Little Battles (23 page)

My jaw loosened. I hadn’t even noticed how tight it had been. I got off the bed and noted his disappointment right away, because he didn’t realize I was still holding his hand. I wanted him to stand up with me, so I tugged on his arm. If he was going to touch my face, it sure as hell wasn’t going to happen on a bed.

When he was standing, I moved away a little so that I could look up at his face, maintaining our connection. I took a deep breath. “Just…do it.”

He looked confused as he seemed to study every millimeter of my face. I could feel the liquid energy that sang out from his eyes, coating and covering my skin. “I w-w-won’t if you don’t w-want me to.”

I bit the inside of my cheek and took another breath. It would happen sooner or later, I might as well get it over with. I saw his hand rise up in my periphery and I shut my eyes. As I tightened my grip on him with one hand, I fisted his shirt with the other.

It was such a feather-light touch. If I hadn’t known he was doing it, I might not have felt it at all. I felt emboldened because it wasn’t so bad, just a little tickling, almost like a prickling feeling.

But then he brushed his thumb harder underneath my eye.

Breathing became difficult and it seemed as though the oxygen had left the room.

He rubbed his fingertips in light circles near my ear, and my stomach tightened.

I suddenly felt gentle knuckles along the line of my cheek.

Just like that I was back on my bed in Florida, and I felt like all of the air in my lungs had suddenly left and my whole body was on fire with fear and confusion and helplessness. He wasn’t supposed to be in my room. He was supposed to be with my mother.

His voice was dirty in my ear, his breath too hot and sticky.

He didn’t keep his hand on my face for long, but moved it to my chest and pressed hard until I was immobilized. His hands were big and his arms were well-muscled. It hadn’t mattered what I did, the weight of him kept even my arms and legs from acting on the impulses my brain was shooting at them.

I gasped for breath as I felt like I was going to pass out from lack of air, and I quickly backed away from Elliott, going over to his books. He must have just read
The Pearl
by Steinbeck, because it wasn’t pushed back as far as the others.

I had to work hard to control my breathing, and I was glad that he hadn’t followed me. I already felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t think I could handle drowning in his light right now.

I took the green rock from my pocket and squeezed it, enjoying the painful jabs it shot into my hand. At the same time, I pinched the hair at the base of my head and tightened my grip. The heat that radiated from the tinge of pain woke me up a bit.

“I have to work the whole weekend, but maybe we could do something Sunday night or whatever. I mean, I’m still grounded, but Tom would let you come over.”

“W-why did you t-take that p-pill?”

I went to the couch, sat down, and curled myself as tightly as possible. “Because I knew that she was going to ask me about shit that I didn’t want to talk about.”

“A ssssalad isn’t en-nough, SSSophie.”

I sighed, annoyed. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I
can
take care of myself.”

I’d been doing it for a while now and I knew that from his perspective, I must’ve looked like a massive screw-up who couldn’t manage to feed herself properly, but I’d gotten this far without anyone giving a shit about what or when I ate.

“I kn-know you can, b-b-but I just w-want to help.” He came and sat next to me, and even though there was nothing more interesting to look at than him, I turned my face away.

Sometimes it just hurt to look at him.

He was so hopeful that it made me ache. Hadn’t the hope been beaten out of him? How was it that he could just keep on going as if the universe hadn’t stacked all the cards against him? How could he be shut down so many times but still try?

I didn’t know the details of his past, but I knew he was here, living with a man who wasn’t his father, with two kids who weren’t his siblings. I knew about his stutter and I could only imagine how that had messed with his head when he was younger, hindering his ability to connect with kids his age. I knew his stupid bitch of a mother killed herself in front of him, and I knew despite that, he still loved her like she was an angel.

But that was all I knew.

He didn’t talk about his father, but the man looked like an asshole, so I could understand.

Elliott wasn’t comfortable talking about his brother either.

But he was so… I didn’t know how he could keep going to school every day with the weight he carried around. The weight I felt pulled me down constantly, and the only thing that kept me going most days was the buoy of the constant stream of numbness I got from pot, or whatever else was on the table.

I wasn’t quite sure how it happened, but I was leaning into him, resting back against him on his couch. The heat of his body felt good and right. He was always so warming, and not just in a sexual way either, although it was becoming much more difficult for me to keep my hands off of him. The only thing that helped was the fact that he always stopped, as if we’d crossed some line of “too much,” when in reality, it was never enough.

“How are your hands?”

“B-better.”

“Do they hurt?”

“N-not really.”

“Chris hasn’t been in school all week. You should kick the shit out of him every Monday to save us from having to see his stupid face.”

I shifted and twisted, turning to look directly at him now. He was fine with me taking him in for all of twenty seconds, and then when I didn’t say anything, he fidgeted, looking away as he tensed up.

“Why do you do that?”

He shook his head, his lips pursing together as he tried to say something. I assumed he wanted me to clarify my question.

“Why do you think so badly of yourself?” His eyes widened, but then he looked down at his hands. “I mean, you know that you’re better than what you think you are, right?”

It was a stupid question, because obviously he didn’t.

I turned so that we were face-to-face, and then got onto my knees to get next to him. I was close enough that my breasts brushed his shoulder. “You act like you’re an ugly guy who was born with a face that no one wants to see, but that’s not you.”

He turned toward his wall of music as he scratched the back of his neck.

“You’re sexy.”

Elliott drew in a shaky breath and then it looked as if he was going to get up. If I had to guess, it was to put on some music to calm himself.

I didn’t want him to, so I straddled him as had become my custom. As he began to breathe deeper and quicker, he put his hands on my hips and I suddenly realized that because they were injured, he wouldn’t be able to control my movements.

His breath was accompanied by a low groan.

That groan was sexy as hell and it made everything inside of me vibrate.

As I kissed the line of his jaw, I loved that he hadn’t been able to shave, leaving reddish-blond whiskers to tickle my lips and tongue as I ran it along his flesh.

I needed him. I needed him to want me like I wanted him. I needed him to need me this way, so when he used his still-injured hands to push me away, it wounded me as much as it had the first time.

Like always, I pressed myself into him more. “No one will know, Elliott. You don’t have to tell anyone.” I sucked his earlobe. “Or you can tell everyone, I don’t care, just…just…”

“SSSSoph-phie,” he gasped.

I bit my lower lip and squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted him, and he kept pulling this shit despite the fact that I could
feel
how much he wanted me. “Please?” I practically begged.

“SSS-SSS-SSSS…”

I pulled away, getting off of him. “Yeah, I know, ‘we can’t’.”

He reached out and kept me from getting up. I fought against the urge to yank my wrist out of his loose hold. It would have injured him even more. “SSSSophie, p-please don’t be mad.”

I wasn’t mad. I was disappointed. I wanted him and I needed him more than I should have.

I felt a feathery touch on my cheek and instantly I jerked my head away. It took a moment, but I forced my jaw to relax and I kept myself from batting his hand away.

He knew that I didn’t like my face touched, and yet he did it anyway.

“Stop,” I said quietly, and got up. I went over to his iPod and fiddled with it until music came out. “I’m not mad, Elliott.”

I heard him get up, but I didn’t look at him. I felt him next to me, but I didn’t react. “You ssssseem m-m-mad.”

I crossed the room to get away from him very deliberately, because he needed to know that if he was going to reject me like that, I needed at least a few feet of distance in order to redirect the lusty thoughts I was having. I glided my fingers along the spines of the books on the lowest shelf. They were his art and music books. “I’ll tell you when I’m mad.”

“T-tell mme w-what you’re thinking r-right now.”

“You don’t want to know,” I said with a sigh.

“I d-do.”

Fine. I supposed if he wanted to know, I should tell him. “I want to have sex with you, and I’m trying to be good because you deserve someone who’s good, but I can’t seem to find the right balance. I want you, but can barely manage to get you to let me stick my tongue in your mouth.”

Unfortunately, my bluntness caused him to choke on air and I spun around to see him practically gasping for breath. I couldn’t do anything right, and I realized in order to be good for Elliott, I needed to stop being so blunt, because he obviously couldn’t handle it.

But it was hard to keep my hands off of him when I was near him. He was over there nearly panicking and I felt like shit because I caused it.

So I went over to him, deciding to touch him the only way he would allow me to without freaking out, gently massaging his scalp as I softly held his bandaged hand. After a moment, his breathing returned to normal and his heart rate regulated itself to a normal pace. He expelled a breath and I moved away from him, because the closeness was suddenly suffocating.

“I have to go, Elliott.”

“D-d-don’t.” He grabbed for my hand, but I was too quick.

“I have to work in the morning.”

“Y-y-you alw-ways lllleave, SSSSophie. D-d-don’t llleave.”

He had a point, but I wasn’t about to concede. “I have to go.”

My hand was on the doorknob and I stopped for a moment, contemplating staying in his room until I absolutely had to leave, but when he came closer, my body and mind reacted. It was time to go. “So, yeah, you can e-mail me or whatever, and maybe we’ll do something Sunday.”

It was the last thing I said before leaving the room, and Elliott, behind.

My whole body registered that it hurt to be so far away from him, but I couldn’t go back now.

“Hey, don’t touch that!” I spun around, immediately pulling my hand away from the powered pallet jack. Brody leaned in closer to me. I hadn’t realized that he was even in the backroom. “You’re not eighteen yet.”

His smile was much too smug, and I couldn’t help but smile back, my initial fear fading to nothing. “I wasn’t going to use it or anything, but that flashing green light just kept taunting me.” I shrugged.

“You’re hell-bent on doing things you’re not supposed to, aren’t you?”

I shook my head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“That thing would eat you alive. I know this guy on third shift who nearly lost his foot.”

I looked at him. There was a sparkle in Brody’s eyes that told me he was actually a nice guy, and not just someone who wanted to bend me over the pallet of sugar cookies. I’d liked him from the first moment I met him, but after working with him a little longer, I appreciated having him here. An entire eight-hour shift probably would have driven me crazy, but he made it fun.

“You’re just fucking with me. I bet I could handle it better than you do.”

His smile widened and he took a step back, fiddling with the back-stock product on a cart. “I have no doubt you’d be able to operate that equipment, Sophie.” He paused and looked down the other side of the backroom, and then to me. “But you’re not eighteen.” He shifted, angling himself away. “Want to go throw some milk?”