Life of the Party (18 page)

He chuckled.
“That’s the ecstasy, sugar.” He kissed me. I laughed as well,
kissing him back, relieved that my words hadn’t totally freaked him
out. But the sudden pause, however brief, had been enough to clear
my head a little.

I did love
Grey, my words had been true, and I would give him everything.
Everything, even if he had nothing to give me in return. Suddenly I
needed him to know that. It was rash, impulsive and super, super
stupid of me, but I desperately wanted to share with Grey
everything I was feeling. And I had to act fast, before I stopped
thinking altogether ….

“Wait, wait
Grey.” I whispered breathlessly.

“What?” His
voice was husky.

“I do.” I
looked at him, right in the eyes. My heart hammered in my chest; I
prayed I wouldn’t lose courage. I placed my hands on either side of
his face. “I do love you.”

“No, you
don’t.” He grinned. “That’s just the drug—”

“No, it’s not
the drugs.” I argued. “I felt this way before I took them. I love
you.” The more I said it, the easier it became.

He scoffed and
chuckled at me. “What is this, some kind of joke?”

“No, it’s not a
joke.” I sat up slightly. “I’m totally serious. I’m not going to
play head games with you or screw you around or anything. I want to
be honest with you, always.”

“You love me?”
Grey repeated sceptically. He eyed me warily.

“Yes. Yes, I
love you. I think I have from the first moment ….” I smiled and
traced my finger over his lips, slightly parted and tinged red from
my lipstick. I glanced up at him hopefully. Grey looked at a
complete loss. His eyebrows were furrowed, his jaw was clenched—but
his blue eyes were still warm. It looked like he was processing my
words, going over them in his head, trying to make sense of
them.

“Can I prove it
to you?” I whispered. “Can I show you?” I caressed his cheek with
my thumb a moment, and then pulled his face down to mine. Our lips
met, and quickly the intensity between us renewed. If anything,
Grey became more aggressive, almost like he was in a sudden hurry.
Roughly he shoved the skirt of my dress up over my hips; his hands
were hard against my skin. I didn’t mind, I would do anything he
wanted, but I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking now.
Was it possible that he loved me too? Did this new ardour mean that
he shared my feelings? Or were his frenzied kisses simply his way
of getting me to shut up?

I didn’t know,
but my heart beat harder as I realized what was about to happen. I
was about to have sex, for the first time. With Grey. I wondered
briefly if it would hurt, but quickly pushed the thought aside. It
didn’t matter. I put my hands to the back of his head and deepened
our kiss, twining my fingers in his dark, unruly hair. He was
everything I’d ever wanted.

But then,
abruptly, Grey pulled away from me. His face was suddenly hard, his
jaw clenched. He leaned back from me and glared—long gone was the
warmth in his blue eyes. He was breathing heavily. I looked at him
with utter confusion, stammering.

“What—”

“You love me.”
It was a statement, like an accusation, almost. I swallowed and
nodded my head, slowly.

“Yes.” I
whispered.

Grey scoffed.
He shook his head and chuckled lowly. His movements became swift
and rigid as he pushed himself away from me, snatching his hands
away like my flesh was poison. He grabbed his shirt from the floor
and whipped it over his head, his muscled torso disappearing
beneath the fabric. I could do nothing but watch him, alarmed by
the sudden change in his mood, troubled by the obvious agitation
with which he now regarded me. Clearly, the feelings I had
professed were something Grey did not want to hear. I couldn’t
regret my decision to tell him, because every word was true. But I
did regret the way he glared at me now. And I wished he felt the
same.

“That’s just
too damn bad.” Grey spoke. “Because you mean nothing to me.” He
made sure I was looking, waited until, wincing; I looked into his
cold, hostile blue eyes. “You got that? Nothing.” He repeated, his
voice low, malicious. “I don’t love you, I don’t like you. I don’t
even care about you. You’re just a piece of ass; I tried to tell
you that. And I don’t need this shit.”

A sob escaped
my throat. I didn’t mean to let it happen, but the hatred in his
voice wounded me deeply, piercing through the chemically induced
euphoria to strike me directly in the heart. I clutched my chest
and tried to stifle the swift pain of total rejection that his
loathing caused. The unexpected sting that raced from my mind to my
psyche, harsh and cutting, wreaking havoc on my self-esteem as my
stomach flipped with panic.

Grey just
looked at me now, like he was disgusted. Like I was disgusting to
him. He shut his eyes and shook his head again, slowly. The chuckle
that escaped his perfect lips was condescending; his voice was
edged with annoyance.

“Damn
teenagers.” He muttered. Without another glance in my direction, he
turned and stalked towards the door. It slammed loudly as he left
the room and abandoned me in humiliated misery. Despite the nasty,
hurtful things he had said I still wanted to call to Grey, to beg
him not to go. Because I still loved him, even after all of that. I
loved him, and always would, even if he never felt the same way
about me. My tears overflowed and sobs I could not contain shook my
body. Slowly I sat up, my vision blurred, my throat aching as I
pulled my dress back in place and smoothed the fabric with the palm
of my hand. My heart felt like it was bleeding, pouring sadness
throughout my entire being as the pain ebbed through my veins.

I was crushed.
There was no other way to describe it. I cried myself hoarse in
that mean, lonely little room, and then, since I had no other
choice, forced myself to walk back through the VIP section. Rigid
with humiliation and convinced that everyone was staring at my
puffy red eyes and mascara streaked face, I nearly ran from the
club, stumbling my way home in utter disgrace and rejection. I
climbed into my bed without even washing my face or changing my
clothes. The whole nights events were fresh in my mind. The moment
I shut my eyes I saw Grey’s beautiful face, his blue eyes hard and
his lips sneering at me cruelly. I curled up on my side, tight in
the blankets, and cried myself to sleep.

The next
morning, when I awoke and was immediately bombarded again by the
memory—the horrific, tragic ending to my night—the resulting wave
of sadness actually made me … angry. The way most people get when
they’ve been rejected by someone—horribly, brutally rejected by
someone. Offended, infuriated. Hurt and resentful. All day long I
hid out in my room, blaming my absence from hanging with the family
on the clever guise of studying. I didn’t open a book, mostly laid
on my bed, stared at my roof, listened to angry music and wished
for a cigarette. Furious. Every time I pictured Grey’s face, I
hated him a little bit more.

At least, I
tried to convince myself I did.

There was no
way I could show my face at Charlie’s ever again, and though she
called my cell phone multiple times, I didn’t answer. Even though I
knew she’d be understanding and sympathetic and possibly even make
me feel better, I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to talk about it; I
didn’t want to admit what had happened to anyone. I just wanted to
lie on my bed and focus on my anger, trying to hate Grey enough to
totally forget about him, trying to persuade myself that I was much
better off.

There was only
one week of official classes left at school before final exams.
Everyone at school the next day was abuzz with last days
preparations, all our classes were devoted to diploma exam studying
strategies. I sat silently in my desk, hating everyone around me
and wishing that I didn’t have to be at stupid school. But what
else would I be doing? I didn’t really have any friends anymore
that I was aware of.

Ben, Toby and
Jacob were officially AWOL, but I guess I couldn’t blame them. In
reality, I had ditched them—I always knew where to find the guys
but I just hadn’t bothered. Too busy with my other, more exciting
plans.

Riley was in a
few of my classes, and though I had planned to confront him about
the whole moving away forever thing, I was just too drained. We
acknowledged each other once, in third period when he had to walk
down my aisle to return to his seat. He met my eyes and we nodded
at each other. I wondered when, no—if, he was planning to tell me
about the move. He and the Christian were now inseparable; I saw
them everywhere together, not just at lunchtime meetings. She had
taken my place in the passenger seat of Riley’s car.

It was pretty
hard not to wallow in self-pity. In the matter of a few short weeks
I had managed to lose all my friends and get a broken heart in the
process.

And I had to
work right after school. There would be no more avoiding Charlie
and trying to convince myself that the whole horrible Saturday
night fiasco hadn’t taken place. At least Grey wouldn’t be working.
That was something I definitely couldn’t handle. I walked the few
blocks from school to the Red Wheat, my arms crossed, dragging my
feet.

Charlie was
expecting me as I entered the quiet restaurant. There was one table
of two up in the first section, but other than that the seats were
empty. It was only four-thirty, still too early for supper
rush.

“Hey, babe. How
you doing?” Charlie greeted me. She looked me over and with that
one glance seemed to understand that something was wrong. A
sympathetic smile crossed her face. Her blonde hair had been
straightened and shone down to her shoulders; her frilly white
dress looked lovely. I shrugged. I knew I looked terrible; I hadn’t
the energy or the motivation to do anything with myself that
morning. My dark curls hung limply down my back and I wore
virtually no make-up.

“Come with me.”
She took me by the shoulders and gently ushered me towards the
washroom. I allowed her to, I didn’t care. The rubber stopper held
the bathroom door so we could still see out front. We stood before
the mirror; Charlie threw my hair up and deftly twisted it into
some kind of knot. A little mascara from her purse and some deep
red lipstick made a huge difference in my appearance.

“Thanks
Charlie. What would I do without you?” I wondered, more to myself
than to her. She was truly my only friend at the moment. I felt
guilty for ignoring her calls the previous day.

“So, are you
going to tell me what happened Saturday?”

“Like you don’t
know.”

“I don’t. Grey
wouldn’t talk about it. All I know is that you two went into that
room, and then a while later Grey comes out by himself, looking
totally stressed. Then you come out like, almost an hour later,
obviously bawling. You run by without even telling me you’re
leaving and then Grey’s standing there, watching you, all tense
with his fists clenched. Did you guys have a fight or what?”

“No, not a
fight.” My eyes narrowed at the memory. “I told him I loved him; I
know it was stupid, but it was the truth. And then … well,” I
scoffed sardonically, “let’s just say he didn’t share the
sentiment.”

“You told him
you loved him?”

“Yeah.” I
grimaced. “Dumb, right?”

“No.” Charlie
decided. She shook her head. “No, not dumb. That took guts. You’re
brave, Mackenzie. I’ve felt that way about Zack for months and I
still can’t tell him.”

“Why not?” I
wondered.

“I don’t know.
Rejection sucks.”

“Yeah, tell me
about it.” I sighed. Charlie fixed my cardigan and stood back to
survey my outfit. It met her approval—though not mine—it was
another one of my mom’s purchases, a short khaki skirt and white
top. I wore plain white sneakers as well.

“Mackenzie,”
she looked mystified. A frown crossed her lips. “I just don’t get
it. The way Grey looks at you ….” She trailed off in thought.

“Whatever ….” I
shook my head regretfully. “It’s nothing. It’s over. Just … forget
about it.”

“You’re right.”
She hugged my shoulders. “If he’s too stupid to see it, you’re much
better off.”

“Yeah.” I
nodded. I’d told myself that same thing hundreds of times in the
last twenty-four hours. So why couldn’t I believe it?

The fact I
couldn’t only made me madder.

“Okay, well …
you look great.” She decided. “Come on. Let’s just get through
tonight and then we’ll worry about the rest later. And here … don’t
take too much, just enough to help.” She handed me the little
silver vial she kept in her purse and looked cautiously out the
door. “Coast is clear. Go ahead.”

Eagerly I
unscrewed the lid and scooped up the white powder, inhaling deeply
until I could feel the sweet burn hit my sinuses. I sniffed loudly
and did another. It wasn’t long until the racking pain and anger
had faded, but still it did not cease. I felt better though, like I
could handle it now. I felt confident. In control. Like maybe I
didn’t need Grey, like maybe I didn’t even care.

But as I turned
the corner around the waitress station, I spotted him. Grey. He was
there, working; I could see his handsome face behind the line.
Panicked, I gasped, hiding behind the wall so he couldn’t see
me.

“Charlie!” I
whisper-hissed at my friend. “What the hell is he doing here!?”

She looked at
me curiously. “What do you mean?”

“Grey! What is
he doing here? He’s not supposed to be working today.”

“Oh … well I
guess when Riley gave his two-weeks notice, Mark told him not to
worry about coming in at all. He gave Riley the time to study or
something, so Grey’s covering all his shifts now.”