Living Backwards (24 page)

“If your dad was watching, I’m pretty sure I’d be dead already after that,” he replied in a breathy voice.

“Let’s not test the theory, okay?” I forced a smile as I stepped out of the car. Danielle’s words were on autoplay in my head.

I’m so glad he’s doing well.

I’m so glad he’s doing well.

I’m so glad he’s doing well.

I wouldn’t let him be my Amy Smart and the mere thought of being the Ashton Kutcher in any situation was revolting.

I waved back at the car as I opened the door and my heart broke. I could see him so clearly, ducking his head so that he could watch me through the passenger side window. His smile was warm and genuine, but not mine anymore.

My eyes were stinging by the time I closed the door. I didn’t know how I was going to pull this off. It would involve stretching the truth…a lot. I stepped into the kitchen and saw my mom staring curiously at the cabinets.

“You know that staring at them will not make the food magically appear on the table, right?” I asked tentatively.

“Jillian! Baby, how was the prom?” she squealed. “Luke is so handsome!”

“It was good, mom. What’re you doing?”

“I’m just pulling a few things together for you to bring to school. You’ll need something to eat your Ramen noodles on,” she teased.

“God, I hate Ramen.”

“Give it a month. Tastes great at midnight,” she replied. I wouldn’t call it great, but I had been known to snack on it when I was too lazy to head out for a quick bite. It was actually a college dorm pre-requisite.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Have you seen my admission packet around here by any chance? I think dad had it to fill out the financial aid forms,” I asked. The knot in my stomach grew tighter as I envisioned the impending phone call.

“I think he left it on the coffee table,” she replied pulling a hot plate from one of the cabinets. That was going in the trash immediately. I started a small fire in our room the first week on campus. Megan almost evicted me.

Scanning the living room, I found the packet lying on the table as she had said, waiting for me to either do the right thing or screw everything up royally. I pulled out the handbook, flipping to the directory, and grabbed the phone. I had survived my first day of school conversation with Mrs. Jankowski, I was sure I could handle this. I was, after all, a time travel pro now.

“Student Life,” the chipper voice answered.

“Hello, my name is Jillian Cross.”

“Hello, Jillian. I’m Helena. How can I help you?”

“Well, I’m currently enrolled in Professor Monroe’s Summer Writing Workshop, so I’m scheduled to move into the dorms on June 12
^th
, but I was wondering if it was too late to apply for earlier Summer Housing.”

“The deadline to apply for Session I housing was in April,” she explained, “but you’re already registered because your workshop starts before the second session begins.”

“So what does that mean?” She laughed at my apparent confusion.

“It means you can move in when the students enrolled for Session I move in. Those classes begin a week from Monday.”

“Darn. I was really hoping to be able to move sooner,” I explained, my voice quivering as I spoke.

“Well, the freshman volunteering to help with Orientation Weekend are moving in this weekend. Normally we’re begging freshman to get involved. Interested?”

Volunteering at orientation? I’d rather gouge my eyes out than play the Name Game with a bunch of strangers while they grill me on where the cool bars are. I could teach them the proper way to shotgun a beer, but I didn’t think that was what they had in mind. I needed to get out of Reynolds, though, and it was the only way.

“Should I put you on the list for move-in day?” she asked.

I took a deep breath. There’d be no turning back.

“Yes,” I replied. “I’ll be there. I’d love to help out.”

Later that night after convincing my parents that volunteering for Freshman Orientation would hone my social skills, I sat down on my bed and called Danielle.

“Hey, Danielle.”

“You mean Your Highness,” she corrected.

“And
you’re
high if you think I’m going to say that,” I replied. She was not making this easy. “Listen, I talked to Student Life last night,” I began.

“Oh, I already called and made sure we were in the same room,” she interrupted. “You could have saved yourself the trouble.”

“Oh…right…well, I just wanted to make sure all our ducks were in a row,” I improvised. “And funny thing, when I was chatting with the girl on the phone, she mentioned that they were looking for some freshman to help out with orientation. So I kind of signed up.”

“Wow, way to be a team player,” she replied sounding surprised. “Didn’t expect that one.”

“So, I’m going to be leaving a little earlier than planned.”

“When? On the 10th?” she asked.

“Not quite. Right after graduation,” I confessed.

“What? Right after? Like that night?” she exclaimed.

“The next morning. I can get a flight out there at nine.”

“And you just decided this today?” she asked suspiciously.

“Well, I was thinking that I’d try to live dangerously now that I’m college-bound,” I replied forcing a nervous laugh.

“I wish I could go with you, but my mom would kill me. She has all of these day trips planned for us before I leave.”

“I would never ask you to change your plans for me, but I wanted you to know. I’m going to give Meg a call in a bit.”

“I’ll fly out a few days early so you won’t be alone for very long,” she offered. I should have known. I was expecting a lecture on how I was going to miss all of the post graduation parties, but Danielle being Danielle knew just what I needed to hear.

“I appreciate it,” I began, “but like I said, don’t switch too much for me. It’s my choice to go early.”

“Oh, I’m going to miss you, Jillian! There’ll be so much going on after graduation. I wish you could stick around a little longer, but I understand. At any rate, there is so much fun to be had in NYC.”

“Danielle, don’t call it that. We’re trying to blend.”

“See! That’s what I’m going to miss when Val attempts the ice luge at Tyler’s party. I know you’d have just the perfect comment,” she added wistfully.

“Yeah, I suggest taking a blow torch to any area that comes in contact with her mouth,” I replied.

“There you go!” she cheered.

“One more thing,” I added. “I’m not going to tell many people I’m leaving. Then I’ll just be stuck saying all my goodbyes tomorrow, and I just want to enjoy the day. Would you mind keeping it between us?”

“Oh. Sure,” she replied, sounding confused by my request. “I can tell Josh, though, right?”

“That’s fine,” I replied. “I just don’t want to focus on it. It’s going to be hard enough.”

“You have my word,” she added.

After clearing my wardrobe with Danielle and hearing about the atrocious outfit she saw Sarah buy at the mall last week, we said our goodbyes, agreeing to discuss the move more tomorrow.

I went to bed afraid to fall asleep and dream about the boy on the bike.

The next morning when I woke up, I lay in my bed remembering how I felt the first time I graduated. I knew there were bigger and better things ahead of me, and I was so happy to put high school behind me. Now, on my second time around, the knot in my stomach had become crippling. I wished I had more time. If I wasn’t enrolled in that summer program, he wouldn’t have made such a rash decision, and I wouldn’t be faced with leaving him. We would have had an opportunity to figure things out over the summer.

For the first time in three weeks, I wished this hadn’t happened. Sure, I was able to bring Nate and Meg together and rid our lives of future Val torture, but in the process I’d spoiled my beautiful, blissful ignorance. How was I supposed to move on knowing what I was missing? Was I expected to go to frat parties, dance on tables and go to laser light shows with burnt-out losers? How could any of them ever compare to Luke?

I stared at the cracks in the ceiling for longer than I should have because when I looked at the clock, I realized I only had an hour to get ready. Pushing my tumultuous emotions aside, I hopped out of bed, glancing like I did everyday at my calendar. The Word of the Day was
ambiguous
.

Ambiguous: having more than one meaning

Kind of a weak Word of the Day, if you ask me.

I put on my shiny, happy sundress and a fabricated smile before heading downstairs leaving Joan on my desk. There really wasn’t anything that could make me feel better and, unfortunately, Joan would have just made me feel worse.

My parents were putting their coats on in the living room when I reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Jillian, sweetie, you look beautiful,” my mom sighed. She wasn’t used to seeing me wear dresses, especially shiny, happy ones. It was already making her weepy.

“We’re real proud of you, Jill,” my father added, resting his hand on my shoulder.

“Thanks, Dad,” I replied. If they didn’t leave soon though, I was going to lose it. “Now, before Mom ruins her makeup, get going. I want you to get good seats so you don’t miss any commencing.”

“Are you sure you don’t need a ride, honey?” my mom asked.

“No, Luke’s coming to get me in a few minutes,” I replied casually.

“Oh, is he?” my father interjected, showing sudden concern.

“It’s not like that, Dad,” I replied.

It’s
so
like that. Well, at least it was.

“Then what is it like, Jillian?”

“Henry, settle down,” my mom interrupted, grabbing him by the shirt sleeve. “He’s giving her a ride to graduation. Hardly a cause for alarm.” She turned to me smiling and placed her hands on my cheeks like she used to when I was small. “We’re proud of you. We love you. Make sure you father’s mace is in your purse. Let’s go, Henry.”

My father followed behind her grudgingly and once they were out the door, I was left by myself to wait for Luke’s arrival. I grabbed the navy blue gown off the hanger in the hallway closet and slipped it on. My eyes began to sting again just as I heard a rumble outside. I closed my eyes, willing myself to keep it together and grabbed the cap from the coffee table.

I opened the door just as he was about to ring the bell, startling him in the process. He had his gown on as well. It wasn’t zippered so I could see his clothes underneath. He was wearing a tie and he looked really, really good. It was so unfair.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” I said nervously.

“You look beautiful,” he replied softly, grasping my hand and drawing me towards him. I indulged myself yesterday, but I couldn’t let it happen again today. When he leaned in to kiss me, I backed away.

“Settle down, big guy,” I began, aiming for a light-hearted tone and failing miserably. “I don’t want to walk into an event where there are hundreds of cameras with swollen lips. That just screams high school hussy.”

“I don’t know,” he replied, wrapping his arms around my waist and holding me tighter. “I think I like that idea a lot. That’s a graduation picture I’d definitely want copies of.”

“Come on, you pervert. Let’s go,” I replied, wiggling out of his grasp.

It was then that I realized the Lexus was parked out front and not his bike.

“I thought we were going to graduation on your bike?”

“As much as I want you on the back of my bike, I don’t think this is the appropriate attire,” he mused darkly, motioning to my dress. “Plus Grace pretty much vetoed the idea.” Truth be told, I was honestly relieved he brought the Lexus. It would be much easier to ride in a car with him today instead of pressed up against him as we straddled a motorcycle. Not to mention that I might as well just show up with swollen lips since my hair would end up looking like I had a pre-grad quickie.

I was so in my own head that the ride to school was very quiet. Luke attempted to engage me in a debate over his music selection and, at any other time I would have gladly argued that Third Eye Blind actually had a few good songs, but not today. I didn’t want to be reminded of our easy banter or our silly barbs. Today wasn’t commencement; it was the end.

I knew that there were speeches and clapping. People cried and laughed. Jokes were made and inspirational prose was recited. I didn’t listen to any of it. When it was time to collect our diplomas, Danielle fluttered across the stage. Megan employed a fierce strut. Nate offered a fist pump, Josh a charming nod. Luke smiled at his aunt and uncle, then locating me in the crowd, winked before returning to his seat. When it was my turn, I walked in a daze to the stage, accepted my diploma and took a seat feeling nothing but pain and remorse.

When it came time to launch our caps into the air to celebrate, I ducked away from the crowd heading toward the bleachers to find my parents. I thought that I had been covert until I felt someone tugging on my sleeve.

Luke.

“I was thinking we could take that ride now. Maybe do something about those lips,” he teased.