Life Is Not a Fairy Tale (17 page)

When I was growing up, Zion, I didn’t have any of the things you have. I didn’t have my own pretty pink room. I didn’t have a canopy bed with a sheer curtain over it, just like a princess. I didn’t have new shoes and new church outfits every Sunday. I didn’t have a lot of toys, and the ones I had were not brand name and on TV. I didn’t have the kind of toys that light up and make noises. I didn’t have any of those things. It was a different time and place and very different time for my parents—your grandparents.

But all you need to know is that God looked after us. God gave me a special gift with my voice and with that gift, He made everything possible for us. Singin’ is why I’m away so much. God has given me my dream, and in return, I have promised Him that I would bless your life with what He has given me.

I guess if I’m going to keep it real, Zion, I know that you want to know where your father is and why he has not been around. Both of us were really young when we met. Although it sounds silly to say now, I loved your father, or at least I thought I did. It’s hard to admit it to you, but he didn’t love me, which is why when he knew you were going to be born, he left us. Having a little daughter was too big of a thing for him to do and so he stopped comin’ around. Zion, I think he stopped comin’ around because he couldn’t handle a love that big. He just couldn’t handle it.

The last thing I have to tell you is about the music. Music has made our family who we are today. Ever since my mama was young I’ve been singing with that special gift that God gave me and your grandmother and grandfather and all of grandpa’s brothers too. Music saved our life, Zion, and it will always be a part of it. You already love music now, and I can’t wait for you to get older so you can listen to it with me and know what kind of meaning it has had for our whole family. I want you to remember that music is evidence of God on Earth. I will have many years to explain to you the things about our family that are hard to understand, but for now, the first lesson I have for you is always tell the truth. Whether you are right or wrong, tell the truth so you will never walk in shame. That’s why I’m telling you these things now. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. I promise you that.

Zion is the place that the disciples went to pray in the Bible. I chose that name for you so that you will always be reminded of what to do when life gets hard.

At the end of every long, hard, exciting day, I know my toughest job is to keep it real with myself. Even though I have made it this far, my life is not perfect. The story is still goin’ on. I laugh, I cry, I hurt, and I have drama goin’ on from time to time. Life is always going to be full of trials, but the trials keep me growin’ and make me stronger. I still have a smile on my face. When I see how far I’ve come, after all I’ve been through, I am happy.

There is one thing that I wish I could change, but I can’t, at least not yet. I am still a single working mom, and no matter how much help I have from my mother, I can’t be there for my child like I want to be. Zion needs me. I’m sure that other single working mothers have the same problems. I’m always torn between giving it all up just to be with her every night and give her a bath and hear her learn a new word and working hard to provide the things that she needs to have a better chance than I ever had in my early life. All that I’m missing is painful. It’s a sacrifice. It’s probably the biggest sacrifice that I’ll make in my life. But when this early part of her life is over and she gets a good education and has a safe and happy place to live, I’ll feel good that I’ve provided that kind of life for her. She knows I love her. The hugs and the kisses that I want to give her, I send over the phone lines. It’s the best I can do for now.

Like I’ve said, I regret a lot of the choices that I’ve made. And even my music success can’t take all of the pain away from the mistakes I’ve made. I still need to get my GED so I can tell my daughter that I have a diploma. I still need to get a driver’s license so I can drive my daughter to the places that she will need to go when she gets a little older. I still am not the perfect mother. I still struggle with being only twenty-one and being a mom. I hate to admit it, but there are times I would rather go shopping with my girlfriends instead of having to deal with Zion, the stroller, the car seat, and all of those things that make the simplest things a struggle. But at least I can provide for my child, and that is a big thing coming from where I come from. I will get better at this motherin’ thing with time.

I’m a dreamer, and so sometimes I say things like, “If I could go overseas right now and build schools, I would.” That’s one of my dreams. Those are the things that I want to do: travel, help, and give. But when I’m being real with myself, I know that someday soon I will have to stop working so hard to help other people like my family and High Point friends and figure out how to help myself more and prepare for my future and for Zion’s future. I have a lot of responsibility, and when I’m being real with myself it’s hard to deal with sometimes. I feel like I’m behind the starting line. I’m behind before I even begin.

I always write in a little notebook that I keep with me, “When you give it shall be given back to you. When you bless others, you are blessed.” I have done that, many, many times over. Now, it’s time to truly bless myself.

I’m out of things to tell you about my life and I don’t know about your life. I’m just a young girl from a rough background who has had some success. I shared my life with you in the hope that if you see something, like a mistake you’re making in your own life, maybe my story can help you make a change before it’s too late. All I can say to you is the way to be real with other people is being real with yourself. Know that you are a child of God and treat everyone with the same respect that you want, because they are children of God too. Every relationship you have with another person should be sacred. Your relationship with your mother, brother, friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend should make you feel good. If it doesn’t make you feel better about yourself, it’s not a good relationship for you. Love and honor your children and your parents. But most of all, promise ’Tasia that you will forgive yourself for whatever you have done, and love every bit of yourself.

G
od, I thank You for everything You’ve done for me. Out of all those blessings You have bestowed, God, You keep blessing me. I didn’t do everything right, or cross every “T,” but, in spite of that all, You keep blessing me. I’m not ashamed to tell the world about it, God. You are the pilot of this plane and I am thankful to be able to ride it.

Now I want to thank my family and for all they have done for me. That is
the
Love. Zion, you are always on my mind, and you are the strength when Mama’s tired. To my angel, Diane Barrino, you are my hero and I want to follow in your footsteps. To my father, Joseph Barrino, I love you for being hard on me because it made me the strong person I am today. To my brothers: Rico, Tiny, and Xavier. Being the only girl, it was tough foolin’ with you boys, but I know your love has always got my back. Grandma Addie: you are my strong woman and I love you so much. You are my pastor. To all my busy nieces and nephews, Auntie loves you and prays for you every day.

To all my friends, and especially my church family, this book is a shout out because it is something we all went through. Jenny, I love you and you are always there for me, and J.B., what up. And to my special friend, # 80, thank you, baby.

My fans, who I like to call my family. Thank you for the love and support. I hope you see how my struggle made me a strong person and how keeping the faith can do the same for you. It’s made me who I am today.

Erin, I love you, girl, for never giving up on me. To Ryan Webb and Maya Maraj for all your hard work and dedication to this project, thank you. A special thanks to Simon Fuller, Iain Pirie, Camilla Howarth, Emma Quigley, Zach Duane, Tom Ennis, and the rest of the 19 family. To Gary Greenberg, for standing by me and keeping an eye out. To everyone at CAA, thank you. Love you, Clive Davis, and everyone at J Records. Also, Michael Broussard and Jan Miller at Dupree/ Miller & Associates for your support.

To my editor, Nancy Hancock, thank you for making my story into a real book. Thank you to the team at Simon & Schuster, especially Sarah Peach, Marcia Burch, Chris Lloreda, and Shida Carr, for their tireless efforts. Finally, thanks to Kim Green, my collaborator, for her skill, encouragement, guidance, and for helping me to tell my story.

My first photo, the day I came home from the hospital.