Living Courageously: You Can Face Anything, Just Do It Afraid (19 page)

There are many ways to develop better relationships. Listening is one of the ways. Being honest at all times and keeping our word and commitments are two others. Intimate relationships are built on trust. Clear communication is also vital. Go the extra mile to
communicate, and if you cannot keep a commitment, explain why you cannot instead of merely ignoring it. Always be quick to say, “I’m sorry,” if and when you hurt or disappoint someone. Keep people’s secrets. When a spouse, relative, or friend does share an intimate detail of their life with you, be sure that you keep the information private between you and them. If they want someone else to know, it is their place to share it and not yours. Generally speaking, if we treat others the way we want to be treated, we are well on our way to developing great relationships.

Real intimacy is a lot more than sex. Sex may represent physical intimacy, but if that is all there is, then it is shallow to say the least. True intimacy between a husband and wife must be shared on all levels, not merely in the bedroom. Couples need to talk openly and be equally understood by each other. It always creates difficulty in marriages when one person deeply desires this and the other one either doesn’t want it or doesn’t know how to develop it.

Personality comes into play when we are trying to develop intimacy. I am naturally more of a talker than my husband is, so I share more readily than he does. I always want him to talk those things out that I am going through and have him “understand,” and he prefers to get through his difficulties privately and then perhaps tell me after they are over. We would all like for everyone to be like we are, but they are not and we must accept that. True closeness can only be experienced when we respect one another’s differences.

If I am going through something and Dave can tell I am not acting as I normally would, he is fine if I want to share and fine if I don’t. He respects my private space and I respect his. Intimacy does not mean that we pry into every area of someone else’s life.

It is not God’s will that we live in any kind of fear. Remember, God does not give us a spirit of fear (see 2 Timothy 1:7). I urge you to trust God’s Word and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He deeply desires an intimate relationship with you and wants you to enjoy intimate relationships with others. God cares about everything that ever has concerned, does concern, or will concern you. He wants to be involved in every area of your life. God’s will is for us to have healthy, nurturing, and satisfying relationships with other people. We should work with God to develop these relationships with family and friends. Some people by natural temperament need more people in their lives than others do, but we all need
someone
. No person is intended to live disconnected from others. I cannot promise you that you will never get hurt in relationships; as a matter of fact, I can promise you that you probably will, but the reward is worth the risk in the end. As we go through things together in relationships it brings us closer to one another, so don’t give up and live an isolated, lonely life filled with the fear of intimacy.

God knows everything there is to know about each of us, and He loves us anyway. I want relationships with people like that, and I am sure you do too. I believe there are what I call “divine connections” for us all. They are relationships that God provides that will be deeply satisfying for us. Continue trusting God to lead you in developing intimate, healthy relationships; it is not His will that you live an isolated and lonely life due to fear.

According to many verses in Scripture, a reverential fear of God can be passed on to our children—and that is a good thing. They can learn from us the value of having a right relationship with God through faith. The life we live in front of our children has a dynamic effect on them; therefore, we surely want to be careful what we are passing on to them. If we can influence them with our faith and reverential fear, awe, and respect for God, I have to believe that we can also influence them with fears that are instigated by the devil.

A famous child psychiatrist by the name of Fritz Redl was known to instruct groups of parents by saying, “Get out your paper and pencils. I am going to tell you the three most important things you will ever need to know about raising children.” With pencils in hand, the parents would wait breathlessly, ready for the words of wisdom from this renowned instructor. Then he would say, “Example, example, example.”
¹

The example that a parent sets is perhaps the most powerful
tool in raising children. And we need to keep that in mind when dealing with fear. Let’s say a mother is fearful of being in large crowds, and for that reason, she hardly ever goes into a crowded place with her children. She even voices her fear of crowds repeatedly, and of course her children hear her quite often. There is a good possibility that her children will grow up being afraid of venturing into the new experience of being in a crowded place. Had they started early in life being in crowded places, they could have adjusted well to these conditions, but with the influence of their mother’s fears, it may be difficult for them to adjust to the stress of the experience.

It is wise to let our children experience all kinds of different things. If they are introduced to them wisely, in a timely manner, then they will adapt to them and feel quite comfortable.

I am getting a new Maltese puppy soon. The breed is very small, and in my reading I learned that if the puppy is properly introduced to larger dogs, it will play well with them and have no fear. However, a friend of mine just took her one-year-old Maltese to a two-week boot camp for dogs needing to be trained in obedience. They learned within the first two days that, according to the trainer, she was “socially rude” and needed a special collar for her training. The puppy didn’t know how to react to other animals simply because she had never been around them. She barked constantly as a method of self-protection.

I am sure that in our own human way we also “bark” when we are afraid of things. We go into self-protection overdrive, and our children see our responses and assume they should respond the same way we do to situations.

A woman noticed her daughter watching television and biting her nails. When she asked the child why she was biting her nails, she said, “Because you do, Mom.” How much do our children
learn from us, without us saying a word? Probably more than we want to recognize. Our example to those around us, especially to our children, is actually quite amazing. We can begin to take on the traits of others and not even be aware that we are doing it. This is a benefit if those traits and behaviors are good, but it is not if they are bad.

I believe what our children see us do consistently has a greater impact on them than our words do. Take for example a mom or dad who tells their children not to lie, but then they lie on a regular basis. If I tell my child to answer the phone and tell the caller I am not at home, when I clearly am at home, then I am teaching my child that dishonesty is acceptable behavior. I could even punish my child when they lie, but my example will be the thing that sticks in their mind the most. When we tell our children one thing and they see us doing the opposite of what we have instructed them to do, it is quite confusing to them and causes them not to respect us.

If we want our children to be brave and unhindered by fear, then we must be committed to setting—and maintaining—a proper example for them. The apostle Paul encouraged Timothy to “be an example (pattern) for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12). Our lives should be a “pattern” for other believers, but we must start by being a pattern for our own children. We should teach them not to do things that are too dangerous or age-inappropriate for them, yet at the same time teach them to live courageously. This can be done through words and setting an example.

One of our grandsons seemed to be fearful of quite a few
things: water, flying, trying new things, and my dog, just to name a few. My son did a great job of helping him face those fears and get over them. He taught him about fear and bravery, and anytime the boy did seem afraid, he told him to say, “I am not afraid; I am brave.” He would also do the thing the boy was afraid of and say, “See? Daddy is doing it and nothing bad is happening.” This process had to be repeated hundreds of times, if not more, but it did work. My grandson now asks to come and see my dog, goes swimming any chance he gets, is no longer afraid of airplanes, and is getting ready to be on a soccer team—a totally
new
thing for him.

Had my son only told him not to be afraid, I doubt that it would have done much good. But his patient persistence and good example was successful. If you want your children to be brave, you will need to make a commitment to teach them by word and example. I don’t recommend forcing your children to do things they are afraid of, but you can lovingly work with them, and of course pray for them. Then you will see fear bow its knee to bravery.

If you happen to have a lot of fears yourself, you may think that it is impossible to teach your children to be brave, but the truth is that your love for them and desire to see them live free from fear may help you confront your own fears.

One mother said that she suffered so much from fear and anxiety in her life, she could not stand the thought of passing it on to her two daughters. She determined that she would do things that she was afraid of in order to be a good example to them. Love is
a stronger motivator than fear! God’s perfect love casts fear out of us (see 1 John 4:18), and our love for our children can prevent us from passing our fears on to them.

Your love for your children can force you out of your comfort zone. It can lead you to drive on the highway even though you might have to squeeze the steering wheel so hard your knuckles turn white. Try new things, and explain to your children that you’re going to try even if you fail. By doing this you can help them not fear failure themselves. You can try new food even if you would rather not, get in the swimming pool even if you spend all your time in the shallow end, and do many other things that you ordinarily would not do. You can nurture bravery in your children’s lives!

I urge you to be careful about fearful speech. We can fill our children with fear if our conversation is filled with fear. Even if the parent isn’t speaking directly to the child, children are affected by what they hear. Here are some examples of things parents might say that could instill fear in their children without them intending for it to happen.

Even saying that you dread things can hinder your children from facing all things with a brave and courageous attitude. We don’t have to dread anything, especially simple things like cleaning the house, mowing the grass, or going to the grocery store. We can face life with a passionate courage that seeps into everything we do. The more consistent your example is to your children, the more effective it will be.

There are some things that our children should be taught to be cautious of, but only things that will definitely hurt them. Things like touching a hot stove, walking into oncoming traffic, or jumping off a cliff are good examples. Of course we need to teach caution, but we don’t want to breed fear in them.

The privilege and responsibility of parenting are both tremendous. Let us not focus on the privilege and joys without focusing also on the responsibility. One of the greatest responsibilities we have is to consistently set a good, godly example for our children. Far too many parents tell their children what to do, but fail to do it themselves. It is next to useless to teach your children what they should do, and then show them the opposite of what
you have taught with words. Children are very intuitive, and they realize and absorb more than what we might think. So I highly recommend making a commitment to parenting by example. Jesus said that He came to set an example for us so we would do what He did (see John 13:15). What if God’s Word taught us to be brave, but we saw example after example in Scripture of Jesus being fearful? I think you get the point I am attempting to make.

We can easily teach our children honesty, integrity, kindness, generosity, bravery, and a multitude of other good character traits by simply making a commitment to be a good example to them. Let’s be willing to take a serious look at our behavior and ask ourselves if we want our children to do what we are doing. If so, then let’s keep doing it, and if not, then let’s change it with God’s help. Even if making the change is difficult, let’s do it because we love them.