Lockout (12 page)

"I want some bloody consistency. Why is it okay for you to cook me breakfast, but I can't make you dinner? Why is it okay for me to stay over at your place, but you won't ever stay here?"

There was a pause. "I don't know. I didn't plan any of that, it just sort of happened."

"So? That's how these things are supposed to go. They progress gradually. What I want to know is, why are you trying so hard to make sure it doesn't 'just happen' again?"

He shifted awkwardly and looked away. "Like I said, I've been extremely busy lately. I just don't have that much time—"

"It's not just about the time! It's everything; the way you act, the way you talk to me. It's like there are two different Sebastians. Some days I get the kind, sweet, intensely passionate man who makes me feel wonderful, and other days it's his evil twin who barely wants to do anything but fuck, and who ignores me for weeks on end. How the hell am I meant to deal with that?"

He pursed his lips. "I'm the same man I always was."

"That's what I'm worried about."

His face was a mask of intensity now. "So what are you saying, Sophia?"

I shook my head slowly. There was no going back now. "You want me to spell it out? Okay, fine. You were right to be worried at the beginning; apparently your 'charms' are just too strong. I'm no longer happy just to write this thing off as a casual fling. Don't get me wrong, the sex is great, but it's more than that to me now. I like being with you, Sebastian, naked or not, and I can't go on doing whatever the hell it is we're doing anymore without admitting that. I thought maybe you felt the same way, but apparently I was wrong."

I must have watched one too many sappy romantic comedies, because I was actually disappointed that my declaration didn't cause him to break into a glorious smile and sweep me up in his arms. Instead, he stared at me with an unreadable expression, his jaw working wordlessly.

That silence was almost crushing. A car horn blared somewhere in the distance, punctuating his lack of response. "Say something for god's sake," I said, after a few seconds.

"I'm thinking," he replied.

White hot rage filled me.
"Thinking?
This isn't a moment for thinking Sebastian. This isn't a game anymore. There are no smooth lines to deliver, no different angles to approach from. If you have to think, then this whole thing is a lost cause!"

He continued to sit, utterly motionless, his expression hard as stone.

It was too much. I shot to my feet, suddenly desperate to be anywhere but in his presence. I couldn't even meet his eyes anymore. I should have known better than to expect something more from him. "I need you to leave," I said. "Consider our 'arrangement' over. I'm sure that will give you plenty to think about."

I began moving towards the staircase, but as I passed him, his hand snaked out and caught my wrist. "Sophia, wait. Look at me." His voice was a dry rasp. Barely human.

Reluctantly I turned. The look on his face was frightening enough to stop me in my tracks. It was like his expression so far had just been a mask, and now the entire thing had just broken right up the middle. His cheeks were pinched and flushed, his mouth drawn tripwire tight, and there was something new in his eyes, something I could only describe as terror. It was so intense that I could practically feel it rippling in the air around me. There was no way I was misinterpreting that. Ending this frightened him as much as it did me.

"It's not just me, is it?" I asked, my voice surprisingly soft.

He gave a tiny shake of his head. "Of course it's not just you."

I sank heavily back into my seat. That admission didn't make me feel as good as I'd expected. It lifted one weight while replacing it with another.

"So what is it, Sebastian?" I asked. "If we both want the same thing, why run away?"

He drew a deep breath. "It's complicated. I'm complicated."

"
Relationships
are complicated," I replied. "There's no avoiding it. We made a good effort at minimising all that and just sticking to the fun stuff, but I for one can't go on that way anymore. As inconvenient as it might be for both of us, this thing means something to me now, and I want everything that comes with that, including your complications."

He gazed into my eyes, a ghost of a smile touching his lips. "It means something to me, too."

"Then stop pushing me away!"

He hung his head. "I want to. I really do. But you don't know what you're asking. You terrify me, Sophia. I've never felt so consumed by another person before. And every time we see each other, it's like I lose another piece of myself in you. You criticise me for thinking too much, but the truth is, around you I don't think. I just do. I have no control. I'm sorry if I freaked out, but I don't know how to deal with that."

They were the most bittersweet words I'd ever heard. His feelings were as strong as mine, but apparently that was only half the battle.

"Why are you so afraid, Sebastian?"

He studied me for what felt like an eternity. I knew this was the moment that would make or break us. He could throw his armour back on, pull down his mask, and march out the door, and there would be nothing I could do to stop him.

"Have you ever lost someone?" he asked eventually. "Someone important?"

I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. "Two grandparents, although I was too young to remember one very well."

He nodded. "I've lost more than my fair share, but one cut a little closer to the bone than the rest."

I knew instantly who he was talking about. "The girl in your phone background?"

He swallowed loudly, then nodded.

I thought about her every now and again. That night outside my house was one of the rare moments I'd seen cracks in Sebastian's impeccable facade. They were the same cracks I could see now, only this time, they were a hundred times worse. What the hell had I just started?

"What happened?" I asked, as gently as I could.

His lips compressed and he gazed down at the table. "Some men broke into her house," he said, his voice completely hollow. "The police said they were probably high, looking for money or something to sell." He gave a sad little laugh. "She was always a fighter. Never backed down from anything. That's one of the things I loved about her." He paused again. "There was a struggle. They beat her senseless. She died before the ambulance even arrived."

My hand flew up to my mouth. "Oh god." I reached out to take his fingers in mine. "I'm so sorry, Sebastian. I didn't mean to make you dredge that up."

"It's okay," he replied, although his expression said otherwise. He looked close to tears. It was jarring seeing him like that. He was always so strong, so in control.

"It was serious?" I asked tentatively.

He smiled the most gut-wrenching smile I'd ever seen. "You could say that. We were engaged."

"Oh god," I said again. I had no idea what to say. It was the kind of grief I knew no words would soothe. Even though I'd wanted to know, part of me felt awful for putting him through this. It kind of put my commitment issues into perspective. All I'd done was make a few terribly naive choices; he'd lost the person he loved most in the world. I had no idea how I'd recover from something like that. I suspected I wouldn't.

He closed his eyes and drew several long breaths. "I nearly told you that night outside your house, you know. Nobody besides my closest friends know about Liv, but even then, part of me felt compelled to explain it to you." He brought his eyes up to meet mine, seizing my free hand in his. "There are lots of things I want to share with you, but sharing isn't easy for me. You deserve someone who can give you everything, and I'm afraid if we go any further, I'm going to disappoint you."

For the short period I'd known him, Sebastian had always been a mystery to me. It was like watching a magician perform. I knew there was a trick there somewhere, but I was too dazzled to spot it. But in that moment, I felt like I finally understood him just a little. Behind all those walls, behind that radiant charm and those perfect features, lay a scared and lonely man. I hated seeing him like that, but at the same time, his candour filled me with hope. I knew how much of a gift he'd given me.

"One step at a time, hey?" I said. "I don't need to know all of your deepest, darkest secrets right away. All I need to know is that this is real, because if we go any further and I find out that it's not, I think it will break me."

He studied me for several seconds, a small smile managing to puncture through his otherwise grim expression. "This is the realest thing I know, Sophia."

And then before I could even finish processing what he'd said, he was kissing me. This time I didn't try to stop him. I couldn't. I was certain if anything were going to break that moment, the very planet would have to collapse off its axis. In that kiss, I saw a vision of everything I'd ever wanted. And it was wonderful.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

It's amazing the difference one night can make. Weeks' worth of tension and uncertainty, all dissipated with a single conversation. I woke with my body pressed against his, feeling more content than I had in a long time. The smile on his face when he opened his eyes said that he felt the same.

After a leisurely love making session that involved several creative uses for a dressing gown tie, we headed for the kitchen to squeeze in a quick breakfast before work. Now that we'd acknowledged our feelings, it was more difficult than ever to say goodbye. I really just wanted to spend the whole day together, but that was the peril of a relationship between two dedicated professionals. Time was a limited commodity.

Thankfully we had phones. I used to mock those couples who seemed to require constant contact. I had a friend at university who spent every day glued to her phone, eagerly waiting for the next inevitable text from her boyfriend. It wasn't like they were long distance or anything. She'd see him every night after class. I never understood why she couldn't just wait a few hours to say what she had to say. But now I finally got it. There was something comforting about those little connections. It wasn't so much the words themselves as what they symbolised; that someone out there was thinking of you. And Sebastian and I made sure to let each other know that as often as possible.

Two days later, I woke up to find a message from him.

Sebastian: You're coming out with me tonight.

I couldn't help but smile. No request. Just an order.

Sophia: And what if I have plans?

Sebastian: I won't be stood up for a stack of subpoenas and a glass of red.

Sophia: Haha. You know me too well. Fine. Where should I meet you?

Sebastian: I'll come to you. I want it to be a surprise. Be home and ready by 6.30. And wear comfortable shoes.

Of course. Why tell me what we were doing when he could just keep it shrouded in mystery instead? I had to hand it to him, he knew how to keep a girl guessing. The comfortable shoes tidbit was interesting. It seemed to imply that we'd be walking somewhere, but I'd long since learned that his hints could rarely be taken at face value.

As usual, my excitement made the day go by at a crawl. This would be our first full night together with everything laid out on the table. For the first time, I could be completely unashamed of the way he made me feel. That was a truly glorious prospect.

When five thirty rolled around, there was still a mountain of work needing to be done. The Wrights case had everyone with their noses to the grindstone. In times past, I'd blown off dates under such circumstances, but the thought didn't even enter my head tonight. I tidied up what I could, sent a few quick apologetic emails, and headed home. Little Bell had been my top priority for six long years; it could spare me the odd night here and there.

Sebastian was perfectly on time as usual. As I stepped out of the front door, he cast his eyes over me and made a little throaty sound. "You're a sight for sore eyes."

I grinned. "We saw each other two days ago."

"And every minute of those was agony," he replied with a dramatic flourish. He did a double take when he spotted my shoes. "The princess is wearing her slippers out again I see."

I'd wondered if he'd notice they were the same pair from that first night. In my experience, men didn't pay much attention to shoes, but Sebastian didn't seem to miss anything. "Well, after the prince so graciously returned them to her, she figured she should make good use of them. Besides, they're the most comfortable shoes she owns."

"Fair enough."

I curled my hands through his hair and pulled his mouth towards mine. God, I'd missed him. In that moment, I was certain I would have been quite happy just standing on my front step with our lips locked together for the rest of the night.

As if reading my thoughts, he pulled away. "Easy now. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. There will be plenty of time for that."

I made a show of pouting, but let him lead me to the car anyway.

The trip was longer than I'd expected. Rather than dropping us somewhere in the city, Joe continued to drive out over the Harbour Bridge.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked, more than a little curious by now.

But he merely smiled. "If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise."

Once we crossed the Spit Bridge, I had a better idea, and my suspicions were proven right when we pulled up outside the Manly boardwalk. Manly is one of the suburbs that sprawls along the north side of Sydney Harbour. It's a lovely area; a dynamic mix of beach culture and nightlife. I'd had several messy nights there in my youth, although not for a few years. Old age had made me cynical and territorial, and I tended to stick closer to home now.

"Ah, so another waterfront meal is it?" I asked, feigning disinterest.

He gazed down at me in amusement. "Would it be a problem if it was?"

"Oh, I guess not," I said, trying to hide my smile. "You may want to consider some new material, that's all."