Live for Me (15 page)

“You don’t have to hide from the dog,” he said, casually resting his hand on my bare hip. “I’m pretty sure she’s okay with it. Or if you want, we can go upstairs and shut the door.”

Go into his bedroom? Shut and lock the door? I wanted to. I really, really did. But now, lying there awkwardly, I was scared. I had no idea what I was doing. Look at what had just happened. He’d gotten me off and yet was still wearing pants. I’d yet to touch or see his penis. Nervous that I had no clue how to satisfy him, I felt like I should warn him so he’d know what he was getting. Which was me very much willing, but also totally and completely clueless.

I could have said or explained any of that. He probably knew I was a virgin anyway and had adjusted his expectations.

Instead I just blurted out, “I’m a virgin.”

Because that’s what every guy wants to hear when clothes have already come off.

His hand had made inroads into my thighs again, and his thumb was stroking over my sensitive and swollen clitoris, but he froze at my words.

“What?”

“I’m a virgin,” I repeated. “I thought you should know.” Lamest. Sentence. Ever.

I bit my lip, crossing my legs without even realizing I was going to. The movement trapped his hand between my thighs. His Adam’s apple shifted as he swallowed hard.

“I-

Then he shook his head, like he’d changed his mind about whatever he’d intended to say. Extracting his hand he reached for his wine glass on the floor, but it was empty. “I need a drink.” Sitting back, he took a deep breath, like he was steadying himself, then stood and went toward the kitchen, glass in hand. His jeans were resting low on his hips, his feet bare, the muscles of his back flexing as he rolled his neck, like he needed to work out some tension.

I watched him, heart racing. Wow. I had completely and totally screwed that up.

Unable to just lie there mostly naked, I yanked my panties up first, then kicked my jeans completely off, so I could turn them right side in and put them back on. My phone was buzzing again, so I retrieved it from the pocket and checked it. I had five texts. The first two were apologies from Cat. The next asked me to call her. It was the fourth one that made me sit up.

Your grandma is in the hospital. She wants to see you.

The last text had the information of where she was staying. It was on the mainland about twenty minutes from Richfield.

My hand was shaking as I answered Cat.

What happened?

I don’t know. But the neighbors called me looking for you.

Ok, thanks.

Let me know if you need me to do anything.

Dropping my phone for a second, I fixed my bra and pulled my sweater back on.

Devin came back into the room, sipping from the glass in his right hand, the whole bottle in his left. It seemed it was a Merlot moment. He eyed my movements as I slipped my feet into the legs of my jeans.

“Are we done?”

It sounded rude. It was rude. I lifted my butt up and yanked them the rest of the way. “That was my impression since you left the room.”

“I was thirsty.”

“You were horrified,” I shot back.

“I was caught off guard. You could have shared that little piece of information sooner.”

“When is a good time to tell someone that?” I asked, annoyed. So I was a virgin. What the hell did he expect? As he kept pointing out to me, I was an infant. In fact, I actually felt like I might cry. I searched the floor for the shoes I’d kicked off. “When you kissed me? Over dinner last week? Should I have put it on my job application?”

“Don’t be a brat, it doesn’t suit you.” he said. “I went in the kitchen to absorb what you just told me. Don’t act like I hired you thinking I could nail you. I wasn’t even here.”

“You’re right.” I stood up, shoes on and went for my coat. “You were in the city fucking Amazing Abs Brooke. I’m sorry if it unnerves you that I haven’t been fucking someone too.” It felt nasty and mean to be swearing at him, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was worried about my grandmother, and I was pissed at him for abandoning me in the midst of my confession. It was hard for me to share what was going on inside, and I had needed his reassurance, not his horror.

I’d already shared so much of myself with him that maybe giving everything was more frightening that I expected. Maybe I was terrified of rejection and this felt pretty damn close to rejection.

He paused in the middle of tossing back the rest of the liquid in his glass. “I expect better from you than crazy.”

The words shamed me. He was right. I was being childish. “If I knew what I was doing, I wouldn’t be a virgin. And how could you not know anyway? It seems implied to me.”

Devin sighed. He put the bottle down on the end table. “I didn’t even think about it one way or the other. It’s been a long time since I encountered a virgin.”

Well. “So I’m a dying breed?”

“You’re young,” he shot back. “A fact I’m both keenly aware of and repeatedly try to ignore. But I’m glad you told me. We can slow it down. I don’t want to do something you’ll regret.” Then he gave me a rueful smile. “I don’t want to do something I’ll regret. Maybe this isn’t the right thing for us, right now. Maybe we need to retreat a bit.”

He didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I didn’t think. But it felt like a second rejection and I felt like an idiot. I couldn’t look at him knowing he’d seen me naked, knowing the sounds I had made, the places his tongue had been.

“I need to go. My grandmother is in the hospital.”

“What?” He looked at me blankly.

“My grandmother is in the hospital. Cat just texted me. I need to go see her.”

“Why? She hasn’t spoken to you in what, three months?”

“She asked to see me,” I said simply.

“So? She treated you like shit, Tiffany. You don’t owe her anything.”

I knew that. But he couldn’t understand and I didn’t expect him to understand. His family had been loving, supportive, and he took that for granted. A part of me would always crave my grandmother’s affection, approval. Need wasn’t the same as love, but that she thought of me when she was ill mattered. Besides, if I turned my back on her, if I said screw it, and gave in to anger, detachment, than how was I any better than her? I wanted to be a good person, compassionate, regardless of what was said or done to me. That was the standard I held for myself, the way I’d managed to survive all those years. I wouldn’t give in to hatred.

“I know I don’t owe her anything. But she’s the only family I have. If she wants to see me, I need to go.”

Devin studied me for a second, than shook his head. “All right. Do what you need to do. Where is she? I’ll drive you there.”

“Thank you.” There was a pit in my stomach as he put his shirt on, then sat on the couch and pulled his socks over his feet.

I was worried about my grandmother. How would I feel if she died? What if I couldn’t see her first? I pictured her face, the frown she always gave me. It didn’t seem possible that someone so filled with negative emotion would ever find peace, yet I wanted that for her. I hoped this was just a scare that would show her she needed to appreciate her life. That it would allow her to live better.

For the first time since Devin had gotten back to Richfield I felt uncomfortable around him. His movements were purposeful, arrogant. He didn’t comfort me. He didn’t reach for me. He didn’t hold me and stroke my hair and tell me everything would be okay. The tenderness he’d shown briefly had evaporated with my pronouncement and I knew him well enough to know what he was thinking- he didn’t want to deal with a virgin. He knew it would mean too much to me. He knew I would attach.

So he was detaching.

I couldn’t blame him. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

All the reasons he had hesitated, all the weeks he’d been fighting his feelings, and now his fears were realized. I was too young.

The house felt quiet, empty, as he grabbed his coat and took one last sip of his wine. He wasn’t speaking. I wasn’t speaking.

Bending over, I retrieved the Tiffany keychain with the car keys jingling on it and held it tightly before putting it inside my coat pocket and zipping it shut. He’d been so happy to give me a present and I felt that somehow I’d ruined it.

His phone rang. He answered it without apologizing to me like he usually did. “Hello?”

I followed behind him, giving Amelia a rub on the head as we went past her into the garage. The garage was heated, but I still shivered. A storm was definitely brewing. When Devin opened the garage door a wicked wind rushed in.

“Plans have changed,” he said to whoever it was. “I’ll keep you posted. Thanks.”

He tucked his phone back away in his pocket. He opened the car door for me. I got in. He shut it.

Then we pulled out of the garage and away from Richfield.

I saw the Christmas tree lit up in front of the family room window and I suddenly wondered if I was ever coming back.

Grandma looked like hell. She had lost weight and she lay against the hospital bed pale and vapid. Even when her eyes opened and focused on me, there was no spark, no recognition.

My throat closed up and I moved carefully towards her, reaching out to touch her hand. “Hi, Grandma.”

She pulled her hand out of my reach and gave me a petulant look. Oddly, it was reassuring. “What are you doing here?”

“Cat said you wanted to see me.”

For a second, she didn’t respond, her eyes closed. Then she said, “I need you to go clean the house. They say I’m going to be here for a spell.”

Sure, Cinderella could sweep the fireplace. I didn’t have it in me to argue with her. The doctors had told me it was unlikely she’d be coming home. She had stage four lung cancer and it was a miracle she was even speaking given the amount of pain killers they had her on. “Okay. Of course.”

“So where have you been?” she asked. “Is it true you’re some rich guy’s mistress? That’s what everyone is saying.”

My eyes widened and I felt my cheeks burn. It had never occurred to me that anyone in Vinalhaven would talk about Devin and me. Maybe going to the coffee shop had started gossip. “I am not a rich guy’s mistress. I’m a housesitter.”

“Who brought you here?”

So she was determined to shame me. I raised my chin. I wasn’t going to feel guilty. Devin and I had a
relationship
. “The owner.”

She snorted. “Of course. If you haven’t spread your legs yet you will soon enough. Just like your mother.”

Despite the fact that I could still feel moisture between my legs from the arousal Devin had stoked to life an hour earlier, I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of feeling dirty. My feelings for him were real. “Whatever issue you had with my mother, I think it’s time for you to leave me out of it.”

“I lied to your father, you know,” she said suddenly, raising her hand to adjust the tubing in her nose, her breathing labored. “When he came looking for you.”

That made me grip the bedrail tightly, my shoulders stiffening. “What are you talking about?”

“He came when you were eight, and in foster care. I guess he’d run into an old friend who told him your mother had a baby. He never knew you existed.” She gave a weak cough. “I told him you died in a car accident. Even sent him to the cemetery where your mother is.” She glared at me in defiance, breathing labored. “Go ahead. Tell me I’m evil. But he had no business being part of your life.”

I was having trouble breathing myself. My father wanted to see me? He had looked for me? It was the best news I could have ever hoped for. Yet I couldn’t understand how my grandmother could be so cruel as to keep him from me. Me from him. He must have suffered thinking he’d had and lost a child and never once laid eyes on me. Tears filled my eyes. So much hatred for no reason that I could see.

I didn’t want to perpetuate that kind of anger.

“It’s in the past,” I said. “I forgive you.”

“I’m not asking for your forgiveness.” Then she started wheezing so hard, it scared me. It sounded like she couldn’t pull any air into her lungs.

I pushed the nurse call button, who appeared and shooed me out of the room.

In the hallway, I wandered down to the waiting area, where Devin was sitting on a hard plastic chair, looking at his phone. He glanced up. “Hey. She doing okay?”

“No. She’s only got a few weeks at the most.” I wasn’t sure how to tell him what I had to say. “Cat is meeting me here. I’m going to go home for a few days to clean up my grandmother’s house.” She was going to die. Not even spite could keep her alive. I felt numb, but I also knew I wanted to go back to that house, the site of so much misery and boredom. The walls of my emotional confinement. I needed closure. I wanted to move on.

“Are you kidding me? Why would you do that?”

“Because I need to.”

Tossing his hair out of his eyes he opened his mouth, then closed it again. I appreciated the restraint. Devin stood up and finally, he gave me the hug I needed. His arms enclosed me and I leaned against his chest, closing my eyes, breathing in his cologne.

“Can I do anything? Do you need help? I can come with you.”

The thought of Devin at my grandmother’s was horrifying and comical. In fact, the image of him standing in her cluttered and tired living room was a slap in the face. He didn’t belong in my world. I didn’t belong in his.

“No, that’s okay, but thank you.” I looked up at him, studying his jawline, his lips, his strong nose. His dark and expressive eyes. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

Devin had made me feel desirable. He’d made me feel that somewhere, there was a place for me in the world. A home. That I had words, thoughts, love, to contribute.

He frowned, his hands tightening on my back. “Why does that sound like goodbye? You’re coming back aren’t you?”

I nodded. I would, because I had nowhere else to go. But I wasn’t sure that I could stay.

He shook me a little. “Promise me. We have unfinished business.”

Whatever that meant. But I couldn’t say no to him. “I promise. I’ll be back. I’ll keep in touch.”

But I didn’t, not really. Because on Christmas day my grandmother died in the hospital while I held her hand. Her labored breathing ceased and the machines pumping who knew what into her all flatlined, a horrible continuous chirp coming from one of them. I could smell death in the room and it filled my nostrils, made me swallow over and over. One minute there was life, a straining, rotting, struggle for existence, the next it was gone. The room was empty.