Living With Regret (15 page)

I don’t stop until I’m outside, tucked into the old Camaro. A part of me wants to tell Sam that everything is okay. I know what happened upstairs didn’t come with bad intentions. His timing sucks, that’s all. If I could find a magic eraser to erase some of the past, maybe things could be different between us. Sam Shea is one of those forever guys. The kind you like a little more with each minute you spend with him. The kind that opens your heart slowly and crawls deep inside before you even realize what’s happening. He’s the guy with the power to do it all, but he can never be my forever guy.

The driver’s door clicks open, and Sam slides into his seat. I hesitantly glance over, expecting him to at least look at me, but he keeps his attention on the windshield. His jaw is tense, so much so I see the tiny muscles pulsing. I’ve become a domino—the first one in a line of many; I fell and I’m taking everyone else with me.

Not able to watch him any longer, I stare out the passenger window. There’s nothing out there but fields and pastures. Flat, green grass blowing in the direction of the wind … I wish my life were that simple. As simple as the plains of Iowa.

The drive only takes minutes but seems like hours under the circumstances. Besides the sound of the engine, it’s completely quiet. Not a song. Not a word. It might as well be the longest ride of my life.

The second his car comes to a stop in front of my house, I unbuckle my seatbelt and reach for the door handle. “Wait,” Sam says, drawing me back in.

I can only look, all out of words for today.

“I don’t want this to change things between us.” He runs his hands through his hair, pulling it at the ends. “I just got you back, Rachel.”

“It’s too late for that.” I sigh, trying hard to pull myself together. “I need a few days to clear my head. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.” Without another word or look, I leave him behind. It has to be this way; he weakens me, and I don’t have the strength to fight against it right now.

He lets me go. I don’t think he’s giving up on me, at least I hope he’s not.

God must know I needed a break because I make it to my bedroom without running into my mom. It’s not a promise that she won’t be up here any minute with a million questions, but it gives me time to breathe.

After avoiding Sam for a few days, I realize how much better he’s made the days since Cory died.

Since that afternoon with Sam, I’ve been sulking around the house, trying to avoid my parents. It’s not hard with my dad, but Mom has tried to rope me into shopping and even a movie. Luckily, I retained some of my high school tricks and was easily able to fake a stomach virus to get out of it. While I felt guilty, I was also tired of wearing a mask of normalcy. It’s never worked for me.

My phone vibrates in my purse, but I hesitate before answering it. Sam hasn’t tried to contact me, but I know that won’t last forever. Sam’s not the runner; I am.

Pulling the phone from my purse, I see the name on the screen isn’t anyone I was expecting.

“Hello,” I answer.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Kate asks, her voice soft and soothing.

“I’ve been better. How are you?”

“That was a stupid question, wasn’t it?” she asks. I can tell she’s chewing on her bottom lip. It’s something she does often.

“I would’ve asked the same thing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah, I know better, though.” I can hear her breathing on the other end, the only sound covering the silence. “I’m sorry I haven’t called in a while. This summer has been really busy, but I know that’s no excuse.”

“No need to apologize. I haven’t been that much fun to be around anyway.” Sam could tell her … I’ve been a freaking yo-yo. Fun. Sad. Fun. Sad.

She hesitates, and then asks, “How are you feeling? I mean, really feeling.”

“I’ve been good for the most part. I’m almost at one hundred percent physically, but I can’t remember anything about that night. I don’t even know if I want to remember.”

“It will be hard for a while, but it will get easier. I promise. I know it would help to understand how it happened, but you need a plan in case that never happens.”

If a stranger said that to me, I’d be pissed, but I get what she’s saying, and she’s one hundred percent right. That has been the hardest part—not knowing why I did what I did. Why would I get behind the wheel of my car after I’d been drinking? Why did Cory let me? And in all honesty, I might never know.

“I know things will get better. It’s just going to take some time,” I say quietly, my mind drifting off to the what-ifs. The land of the what-ifs is pretty miserable these days.

“Time is your best friend. Don’t forget that.” Kate should know after losing her boyfriend, Asher, last year. She’s such an amazing person, a testament that sometimes pushing through the pain only makes us stronger.

“I’ll try not to.”

“Look, I was wondering if I can come visit on Saturday? I miss you, and I’m sure you could use a little girl time.”

The thought of seeing Kate almost makes me cry. I know some of my old friends are back for the summer, but no one’s made much effort to see me. Not even Madison other than that day in the hospital. They’re probably all mad at me. They probably always will be.

“That would be great,” I say, trying to make my voice sound as normal as possible.

“Okay, I’ll be there around ten to pick you up. What do you want to do?”

“Swimming?”

“That sounds fabulous, because I think it’s supposed to be over ninety tomorrow. Can you text me your address? I think it’s about a two hour drive from my house, but I need to know where to go when I get there.”

“I’ll do it as soon as I hang up.”

“Great. I’m excited to see you.”

“Me too. I’ll talk to you later,” I say, squeezing the phone tightly in my fingers.

“Later,” she says right before the phone goes dead.

Every time I think the sun is never going to come out again, it shines through the clouds, giving me a sliver of hope.

August 11, 2013

SADLY, THIS IS THE
first time I’ve put on a swimsuit all summer. My body is thinner than usual, leaving the top a little looser than I’d like, but after adjusting the strings a few times, it works. I pull on a pair of faded cutoff shorts and a white tank top before throwing my hair into a ponytail.

This is the second time in a week I’ve had something to look forward to, and I don’t see any reason why it would turn out like the first. Dad left a couple hours ago; I heard his car speeding down the gravel driveway. Mom’s home, but she’s been tolerable the last few days. I think she got tired of babysitting me and decided to give me time to work through the fog in my head. We’ve just never had the type of relationship where I’ve felt like I can be open and honest with her. I’ve convinced myself she prefers I only tell her what makes her proud or gives her something to brag about to her friends. Maybe it’s all in my head, but she hasn’t done anything to disprove it.

I grab my beach bag off the bed and head downstairs to find something to eat before Kate gets here. The lake I want to go to is out in the middle of nowhere so my plan is to pack us each a light lunch for later. I haven’t felt much like eating lately, but this isn’t just about me.

As I’m pulling the toaster out of the cupboard, the doorbell rings. Looking up at the clock, I notice it’s only nine thirty. After wiping my hands on the towel, I walk out of the kitchen and see Kate through the front window. I quicken my steps, excited to see her for the first time in a few months. When the door opens, her arms wrap tightly around me. “It’s so good to see you,” she says, squeezing me even tighter.

“It’s good to see you, too.” I wrap my arms around the center of her back.

After a few seconds, she lets go, stepping back far enough that she can see me. She spends more time than usual scanning me over, but it doesn’t take long for her familiar, friendly smile to form. Besides being down a couple pounds, I look the same as I did a few months ago. “You look good,” she remarks.

“Some days I don’t feel that way, but I’m getting there. How was your drive?”

“It was relaxing actually … just me and Lifehouse.” Her smile changes, a layer of sadness darkening it. She’d told me it was Asher’s favorite band. They listened to them all the time before he died. Music can be the key to memories, good and bad. “Are you ready?”

“Actually, I was just making us some lunch. The lake’s kind of out in the middle of nowhere.”

“This whole state is pretty much the middle of nowhere,” she replies, glancing around our overdone house. It isn’t one of those you can walk into and feel at home. Most people don’t even feel like they can sit down and end up doing exactly what Kate’s doing right now—looking around in awe of the museum-like entryway. It’s a mixture of expensive furniture in fine fabrics and antiques in mint condition, all kept impeccably clean.

“Follow me to the kitchen. I’ll finish making our lunch and then we can hit the road.”

She nods, her eyes scanning the room again as she takes a few small steps forward. “Your house is really nice.”

I shrug, staring at a kitchen, so clean you could eat off any surface. “It’s not really me, but my mom’s put a lot of work into it. It has to look good in case anyone comes over.”

“The house I grew up in was definitely more lived in.”

While I finish packing a small cooler, Kate leans on the island and fills me in on her summer with Beau. While she speaks, it’s obvious she’s holding back, afraid her happiness will bring me more misery. Hearing about the fun things they’ve done together does make me think of Cory and all the things we would be doing right now. Swimming. Taking his parents’ boat out on the lake. Bonfires with friends. Even simple things like holding his hand or breathing in his scent. I miss it all.

“Ready?” I ask.

“You better believe it.”

On the way to the lake, we roll down the windows in Kate’s car and let the wind mess up our perfect ponytails. Everything is easy with Kate—we have a lot of the same interests—two girls who like simplicity, who live for the loves in our lives.

“So what have you been up to? You said you were feeling better.” Kate’s hands grip the steering wheel, perfectly at ten and two, and she only takes her eyes off the road for a second to gauge my response.

“I didn’t do much until just a few weeks ago. I’ve been hanging out with an old friend when I feel up to it.” My heart rate picks up just thinking about Sam and what happened the last time I saw him. I still see that look on his face, the pain in his eyes. If I were a stronger girl, I’d have called him by now. I just can’t do it yet.

“Yeah? Is it that Madison girl you talk about all the time?”

I shake my head, nervously looking out the passenger side window. I’ve never talked about Sam with her, but if anyone is going to understand, it’s Kate. “His name is Sam. We’ve been friends since I was eight.” When I think about what a best friend should be, it’s Sam. He’s more than just another friend. He’s the person I tell the most to, the one I want to spend the most time with.

Her eyes widen, but she quickly recovers, focusing in on the road again. “You’ve never mentioned him before.”

“We lost touch for a while. He’s the only person besides you who’s been around at all.”

“It’s weird how it takes something bad to point out who’s really there for you. When it comes down to it, true friends are as rare as true love.”

“Do you think it’s possible to find a true love and true friend in the same person?”

She looks at me again, her mouth opening then closing. “That’s Beau. Sometimes true friends make the best true loves.”

She’s right. With true friendship comes trust, and trust makes it easier to give your heart away … it gives you confidence that the person who holds it won’t break it. “How long after Asher died did you start seeing Beau?”

“Umm, it was seven or eight months. If it had been anyone else but Beau, I wouldn’t have been able to move on so soon, but I’d felt things for him for a long time. It was easy because it was what my heart wanted.”

I point her north, down the long dirt road that leads to the lake I like to go to when I don’t feel like being around my old high school classmates.