Little Battles (5 page)

“I’ll be over around four, okay?” I just nodded, happy that she was speaking to me. “Don’t forget your Gummy Worms, Elliott,” she said with a smile as she stood. “I’ll see you, okay?”

I nodded again and watched her leave the room before standing up and finding my way to the administrative office to see Ms. Rice.

At home I checked out my side and torso, grimacing when I saw the bruising Chris’s shoulder and fist had caused. Graduation was only a year and a half away. That thought was a relief on one hand, and induced panic on the other. With graduation, I would be rid of Chris, but I would be forced into the new and unknown environment of college, so I switched my thoughts to Sophie.

When she arrived at my house at a quarter after four, she smelled of pot and I knew that the reason she didn’t want David taking her to drop off her application was because she wouldn’t have been able to get high.

I wondered if she always got high, or if it was just because of me.

She wasn’t inside more than thirty seconds before Jane grabbed her hand and literally dragged her over to the Wii, practically forcing her to bowl and then drive circuit after circuit on Mario Kart.

She was about as good at it as I was. Everyone told her as much and even Rebecca laughed when Sophie’s avatar fell off the side yet again. She was still on her first lap when the others had finished the race.

She tossed the wheel to the side. “I’m done.”

I was afraid that meant that she wanted to go home, but I was relieved when she stood up and took my hand, pulling me up as well.

When we were out of the game room, Sophie continued to hold onto my hand, but just barely. Her small finger was hooked around my index finger, but she broke our connection when we were in the kitchen. “Do you want me to cook you guys something?”

“S-Stephen will be h-home ssssoon.”

“That’s not what I asked,” she said, not really sounding annoyed like she had when I’d responded to her about the coffee. “I can cook him something too.”

“Robin w-will be here, t-too.”

Sophie sighed, but shrugged. “I get it; the
whole
family. I can still cook you guys dinner.”

“You d-don’t have t-to, S-Sophie.”

“You don’t want me to?”

“N-no, I mean, y-yes.” I sucked in a breath, worrying about how badly this all was coming out. “I-I-I mmmmean, if y-you w-w-w-w…”

She reached out and covered my hand. “Elliott, please relax. I just asked about dinner, okay? Nothing major. I know that I don’t have to, but I don’t want you to eat anymore bad take-out.”

I couldn’t help but smile and grip her fingers tighter. She was so beautiful. “W-w-we bought Brussels ssssprouts.”

She beamed.

“It’s official. Sophie’s my new favorite person!” David declared loudly.

I looked at Becca, knowing that she’d react to his exclamation.

I was right.

She raised an eyebrow and then her face settled into a frown. “Well, I hope that Sophie likes six-foot-five eight-year-olds because she can have you then.”

“Aw, Becca, I was just joking. You know that you’ll always be my ultimate favorite person. This food is just
really
good.”

She wouldn’t look at him.

Sophie’s eyes were focused on her plate, but she said to David, “It’s just chicken and noodles. Don’t go breaking up with your girlfriend over it. You can buy this shit in the frozen section, and it’s probably better than this.”

Jane gasped quietly, her eyes bugging out.

“What?” Sophie asked.

“We don’t cuss at the table, Sophie.”

Glancing around, Sophie didn’t apologize, instead asking, “Why? They’re just words and it’s a table. I don’t think it minds.”

Robin cleared her throat while Stephen smiled and said, “You must enjoy cooking, Sophie.” I immediately tensed up for her.

I thought she might’ve gotten upset or angry like she did when I had asked her, but to my surprise, she kept her head down and replied, “It’s easy and people seem to like it.”

“I’m impressed that a teenager can appreciate Brussels sprouts, and the squash you incorporated into the last meal.”

I glanced over at Robin. She was studying Sophie, and I hoped against all hope that she wouldn’t be clinical tonight. It was bad enough that I’d had to share her all night with everyone. I didn’t want Robin to upset her by spewing shrink questions.

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” Sophie was looking hard at Stephen. “Most vegetables are low in carbs and low on the glycemic index. Plus, they taste good.”

“How is your father?” Robin asked.

“Tom’s fine.”

“It’s a shame he wasn’t able to join us.”

“I didn’t…I mean, he wasn’t invited. I didn’t even know I was coming over until sixth period, and I didn’t decide to make dinner until five-thirty or six.”

“Does he not know that you’re here?”

Sophie sighed and shook her head. “Does he need to?”

“You don’t think he might want to know where his daughter is?”

With a shrug, Sophie said, “Why? He wouldn’t care. He’s at the firehouse all night.”

For a moment Robin just looked at her, but then she looked over at Stephen. “I’ll call him,” he offered.

“Sophie,” Robin began as he stood up, “your father is responsible for you. He needs to know where you are at all times, don’t you think?”

I could see Sophie’s jaw clench. “He hasn’t bothered with that shit for seventeen years, why would he suddenly
need
to know now?” Then she set her fork down and pushed her plate away. Everyone was silent for a moment and it was uncomfortable. She should’ve just said he was at the firehouse to begin with. It would have saved all this from happening.

“S-S-Sophie?” She looked up at me. “D-d-d-do you w-want to—”

“Yes,” she said quickly, standing up.

I followed suit, unsure if she knew that I was asking if she wanted to go to my room. Maybe she thought I was asking if she wanted to go home. Maybe she was tired of being here. Maybe Robin’s questions made her want even less to do with me.

But Sophie headed to the stairs, not the front door, and I relaxed.

“How can you stand being around her all the time?” she asked as I closed my bedroom door.

“Sssshe didn’t m-mean to upset you, S-Sophie.”

“What is she even doing here? She’s not your mom, and she and Stephen…”

“It’s j-just easier b-because D-D-David is d-dating Rebecca, and they w-w-work sssso c-c-closely t-together.”

“Whatever. It’s just weird,” she said with a sigh before sitting down on my couch. I wondered if I should sit by her. Was that acceptable in light of everything that had transpired between us? I wondered if she’d allow it, or if she’d even want me to. I didn’t want to risk it, so I sat down on my bed, scooting to the middle and crossing my legs like she’d suggested last time.

“I e-mailed you last night,” she said quietly.

I looked over at the computer. I should have checked it after school.

“I-I d-didn’t read it yet. I’m sssssorry.”

Sophie smiled and it made me feel calm. “It’s okay. Do you want to do something on Saturday?” My heart leapt! “Maybe just walk around town or something?”

“It’s ssssupposed to sssnow.”

Her face wrinkled up and she looked almost horrified. “W-w-what?” I asked.

“I’ve never really been in snow. I mean, maybe when I was too small to remember. I don’t think I’ll like it. How about you?”

“I-I’m from Ch-Chicago. There’s l-l-lots of ssssnow there.”

“I meant beyond that. Like you said in the e-mail, what do you think of it?”

I shrugged. “I d-don’t really have an opinion on it.”

“Are you aware that you only stuttered once in that sentence?”

I hadn’t been aware, but I wasn’t surprised. I always felt so much more comfortable and confident when it was just the two of us.

I gave her a half-smile. “Y-you make it easier f-for m-me to talk.”

We’d been in my room for nearly an hour before Sophie stood up from the couch and stretched. She was so beautiful. I wondered if she knew that. I mean,
really
knew how beautiful she was. As her back arched and her chest jutted out, I forced myself to look away. The sight of her elongated body was going to end up causing me embarrassment if I let it.

And I wasn’t going to let it.

She glanced at my books, like she always did, her fingers gliding over the spines before turning to look at my instruments. Reaching out, she strummed the first guitar Stephen had given me, and then glanced down at my computer desk.

She picked up the envelopes sitting next to my keyboard. “Julliard. Yale. Princeton. Stanford. Maryland. Georgetown. Colorado. Harvard?” Sophie turned to look at me. “What are all these?”

My body tensed as my heart beat faster. “C-college applications.”

“They look all set to go. We pass right by the post office on the way home. Do you want to take them tonight?”

I shook my head. “N-no.”

Sophie studied me for a moment. “Why not?”

I was sure my face showed my panic, and I shook my head again.

“Does college make you nervous?”

I nodded in response.

Sighing, she set the envelopes down and shrugged. “Maybe I’ll apply where you do and we’ll just go to the same school.”

That would be wonderful. I wondered if she knew how helpful that would be to me. “A-a-are you p-p-planning to go?”

“To college?” I nodded. “I don’t have applications all filled out, sealed, and ready to go a year early like you, but maybe.”

I was sort of shocked. Most people our age already had solid plans, or at least had schools in mind. My applications were completed because I’d been thinking about getting in early instead of completing my senior year of high school. “You d-don’t know?” She shook her head. “I-it’s not ex-expected?”

“Tom hasn’t mentioned it, and Helen never cared about, well, anything to do with me really, but school especially. No, I take that back. She cared enough to convince the teachers that she was a decent mom, but when I turned eighteen she would have been rid of me either way, so she didn’t care about choosing a school or applications and all that.”

“D-do you w-want to go?”

She shrugged. “Maybe.”

I was confused. How could she not know if she wanted to go to college or not? “B-but you’re ssssso sssmart. W-why w-wouldn’t you?”

Her eyes darkened a bit. “Why do you have finished applications just sitting around in your room?”

I knew her question was asked out of defensiveness, and I didn’t answer.

“There’s no real point for me to go, Elliott.”

“W-why not?”

She sighed. “I’ll most likely be dead or something.” The smile she gave me wasn’t real.

Fear struck me when I fully realized she wasn’t joking. Graduation wasn’t that far off; did she really think that she’d be dead by then? Was she actively seeking it? “SSSSSSSS-SSSSSSooooo,” I couldn’t even say her name without elongating the S and O, so I gave up. I needed to focus on something to keep the fear from escalating into panic.

“Come on,” she said as she grabbed the envelopes. “Let’s put these in the mail. I have to get home.”

“S-S-SSSophie d-d-don’t. N-n-not y-yet.”

She paused as she opened the drop shoot of the mailbox.

“I’m guessing that since these don’t have to be completed till next year, you have a chance for early admission, right? I think you should take it.”

“B-b-but, I…”

“Elliott,” she said, her voice calm, “while I don’t know what’s happening with me, we both know you’re gonna go to college, and that it’s going to be great. The only way to get there is to be accepted, and the only way to get accepted is to apply.”

My hands clenched and I pressed my fists into the top of my thighs. She was about to drop the envelopes into the mailbox and then the applications would be out of my hands and into other people’s. “S-S-S-SSSSS…”

“Elliott,” she said again as she withdrew her hand, still holding the envelopes. “They’re pieces of paper, and it’s
just
college.”

But it wasn’t
just
college. It was new places, new things, and new people. It was the fear of not being good enough, the fear of people not understanding, the fear of rejection, and the fear of never being anything more than the stupid stuttering guy in class. Some degrees required a foreign language. There was no way that I could escape two years of Spanish or Russian or German without having to speak in front of people.

“I-I c-c-c-can’t…I-I d-d-don’t w-w-w-w…” I was getting anxious and nervous. I didn’t want to have a panic attack over college applications while she watched.

Her eyes softened and she sighed, moving away from the mailbox as she licked her lips and stopped next to me. She put the envelopes in my hand before reaching up and stroking the side of my head, then tugging at my hair.

“Just put them in the box, Elliott. Then you don’t have to worry about it anymore. It’ll be done.”

I gripped the envelopes tightly and closed my eyes, concentrating on the feel of her hand in my hair.

“What was it Churchill said? ‘If you’re going through hell, keep going’? The only way out is to keep going, and all you have to do is walk to the box, open up the little door, and let those fucking things slide out of your hands. It’ll be okay and you won’t have to think about it anymore.”

Logically, I knew she was right and that it was ridiculous to be frozen to the spot outside the Damascus Post Office. But I couldn’t help it. I wished it was easier for me to do this. I wished that I was like every other teenager and only put it off because I was lazy. Oh, how I wished that was the case instead of being frozen in panic and fear.

The thought of her applying with me calmed me a little, but I had no way of knowing if she truly would, and even if she did, it didn’t mean that she’d be accepted. She wasn’t stupid. I knew she was actually quite smart, because I’d seen the grades on her tests when Reese handed them back, and also based on all of our conversations. But if she
did
apply and even if we
were
accepted into the same school, I had no guarantee that she would go, especially based on what she’d said earlier. She didn’t exactly sound motivated.

“S-S-SSSophie,” I gasped, unprepared for the intensity of the situation. I was sure we looked stupid and if Chris saw us, he’d be extra cruel tomorrow, but I couldn’t get myself to move.

I wanted to put the ridiculous envelopes in that stupid blue box. I wanted to do it because Sophie was there and she wanted me to. My brain yelled at my feet to move, but they wouldn’t. Although I wasn’t gasping for breath like during a regular attack, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to disappoint her, but I wasn’t able to get over the fear and panic that was holding me down.

I had no idea how long we stood there like that until I was finally able to open my eyes, but it was only because Sophie removed her hand from my hair.

“You can mail them tomorrow,” she said, her voice quiet as she gave me the out that I needed.

I let out a deep breath.

“But food for thought,” she said as she moved away from me, and walked over to my car. “You’re way too smart to flip burgers or pour concrete. A job is a job, but those aren’t for you.” She turned her back to me. “There are people everywhere. Not all of them are assholes, but most are. Don’t let the fact that you don’t know them keep you from doing awesome things.”

She opened the car door and I looked down at the letters in my hand and sighed. I felt completely sick to my stomach, my head was swimming, and I was drowning in a sea of emotion, but I sucked in a deep breath and said, “Y-y-you d-d-d-do it.”

I thrust out my hand, gripping the envelopes tight and making them wrinkle.

Sophie turned around. With a half-smile, she said, “I’m not going to walk all the way back over there if you’re not going to let me really do it this time.”

I held my arm out farther. “P-p-please?”

I closed my eyes as she came back toward me. My breathing sped back up as I felt her take the papers from my hand. I nearly choked on my heart when I heard the creaking of the metal door. I had to concentrate really hard on not vomiting.

“There. Now Elliott’s going to college and there’s nothing he can do about it, so there’s absolutely no reason for him to worry.”

I sighed. “W-why are you t-talking about me in the th-third p-person?”

When I opened my eyes, I saw her smiling. “Because I’m
telling
you that you’re not going to worry.”

I swallowed hard as she tugged on my arm, but then released it. “Now that
that’s
over…”

It was a long moment before I could move my feet, but when I did, I found myself no less stressed about the applications than before. However, now the stress was accompanied by sadness over the fact that I would be taking her home, but I finally made myself move.

When I pulled up at the curb, she turned while unbuckling her seatbelt. “Do you feel better about it now?”

I knew she was talking about the applications, and I didn’t want to lie. “N-no.”

“You will. Don’t let that shit bother you so much. You think too much.”

“Sssssorry.”

Sophie chuckled and threw me a smile. “I don’t want an apology. I like that you think too much, but don’t convince yourself that you can’t do something.”

“I-I’m ssssorry.”

“Stop.”

“I-I c-c-c-can’t, S-Sophie. I-I d-don’t w-w-want to…” I stumbled, “…l-let you d-down, b-but I j-just c-c…”

I stopped talking, suddenly aware that Sophie was on her knees in the passenger seat facing me. Her hands were in my hair and I took in a deep breath. She gave me a quick kiss, her lips gently brushing over mine.

It was entirely too short. I wanted more. I reached out to take her hand like she’d done with me, but she pulled away.

“I have to go. Tom’s…” she sucked in a deep breath, “probably…” she trailed off as she opened the door.

“C-c-can I t-t-take you t-t-to school t-tomorrow?”

“Jason’s already planning on picking me up like usual.”

Oh, right. Jason.

I tried to not let it show on my face, but failed. The disappointment had to have been clear.

“But you can pick me up on Monday, if you want.”

Without waiting for my response or looking back at me, Sophie got out of the car and jogged the short distance to the front door.

One thing was for sure: Sophie Young was confusing.