Lighting the Flames (20 page)

He
didn
’
t misunderstand her question.

“
Two
days.
”

“
I
was in the hospital for two days.
”

“
I
know.
”

“
The
funeral was delayed because I wasn
’
t out
yet.
”

“
I
know.
”

Gen
’
s eyes began to
sting. It was a familiar feeling, but this time it was different,
the pain tempered with cold wonder.

“
You
sat with them. The whole time?
”

“
Most of it. I took breaks, and people came to relieve me so
I could rest, but yeah.
”
He looked down at the snow. When he
looked away from her, it felt like something had broken between
them, and it made the tears that had burned her eyes start to slide
down her cheeks. She felt her scarf begin turn cold and wet but she
didn
’
t move to wipe them away.

“
You
didn
’
t
…
I mean, you can
’
t eat or drink or
sleep when you do that. When you sit with the
dead.
”

“
I
know.
”
Jeremy
’
s mouth twisted into a wry, sad smile. Of course he
knew.

“
I
can
’
t believe you did that.
”

“
Why
not?
”
He looked up at her again, frowning, his arms still
crossed, his phone tight in one hand. He didn
’
t look angry. He
looked almost like a stranger again, like someone she
didn
’
t know. His eyebrows weren
’
t down, he
wasn
’
t smiling, and no part of him was loose or even moving. He
was utterly still and serious, almost formal. He looked like an
adult, someone far older than her.

“
That
’
s why you weren
’
t at their
funeral.
”

“
Yeah. Well, no. I could have gone, I wanted to,
except
…
I was sick. Fever. I wanted to go, but I
couldn
’
t get out of bed,
”
he said, blinking quickly. Was he
clearing tears from his eyes?

Gen was transfixed by
this other person lurking inside the guy she
’
d always known. This
serious person beneath the Jeremy everyone saw. She took a half
step closer to him, looking up at his face. She
’
d seen a glimpse of
him earlier that week, trying to fix the gate, then again when
he
’
d
refused to let her sleep in the bag she
’
d borrowed and gone
to get another one for her. It was like seeing a person she
recognized out of the corner of her eye over and over, then meeting
them face-to-face. This was who Jeremy became, who he was when they
were apart.

“
You
’
re so different when you talk about this. Now and when we
set up the scavenger hunt. Like Gallant just busted out of
Goofus.
”

He snorted.
“
Shut
up.
”

“
Thank you.
”
Her voice was quiet.

He
didn
’
t misunderstand her then, either.

“
You
are most welcome,
”
he said, in his normal voice. Then his voice
changed, grew deeper, more hoarse.
“
It was
my
…
honor to sit with your parents.
”

“
I
didn
’
t
…
see them.
”

“
I
know.
”

*

She wanted to ask, but
couldn
’
t. He knew. He could tell. He saw her open her mouth to
speak, then shut it, then try again. She blinked and tried to come
up with the words. She had stepped closer to him, watching him, her
eyes narrowed. That pinch of pain between her brows had
returned.

So he closed his eyes
for a moment and took a deep breath. He didn
’
t want look at her
and tell her this part, but he forced his eyes open, forced himself
to focus on her.

“
Everyone likes to say the dead look like
they
’
re sleeping. But that
’
s
not
…
really true. The dead are still, but it
’
s not like sleep.
It
’
s
more like whatever made them who they were is gone, and the body
they had is at peace. It
’
s the complete
absence of movement.
”

Gen took another half
step toward him, and he realized he
’
d turned his face
down toward the snow, away from her. So he did what he wanted to
do, what he was trying to avoid, and looked at her face. Tears were
slowly drawing lines on her cheeks, like a cup just overfull, a few
drops escaping over the edge. He reached out and pulled her to him
gently, folding her into his arms and leaning down slightly so he
could rest his chin on the top of her head.

She fit just like she
always did in the space of his arms. He didn
’
t want her to step
away, but he was afraid if he told her, if he shared this part of
his life, the part that pretty much made up most of his waking
hours at home, she wouldn
’
t look at him the
same way as she had earlier, with heat and fire and that curiosity
that always meant she was up to something. She might not want to
look at him at all.

But he
didn
’
t want to keep this part to himself anymore. Even if it
meant she
’
d see him and think about her parents, about their deaths,
about funerals. Even if it meant she wouldn
’
t see him anymore, he
wanted her to know.

“
Keep going,
”
she said. He nodded, then cleared his
throat.

“
You
know what happened in the accident, right?
”
Jeremy asked. Gen
shivered, and he understood it wasn
’
t from the
cold.

Despite her being one
of his closest friends, someone who lived beside him every summer
they spent at camp, even with the time that had passed,
they
’
d never talked about it. Not about her parents, not about
the accident, not about their funeral, not about any of
it.

“
Dad
skidded on some ice, and we spun, hit a tree.
”
She lifted her head
to see his face.
“
Would you tell me?
”

“
About what?
”

“
What happened, why you sat with them? About what you
do?
”

“
Are
you sure you want to know?
”

She nodded. He pressed his lips together and slowly
nodded back. She rested against him, lowering her head to his
chest, and he wrapped one arm around her shoulders to keep her warm
and close.

“
Sitting with the dead is a mitzvah.
”

“
Shemira.
I know all
that. I went to Hebrew school, too. I meant, please tell me what
happened with my parents.
”

“
I
know what you meant,
”
he said, tightening his arms.
“
I
’
m getting
there.
”

She nodded and sniffed, and used her scarf to wipe
her cheeks. Jeremy leaned his head back against the tree and closed
his eyes.

“
One
of us keeps watch until it
’
s time for
burial.
”

He was quiet for a
moment, turning over different memories in his mind, the quiet of
the room where they
’
d stood watch, all the hours he
’
d stood and prayed
and waited until the next step began.

“
I
never tell anyone this stuff, and no one in my family talks about
it.
”

“
You
don
’
t have to
—”

“
No,
I want to tell you, Gen. I want you to know. It
’
s
just
…
hard to explain.
”

He felt her nod, and felt the movement of her
breathing beneath his hands, both inviting him to describe that
part of his life.

“
Sometimes, if I sit
shemira
, things are
unsettled, even in a quiet room where it
’
s just me and the
deceased.
Shemira
is standing guard to protect the
body, but some scriptures also say that the souls of the deceased
stay with their bodies, and the shomer is there is to serve as a
comfort. So sometimes I feel like a sort of
…
guide, to say
it
’
s
okay to go now.
”

Gen had a picture in her mind of Jeremy walking
through the woods with campers and staff, guiding them on trail
hikes and climbing trips. Superimposed on that familiar image was
the serious Jeremy who spoke now, quietly guiding the souls of the
dead to wherever they were supposed to go.

“
Sometimes I pray or recite psalms in my head, but with your
parents I was
…
quiet.
”

“
Why?
”

“
I
couldn
’
t speak.
”

He took a breath, then another, and found the words
he needed to say.

“
When your car hit the tree, your dad was killed
immediately.
”

“
I
know. I was behind my mom, asleep. Lying down on the
seat.
”

“
I
followed my dad to the hospital to
…
to get your
father
’
s body and bring it back to the funeral home. Then
I
…
your dad, I think
…
I think his soul had
already gone, and when I was with his body, it was quiet.
Peaceful.
”

“
Dad
did always know exactly where he was going.
”

“
Is
that why you never use a GPS?
”

“
Yeah, I get it from him.
”
Gen blew out a breath that held a
fraction of amusement before she stilled.
“
And my
mom?
”

Jeremy pressed his teeth together in his mouth,
flexing his jaw and trying to keep his voice even.

“
I
think she
…”

“
What?
”
Gen lifted her head and looked at him. Her face was
wet, and her expression was so broken, for a moment he
couldn
’
t speak.

“
You
think she
…
what? Please, tell me.
”

“
I
never talk about this,
”
he said, shaking his head.
“
It
’
s not
…”

“
I
believe you.
”

Gen stood still though her breaths were jagged, in
and out in an irregular rhythm. He kept his arms around her, not
wanting to hold her too tightly, but it was easier to speak when he
felt her against him.

“
I
think she waited. Her soul, I mean. My dad came in briefly, but I
sat with both your parents that night and
…
it
wasn
’
t like it usually is. It was quiet, but
…
unsettled.
”

“
Were you scared?
”