London Bound (24 page)

“No, but—”

“And, I don’t want children.”

Meg sat heavily on the edge of the bed again. “You say that, now. You’re young, and you might change your mind. And, if you do, wouldn’t you rather be with someone your age who can give you that?”

“It’s not something I say lightly, Meg,” he snapped. “Or a decision I came to without serious thought. I more or less raised my sisters. I’ve actually done the parenting thing—still am, in fact. Your being unable have any more children changes nothing in my eyes.”

“I don’t want you to resent me later,” she whispered.

“How could I resent you? You’re worrying about not giving me something I don’t even want. I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve never wanted children of my own. Whether you and I continue or it ends now and I move on at some point, I won’t be having children.

When she didn’t respond, he laughed bitterly.

“You don’t believe me. You’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?” he drawled. “You’ve decided that I want or need these things, and nothing is going to change
your
mind.”

She bent over, pressing against the pain blossoming through her middle. “Nathan, please.”

“Please what? Please nod along and tell you you’re absolutely right? That I’m a shallow fuck who wants the woman he’s with to only have eyes for him all the fucking time? That what I know to be true for me actually isn’t because it doesn’t fit your assumptions? I’m sorry, but no.”

“None of that!” she protested. “I just... It’s not just those things.”

“What more could there possibly be, Meg? If it’s not the distance or the age difference or disagreeing whether I want fucking kids, then what is it?”

His frustration burned, and she could barely breath through the panic it created. This was not how she wanted things to end between them—not with hot anger and harsh words.

“When I was there, we lived together, spent all our free time together. You made me feel...right and good for the first time in so long. It was like living in this bubble of perfection.” She wiped her wet cheeks. “But it wasn’t real life. That’s what I came back to and what my leaving gave back to you. With distance and time, I think that’s going to become clearer to both of us. And, the intensity, the allure will fade, because those were born out of the fact it was exciting and temporary.”

“That is...” He huffed a quiet laugh. “That is complete and utter bullshit.”

“What?”

“My feelings for you aren’t going to magically change, and I’d fucking wager that yours aren’t either. But, fine,” he bit out. “You focus on the distance and take whatever time you need. When you’re done with that, when you realize that what we have is real, when the intensity and the allure won’t fade but become even stronger, I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere, Meg, because I know what we have is more than a bloody holiday fling.”

“Nathan, I don’t want you to—”

“No,” he said firmly. “You need time. I’m a patient man, especially, when it comes to the people I love. I’m giving you time. As much as you need. Now, I’m sure Aaron and Emily are anxious to spend time with their mum. Goodnight, love.”

The call ended before Meg could even respond. She lowered her hand and stared at the phone, heart in her throat, stealing her breath.

Especially, when it comes to the people I love.

“Hey.” Aaron pushed the door open and popped his head in the room. “Are you up for dinner? Or are you turning in?”

“Dinner,” she said slowly then shook her head. “Of course I’m up for dinner. I’m always up for a dinner I didn’t have to cook.”

“I’m reserving judgment until I’ve actually tasted it,” he muttered.

“Be nice,” she admonished as she stood.

Following him downstairs, she couldn’t stop the continuous loop Nathan’s words played in her mind.

Especially, when it comes to the people I love...

“S
o, spill. What’s the deal with you and Nathan?”

Meg groaned and dropped her head against the back of the couch. She’d known it was too good to be true when Caro hadn’t brought up Nathan most of the morning. Her friend had come over shortly after the kids had taken off—Aaron to work and Emily with friends—after breakfast. Meg had thought she was in the clear, which she realized now was foolish, wishful thinking.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She turned her head slightly and eyed the other woman.

“I get that.” Caro nodded and sipped her coffee. “You do realize we’re going to, though, right? I’m mean, it’s happening.”

“Caro,” Meg sighed. “There is no ‘deal’.”

“Riiiiight. And that’s why you’ve been pining since you came back to work.”

“I have not been pining!”

“Pining, moping, brooding, gazing off into space then staring at your phone so hard like you could will it ring. All those things, my friend. All...of...those...things,” she drawled.

Meg scowled. She should have just taken the entire week off instead of returning for two days before the weekend. But she’d felt guilty for taking so much time off as it was. Technically, she co-owned the small consulting firm Scott had started with his sister not long after Aaron was born, and she could take off as much time as she wanted to, really. She knew she was appreciated as office manager, especially since the business was growing—enough to spark discussions on hiring another engineer to help cope with the workload—but everyone had encouraged her to take the six-week vacation. Hell, half of them had been in on arranging the gift, being close friends or, in Caro and her husband’s case, family.

So, she had no reason to feel guilty and go back to work right away, and if she hadn’t, maybe she wouldn’t be getting interrogated right now. She narrowed her eyes, and Caro just looked back at her and continued to drink her coffee calmly. No. This would be happening even if she hadn’t gone back to work. She was surprised Caro had waited as long as she had—making it all the way until their regular Sunday morning coffee “date”.

“I’m not some teenager with a crush or something,” Meg muttered then pinned Caro with a hard look. “You encouraged this. You told me to go for it, to indulge in a fling. Well, I did, and now, it’s over. So, I’m a little sad. That’s normal. People feel sad after great vacations, and when good things end.”

“Mm hmmm.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t sit there pursing your lips, acting like you know more than you know, going ‘mm hmmm’.” Meg shifted, curling her legs up on the cushion. “Such a know-it-all. Well, you don’t know as much as you think you do. Bitch.”

“I know more than you think I do. Whore.”

Grabbing her coffee from the end table, Meg took a long drink. “You know shit.”

Caro leaned forward and set her mug on the coffee table then clasped her hands together. “You decided you were going to go for it—have a hot little fling with a hunky, younger man. Which I heartily approve of and, yes, as your best friend, encouraged. You figured you’d sex it up London-style for the rest of your vacation then you’d come home and just slip comfortably back into your life. You didn’t count on developing feelings, besides the tingling in your lady parts, for the guy. So, classic Meg freaking out is happening. You’re thinking of all the reasons why it could never ever
ever
work with this guy—the distance, the age difference, maybe he’s not as invested emotionally, blah blah blah. How am I doing so far?”

“I hate you,” Meg muttered.

“No, you love me. You hate that what I’m saying is spot on. So, first question,” Caro said, leaning back, settling comfortably. “What do you feel for him?”

“Caro...” Returning her coffee to the table, Meg scrubbed her hands over her face to avoid her friend’s questioning gaze.

“Shit, you’re in love with him! I knew it was more than quick-hook-up feelings, but... You love him.”

She dropped her hands and let out a shaky breath, vision blurring.

“Oh, honey.” Caro stood from the chair and moved to sit beside Meg, pulling her in for a hug. “Don’t cry. Is it really that bad to be in love, again?”

Meg let herself enjoy the embrace for a few long moments then pulled away. “When there’s no chance of it working out, yes.”

“Why?” Caro’s hands covered hers. “Why can’t it work out?”

“For all the reasons you said. The distance. And that’s not just living a state away, for fuck’s sake. It’s a different country, different continent. Thousands of miles. And the age difference.” She laughed, or tried to. Somehow, it became more cry than laugh. “It’s more complicated than just him being younger. Though, twelve...well, almost twelve years, is obstacle enough.”

“How is it more complicated?” Caro urged gently.

“He’s...” Meg blew out a long breath. “You know I can’t have any more children. Even if I was willing to have another at my age.”

“Oh, honey,” the other woman said again, squeezing Meg’s hands. “And he wants kids. Shit. I’m so sorry.”

“He says he doesn’t,” Meg said without thinking. Damn it! She’d nearly had the unwanted conversation closed, and she’d blown it wide open again with one stupid sentence.

“So, you two talked about that, about a future?”

“He’s so young, Caro,” she said quickly. “He’s hasn’t found that person who makes him want to settle down and have a family. You should have seen him with his friends’ kids, though.” She couldn’t help but smile as she remembered, despite the ache that spread through her. “He’s so good with them, a natural, really. He’ll be a good father, someday.”

“But he doesn’t want kids. That’s what you said.”

“He says that now, but what happens when he changes his mind? I’m the one who can’t give him what he wants.”

“Do you have reason to think he’ll change his mind?” Caro asked, frowning. “Is the sort of man who says things and doesn’t follow through? Who gives you an absolute—because he said he doesn’t want kids, not that he doesn’t
think
he wants them, yes?—without thinking it through?”

“Well...no. I’m not saying he’s lying or that he hasn’t thought about it. I’m saying—”

“You’re saying he really doesn’t know his own mind. That you know better than he does, and as the older, wiser one in this relationship, you’re going to save him from his future self-inflicted heartache. Thank God, he has you to keep him from ruining his life. ”

Meg flinched at the harsh, biting tone. “Now, you’re just being a bitch.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes it’s the only way to get through to you,” Caro snapped. “Listen to yourself for a minute. Nathan is a grown man. Twenty-eight isn’t as young as you think it is. He’s not some teenager spouting off because he can’t fathom being a parent. If he says he doesn’t want children, why can’t you just accept that? Not all people are meant to be parents, regardless of how great they are with kids, you know that. I’m guessing he has his reasons—you know, besides just general lack of desire to procreate. Though, really, does there need to be more than that?”

Meg pulled her hands free from Caro’s grasp and wiped her eyes. “You always manage to make me sound unreasonable or some shit.”

“Only when you are,” she drawled. “Just like you do when I’m emotionally invested and can’t see stuff through the cloud of feelings and hormones and whatever else is mixed in. Honey, you’re in love, and you’re scared. Of course, you are, because love is fucking scary. But you’re grasping, assuming things, trying to convince yourself that you can’t have this.”

“I can’t. Why doesn’t anyone else see that?”

“Who else doesn’t see that? Nathan? You have talked to him, then?” Caro sat back, smug smile firmly in place.

“Yes, I called him. When I got home.” Meg shook her head. “I don’t get it. He let me go, let me get on the plane without a word about this...thing continuing, but then after, he’s all upset when I point out that it won’t. What
is
that?”

Caro shrugged. “Maybe he didn’t want to pressure you. Maybe he didn’t realize how strongly he felt until you were gone? I don’t know.” She narrowed her eyes. “If you thought it was over, why did you call him?

“Because he told me to,” Meg said behind her hand.

“What was that?”

“Because he told me to,” Meg repeated loudly. “He told me to, okay? So, I did.”

Pressing her lips together against a smirk, Caro shook her head.

“What? What is so damned funny about that?”

“Not funny. Maybe a bit
amusing
.” She reached over and grabbed Meg’s hand. “Honey, that right there—him wanting you to call him—that was your clue he didn’t want it to end.”

Meg snorted. “No, that is him being a good guy. Wanting to make sure I got home all right.”

“Please, if he looked at this as anything temporary, he’d have smiled and waved and walked away. He wouldn’t go with you to the airport, and he wouldn’t be insisting you call him. I could maybe see asking you to text. Maybe.” Caro shrugged. “And all of that doesn’t matter anyway, because when you did talk to him, he made it clear he wanted it to continue, right?”

“I think so. I don’t know. I didn’t really give him much of a chance to talk.” Meg’s face heated. “But he wasn’t really happy when I talked about why it shouldn’t continue and why it wouldn’t work.”

“Yeah, he wants it,” Caro drawled. “Have you talked to him since then? Has he called or texted or anything?”

“No.” Meg grabbed her coffee and grimaced as she took a swig of the lukewarm liquid. She set it aside again and faced her friend. “I don’t expect him to. He said he was giving me time.”

“So, ball’s in your court, sister. You need to make the next move.”

“No next move, Caro. It really wouldn’t work out.” Meg sighed, tired of having the glimmer of hope again and again only to have it crushed when she thought of all the obstacles. She couldn’t keep doing this to herself.

“Okay...” Caro turned on the cushion, pulling her legs up to sit cross-legged, facing Meg. “What’s the real problem here? Because you’re holding onto these reasons like they’re a freaking life raft. But what is the fear that’s threatening to pull you under?”

“Fuck you and your metaphors.”

“Quit being so dramatic, and I wouldn’t need to use dramatic language. Or if that’s too much to ask, at least be honest with me...and yourself. What is really going on?” She tilted her head to the side, nose wrinkled. “It’s not Scott, right? It doesn’t seem like that’s what it is, but...”