Lillian's Light Horseman (3 page)

Standing before her was not James Cartwright, as she’d expected, but his younger brother William.

Lillian stared at him in mute astonishment, her mind whirling and her heart thumping a rapid drumbeat against her ribcage. A range of dormant emotions bubbled fiercely to the surface of her consciousness. Her anguish at his betrayal of their love, the terrible hurt he’d caused her and—strongest but hardest to cope with—the deep feelings of devotion and affection that she still held for him.

She was awash in sensations—shock, disbelief and uncertainty. She’d neither seen nor heard from him since that day ten years ago, when her father had informed her that William was to marry another and that Lillian would be leaving Australia for England.

Wariness and the ultimate need for self-preservation overtook her and she pulled herself together. She stiffened her spine and raised her chin. Looking him in the eye, she waited for him to make the first move.

She saw her own shock and disbelief reflected in his face, but he quickly masked his emotions, expertly affecting an impassive expression as he stood quietly assessing her.

“Well, well, this
is
a surprise. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit after so many years?” he asked, his tone mocking and cold.

Lillian was taken off guard. How could he sound so bitter and accusing when it was
he
who had betrayed
her
? And how could he look so calm and collected when her emotions were spinning out of control? She studied him, trying to regain some of her composure.

The years had changed him—he was still devastatingly handsome but more masculine and powerful. He had lost the leanness of youth, his body now strong and muscular and there was a hard edge to his chiseled jaw. His brown hair, burnished copper from the sun, was too long for fashion and fell just below his collar. An unruly lock flopped over his forehead, imparting a rakish air, and his hazel-green eyes held a hard intensity that had not been there before, giving the impression that he’d seen and experienced things that made him view the world differently.

She thought fleetingly of Mrs. Thompson’s letter and her mention of the war and wondered if it had been William to whom she’d been referring. He crossed his arms over his chest, his posture rigid as he waited for her to respond to his question.

“I was expecting your brother,” she said quietly. “I’m the new governess for your brother’s children.”

He raised an eyebrow, a look of surprise crossing his features. “That’s very interesting considering that James has been dead for five years.”

Lillian gasped in dismay but before she could respond, he continued to speak.

“My brother was fatally injured when he was thrown from a horse. The children to whom you refer are
mine
and I take it that you are Miss Hamilton?”

“Yes, I’m Miss Hamilton, the governess.”

Lillian was reeling from this latest information. She’d assumed when Mrs. Thompson had written of Mr. Cartwright that she’d been referring to James, the older brother. She hadn’t for a second thought that Mr. Cartwright, owner of Mulga Creek Sheep Station, was William. She needed time to think and reassess her situation but she suspected that William was not about to give her that luxury.

“And why do you go by the name Miss Hamilton? Was it to misrepresent your identity?” He cocked his head to one side and studied her. “Or is it the name of your husband and you have represented yourself as unmarried in order to seem a more appealing prospect for the governess position?”

It appalled her that he’d think or even suggest she would be so deliberately deceitful. She was shocked by his accusations and realized that what she had hoped could be a new beginning would bring her nothing but further heartache. It was very clear that William did not want her at Mulga Creek and genuinely believed that she’d been duplicitous in her application for governess. She doubted she could find suitable words to explain her situation. Her thoughts were in turmoil and she suspected a form of shock was setting in. No, there was nothing more for her to say. She needed to leave as soon as possible—only then could she take stock of her circumstances and plan a way forward.

Summoning an inner strength she didn’t know she possessed and struggling not to break down in front of him, she straightened her spine and looked William squarely in the eye.

“Please accept my sincerest apology,
Mr. Cartwright
. I was led to believe that it was your brother who required the services of a governess. I would not have accepted the offer had I known that it was for the
younger
Mr. Cartwright. I must impose upon your hospitality this evening. I will arrange to leave first thing in the morning.”

Before her stiff façade crumbled and she fell into a quivering heap on the floor, she swept out of the drawing room, maintaining a dignity that she didn’t feel under the circumstances. Upon entering the hallway, she stumbled down it in a desperate quest of an exit. She needed to find somewhere quiet and isolated where she could think and give vent to her anguish and astonishment.

Chapter Three

William didn’t try to stop Lillian when she fled the drawing room. There was no point. She couldn’t go anywhere and she obviously needed to be alone—as did he.

His heart rate raced with the effects of seeing her again, his pulse roaring in his ears. He’d managed to keep his emotions in check though while outwardly he’d looked composed, inwardly he was in turmoil, his reaction to her presence so visceral that he felt lightheaded.

When she’d turned from the window and he’d caught sight of her for the first time, he had initially thought he was imagining things. It had taken some moments for his mind to catch up with his eyesight and assert that what he was seeing was real and not a vision.

He shook his head, trying to clear it and make sense of the situation. How had it occurred that Lillian would apply for the governess post? Of course she’d expected to see James and she’d made it very clear that if she’d known that it was he—William—who required the governess then she would not have accepted the position. And where was the husband and why in God’s name had the man allowed his wife to travel unchaperoned across to the other side of the world? The last he’d heard was that she was resettling in England with an eye to marry a more prosperous prospect, as if she were a gold-digging floozy. He’d never understood it. Those actions were not the actions of the girl he’d admired and loved. Just the thought of her deceit, even so many years later, made his blood boil.

Cold, hard fury swept through him. How dare she re-enter his life when he’d worked so hard to forget her? He clenched his fists in frustration while he regulated his breathing. Shoving a hand through his hair, he propped his other against the wall over the mantel, pondering what to do. His head was telling him to send her on her way and wave her cheerily goodbye while his heart was insisting that he keep her with him—to lock her up—if that was the only way to make her stay.

To make matters worse, her beauty was undiminished and had only grown and enhanced as she’d matured. He’d barely stopped himself from reaching out to caress her flawless skin. He’d wanted to grasp her lush body and lock her against him. And the sight of those wide green eyes, looking so confused and anxious, had nearly undone him.

“Oh God,” he groaned aloud with suppressed desire. He rested both hands on the mantelpiece and hung his head, emotions warring a fierce battle within him.

Even her scent was the same—a hint of apples had wafted to him when she’d swept past, punching him in the gut with a feeling of
déjà vu
so intense that it had taken his breath away.

He’d never forgotten the rich color and texture of her hair—a beautiful auburn—a shade he’d never seen on anyone else. And that body! She no longer had a girl’s slight figure but ripe, sexual curves that he could discern clearly beneath the drab fabric of her traveling attire.

William thought about her husband and a surge of jealousy twisted his insides. The fact that the man was able to touch and caress those luscious curves when he, William, should have been the first and only one to do so had a haze of red suffusing his gaze.

How had she even learned that he required a governess and why on earth would she apply for such a post? He hadn’t given her a chance to explain, although what she could say that would justify her actions of ten years ago, he didn’t know.

What should he do now? He was terrified of being hurt again and his gut told him that if he allowed her to stay, that’s exactly the path he’d be heading down—one of heartbreak and anguish.

Lillian had inflicted feelings of betrayal and guilt on him for ten years—betrayal at her desertion of their love and the guilt of never having fought for her. There had been other feelings of guilt too—the guilt of never having been able to love his wife enough. Ruth had been a good and caring woman. However, he’d
never
been
in
love with her. He’d cared for her deeply and respected her immensely but his heart had only ever truly belonged to Lillian. And now that Lillian had walked back into his life, William was afraid for his sanity
and
she supposedly belonged to another. But what if he couldn’t let her go a second time? What would become of him then?

Ten years ago, he’d been a young man of nineteen, barely out of boyhood and still too emotionally immature to have questioned the actions of Lillian and her father. If he had that time over again, he wouldn’t have stood for it. He would have fought for her tooth and nail. Time and experience had toughened him and instilled in him strength of character. He knew that his tendency to command and dominate was not always a benefit, but he liked to think that he would never again be weak-willed or exploited.

He sighed heavily in exasperation. He couldn’t send her away. There was some reason she was here and he wasn’t so vindictive that he would cast her out to find her way alone. No, he would speak to her and reach an agreement.

Now she knew for whom she’d be working. If she’d be willing to stay on, he wouldn’t ask her any questions about her life and he wouldn’t pry into the reasons behind her return to Australia. It was none of his concern and he suspected that further elaboration would only serve to embarrass her and hurt him.

He stared into the empty fireplace and assessed the circumstances.
Perhaps if I keep my distance and maintain a purely professional relationship with her, it could work
. Even as he told himself that, he knew deep down that he would struggle to remain detached. But keeping his guard up was essential if he wasn’t prepared to risk more despair and betrayal, because if that happened, he didn’t think he would survive it a second time.

* * * *

Lillian found herself in the backyard. She’d fled the house so quickly, her eyes blurry with unshed tears, that she hadn’t realized where she was even heading. She made her way over to a tall Coolabah tree and sank to her knees beneath it, swiping angrily at the tears coursing down her cheeks. She was mortified and furious at William’s unfair accusations. What made him think that she was married? Was it just the name change or was there something else?

She had to leave the following morning but where she would go she had no idea. She drew in a sharp, shuddering breath in an attempt to calm her shattered nerves. She’d appreciated that her decision to return to Australia was a risk but she hadn’t considered the possibility of being without shelter and financial stability so quickly.

Determined not to weep any longer, she took a few moments to collect herself before she stood and made her way back to the house. She’d come this far, so she wouldn’t crumble under pressure from the unknown. She’d survive as she always did and she
would
get by. She would speak to Mrs. Thompson when she returned from running the household errands. Perhaps the housekeeper could offer some advice regarding other possible positions.

As Lillian stepped into the hall of the house, William appeared in the doorway of the drawing room.

“Miss Hamilton, please may I speak with you a moment?”

Lillian paused, wondering what more he could possibly say to her. Curiosity overcame her wariness, however, and she followed as he led the way to his study. He stopped and sat behind a large mahogany desk. She stood facing him uncertainly.

William gestured for her to take a seat opposite him. “You’ve been crying. I’m sorry to have caused you so much distress. I apologize for my less than civil behavior earlier. Your appearance caught me off guard.”

She perched on the edge of her chair and gave him a curt nod in acceptance of his apology.

“I would like you to assume the governess position. I understand if—after my behavior—you wish to leave, but I would like you to listen to what I have to say.”

Lillian willed herself to meet his gaze and lifted her chin. “Go on.” She was amazed at the steadiness in her voice and gave herself a mental pat on the back.

He cleared his throat. “I think that if we can forget the past and focus on the future and maintain a professional relationship, then I don’t see any reason why this can’t work. I have two children—Edward, who is seven, and Clara, who is five. They are good children and need a governess to see to their education and, to a certain extent, their upbringing regarding etiquette and appropriate behavior. You will be satisfactorily paid and, of course, you will have room and board. I have set aside a small room upstairs to serve as a classroom. I think your instruction would be beneficial for them and I know that your education is more than sufficient for the role. I won’t ask anything about your life, since we knew each other before. Your past is your business and your business alone. I don’t know the circumstances that brought you here but I won’t see you put out if you require a position and shelter. I’m definitely not that vindictive.”

Lillian needed a moment to process his words. He was studying her intently, trying to read her features for a reaction.

She stood and paced to the window to think. While she was thankful that William had given her a chance to stay, his words—so devoid of emotion—left her feeling cold and desolate. But the inescapable fact was that she had no other options. She must stay and make the best of a bad situation. The children were the priority and should provide a much-needed diversion and keep her busy enough that she wouldn’t think too often about William and their past. And provided they kept out of each other’s way as much as possible, she might minimize any additional hurt that being so near to him again would surely bring.