Living the Significant Life (4 page)

We’ve all been in Justin’s situation at one time or another, haven’t we? We’ve wanted something so much we could almost taste it, yet we had to slay a few dragons to attain it. As any knight worth his armor will tell you, it’s a lot easier to slay dragons when what’s waiting on the other side of the forest is something you desire with all your heart, something that speaks to your true purpose. Justin’s story focuses on some of the major themes of this chapter—really wanting something, and genuine listening. Don’t disregard the other main theme of building rapport. Throughout this book, we illustrate certain themes and not others simply because of time and text constraints.

Let’s talk about that next.

PRINCIPLE #2

Find Your Purpose

Great minds have purposes; others have wishes.

—Washington Irving

I
need
a reason!” The reason we are doing something—anything—is of utmost importance. If the reasons are clear, the rest will make itself known. People who know
why
they are doing something inevitably outperform people who know
how
; people who know how usually work for people who know why. As King Solomon wrote, “Without a vision, we perish.”

The people we are and everything we do are inspired by our purpose and values.

Take a look at any trouble in the world: rival factions in a warring country, rivalry between corporate competitors, or an argument between a husband and wife who are not getting along. You’ll find that the parties involved do not recognize or honor the other’s values or encourage each other to express their life purpose.

Let’s start with values first, because they are the seed from which purpose grows.

Values Are the Heart of the Matter

Your values are what make you tick. Your values are the seat and source of your desires. Yet most people don’t really think about their values or the values of others, even when they’re considering what it takes to be happy and fulfilled.

Whenever we’re speaking to someone about the possibility of coming into business with us, the first thing we do is to discover what his or her values are. In fact, we base our relationships with people on their values and how they relate to us and to ours.

Our values are the wellspring from which comes all that we want in life, everything we seek or search for. Our values are the source of who we think we are. Let’s look at an example of a value.

One of the most powerful values many people share today is
belonging.
People want to be part of what’s going on and what’s happening.

Did you know that there are more than 120 formal twelve-step groups operating in the United States today? People really want to belong, and they often want us to know who they are and what it is they belong to, as well. That’s another value, which some marketers are now calling
egonomics.

Look at the T-shirts, athletic gear, and hats we buy—even if we’ve never shot a basket, run a mile, or sailed. These items have the brand names of the teams plastered all over them. These products do more than just advertise the manufacturer’s name. They are statements of their owners’ values.

Look at the license plates on our cars. Ten or fifteen years ago, they were meaningless combinations of letters and numbers. Today they say things like BOBS AUDI, BMW4MOM, and GOLFPRO.

Do you think a man or a woman wearing a Rolex is expressing his or her values? That’s pretty straightforward, right? Now, look at this: we know a multimillionaire who wears a forty-eight-dollar Timex because it’s an expression of
his
values! He likes people to notice his inexpensive watch—and to know that he could wear anything, no matter how much it costs. One of his values is being different; another is being thrifty.

Values are so intrinsic to who we are that we don’t really choose to have them. It’s almost as though we are showing what values have chosen us. Values are that compelling.

Values motivate us. When we find that our values not being respected by certain people or institutions, we make those people and institutions disappear, like the stranger in Yossarian’s tent in the novel
Catch-22.

We will not keep company with people who do not honor our values. We will not do business with companies that do not respect the expression of our values.

Let us give you a famous example. Have you ever shopped at Nordstrom? Nordstrom is a very successful department store chain, and one reason it is so successful is that it is very big on honoring people’s values. The company plays live piano music in its stores and serves food to shoppers. It bends over backward to have a “the customer is king or queen” image. It is a real and tangible value for each of its current and potential customers.

Nordstrom also has one of the most liberal return policies in all of shoppingdom. One day an elderly woman came in and told a Nordstrom salesman that she wanted to return something that was out in her car. The salesclerk accompanied her to the parking lot and proceeded to unload four tires the woman was dissatisfied with. He promptly wrote up her credit, returned her money, thanked her for her patronage, and expressed the hope that she would return and find her future purchases more satisfactory.

Pretty good service, I’d say: true respect for the customer’s values. There’s just one thing: Nordstrom has never sold tires! We should mention that we don’t know if this story is true. After all, how could the clerk “credit” a payment that was never made or in their system? But we do know this: it is part of Nordstrom lore. And it is repeated from manager to manager, and now even from customer to customer. Nordstrom has become almost synonymous with exemplary service. Here’s the point: Respect my values and you’ve got a friend for life. Ignore them and . . .

What do you suppose is at the heart of the high divorce rate in the United States? What do you suppose would happen to the institution of marriage if all the husbands and wives respected and supported each other’s values? Yet how many spouses truly know with clarity what each other’s values are?

Values are the bottom line. What are
your
values? What qualities do you most admire and most want to experience and express in your life?

In a moment, we’re going to ask you to write down some of your values, but first we want to explain something that might shift the way you see values and help them be more powerfully in your service, if only by making them more specific and more clear for you.

All of our values matter, even the most seemingly superficial ones. However, the real power lies in the values we consider essential.
Essential values
have nothing else inside them; they’re like prime numbers, which can’t be divided any further. You could also call them
source values.
They are really the heart of the matter.

Let’s look at money as an example. Suppose you decide that having money is a value for you. Ask yourself this: “When I have money, what will it bring me?” If you can answer that question with something other than money, then money itself is not an essential value. Look deeper.

You might say that money will bring you a house, a new car, travel, education for your kids, or something else. When you have one of those commodities, what will
that
bring you?

We’re asking you to be a bit more serious and even rigorous about asking these questions. Your answers will probably surprise you—and please you, too.

For instance, if you say you want money so you can have a new house, and then you ask, “If I could have that new house, what would that bring me?” you might answer “security for my family,” “peace of mind,” or “prestige.” Now you’re getting down to essential stuff, the stuff that dreams and happiness are made of. What’s fascinating is that money itself is rarely—perhaps never—a truly essential value. Nobody really wants the Midas touch, but many of us do want freedom, adventure, fun, recognition, appreciation, belonging, independence, creativity, and so forth.

Now make a list of the top five values you have in your life, and keep asking yourself clarifying questions until you have no more answers and have gotten down to the essence of each value.

More often than not, you won’t be able to come up with these values by yourself. You may want to do this exercise with someone else and have him or her ask questions to flush out the essence of your values.

Plato wrote, “The truth is revealed in dialogue.” We believe that the truth is revealed through scripture, prayer, and dialogue. Dialogue is an important element.

Peter’s business has him talking to lots of people about their values. He doesn’t ask right out, “So, Joan, what are your essential values?,” because most people wouldn’t know how to answer that. Instead, he asks about where Joan lives, what she thinks about and feels, and what (if anything) she’d like to be different in her life. He asks about her family, her work, and what she does for fun, including hobbies.

Sometimes, if Peter is feeling particularly close to the person—and decidedly brave in that moment—he’ll ask the most powerful and profound question of all time: “Joan, are you happy?”

Be careful with this one. Some people consider it an intrusion. Others will get so distraught that they will “disappear from view,” even though they’re still sitting right in front of you. It’s not a good question to ask at a party, but if you are sincerely interested in a person, and you really want to know, fast, what’s important to him or her, ask it. Then listen.

Two things will happen. First, you will learn things about people that they probably haven’t shared with anyone else. You will know these people in a way that is actually closer than the way most of their friends and relatives know them.

Second, you’ll probably make some good friends. Here is a story from Richard Brooke, CEO and president of Oxyfresh USA, that illustrates what we mean: