Life on the Level (20 page)

I look at Helen with a little bit of shock. Whatever bet I had on her, I lost. I was wrong. I underestimated her. “You used to be a cop.”

She nods. “That’s another story. In the meantime, we’re going to move your room to the ground floor.”

I keep packing my things. I realize that, besides some clothes and books, I don’t have much with me. Hutch insists on shouldering my bag for me.

As I follow Helen and Hutch out of my room, other patients stand at their doors and in the halls to watch us. They whisper about my fate, what I’ve done wrong. Even Randy looks guilty, assuming I’m in trouble because of him. I don’t know how, but in my gut I know that Taylor has something to do with this. I’ve thrown myself into a game I don’t think I can win. It might be too late to back out now.

• • •

I stay in my new room the rest of the day. At some point, Helen knocks on my door to bring me food. She tries to tell me that I’m safe, and everything is going to be okay. I even pretend I believe her. She’s trying so hard; the least I can do is make her feel good about it.

This room actually locks. I bask in my newfound privacy. Other than that, my room is the same as before, only a little bigger. This one has a desk with a reading lamp. I set up my books there. I handwrite a letter to Sky.

Dear Sky,

Things are bad. Like, really bad. I never told you the whole truth about Kiernan. You only met him once. I know that you think I started partying extra hard because I was sad about my dad. That’s not wrong, but it’s not the whole story. I was trying to make myself forget about Kiernan. No one ever treated me that way before, and I was so lost in my grief that I let him. You know me, Sky. You know I know better. I was just lonely, and he was the first guy that I’d liked in a long time. I wasn’t in love, but I found myself unable to let go of that. I was needy. I should’ve gone to you or to Leti. I was just afraid.

Now he’s back, and he’s probably looking to scare me. The thing is, he was never that violent before, only verbally abusive. I’m not the kind of girl to let myself get talked down to, but we were fucked up for 90 percent of our relationship. I’m telling you this now because he knows I’m here. There are some weird things going on. I still haven’t gone back to the barn because of my accident.

The pills I got a girl to give me vanished from under my bed. The director moved me to a new room with a lock. So, win? I love you and miss you. Despite all the bad feelings that come with K, I realize I really don’t want to leave here. I think I love this place. Not being an addict at a recovery center, but the sound of trees and the big Montana sky. Plus… there’s Hutch.

Call me crazy. And please just call me.

Love,
Riv

I fold the letter, seal it, and take it to Hutch’s office. I know he’s in there with another patient. I wait down the hall until the hour is up and Maddie exits the office.

She gives me a smile. “We’re not neighbors anymore! What happened?”

“Helen wants to keep an eye on me,” I tell her. “Thinks I’m bad news.”

Maddie shoves her hands in her pockets. “Because of Randy? That’s stupid. Other patients have gotten caught having sex all over the place and they’re still here.”

I give her an innocent face. “Beats me. Anyway, at least I have a lock on my door so no one can go through my stuff.”

Her eyes widen, and she looks away. “Okay.”

I’m irrationally angry with her. Why would she go into my room? How would she know where the pills were or that I didn’t take them? I should know better than to expect more from someone like Maddie. Is this what Sky and Leti feel like when I let them down? Because it feels shitty as hell.

“River,” Maddie says. “I’m sorry. Things will get better.”

I wave goodbye to her and head into Hutch’s office.

“You got some free time?” I ask him.

“Of course.” He looks around the room and shuffles papers on his desk. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m liking my new digs. Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything.”

“You should be careful about giving people blank favors.”

“You’re not just any person, River.”

That brings a smile to my face, at least. “I need you to send this letter out. It’s to my friend Sky. I don’t trust anyone else to do it. Take it with you when you go home tonight.”

“That’s kind of a problem. I won’t be going home tonight.”

“Why not?”

He shrugs. “I’m staying here. Helen thinks we need more people for security.”

“And you volunteered your muscles?”

He smirks. “Something like that. I’ll be sure to make a post office run tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

“What else can I do?” He looks as helpless as I feel.

“Can we nap? I’m suddenly really tired.”

He brings me into a hug. I feel so secure in his arms. It’s a strange feeling to have. He kisses the top of my head. I wish I could stay in this moment. But when someone knocks on the door to his office, I’m forced to jump out of his arms and into the patient’s seat while he opens the door.

It’s Julie. When she sees me, she’s surprised. “Hey River!”

“Hey Julie,” Hutch says, opening the door wide to let her in. He might as well be saying, “Nothing’s going on here! Come in!”

She pulls her long sleeves around her hands and covers her mouth. “I just wanted to sign up for the camping trip.”

“Oh, well, Dr. Simmons is handling the sign ups. But I’ll make sure to put your name down.”

Julie smiles like Hutch is the sun shining down on her. It’s painful to watch, really. That reminds me about last night. It feels like so long ago. Every time I turn around, something is changing, and I’m not sure I can keep up.

“Oh, okay. It’s okay. See you guys at dinner.”

When Julie leaves, I fill Hutch in on everything that happened. Julie and her waterworks, Randy and the stables. To my surprise, Hutch is laughing.

“It’s not funny!” I stomp around the office. I pull a book on nature photography from the shelf and sit on his desk. I’m making myself quite comfortable, and he’s letting me. “It was terrible watching him trying to get a hard-on.”

Hutch is almost doubled over. “At least I know I’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Really? Like you were worried before? How was your
date
?”

His laugh gets cut short. I flip through the colorful pages of lakes and rivers and mountaintops. I try not to let myself look too disappointed. It seems petty after everything that’s been happening.

“It wasn’t a date, River.” He walks over to me and takes my face in his hands. How did I ever function before his embrace? I turn my face away, but grab onto him by the waist of his jeans. His belt buckle is cold, but the skin of his abdomen is hot where I touch it. “I thought it would be more believable if people saw her pick me up. We met other nurses and went to a bar in Hamilton. That’s it.”

I shrug.

“Don’t get pouty. I was doing exactly as you asked.”

“I just wasn’t prepared for it. Besides, you should have seen Julie crying over you last night. I think that’s going to be trouble if you don’t put a stop to it. You have to keep up the act. I told Maddie I was in trouble over the Randy thing.”

“I’m afraid of all this lying,” he says. “Someone’s going to get hurt.”

“It’s a little late for that. Now, I’d better go and make my rounds. Stay away from me if you know what’s good for you.”

He presses a swift kiss to my lips, and I feel the promise of more in his kiss. “I officially can’t do that. We are neighbors now, after all.”

“What do you mean?” I turn around before letting myself out of the office.

“I mean you’re in the staff wing. My room is directly across from yours.”

I’ve become sort of a legend overnight. Rumors fly all over the facility as to why I’ve had my room changed. I sit with Vilma, Fran, Jermania, and Julie during dinner. It’s taco night, and they fire questions at me faster than I can answer them.

How did Helen find out?

What did she say to you?

Is Randy’s dick really eleven inches long?

What’s it like on the staff floor?

“I guess Randy was running his mouth. She told me I was under watch. It’s not eleven inches long. And the rooms are basically the same as the rest, just with different lamps.” I don’t tell them that there are locks. I don’t tell them that Hutch is right across from me. I don’t tell them that I’m basically under protection.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” Julie says. “Maddie says that people have gotten caught doing worse before. Why are they punishing you so much?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “They might switch me back if I keep my head out of trouble.”

“I don’t know you well,” Jermania says, “but you look like your middle name is Trouble.”

I laugh, and we toast with our juice boxes. On the other side of the cafeteria, Randy is trying to hit on the brand new patient. Poor girl. When he catches me watching him, he turns red, picks up his tray, and runs out into the courtyard.

I go to bed early with the excuse of a headache. On the way there, I bump into Maddie. She looks disoriented.

“River!” she shouts. “You’re so pretty. I hate that you’re so pretty.”

“Hey, are you okay?” I take her face into my hands. Her pupils are like pinpricks.

She brushes me away. “I’m fine. Leave me alone.”

“As you wish.” I keep walking and lock myself in my room. I feel antsy, knowing that Hutch’s room is across the hall from mine. It brings a buzz to my skin. Is he going to visit me in the middle of the night? That would be really stupid, considering the other counselors are just down the hall from us.

I wake up at two in the morning. So much for being able to sleep through the night now that I have a lock on the door.

I sit up in my bed and flip the lock. I slowly turn the knob and look up and down the hall. The facility is completely quiet, except for the sounds of bugs and night critters outside. I walk the four paces it takes to get to Hutch’s door. I press my hand to it. Should I knock? I shake my head and turn right back around.

Light floods behind me. My heart jumps to my throat when I see him standing in his open doorway. He’s just roused from bed. He’s in a pair of boxers and nothing else.

I step back into my room. He looks up and down the hall, quietly closes his door, and follows me in.

I close the door, careful of making even the slightest sound. Even the springs of my mattress sounds extra loud in this silence. We speak in the softest whispers.

“Hey,” he says, standing close to the door. He turns off the ceiling light, but leaves on the desk lamp.

“Hi.”

I watch him stand in front of me. He’s the most perfect man I’ve ever seen. He takes a step closer, within reach. I press my hands to his lower abs. They make a perfect V, and I run my hand up his stomach, feeling every ripple of muscles beneath his skin. I rub his chest, then his arms. I wrap my hands around his neck and kiss him. We fall back onto the mattress.

Neither of us moves. We just keep our lips pressed together. My heart fills with the feeling of Hutch against me. Kissing him is like breathing after holding my breath underwater for far too long. He’s the first to move his lips. He searches for more, and more, biting softly on my bottom lip. I’m so dizzy I fear I might be dreaming.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I find myself saying.

He holds my face in his hands. Presses himself against me so our best parts are lined up. He whispers my name, and I wonder if I’ll ever get used to the way he looks at me. He brushes my hair back and presses a kiss to my cheek. Then he bites it.

“I’m right here,” he says.

“You know what I mean.” I rake my fingernails down his strong arms.

He sets his mouth on mine and nips at the bottom lip. “I do. I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere.”

“Montana forever,” I say, my laugh almost a shudder as we kiss.

“Shhh,” he whispers.

He runs his hands through my hair, then starts moving down. I try to pull him up on top of me, but he answers with a wicked smile.

I watch him bend down and push my knees apart, and the thrill that runs through my body tells me I’m wide awake. He looks up at me. The muscles of his back ripple as he bends down to taste me between my legs. He pushes my lips apart with his tongue. I take my pillow and press it over my face. Hutch grabs me by my hips and pulls me against his face.

A little cry escapes my mouth when he pushes his finger inside me. He moves it around in a way that makes me want to scream some more. I can feel all of the tightness unwind from my body and concentrate in the pit of my stomach. I pull on his shoulders, trying to tell him to stand up, but he keeps his lips around my clit, licking delicious circles. I squeeze my legs around his head, and tug on his thick, beautiful hair. I can feel the walls inside me tighten as I come on his mouth. I bite down on the pillow until the waves of pleasure stop, and then I lie perfectly still.

I sit up and move over on the bed. Hutch climbs in beside me, and we lie down facing each other. He leans in and nuzzles my ear.

“You taste delicious,” he whispers.

I smile, already feeling sleep blanket me. I reach out and rub his hardness. “Your turn. You don’t have any condoms in these boxers do you?”

He shakes his head. “Not tonight.”

“Why?” It comes out more like a whine.

He brushes my hair back. “Tonight is about you.”

He pulls me against his chest, and I go willingly. I bury my face against him. I memorize the way his heart beats under my fingertips. I tap them out like a Morse code meant just for me.

“How long will you stay?” I ask. The clock says it’s three a.m.

“For as long as I can.” He kisses my forehead. I can’t remember the last time I felt this warm and safe with someone. I can’t remember wanting someone the way I want Hutch. Even this close to him, I feel like I’m too far away. I wrap my arm around him and throw my leg over his side. I feel his chuckle vibrate through my skin.

“Forever,” I say.

“Forever.”

I tilt my face up and kiss him luxuriously, lazily. I could kiss him until our lips are dry and raw and numb, and even then I’d want to keep going.