Living With No Regrets (10 page)

Randy was taking Leigh to a spot he’d discovered the day before while out learning to ride.  Seeing the direction they were heading, and the little side glances Russell was sending her way, she knew where they were headed.  It was a place that had been a romantic paradise that Mr. Kennedy had built for Mrs. Kennedy, and then Leigh and Russell had utilized later on.

The area was beautiful.  Green, green grass was covering the land all around and all the way up to the tree line.  The tree line itself looked like it was a fence built to protect the beauty of the oasis beyond.  A triple row of pines that looked as if they’d been manicured, but Leigh knew they had not been.

In Randy’s excitement, he jerked the reins of the brown and white spotted appaloosa, but Misty just turned her head back patiently and waited for a correct lead as to where to go.  Just as Leigh was about to calm her son down and let him retry, Russell spoke to him, proving he’d been paying more attention to them than he’d let on during his son’s ramblings. 

“Hey, bud.  Do you remember what I told you yesterday about how to lead your horse?” he asked with a patient voice and somewhat contented look.

Randy loosened his hold on the reins while he seemed to be thinking.  Leigh grabbed on with one hand, just in case, but trusted Misty not to react.

“I gotta be careful with my horse?”

With a slight nod, Russell confirmed that while adding to it.  “Yes, be careful with any horse you ride, but you must be gentle too.  A horse will be as kind to it’s rider as it’s rider is to it.”

“Oh yeah!” he leaned over to hug Misty’s neck and pat her white mane.  “I’m shorry Misty.  Momma, we hafta go there.” Randy pointed to the trees.

“So take me.  This is your surprise for me, you have to take me wherever you want me to go.”

Randy sat up straighter in the saddle.  She knew she’d done right by letting him continue to lead their way.  As happy of a boy as he was, Randy always seemed to want to please whomever he was with, and he was still trying to impress his father.  Leigh’s faith in him always seemed to make him a little happier.

Russell’s smile turned into a grin as he turned Storm – his gray Hanoverian – in line with Misty.  As soon as they broke through the trees, the man-made pond the size of three Olympic pools that Mr. Kennedy had made.  It was still very well kept, the water so clear, that Leigh knew it was still visited often by either one or both of the Kennedy men.

“Did you bring y’all’s bathing suits?”  Russell had called her that morning to tell her to bring them as soon as Randy had mention taking his momma to the pond.

“Momma don’t shwim.”

Russell looked over at Randy with disbelief.

“He’s telling the truth.  I brought Randy’s trunks, but I no longer swim.”

She didn’t swim anymore?  Russ was astonished.  Leigh had never been the athletic type, though she kept herself in shape and took care of her body, but swimming had been one of the pastimes up there with reading in her order of enjoyment.  She was Olympic level good, but never wanted the attention that being on the swim team would have brought.  They both had swimming holes close to their homes, so they would spend every day it wasn’t raining at one o them, usually his because she loved the romance of how it was thought up and built by his dad for his mom.

She had been close to his parents; considering them and loving them as she did her own.  He had taken that away from her when he made them choose a side, but he would spend every day from then on out trying to make it up to her.

‘Why would she stop doing something she loved so much?’
he thought, getting back to the original point in his head.  He asked her about after Randy had gotten into the water.

“I just don’t feel comfortable in a bathing suit anymore.”  Leigh spoke so softly, he had to lean in to hear.  She hadn’t looked over at him at when she said it, and wondered if she were ashamed.

“Why not?  What changed?”

“A lot has changed, Russell.  But in this case, it was the cancer.”

At first, Russell had thought she had said it in a bitter way, but her facial expression was one of piece and acceptance of things that could not be changed.

“I had a couple of surgeries,” she continued.  “And I really don’t like looking at what was left from them, so I just stopped swimming altogether.  I had been too sick to swim for a while anyway, so I just never started back.”

Russ sat and thought about it for a bit, letting it soak in and decide how to ask the questions he wanted to in a way that Leigh wouldn’t mind answering.  Seeing both of his parents off to the side and not joining in, he started complaining, though he knew his momma didn’t get in the water unless he was hurt or drowning.

“Can your dad and I talk for a bit?  Then I’m sure he’s itching to get into that cool water with you and see all you can do.”

They both watched as Randy walked into the water.  When he was in up to his waist, he dove in to swim underneath the surface.  Not taking her eyes off her son, Leigh spoke.

“I lied to you the other night.” she started off.  “Well…not really lied, but I omitted; which to me is the same thing, and I apologize for that.”

“Not telling everything is not lying.  We’ve always felt differently about that point.” Russ knew that Leigh held strong beliefs about ‘Thou Shalt Not Lie’ and was feeling guilty. Just as she did whenever else she felt like she had gone against them.  “Because of my hot headed temper, we have not been together for a long time.  You don’t have to tell me everything if you don’t feel comfortable doing it.”

“Don’t show off Randy!” she yelled before answering.  Randy kept going under water and seeing how long he could hold his breath, which Russ didn’t see a problem in, but Leigh obviously didn’t like it.  He was glad she was watching him so closely, because Russ’ attention kept going back to her.  He knew he would have to get better at watching Randy, but felt safe letting Leigh do it considering she had been for the last five years.  Which reminded him, “When is Randy’s birthday?”

“December 2
nd
.  They had to take him six weeks early.”

“Why?”
“Long story short?  I found out I had breast cancer while I was pregnant with Randy.  The lump was already a good size, but I wouldn’t allow any tests or treatments that could even potentially harm him.  My health deteriorated fast.  My body was having trouble supporting us both, so at thirty two weeks, they did a C-section.  He was in NICU for a week, but Momma took him from there.”  She glanced his way then looked back out to Randy.  “Did you realize that my mother had moved in with me for almost a year?”

“Yeah.  At first I thought it was because of the way she was shunned by everyone at first, but me, Ma, and Pop had put a stop to that, so then I just figured she was helping you to get settled somewhere.” 

Russ placed his hand on Leigh’s knee to get her to look at him.  “I am so ashamed for every action I took.  I know you - at least I knew you – too well to believe you’d do that, but I let my insecurities, and people whispering in my ear, get to me.  I should have listened to the one person who knew me and loved me for me, and not who my family is.”

Leigh let a few tears glide down her cheeks.  Russ wasn’t even sure she knew she was crying, but it moved him to know she still loved him enough to care what he thought.  Not that he was worthy of that love, but he appreciated it then more than ever.

“Don’t feel guilty, Russell.”  She squeezed his hand and he took it as a sign of understanding, but he didn’t remove it.  It felt good to touch Leigh, even with just that little contact. 

“I found out later what had happened.  I can’t condemn you for your reaction when I honestly don’t know what I’d have done.” she continued.  “Anyway, I didn’t leave the hospital for a while after he was born.  I had two surgeries to remove the lumps, and went forward with the chemo.  The chemo had to wait for me to recover somewhat from the birth and the surgeries, so they allowed me to go home.  I had Mother and after a bit I had Mark and one other person, all trying to help me, so we made it through.  I
did
go into remission, but I found out not too long ago that I have cancer again.  I need to go…”

“Daddy!”

Russ looked over and saw Randy running out of the water as fast as he could with his little legs and the water’s resistance.  By the tone of his voice and the angry expression on his face, Russ knew he was in trouble with his son, but for what he didn’t know.  Randy went straight to his momma’s lap and squeezed his arms around her.

“Why’re you making Momma cry?” he asked, still glaring at him.

Leigh reached up and wiped the tears from her face.  The look of surprise let Russ know he’d been correct in thinking she wasn’t aware of them.

“Randy, don’t speak to your father that way.” she told him softly.  “And Daddy didn’t make me cry, sweetie.  We were just talking about some sad stuff.  Now apologize.”

Randy walked over to where his dad was sitting with a worried look on his face; probably worried about what he would say.

“I apogogize Daddy.” he said looking down.

Russ hid the smile threatening to break out from hearing his son try to apologize, but he knew that he needed to take it seriously.

“It’s okay, buddy.  You were just looking out for your momma.  That’s a really good thing to do.  It shows me just how big of a boy you are.”

He knew he’d said the right thing by Leigh’s glowing eyes and the huge grin on Randy’s face before he hugged him and went back to Leigh’s lap.

“Randy, why don’t you go swim some more while I finish my talk with Daddy.”  Seeing his hesitation, she added on.  “I promise I won’t cry again.”

Seeming alright with that, he kissed her cheek and ran back to the water.

“You are so good with him.” she said; speaking quietly again so little ears wouldn’t hear.  “I knew you would be, but it makes me so happy to see it.  You two will be very close, I think.”

Leigh was smiling when she said that, and she looked content, but there was a hint of sadness that came with it.  Russ was getting more and more worried.  It must be bad if all of the little signs he was picking up weren’t just imagination.  He wanted to know, but didn’t have a right to ask about any of it.

“I’m going to Charlotte for the weekend to get the full battery of tests done so my new Oncologist can decide what my options are.”  Leigh said all of that while looking out over the water, watching Randy who was just splashing around at the bank.  He didn’t know if she was actually just that attentive, or if she was avoiding his eyes, but he did feel like she was leaving something out.  “I just told Mother and Mark last night, though Mark had his suspicions before then, and of course Mother didn’t take it too well.  They’ll be coming with me and getting a hotel room for Friday and Saturday nights.  They said they’d spend the days with me.”

“What hospital?” was all he could ask while trying to sort through all of the turmoil going on in his head.

“Presbyterian.”

“Will you call me and let me know what they say so I don’t have to wait for you to get back?”

“If I can’t, I’ll get one of them to.”  Leigh looked down at her lap, took a deep breath and let it out, then finally looked at Russ.  “It’s not in my breast this time.”

“Where is it?” he was terrified of the answer, and when he heard it, it took everything he had not to break down and rail at the world.

“I have a brain tumor.” 

All the breath in his body left him.  Russ’ mind just couldn’t comprehend what Leigh had just said, but his heart had heard.  Blinking back the tears so they wouldn’t escape, he jumped up from his seat on the grass beside her and he turned his back to try to compose himself.  That’s when his breath came back in a choking rush.  This time he couldn’t breathe because he was hyperventilating.

“Daddy?”

Russ heard the concern in his son’s voice coming from the edge of the water he’d been playing in, but he couldn’t turn around and respond.

“Just wait, baby.  Daddy will be getting ready to join you in moment.” he heard Leigh tell Randy.  The next moment, she was standing in front of him, looking up into his face.  “Breathe with me Russell.  You have to calm down.” 

Russ couldn’t help himself.  He grabbed Leigh into a bone crushing hug, burying his face in the crook of her neck taking deep breaths.  The thought that he might be hurting her flashed through his mind, but he just had to feel her for a moment.  He needed her to calm his racing heart and match his breathing with hers, as she’d requested, to be able to get air into his lungs.  Russ needed to feel the life in her; to know and remember that she was there with him.

She slid her arms around his back loosely, after a few seconds of standing stiffly, and whispered in his ear. 

“It’s going to be alright, Sprout.” she said, trying to make her voice sound light hearted.  He knew she was just trying to get him to smile, and her using her old nic-name for him – she used to call him Russell Sprout in mock of the brussel sprouts he hated so much - almost accomplished that.  He let his arms loosen up, without letting go, as she pulled back to look up at him and when she spoke, her tone had changed.  “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have just blurted it out like that.”