Lights and Shadows (Oregon In Love) (28 page)

Julia didn’t resist. He took the opportunity to revel
in the softness of her hair against his cheek while she snuffled into
his chest. He was disappointed when she soon pulled away, trying to
dry her eyes.

“
I’m sorry I’m being so emotional. I’m always a
bit peevish after visiting my mother, but I don’t know what’s
wrong with me today. Maybe it’s because she didn’t bother to go
to my brother’s wedding or has been too busy to see her only
grandchild. It all tends to compound, I guess.”

Marc watched her fumble with a piece of tissue from her
purse. She dabbed at her eyes. “You must think I’m a big baby,”
she said with a shaky laugh.

Longing to pull her back into his embrace, he shook his
head. “I don’t think that.”

Julia regarded him intently for a moment, her hand
pausing in its movement. “Then what do you think about me?”
Before he could respond, she turned away. “Sorry. That was unfair.”

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“
That’s it?”

Julia shrugged and nodded. “This is it.”

Marc looked at the five large boxes stacked neatly in a
pyramid at the top landing of the stairway. He found it hard to
believe all her possessions could fit into those few boxes.

“
I thought you’d be hiring a moving company to have
the furniture moved.”

She waved a hand about. “Everything you see came with
the house. It’s one of the reasons I rented from my mother. It is
hard to find a decent place to live that’s furnished.”

“
Oh.”

Julia gave him a puzzled expression. “I might have a
reputation as a notorious shopper, but it’s almost exclusively
limited to clothing, much of which I took to Oregon.”

“
I see.” Marc looked at his watch as much for
reprieve as for the time. It was only ten in the morning and all she
had on her agenda was packing. “Well, now that you’re, uh,
packed, how do you want to spend the rest of the day?”

“
I need to get these boxes in the mail, then I hoped
you wouldn’t mind driving me around to some of my old haunts. I
doubt I’ll be coming back to San Diego on any kind of regular
basis.”

“
All right. Let’s go.”

As they headed out of the neighborhood, Marc could see
why San Diego was such a popular place to live. Aesthetically, the
warm kaleidoscope of sun-drenched hues bathing the Mediterranean
architecture and exotic foliage captured his imagination. He was glad
he brought a couple of his cameras.

After mailing off the boxes, they lunched in a tiny
restaurant near Windandsea Beach. From there, Marc drove Julia
through all the places holding memories for her, content to listen to
her ramblings. While she talked, however, he got an idea she had
lived a pretty lonely life. She didn’t mention any best friends or
exciting family adventures. Instead she spoke of places she’d
worked or community events she’d attended. Marc thought she sounded
more like a tour guide than a woman taking a trip down Memory Lane.

Later, at her request, he stopped at a florist shop and
waited in the car while she went inside. A few moments later, she
emerged from the shop with a large bouquet of spring flowers. Her
manner became subdued as she directed him to a nearby cemetery.

When they arrived, she straightened her shoulders. “You
can drop me off here.”

“
I’d rather wait for you.”

“
Marc,” she said firmly, “I need some time alone.
Go take some pictures or something.”

He regarded her, wishing he knew how to reach her.
“Okay. When do you want me to come back for you?”

Julia’s eyes scanned the distance, already distracted
by her task. “In about an hour.”

***

Julia waited until Marc drove out of sight before taking
a step. Then slowly, she walked along the paths of the cemetery until
arriving at a particular grave marker—Kevin Lee Wilcox. She stood
stiffly for a moment before finding a container for the flowers.
Julia placed them above the marker, then sat down on a nearby
concrete bench.

She didn’t come here often. It was too intense a
reminder of her failure. Why she’d chosen to come today, she
couldn’t really say. But as Julia looked down at the marker, she
wished there was a way she could express her regret to her late
husband. There were so many reasons to be sad. So many reasons to be
sorry.

If only she hadn’t pressured him into marriage,
although he seemed to want it as much as she had at the time. If only
she’d been more understanding and supportive of his struggles,
perhaps he’d still be alive today. The horror of his death came
back fresh in her mind. What had been his last thoughts? Had he
thought of her?

Even though I tried so hard, I still failed him
.

If only she could have his forgiveness.

If only she could forgive herself.

Julia knew she needed God’s forgiveness as well, knew
a part of the reason she stayed so busy was to block out her past.
She once hoped if she excelled in her endeavors, God would be pleased
with her. But she knew only one thing pleased God.

Faith
.

Julia realized she’d put her faith in herself in her
attempt to serve Him, and she’d done so in her own strength. But
how to change? How to stop striving and start trusting?

She knew God was near, that He understood her hurts and
struggles. And He loved her in spite of them.
Maybe
now was the time to let it all go
.

Peace is only a prayer away
. Julia wondered why
she'd fought God for so long. Her reasons were so pitiful, so
foolish. She put her head in her hands and squeezed her eyes shut.
Then she poured out all her pain, confusion, and heartbreak, all her
sorrow for everything that had gone wrong, for everything she’d
done
wrong. Her list was long, but she began to notice with
each confession, the load became lighter.

After a trembling breath, Julia’s tears changed from
sadness to thankfulness as a sweet, overwhelming peace began to
invade her heart. She sat quietly for a long time as her breathing
slowed, committing her future wholly into God’s hands, trusting He
would give her the grace to deal with whatever came her way.

Her thoughts drifted to Marc. If it turned out he wasn’t
part of that future, she’d have to accept that as well. But, in
spite of her resignation, Julia felt a tiny spark of hope flicker to
life within her. Maybe...just maybe, she’d get another chance.

In the stillness of the cemetery, Julia heard the motor
of a car. Glancing at her watch, she was surprised how fast the hour
had gone. Walking over once more to her husband’s grave, she stood
for a moment and finally said goodbye.

***

In the car, Julia appreciated that Marc seemed to
respect her mood. He didn’t ask any questions or make her feel
awkward in any way. Her heart felt sore from the strenuous episode in
the cemetery, but the wonderful balm of peace had already commenced
its healing work. She marveled at how long it had been since she felt
so free. Why had she ever resisted the nudges from God in the first
place?

Relaxing against the soft leather seat, she gave Marc a
sidelong glance. She wondered what he was thinking about and if his
thoughts included her. As if sensing her scrutiny, he looked over at
her for a second before turning his attention back to the road. His
expression had been neutral, but somehow his gaze had felt like a
caress—a notion that caused warmth to suffuse her body. The spark
of hope she experienced earlier now fanned into a flame. Julia stared
down at her hands, pressed tightly in her lap and tried to check the
surge of emotion that filled her.

That evening, their earlier plan to go out for dinner
was discarded in favor of ordering food in. Julia didn’t know if
she was overreacting, but she sensed a fragile, new awareness arching
between she and Marc.

After a light dinner, they sat carefully apart from one
another, but together on the same couch. Only a couple of lamps
illuminated the area, creating a sense of intimacy. Their
conversation didn’t go beyond surface subjects, but while Marc
talked of the road condition of Highway 101, he looked at her in a
most peculiar way. Spencer’s words about starving came to mind.

As the evening wore on, the tension in the air around
them grew almost tactile. As much as Julia wanted to reach out to
him, she decided he needed to be the one to make the first move—if
there was a move to be made. She bit back her disappointment when, at
ten-thirty, there seemed little else to do but go to bed. After a
polite goodnight, Julia went up to her room with a heavy heart. She
pulled on a tank top and flannel PJ bottoms and studied her
reflection in the mirror.

Tomorrow, we’ll be on the road to Monterey, then
after that...back home. Marc will return to his classes and I’ll
return to...whatever
.

Julia brushed out her hair and reminded herself not to
worry about the future.

After turning out the light and crawling into bed, she
had a hard time getting comfortable, especially when she heard Marc
enter the guest room. How could she be comfortable when the man she
loved was just a few feet away? The few feet separating them might as
well been a million miles, she thought grumpily. She was probably
wrong to think he had any feelings for her. Most likely, Marc was in
there, snoring up a storm, dreaming of when he could be done with his
favor to her brother.

Julia closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep. But
her mind continued to churn. At some point, she must’ve dropped
off, because when she next glanced at her clock radio, the time was
two a.m. Tossing aside the blankets, she decided to kill some time
getting a drink of water. Not wanting to use the upstairs bathroom,
possibly disturbing Marc, she padded silently down the stairs and
went into the kitchen.

Chapter Thirty

Marc finally kicked off his blankets and got out of bed.
His attempts at sleep were futile. Roughly pushing his hand through
his hair, he began to pace around the room.

Unless he was imagining things, the signals he’d
received tonight from Julia were definitely in his favor. But he had
no clue how to act on them. What he felt like doing had caveman
overtones, so he had to cross that off his list.

Maybe what he really needed to do was go stick his head
under cold running water. Marc smiled ruefully. But the thought of
water made him realize he was thirsty. Holding up his arm to the
light of the moon, his watch read 1:55 a.m. If he got a drink in
Julia’s bathroom, he might wake her up, so after slipping into his
jeans, he quietly made his way downstairs.

In the kitchen, Marc got a glass from the cupboard and
filled it with tap water. After quenching his thirst, he put the
glass in the dishwasher and wondered what to do next. He went into
the living room and opened the wooden mini-blinds covering the
sliding glass door.

Moonlight and shadow alternated stripes across the room.
He opened the door a crack to let in a bit of fresh air. A cool
breeze blew over his skin. Was he arrogant to think Julia had nudged
open a way to another chance? He snorted. Why would she after the way
he had treated her? After the way he had assumed everything in their
relationship? He'd never given her a chance to speak her mind.

No, he'd made the decision that it couldn't work. Just
like that, he'd ended it.

He knew he didn't deserve a second chance with Julia,
but with all his heart, he desired one.

A noise caught his attention. He held his breath when he
saw Julia enter the kitchen and reach into the cupboard for a glass.
After debating whether or not to make his presence known, he softly
called her name.

She let out a little gasp. He heard the sound of
shattering glass. Marc pushed away from the wall. “Don’t move.”

Julia started to say something, but let out a squeak
instead. He entered the kitchen as far as he could without stepping
on splintered shards of glass.

“
Where do you keep your broom?”

“
Next to the refrigerator,” she said in a hoarse
voice.

Marc grabbed the broom and meticulously swept the entire
kitchen. After dumping it in the trash, he noticed a red puddle
pooling under Julia’s bare foot.

“
You’re cut.”

Licking her lips, she nodded. “As soon as you’re
done, I’ll just hop over to the bathroom and get cleaned up.”

“
It’s my fault for startling you. Since there could
still be glass embedded in your skin, let me carry you.”

“
That’s not necessary—”

Before she could protest further, Marc scooped her up
and carried her into the hall bathroom. Pushing the door open with
his knee, he brought her inside and set her on the counter.

“
Thanks,” she said, her voice wobbly. “But I can
take over from here.”

Ignoring her words, Marc switched on the light and bent
down to examine the bottom of her foot.

***

Julia knew her cheeks flamed scarlet. Mortified by the
sudden turn of events, she bit her lip. To be seated on a bathroom
counter like an injured child wasn’t a scenario she imagined in her
hope for a reconciliation with Marc. His hand was warm where he
cradled her foot. Then she felt a sharp jab of pain, making her jump.