Life Is but a Dream (13 page)

—
I just … I don’t want to go in there
— I say. —
I don’t think I like it here anymore.
—

—
Then let’s leave
— he says as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. He’s grinning as he flicks his hair away from his face. I have to pinch my lips together and cross my arms so that he knows I’m being serious. —
I mean it
— he says in response. —
Let’s take a field trip.
—

He pulls the door open in a gust, poking his head into the hall. He gestures for me to follow and then he’s off. Gone. I push away from the wall, chasing after him.

Instead of turning into the cafeteria, Alec disappears through the door marked
STAFF
right beside the large double doors leading to the small sea of lunch tables. —
Come on! Hurry!
— he shouts. He’s laughing and breathing as fast as he runs. I’m behind, following him through the maze of silver metal carts filled with dirty trays from lunch. The plates are piled in a delicate balancing act that requires us to sprint with gymnastic agility.

I barely hear myself laughing over the symphony of clattering silverware. The cafeteria staff moves dishes by the dozens as we cut through the kitchen. We race behind all of the workers in their pale green smocks and pale green shower caps and latex gloves that cover their hands. They look like a team of fallout rescuers in radiation suits—wrapped head to toe because even though the illnesses in this hospital aren’t contagious, they still don’t want to touch us.

We pass by them in a blur. Invisibly clean.

If any of them notice us, they don’t let it show.

Alec keeps pushing faster ahead. I’m dizzy and laughing and staring at the reflection of the fluorescent lights bouncing off so many shiny surfaces. From one and back to the other, the beams go on forever like a world that could only exist inside a disco ball.

Something warm and electric is pulsing through my veins. It’s joy. A kind of joy that has been far away for so long I thought it may have died and turned to dust.

—
Where are we going?
— I shout.

Alec hesitates a step so that I’m close enough to reach out and grab the end of his shirt. I ask him again where we’re going and he answers —
Who cares?
—

Our breath turns to ice crystals as we pause in front of the open door to the freezer room where it is always winter. I can’t see behind the frayed plastic curtain but I imagine the room is an ice cave that goes on and on, emptying out onto the shore of an icy world where our skin would remain as pale as ghosts.

The exit is just at the other end of the kitchen, near the storeroom. Alec takes off and bursts through the doors that open up into the heart of the sun. The blinding white light swallows him whole, but I’m not afraid to follow because somehow it feels as if we’ve done this before and I let the sunlight swallow me as well.

Outside in the fresh air, my arms are wings.

I spread them as I run through the parking lot.

—
This must be where they make all the deliveries
— Alec says as he huddles behind a large truck, leaning against a steel wire fence. He tucks his hands through the small diamond-shaped links and rattles it like a cage. —
See? This lot is fenced off from the rest of the hospital. Look over there. We can escape easily.
—

I see where the parking lot narrows into a short driveway before it opens onto a one-lane road. There’s a guardhouse like at the main entrance but there’s only one person in it instead of three. The gate is flung wide open on its hinges. Probably because it’s just a simple gate that someone needs to push open and pull closed, while the main one is electronic and works at the push of a button.

The road vanishes out of sight behind tall pines.

—
Where would we go?
— I ask.

—
Into town to get some real food for starters
— he says. —
You still want to, right? We can always just come back.
—

—
Yes. I want to
— I tell him.

We both spin around when the door opens behind us. It’s the same door we left from, but we’re far enough away to duck behind a stack of crates piled to the side of the delivery truck. Peeking through the spaces between them, I see one of the nurses in her blue scrubs. It’s the nurse from the cafeteria. She looks around like someone searching the sky for shooting stars.

—
I think we’re officially missing now
— Alec says, biting his lip to keep from laughing.

The nurse glances briefly in our direction and I cover Alec’s mouth with my hand. The shadows dance on my skin and I see the outline of a cat whispering for us both to be quiet because the nervous excitement is making our hearts thump louder under our rib cages.

—
She’s going
— I whisper.

The door closes. The nurse’s blue scrubs disappear like water down the drain. For the moment anyway, we are free.

—
Follow me.
— Alec dips and hides between cars parked so close together we barely fit through the spaces. Suddenly we are mice scurrying away from the lab—white mice in the blinding glare of a sun that looks slightly golden whenever I glance up at the sky.

As we crouch below the window of the guardhouse, I’m terrified someone is going to step outside of the building and find us. I’m not so worried about the guard. We can hear the radio playing one of the same dozen or so songs that always seem to be playing on the radio. He’s not paying attention to it though because he’s reading. His head is facing his lap where a book is open. In a split second of silence between notes in the song, I hear the book’s pages flap in the breeze.

Alec doesn’t speak.

A twitch of his head tells me it’s time to go.

It’s a short burst from the gate to the enormous tree trunks across the road. Maybe a hundred yards from where we are. If it’s more, it’s not by much. I can make it. I used to run that distance twenty times a day in tennis practice.

As I take my first step from the parking lot to the asphalt painted with white lines on either side, I make sure to listen for the noise. I know it lives in the skies outside the hospital walls. I know it’s there somewhere. The static never goes extinct—it only hides.

Alec races out in front. I wait half a step longer to see if I’m torn apart by a shrieking in the sky. When nothing happens, I smile and begin to sprint away—running toward Alec with my arms held up by the rushing air created from my speed. Neither of us stops until we’re hidden by the trees.

—
He didn’t see us
— Alec says, poking his head around the trunk of a towering pine. —
He’s still reading. I don’t think he saw us.
— His voice grows in volume and pitch with each syllable. The excitement pours out of him and into me when his arms circle around my waist and we kiss—this time for slightly longer than before. Then Alec slips his arm free until only one is left resting on the small of my back.

Once we start to walk, we are careful to duck from tree to tree. At least for a little while until we’re out of sight of every window. Then we cut off into the woods away from the road, where we can talk like normal people.

—
You’re pretty good at that
— he says. —
You had a lot of practice making out with boys in supply closets?
—

—
Not really
— I tease. —
Actually the last boy I kissed was before summer even started.
—

Alec raises his eyebrows. —
Boyfriend?
—

I shake my head.

—
Spin the Bottle?
— he guesses.

—
Sort of
— I say. —
Truth or Dare. I guess that’s the same thing.
—

Alec groans, slapping his forehead. —
Those are always the worst. Somehow I always get paired up with the most awkward person. Does that happen to you too?
—

—
It did that time
— I tell him.

Kayliegh and I were over Thomas’s house after school in the spring. His parents didn’t get home until late so we could do whatever we wanted—us, Thomas, and his friend Scott, who was a year older and kind of ugly with zits all over his face. I didn’t want to be there but Kayliegh wanted to make out with Thomas and begged me to come along. It was her idea to play Truth or Dare. She said it would be fun as long as we made every question and dare something
hot
. Then she laughed the fake laugh she saved for when boys were around—the one where she touched her teeth with her tongue. She copied it from an old Marilyn Monroe movie, but she does it so naturally anymore that I wonder if she even remembers that it’s practiced.

Kayliegh let me know beforehand that she wanted all of my dares to involve her and Thomas. I never said I wanted mine to be with Scott but that’s what she did anyway. I would have just picked truth every time and she knew it. She made sure I picked dares by asking truth questions she knew nobody would answer—questions like what I thought about while masturbating. She wanted all of us to pick dare so we would dare her back. She was drinking from four different colored bottles in the liquor cabinet and just wanted the game to be an excuse for fooling around. —
Sabrina
,
I dare you to climb on Scott’s lap and French him
— she dared me the first chance she got. I thought he was gross, but I did it.

—
It was the worst kiss I’ve ever had
— I tell Alec as I slip out of my sneakers to feel the grass tickle between my toes.

—
What was the problem? A drooler? A vacuum kisser? What?
—Alec asks, holding my hand and letting our arms swing in rhythm.

—
It wasn’t so much the kiss. The kiss was kind of nothing … just like blah. But of course, he bragged about it at school the next day. I’m not sure why, he had nothing to brag about. All he did was stick his tongue in there until I thought I was going to gag.
— I stop walking and look up at Alec. I’m not sure why. I guess I just want to remind myself how much better he is than any other boy I’ve met. —
It wasn’t at all like it was with you.
—

Alec’s cheeks turn pink. —
Yeah? How was I?
—

The second time we kissed, I had my eyes closed while it happened but I opened them just before we stopped and I saw the sky change colors. The outline of his hair was sprinkled with shining sparks. —
You were … kind of perfect
— I say.

—
Kind of?
— Alec throws his hands out to his sides, pretending to be offended. —
Can I try again? I’d hate for my reputation to be spoiled by a “kind of.”
—

The first houses and stores from town are in sight as we stop on the last hill looking down. Alec holds me and I hold him. Our bodies press together until we are Siamese twins. The warmth from his body against mine makes the tiny pebbles in my pocket glow brighter than bright so that I don’t have to see it to know it’s happening.

—
I like you
— Alec says. —
A lot. I think you’re so incredible, but I’m sure you already knew that. I wanted to tell you anyway.
— When I don’t say anything, Alec looks nervous. —
You got quiet. I hope you’re just speechless because you like me too and this is just one of those perfect kind of movie moments. Because it’s either that or you’re thinking “oh my god, how do I get away from this lunatic?” and that would just be plain wrong.
—

I watch the color in his eyes dance as he talks.

There’s a halo around him that tells me he knows the answer, but still I’m not saying anything and I know he’s getting more nervous. But then I answer him by touching his bottom lip to my upper one and kiss him until my cheeks turn a darker shade of pink and I feel the rest of the universe is revolving around us and only us.

*   *   *

The town is split down the center—half on one side of the street and half on the other. The perfect symmetry of cars and shops is amazing. The shape and size of the buildings remind me of towns I used to build from Legos, only not as colorful.

There aren’t many people around. But the ones who are there, shuffling into and out of stores, all glance at me and Alec; just long enough to make me feel as if we don’t belong. I squeeze Alec’s hand a little tighter under their glare. I tuck my shoulder under his and walk in step with his pace.

In the hospital, people are one way or the other. We are either slightly dazed patients or sterile nurses and doctors with mannequin skin. There is nothing in between. Here is different. We stand out here. —
They keep looking at us
— I say.

Alec swivels from side to side, absorbing all of the strangers’ dirty looks. —
Yeah. Screw ’em
— he says, and his words become a spell that protects me.

I notice everything as if being in the world is a new experience. Every little detail seems meaningful and I try to keep track of them. A discarded coffee cup fumbles around in the breeze. The plastic lid, still half on, rattles over the cement. A stirring straw sticks out. It makes a sound like the clicking of insect antennae. I try to memorize it exactly—even how the shadows fall on the stenciled logo as the cup rolls slowly back and forth.

Dr. Richards tells me my obsession with details is an unhealthy symptom of a wider problem. She doesn’t understand that clues can be hidden in even the smallest places. It’s the same as stones giving off a dim halo—I have to search every last inch to find flaws in the scenery. They’ll lead me to the place I know is heaven if I follow them. I have to pay attention because I don’t want to miss our chance when it comes.

I catalog the cars parked along the road. They are parked in a pattern of colors. Red, silver, blue, black, red, white, and silver—ranging in size and shape but lined up neatly like a child’s toys practicing a traffic jam. The parking meters tick away silently and digitally. The time left varies for each car. Seven minutes. Eleven. Three. One hundred and six.