Like Arrows (Cedar Tree #6) (32 page)

I want to look away. I know I can't avoid letting her in completely, but I hesitate showing her the darkest side of me. The risk is not insignificant.

"I made choices that weren't the right ones."

"That's understandable." She smiles and I love her for it, but she has no idea.

"I've done bad things, Kimeo. Things that should've landed me in jail for a very long time. Bad things that have harmed others." I see her wince, before she regroups and smiles a tremulous smile in encouragement. I'll take it. Even if it's all I'll get. "Ending up in Cedar Tree, I saw the family my brother had built for himself, and rejected it at first. But there's no way to keep these people at bay, as I'm sure you've now learned. Once they decide you're part of the family, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.” She chuckles at that and smiles, almost nostalgically. “I didn't stand a chance,” I continue. “But really trusting? Real trust, where you put your faith in someone, give yourself completely? I never wanted that. Never believed in it. And then you happened, " I say and reach out to cup her face, because I need to feel her soft skin. "Like a fucking tsunami you wiped out my carefully constructed barriers until every last emotion was floating around aimlessly." I can't hold back the chuckle of self-derision that slips out. "To think I thought I was beyond feeling seems funny now. Truth is, I'm a fucking mess,
Nizhóní
. I spent the last almost seventy-two hours holed up in a kiva in Utah with only a bottle of water for a companion. I probably stink, am dirty and the only thing I was able to get clear in my head is that nothing is worth anything if it doesn't have you."

I roll Kim over on her back and brace myself over her. "So you see, I'm not anything like the man you thought." I see emotions swirling in her eyes and hold my breath for what comes next.

"No, you're not. You're more."

K
im

My voice comes out whispered and for a minute I think he hasn't heard me.

I didn't think there would be anything he could say that would make me understand why he up and left on Friday. I was wrong. Now that he's lifted a veil, there is so much unresolved pain and grief visible, it's a miracle he's able to function the way he has. I'm no stranger to the kind of damage that can be done to a child. With actions just as much as with words. But words can heal too, when weighed carefully and given without reservation. Mal has shown me that. He's used his words as a balm on the wounds left by others. Time and time again. It's my turn.

Finding his eyes with mine, I stroke my fingers over his unshaven jaw until I know I have his complete focus.

"I love all of you, Malachi. Each part, every nuance, the dark, the light, the protective, the vigilant, the tender, the wounded—I love them all. Each separately and all combined. There isn't a part of you I want to hide from or want hidden from me. I love you."

His eyes grow darker above mine and he opens his mouth as if to say something before closing it again, clenching his jaw. He inhales sharply through his nose and then buries his face in the hollow of my neck, his arms banding tightly around me.

And I tighten my hold on him, making the same silent vow without words, the message infinitely stronger.

K
im

I'd been dozing off with Mal's body pinning me to the bed when my phone started ringing. Exhaustion must've felled him, because he'd fallen asleep with his head on my chest. Poor guy. When I tried to ignore the insistent ringing, he'd woken up and mumbled for me to get it.

"Might be something important. Could be your sister. Go grab it, I'm gonna wash the kiva off me." With a stroke of his fingertips over my face and a soft press of his lips on mine, he disappeared into the bathroom. I just managed to get to the phone before it stopped ringing.

"I mean it, Kim. I've been giving this a lot of thought while I was stuck in that damn 'safe-house' with my very cranky husband. I don't care what he says. This store is my dream, and with your help, I think we can make it something truly unique."

"I don't want to be the cause of a rift between you, though."

That makes Kerry laugh bitterly. "Honey, trust me, it's got nothing to do with you. It's something I guess has been a bone of contention between us from the start. It just has been driven to the surface in the past few weeks. Greg's never been a fan of me starting my own business. Never quite voiced why, but I get the feeling that it somehow threatens his sense of male superiority. He is a simple, hard-working man, who doesn't understand my passion. He doesn't even read, for God's sake. It's frivolous to him. The sad part is, he can't even bring himself to be excited on my behalf. He's never really had much of a reaction to what I've built so far. Not even when the local newspaper did that write up—he just tossed it aside. What he wants is not who I am. It never was, except I'm only just now realizing it. All the years of research I did before I opened the store, he thought of it as a hobby. Never took it seriously. Ever since the store opened he's been increasingly unhappy that it takes my attention away from him."

"I'm so sorry, Kerry. I had no idea it rooted that deep." My heart aches for my friend. I knew her marriage wasn't all bliss, but I hadn't realized how brittle it really is.

"Nothing to be sorry for, sweetie. We'll just have to deal—and we will. In the meantime you get yourself sorted until you feel ready to jump in with me."

I say goodbye to Kerry when I hear the shower turn off upstairs. She'd initially called to offer to take me to the hospital tomorrow. She was happy for me but cautious when I told her Mal had come back. Without going into details, I assured her his reasons for leaving so abruptly were enough for me.  She did insist on being in the hospital waiting room with him. There wasn't a thing I could say that would sway her and I have to admit, it makes me feel better to know she'd be there.

"Kim?" Mal's voice travels down the stairs. "Everything okay?"

I get to the bottom of the stairs, look up at him and my stomach does a silly twist. With his hair still loose but washed, and naked but for a towel wrapped around his hips, he looks like a fearless warrior. It only makes me feel more blessed that a man so strong and powerful valued me enough to bare his soul.

"Everything is fine. That was Kerry inquiring about tomorrow, but I told her you'd be taking me."

He slowly starts moving down the stairs and stops on the last step, looking down on me. "I am?" he asks and for a minute I feel unsure. Maybe I assumed too much?

"Well, unless you'd rather not. I didn't mean to presume..."

"I want to," he says gruffly, lifting a hand to wipe a wayward strand of hair out of my face. "Wherever this journey leads, I won't let you take another step alone."

M
al

"That's a new one," Neil's voice sounds from the kitchen door where he stands, hands in his pockets and shivering slightly. "It's usually the kitchen where I seem to have a habit of walking into evidence of my coworkers' primal urges. This time it's the stairs. Maybe I should write this down for posterity?"

Kim takes a few steps back immediately and turns a pretty shade of pink. I pull the towel off my hips, ball it up and toss it at him.

"You're a pain in my ass, boy," I call over my shoulder as I march bare-assed up the stairs to get dressed.

"I'm fucking blind now!" Neil yells dramatically which has Kim burst out in giggles behind me.

Once dressed, I find Kim on the couch, her nose deep in her book, and with a soft kiss on her lips, I wander into the kitchen to find Neil.

"Catch me up. What did I miss?"

He looks up from the laptop on the counter. "Not a hell of a lot. They've got Hartnett en route to a safe house, but they haven't managed to get anything useful out of him. Other than that, there seems to be a tug of war going on between jurisdictions. Everyone wants a go at this guy and since he's got charges pending in different states now, the FBI is taking control. For the moment."

"No chance of getting this resolved any time soon, is there?" I observe and I can tell Neil appreciates my sense of urgency. It's two-fold; I want both clouds of uncertainty removed from looming over our heads. Gomez has made it clear he intends to use Kim's testimony to help tie Hartnett to the murder of her boss, and that has become even more pivotal to the case now that they don't have any other witnesses left, with Winter and his partner dead. And then there's the concern over the outcome of the surgery scheduled for tomorrow. Too many balls in the air, and all are connected. A heavy feeling settles back on my shoulders but this time I'm not running away from it. I'm standing firm.

"She'll be okay," Neil offers, making me wonder how he can read me so well.

"Yes she will, but get the fuck out of my head, boy. You're freaking me out."

With a chuckle, he turns back to his screen and leaves me to pour myself a coffee.

-

"I
s this another recipe from your
amá sáni?"

Kim walks up behind me and leans around, her hand on the middle of my back and her nose over the pan.

"Sort of. It's just a beef stew, but she used to make it with deer meat. Venison."

"Smells good. What's in this?"

"Cubed beef, carrots, onions, a few bay leaves and black pepper. Oh, and some wine."

"That's what I smell, the wine and the bay leaves." She turns and smiles at me, lifting her face for a kiss. "Makes me hungry."

I chuckle at her suggestive words. "It does, does it? Too bad Neil is in the other room and I can guarantee he won't be leaving on an empty stomach. For all his size, the guy is one big hollow leg." I lay the spoon on the counter and wrap my arms around her. "But once he's fed and I close the door behind him, I plan to feast on you."

"Incoming," Neil walks into the kitchen, sniffing the air. "When's dinner?"

Kim and I look at each other and burst out laughing. It feels fucking great.

Neil takes kitchen duty after almost clearing out the pans, and Kim and I are just sitting back on the couch, watching the news for the first time in what seems like forever, when the doorbell rings.

"They wouldn't let me bring booze!" I hear Arlene's near bellow from the front door, when Kim gets up to answer.

"Not a good idea to thin the blood of someone who is going under the knife tomorrow, you twit," Emma points out and the banter between those two makes me smile as it always does. Goes a long way to soothe the irritation of seeing my plans for the evening evaporate with their arrival. When I turn in my seat, I find three angry pairs of eyes staring at me.

"Decided to come back, did ya?" Of course Arlene is the first one to attack. “Your girl gets bad news and your solution is to slink off to wherever you went and let her face that shit alone? Never expected that of you, Mal."

"Arlene!" Emma tries to shush her but doesn't take her accusing eyes off me.

I'm about to respond, because she's right. The two of them plus Naomi have cause to be angry at me, but Kim doesn't give me a chance. She walks over to stand in front of me and turns to the three women. "You've been amazing friends, better than I've ever known and I'm so grateful for that—but—you have no right to come barging in and go on the attack when you don't have a clue what you're talking about."

"But, honey, he left you..."Arlene persists.

"I saw you this morning, you were barely hanging on," Naomi points out. But Emma's eyes go from me to Kim and back, and the faintest ghost of a smile tilts her lips.

"She's right."

"He had good reason and that's all you need to know. He explained to
me
and that was good enough," Kim says firmly with her hands fisted at her side fierce in her protection of me.

I stand up and slip my arms around her waist from behind. "Down, tiger," I mumble for her ears only, but in current company that's an impossible feat. They all heard, but I ignore them. "They're just looking out for you and that's not a bad thing."

Kim turns in my arms, looking up at me confused. "But it's—"

"Shhh." I put my finger on her lips before turning to the group assembled.