Light Switch (2 page)

“So, what? Just having sex isn’t enough for you? Now you have to try all that freaky, kinky shit?”

“Why is it freaky?” I shrugged. “Some of it could be fun.”

“No, no, absolutely not.” He glared at me. “I think you’ve been listening to too many stories from that friend of yours.”

“Who? Scott?”

“The one who’s into all that weird crap, yeah.”

I scowled. “He’s told me a few things, yes, but—”

“See? You’ve just been listening to him.” Alec inclined his head, giving me that patronizing look I’d grown to despise. “Normal people don’t
do
that shit, Kristen.”

Fury coiled in my gut. “Then maybe I’m not normal.”

“Or maybe you’ve just been around that freak too long. I’ve never liked you hanging around him any—”

“I
beg
your pardon?” I threw the pillow aside and stood, mirroring his defensive stance. “Now you want to dictate who I spend my time with?”

He gave a flippant shrug. “I just don’t like you hanging around that asshole.”

“Why? Because he’s into things you’re not?”

“Or maybe I just don’t like my girlfriend discussing sex with another man.”

“Oh, I can understand that,” I said through my teeth. “She might get ‘ideas’ in her pretty little head about how to fix a lackluster sex life, and she might even try to apply those ‘ideas’ to the relationship she’s trying to save.”

“Yeah, and—”

“Or, heaven forbid, she might just suddenly realize there’s more to sex than a little quiet missionary style in the fucking dark.”

He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t think I’m the problem, then.”

“Neither is Scott. I talk to him because he
listens
to me. Something you stopped doing a long, long time ago.”

“Fine.” He put his hands up. “You know, between that sick fuck and that friend of yours next door, I figured it was only a matter of time anyway.”

My jaw fell open. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Are you suggesting that—”

“Are you denying it?” he snarled.

“I have
never
cheated on you.” Guilt twisted in my stomach. It was true, I hadn’t touched another man, but the temptation had been there. One of the first signs this relationship was in trouble had been when I’d caught myself fantasizing not only about the wild things Scott told me, but about Scott himself. Then came the voyeuristic tryst with Matt. Though I’d never touched either of them, the guilt was killing me just the same. I’d cheated in mind, if not in body, which was why this needed to end.

“Never?” Alec broke the lengthy silence that had fallen. “Somehow I doubt that.”

My face burned, no doubt making me look even guiltier than I was. “You don’t trust me?”

“Should I?”

I clenched my jaw. His constant suspicion and distrust were among the countless nails we’d driven into this coffin. Thank God we were finally going to bury the fucking thing.

“Look, I may be frustrated,” I said. “But I do love you, Alec. I wouldn’t cheat on you.”

“But you’ll leave me?”

“Yes.” The word came so easily, so unflinchingly. “Yes. I need to.”

“You know what? Fine.” He glared at me again. “I’ll go, and you can have all the crazy, freakish sex you want. Mark my words, though. In a few months, after you’ve had a little fun and realize how sick it all is, you’ll regret this.”

“Somehow I doubt that.” Our lackluster sex life was the wedge we’d used to finally cleave our relationship apart, but if it had failed to do so, we had plenty more that would have done the job.

“We’ll see, won’t we?” He shifted his weight. “I don’t suppose you’ll let me take my stuff before you kick me out?”

I nodded down the hall. “Go right ahead.”

With a sharp huff, he stormed past me. I followed him into my bedroom.

Now that he was moving, now that he was doing something besides standing there talking to me, his fury escalated, just as it always did. He jerked open the closet door and went about ripping shirts and a coat off hangers and throwing them onto the bed he’d probably expected to share with me tonight.

“I can’t believe you, Kristen,” he said over his shoulder. “You’re really willing to let all of this go because I won’t be a freak like whatshisname.”

“No. The sex is only part of it.”

He slammed a pair of shoes down and kicked the closet door shut. “Really? So what else is there?”

“Well, this.” I gestured at him. “Every time you get mad, you start throwing shit around, slamming doors, yelling at me—”

“Oh, so now I’m not allowed to get angry?” He spun on his heel and faced me. “Am I just supposed to sit here like a good little boy and let you tell me I’ve just wasted four years of my fucking life?”

I drew back, folding my arms to keep my hands from shaking. “There’s a happy medium between that and flipping out at—”

“I’m
not
fucking flipping out at you, Kristen,” he snarled, closing the gap between us. “You can’t expect to say this kind of shit and—”

“And what?” I stepped toward him, and to my great satisfaction, he shrank back slightly. “Am I tied to you for the rest of my life? Am I not allowed to move on if I’m not happy anymore?”

“After all this time, the least you could do is put some effort into fixing it instead of running away.”

I flipped my hands out, palms up. “I’m not going to argue anymore, Alec. I want out, I want
you
out, so just get your stuff and leave.”

He said nothing, but the rage in his eyes almost made me step back myself. At the very edges of my peripheral vision, he clenched and unclenched his fists. For the first time in four years, I wondered if he might just raise a hand to me, and I could neither draw nor release a breath until he muttered a curse and turned back to gathering his belongings.

On his way out, he stopped at the hall closet to yank his jacket off the hanger and put it over his arm. Then he jerked his key off the ring and tossed it on the table by the door.

“Looks like that’s everything.” He opened the front door. “Unless you had anything else you needed to say?”

I shook my head.

He sneered at me. “Not even good-bye?”

“I think we’ve already said that, don’t you?”

Cursing under his breath, he left, slamming the door behind him. I turned the deadbolt and went back into my bedroom, where I dropped onto the bed and released a long breath. The conversation had been unpleasant, but it had needed to happen for a long, long time. We’d both made our mistakes over the last few years. We’d both caused our fair share of problems in this relationship. At least now, it was over. Thank God, it was
over
.

With another long exhalation, I looked at the clock. It was barely eight o’clock. Still plenty of time to go out and grab a drink, vent to a girlfriend, do something other than stay home in this silent apartment. With my newfound freedom came the long overdue ability to go out and take care of some of this sexual frustration. Maybe with someone who knew what he was doing. A one night stand had never been so tempting. I could go out. Or I could turn off the light and go to sleep.

I didn’t go out.

I didn’t turn off the light.

I didn’t go to sleep.

I just took off my shirt and hoped Matt liked purple satin.

A few days after Alec and I broke up, I joined a group of friends at our usual Friday night watering hole. The music was blasting and the place was packed, but I sat at our booth, alone with my thoughts. I wasn’t down or depressed, I wasn’t regretting my decision to kick Alec to the curb, I was just… thinking.

The split had been long overdue, but it was enough upheaval to knock my world off its axis. I’d spent four years as half of “Alec and Kristen.” Being just “Kristen” would took a little more getting used to than I’d anticipated.

Did I stay single for a while? Go back on the prowl? See if that guy over by the jukebox was game for a one night stand? That option became more tempting with every passing minute. I was a free agent now. I was at liberty to find someone who didn’t consider sex a substitute for a sleeping pill.

A flicker of movement from the corner of my eye was my only warning before Scott appeared and dropped into the booth beside me. The low light of the bar didn’t do a thing to temper the intensity of his blue eyes, especially as he shot me a pointed look.

“You, my dear,” he said in a
don’t argue with me tone
, “are not your usual self tonight.”

He sounded so serious, I couldn’t help smiling. “Is it that obvious?”

“It is.” He rested his arm on the back of the bench and faced me. “So what’s going on? Dr. Moore is listening.”

I snickered. “Something tells me a university wouldn’t keep its accredited status long after giving
you
a doctorate.”

He rubbed his eye with his middle finger. I laughed. If anyone was going to give me the third degree about my mood tonight, I was glad it was him. Scott was nothing if not easy to talk to. Always had been.

“Hey, space cadet.” He elbowed me playfully. “What’s up?”

Shaking my head, I sighed. “Just preoccupied, I guess.”

“With?” Though he ribbed me as he always did, the lift of his eyebrows and the creases in his forehead spoke of genuine concern.

I took a breath. “Alec and I broke up.”

Scott’s posture stiffened slightly. “Really?”

“Really.”

“About damned time.”

I gave him a playful glare. “Gee, thanks.”

“Come on, he’s a dick.” Scott shrugged. “I’ve been wondering for a long time when you were going to kick his sorry ass to the curb.”

“Guess I can’t get too offended, then, because I’ve been wondering the same thing.” I sipped my drink. “Believe me, it’s been a huge weight off my shoulders.”

“I can imagine.” He drummed his fingers on the table and watched me for a second. “So, since I assume you’re not grieving about the monkey that’s no longer on your back, what’s bothering you? Just settling into being single, or what?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” I eyed him. “And speaking of being single, what on earth are
you
doing out without adult supervision on a Friday night, anyway? All the girls busy?”

“Amy’s out of town with her husband, Tara’s at a party with another Dom, and Kasey has the flu.” He sighed dramatically. “So, yes, I’m all alone tonight.”

“Damn, Scott,” I said. “Three women on the roster, and you still can’t get laid tonight?”

He made a dismissive gesture. “Please. Just because I’m not with one of them tonight doesn’t mean I won’t get laid.”

“Manwhore.”

“Prude.”

I laughed. He always had been a breath of sexually liberated fresh air.

He opened his mouth to say something, but shrill feedback from a microphone made us both cringe. We turned to see the DJ setting up for karaoke.

“Oh, Jesus,” I said. “Not karaoke.”

“Ugh. Do you want to go outside?”

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

“I thought as much.”

We both stood. He made an “after you” gesture, but I insisted he go on ahead, so he shrugged and started across the room. On the way to the stairwell, he didn’t squeeze between people or elbow his way through the crowd in a serpentine path from booth to door. He walked and people moved. He’d offer a polite “pardon me” or turn enough to keep from bumping into someone, but for the most part, they got out of his way. They always did.

I wondered if it was such a good idea to go out on the terrace with him. As horny as I was tonight, being alone with him was probably hazardous to my health. I was newly single and he was almost six slender feet of temptation wrapped in a conservative black shirt and jeans. Narrow hips and broad shoulders. Cheekbones that could cut diamonds. A lightly stubbled and sharply angled jaw that I’d often imagined brushing that spot where the curve of my neck met my shoulder.

Scott had always been high on my “look, but don’t touch” list. In fact, my attraction to him predated my relationship with Alec. He’d always been heavily into kinky stuff, though, and he was polyamorous, neither of which had appealed to me back then. While BDSM piqued my interest now, polyamoury still wasn’t for me. Territorial I was not, but I had enough problems maintaining monogamous relationships. Adding more players sounded like a recipe for disaster.

We climbed the stairs and went outside to the rooftop terrace. This was where the bar had its luaus and barbecues when the weather was warmer. It was barely spring, though, and a chilly wind blew in off the coast, so the terrace was mostly deserted. I zipped my jacket and nestled my chin into the collar.

Scott hoisted himself onto the concrete railing. “So, how are you doing with all of this?”

“Not too bad, actually.” I hugged myself to keep from shivering. “It’s, you know, a bit of a change, but I’m glad it’s over.”

“I don’t blame you. If you don’t mind my asking, what was the final straw?”

“Nothing in particular,” I said. “Well, it wasn’t anything specific that made me decide to end it that night, but to be quite honest, our sex life was probably the biggest issue that came up.”

Scott snorted. “Now that I believe.”

“Oh do you?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I’m no psychic, but I got the impression there wasn’t too much going on between you two.”

“How do you figure?”

“No chemistry. I’ve seen more sparks fly between dead fish than the two of you.” He paused. “No offense.”

I laughed. “None taken. Not too far from the truth, to be honest.”

Scott clicked his tongue and shook his head. “I’m surprised that douche bag didn’t bore you into a coma.”

“A few more months, and he probably would have.”

“Big shock.” He rolled his eyes. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, some people prefer vanilla sex, but—”

“Vanilla sex?”

He smiled. “You know, the kind that doesn’t involve whips and chains.”

“So, the kind you
don’t
have?”

“I
beg
your pardon.” He put a hand to his chest and feigned offense. “I have been known to engage in vanilla sex from time to time, you know.”

“And do you enjoy it?”

He grinned and rested his hand on the railing again. “Darling, if sex and Scott Moore are involved, rest assured, everyone present enjoys it.”

Of that, I have no doubt
. “Cocky bastard.”

With a flippant shrug, he said, “Guilty as charged.”

“But let me guess,” I said, rolling my eyes, “you’ve earned the right to be so cocky?”

“Damn right, and I have witnesses who will give sworn statements.”

I shook my head. “Well, you’re right about Alec.” My humor faded. “Hell, I wouldn’t even call him vanilla.”

“Really?”

“No. Vanilla is actually a flavor.”

Scott laughed aloud. “Ouch.”

“It’s true.” I sighed. “It’s a relief, that’s for sure. God only knows what the next guy will be like, but at least that particular routine is broken.”

“So you’re going to try to find someone a bit more adventurous this time around?”

I nodded. “Shouldn’t be too hard. As long as he has a pulse, anyway.”

Scott chuckled. “Remind me never to get on your bad side.”

“Oh, please. You’ve been on my bad side since the day we met.”

“Okay, but I haven’t given you a reason to diss my sexual prowess, have I?”

“No, that’s true, you haven’t.” I hugged myself a little tighter as a cold breeze blew by, though he didn’t seem to notice it.

“What was his deal, anyway?” he asked. “Couldn’t figure out how to get you off?”

“Couldn’t be bothered is more like it,” I muttered. “I don’t know, I guess he just wasn’t interested in trying new things.” I shrugged. “He wasn’t, I was, so I was bored.”

“Bored, you say?”

“Quite.”

He laughed softly, but then his brow creased and he fell silent.

“Penny for your thoughts?” I said.

He looked at me, his forehead still lined with heavy thought. “Let me ask you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“You say you wanted to try new things.” He eyed me cautiously. “Have you ever thought about trying something kinky?”

I hesitated, then nodded. “I’ve thought about it, yeah. Especially lately.”

“I’m not surprised.” Something like triumph crinkled the corners of his eyes.

“Oh, really?”

“Just a hunch,” he said. “You’ve never struck me as a strictly missionary-and-lights-off kind of girl.”

“Yeah, well, that’s all I’ve been for the last four years. And that’s if I was lucky.”

“So Alec was more of an idiot than I thought,” he muttered.

“What?”

“Nothing. Anyway, I pegged you a long time ago for a woman who likes things a little hotter than most in the bedroom.”

“I wouldn’t know, honestly. It’s been forever since I’ve had anything I could call ‘hot in the bedroom.”

“He was really that lame?” His eyebrows lifted. “Alec never wanted to try
anything
?”

I laughed. “Are you kidding?”

“Not even a little cuff play? Blindfolds? Anything?”

“Absolutely not. He wouldn’t even try new positions, and as for BDSM, he doesn’t think that’s something ‘normal’ people do.”

Scott clicked his tongue. “Heard that a few times in my life.”

“He just assumed it was all freaky and disgusting.” I rolled my eyes.

“So many people do. And half of them probably do some light kink without even realizing it. They think we’re all freaks in gimp masks and nipple clamps, and they look down their goddamned noses at us while they’re tying their own partner’s wrists with a pair of nylons.” He laughed. “Not that it’s a pet peeve of mine or anything.”

“I can see that.”

He shrugged. “Just annoys me when people judge me because I take things to a different extreme.”

“Speaking of which, what kinds of things do you do with your—” I paused. “Partners?”

“Subs,” he corrected. “I fuck all three, but besides that, I do different things with all of them.”

“Such as?”

“Well, Amy likes being flogged, whipped, beaten, you name it. For her, sex isn’t worth having if it doesn’t hurt.” He smiled, the expression full of the same warmth and fondness as his voice when he added, “That woman is a
total
pain slut.” He shivered.

I laughed. “That’s an interesting way to put it.”

“It’s accurate. She gets off on pain. She thrives on it, and I’m happy to give it to her.”

“And the others?”

“Tara likes to be restrained and teased. I can tie her up and keep an orgasm just out of her reach for ages. I tease her with hot and cold, pain and pleasure, whatever I see fit to dish out.” He shifted a little, adjusting the way his hands sat on the railing on either side of him. “Kasey is training to be a slave, not just a sub. I don’t do the Master/slave thing as a rule, but I’m easing her into being completely submissive before she finds a Master. Once she’s comfortable with that, she’ll pursue someone who will give her the total domination she really wants.”

“Sounds like a lot of work for you.”

“Keeping up with three women? Especially those three? You’d better believe it.”

“So what do you get out of it? I mean, besides getting laid, of course.”

“With Amy, I get all the same things you’d expect from a relationship, minus the monogamy.” He ran a hand through his dark hair and paused to scratch the back of his neck. “With all three of them, I get power. They give up control, I gain that control. That, and I get off on watching them respond to everything I do or don’t do. Their responses, whether it’s getting frustrated or having an orgasm, drive me wild.”

“Is that just a guy thing?” I asked. “Getting off on watching?”

“I’ve known plenty of women who are voyeurs, but yes, a lot of guys like to watch. Why do you think so many of us like porn?”

“Point taken.”

“I happen to be both an exhibitionist and a voyeur, so this lifestyle suits me perfectly.”

“You don’t say,” I murmured.