Little Men - The E Book (10 page)

“So the fourth guys says, ‘I think the arsehole sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.’ The other three give it: ‘Really? Why's that?’ ‘Well,’ he says, ‘I was on Concorde, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I shit myself!’”

The more inebriated members of the group laughed hysterically. Sam, who was a few drinks behind the others, managed merely a smile. And he couldn’t get Nikki out of his mind. He decided to pick up the pace of his drinking.

“Have you got any more, Rav? That was a good one.” Ian was keen to get his friend more involved in the conversation.

“Okay, okay, here’s one. This geezer walks into a pub with an ostrich and a cat. He walks to the bar and says: ‘Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.’ They find a table, sit down and drink their drinks.

“Next it was the ostrich’s round. He goes up to the bar and says: ‘Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.’ He takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them.

“Then it was the cat's turn to buy the drinks, but he tells them to fuck off. So the man goes back to the bar and says: ‘Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.’
“But the barman was a bit confused about this and goes ‘I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is that?’ So the bloke says: ‘I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.’
“‘What did you wish for?’ says the barman. ‘I wished for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy!’”

Again, the men at the table laughed raucously.

“That reminds me,” said Ian. “Do you remember all that shit we were talking last week, after the club?” He gestured towards Sam.

“Dunno mate, I just know we were spangled,” Sam replied, grinning.

“You know, about the animals. We were arguing about what is the hardest animal.”

“Oh yeah! I remember. We had a mass debate! Pound-for-pound, which is the hardest animal in a fight situation.” The memory came back to Sam. It was one of those discussions his mates often had after a club. They would all be as high as kites at someone’s flat, usually Sam’s. The party would continue with music, more drugs and alcohol. Then someone would usually start a topic of conversation going and the others would join in. Usually it was something completely ludicrous.

“Yeah, that was a good one!” Sam felt more like joining in now. He really enjoyed the after-hours sessions at his flat. They were sometimes better than the club itself. Usually they would continue well into Sunday morning. They would usually bypass sleep altogether and head straight to the pub as soon as it opened. No wonder Sam regularly felt so horrendous on Monday mornings.

Sometimes they would come home from clubs in the early hours, take more pills, then head to another club. London, and now the UK as a whole, had long catered for this market. There were now plenty of places one could go if he felt like squeezing every last drop out of a weekend.

Sam took the opportunity to relive one of the fun memories of the early hours of the previous Sunday. “Okay, if a tiger took on a shark, who would win?” he said.

Ian and Chris, never ones to keep their opinions to themselves, also enjoyed these debates. “Well, a shark can’t live out of water, can it?” began Ian. “That immediately puts it at a disadvantage. How is it going to attack the tiger, if the tiger is on land?”

“That’s a good point,” said Sam. “But by the same token, how can the tiger attack the shark? Tigers can’t swim, can they?”

“Yeah they can,” argued Ian.

“But they can’t breathe underwater, so they can’t fight underwater. Therefore the Shark can have a go at the tiger while the tiger is trying to stay afloat.” Everyone was smiling now. It was a silly discussion but they were enjoying it.

“The shark is used to living underwater, the same way the tiger is used to living above water,” Sam went on.

“Okay, what if we take living environment out of it,” said Ian.

“Now you’re changing the rules to suit you.”

“What about a crocodile?” Ravi chimed in. “They can live in water and out, and they’re hard as nails. They’d kick the arse of a tiger and a shark, maybe both at the same time!”

“Yeah, but they carry a lot of weight. Have you seen them waddle around? They have to use a crane to move them bastards about,” Ian countered.

“Yeah, you’ve gotta consider weight. We’re talking pound-for-pound. How about a mosquito or a cockroach? They don’t weigh anything but they carry all sorts of diseases that kill you,” Ravi said after giving the matter some thought.

“Hmmmm, he’s got a point,” Ian had to concede.

“Pills and booze don’t half make you chat some bullshit, don’t they?”

“Yeah, why is that?” Sam had often pondered this very question.

“And also, why do pills make people want to dance? Why not do something else like… I dunno, go ice-skating or something?”

“You’ve lost me there, mate,” said Ian.

Sam continued. “Well, you do pills, right? They make you want to get up and dance, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And every pill does it, if it’s a good one, yeah? Well, why don’t they make you want to clean the car or something else sometimes?”

“I see what you mean,” said Ian.

“You could get one that makes you want to do the ironing or clean your room or something; but you don’t, you always want to get up and dance.”

“Yeah, it’s bizarre.”

Sam had clearly opened up another silly topic of conversation that would no doubt be continued at a later date. The thought made him smile. He surreptitiously glanced at his mobile phone. Nothing.

Ian, when drunk, could go one of two ways. He either got over-emotional, which often led him to start hugging and kissing his friends, or he could be obnoxious and aggressive. Tonight, as the booze continued to flow, it seemed to be the latter.

“
You obviously had a lot of time on your hands at university.
”
Ian fixed Sam with a stare across the table, he was almost shouting, only pausing to take sizeable gulps of lager.
“
Didn
’
t you do any work?
”

Here we go
,
thought Sam. He had often got the impression that Ian was jealous of his time at university, as at the time Ian had worked at a string of dead-end jobs. Now Ian was a well-paid salesman and, at the moment, very successful. Occasionally Ian liked to ridicule Sam about how things had turned out. The two men both had strong, forceful personalities, and although they were usually close friends, they could occasionally clash, usually when alcohol was involved. Sam was particularly vulnerable at the moment. Ian knew about his financial difficulties and he could sense from his mood that he had other problems. Ian couldn
’
t resist a little dig, the booze in his bloodstream eroding his self-control.

“
How long is it since you left that place?
”
But Ian knew the answer.

“
About eighteen months.
”
Sam thought this sounded better than
‘
nearly two years
’,
which was closer to the truth.

“
And you
’
re still working in that gym? That was money well-spent!
”

Sam decided it was easier to go along with it than argue.
“
Yeah, I know. But I got out of work for three years, though.
”