Look Behind You (28 page)

Butterflies and bees flutter around flowers, stopping every now and then on one that takes their fancy. Birds sing their morning chorus. Clouds glide through the air. I don’t know how everything can look so normal yet be so far removed from it.

Jordan finds me a while later. He’s wearing faded jeans and an old T-shirt, his hair rumpled from sleep. He runs a hand over it as he walks in the kitchen, humming a tune I don’t recognize. He stops when he sees me and breaks into a smile, his whole face lighting up. ‘Oh, hi. Didn’t see you there.’

I find myself smiling back, drinking in the sight of him. ‘Hi.’

‘Did you sleep OK?’

For some reason, I can’t help laughing. It sounds shrill, a noise that could split me in two. No, not shrill; it sounds mad. I am actually going round the bend now. I can feel it. ‘Not really.’

‘No, I don’t suppose you did.’ His smile drops and he looks serious, his eyes gentle. ‘I admire your courage, you know.’

‘I’m not courageous at all. I’m scared to death. I always have been.’ I jump up and change the subject to dilute the fear. ‘Are you hungry? Let me make you breakfast. It’s the least I can do.’

He waves me back down. ‘Sit. I’ll do it.’

‘But you’ve been kind enough to let me stay here, so I should do it.’

‘You’re a guest. And guests don’t have to lift a finger. Besides, you’ve been through a lot. You deserve a bit of pampering.’

My cheeks flush then, but I don’t know if it’s with gratitude or something else.

‘So.’ He peers in the fridge. ‘What do you fancy? Poached eggs on toast? Cereal? Or I can do a mean bacon sandwich.’

‘A bacon sandwich sounds perfect.’

He puts toast in the toaster and bacon under the grill, and we talk about how good the weather is this year for May, the last book we read, the fox I saw in the garden that Jordan’s nicknamed Foxy (as original as the cat’s name). Nothing important or heavy. I like that he doesn’t force me to talk about what’s going on in my head. It’s nice to be distracted with normalcy for a while. And as he works, it feels like this
is
the most normal thing in the world. Like we’re an old married couple used to the rhythms of each other. It’s easy and relaxing, something I only had with Liam in the very beginning.

John clatters through the cat flap as Jordan dishes up the bacon sandwiches. ‘Yeah, thought you might be back when you smelt this!’ Jordan says to him, cutting off some crispy fat and putting it in John’s bowl. John wolfs it down and purrs loudly, looking up expectantly for more.

‘What’s on the agenda for today, then?’ Jordan asks as he hands me a plate.

‘I’ve got an appointment with Dr Drew this morning. I also need to go back to my house and pick up some more of my stuff.’

‘I have classes this morning, but I can go with you this afternoon to your house if you like?’ He takes a bite of sandwich.

‘Are you sure? I don’t want to put you to any trouble.’

He swallows. ‘It’s no trouble. We can get a lot more in the camper. And besides, until we find out what happened, this psycho could still be after you. I just want to make sure you’re safe.’

Tears of appreciation prick at my eyes. The promise I made myself in the dead of night not to cry is hard to keep up in the cold light of day. But I have to hold it together. My survival depends on it. ‘I feel safe here.’

‘I’m glad about that, but if you go anywhere without me, text or phone me so I know where you are. That way, if something happens, I’ll be able to find you.’

‘Thanks.’

‘You don’t have to thank me.’ He shrugs casually, but a note of vulnerability filters through his voice. ‘It’s what friends do, isn’t it?’

~~~~

‘I’ve left Liam,’ I tell Dr Drew.

He raises his eyebrows slightly. ‘And how do you feel about that?’

‘I don’t know. I haven’t had much time to process it, really.’

‘Do you want to think about it now? We have time.’

I stare over his shoulder out the window. ‘It feels like I’ve been living in the middle of a volcano for years. I’ve been drowning underneath molten lava that’s bubbling away, threatening to erupt at any moment. Now the volcano’s gone off, and my life’s just exploded.’

‘Volcanoes are destructive. But they also create fertility and life. A natural cycle of growth.’

‘Yes.’ I nod. ‘I feel sad, of course, but I just feel this overwhelming relief, too. And I’ve got a little spark of hope. A flicker of excitement that there are new possibilities out there. My life doesn’t have to be controlled anymore. I can do what I want, say what I want, go where I want. I feel free.’

‘Then that’s a good thing. And you certainly look physically better than when I last saw you, so something must agree with you.’

‘But then there’s the other problem, isn’t there? The person still out there that I don’t know about. I mean, it’s weird, isn’t it? I left Liam before, and I don’t even remember. I must’ve gone through the same thoughts before, done the same things, and I can’t bloody remember it. And that’s the key, isn’t it? If I’m naturally retracing my footsteps, what would I have done next?’

‘Only you can answer that.’

‘But I don’t
know
the answer!’ I gnaw on my lip. ‘I remembered a little bit about dropping my phone at home before I left him. If I remember that, why can’t I remember anything else? Anything useful.’

‘Maybe you’re thinking about it too much. Sometimes if we stop thinking about a problem, the answer becomes obvious.’

‘How can I not think about it?’

‘I know it’s hard, but stressing and worrying will only make things worse.’

‘That’s always easy for people to say when it’s not their problem. I’m in limbo. Waiting for something to happen and watching for someone I don’t even know exists.’

‘Do you want to go over the things you’ve told me and see if we can find the answer together about where you might have gone?’

I sit up in my seat. ‘Yes. If it might help.’

‘All right, let’s see.’ Dr Drew clasps his hands together over his stomach. ‘You left Liam and went to Sara’s.’

‘Yes.’

‘You bought some food and supplies.’

I nod.

‘Then you spent the night in her spare room, and the following day you went missing.’ Deep in thought, he steeples his fingers. ‘You’d circled some flats to rent because you didn’t want Liam to know where you were and cause trouble when he found out you’d gone.’

‘That’s right.’

‘You called the first number you marked, but it was above a pub and you didn’t like the idea of that. The second and third flats were already taken.’

‘Yes.’

‘Then you presumably left Sara’s house without your purse or bag.’

‘Why wouldn’t I take my purse with me?’

Dr Drew tilts his head. ‘You couldn’t have been going shopping without any money, so that rules that out. You could’ve been just visiting a friend. You could’ve gone back to your house to collect more items. You could’ve gone for a walk.’

‘I don’t think I would’ve gone for a walk.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t walk to clear my head or get perspective on things like some people do. Going for a walk wouldn’t really achieve anything.’

‘Could you have gone to the college? To see your boss or a colleague?’

I know now I didn’t go to see Theresa, but Jordan…would I have gone to see him? To tell him I’d left Liam? No, he would’ve mentioned it, wouldn’t he? And I told him I needed time to get my head together. ‘I doubt it. I would’ve wanted to get on with things. Arrange things. Start organizing my new life without Liam.’

‘Exactly!’ He holds a finger up. ‘From what I see, I think you want to take control of your life. You made the decision to leave Liam, and your first instinct was to go to Sara’s for some breathing space. The next instinct was to phone your bank and give them her address so you could have some sort of financial security without Liam knowing.
Then
you looked at flats to rent.’

I frown. ‘Yes, but that still doesn’t help me, because I’ve now hit a brick wall.’

‘I think you already have the answer in here, my dear.’ He taps the side of his head. ‘Would you have given up looking for somewhere to live just because those rental properties weren’t an option?’

I think about it. ‘No, I suppose not.’

He smiles. ‘So that would be your logical next step. You were actively seeking somewhere to live.’

‘But where? Where would I have gone?’ I lift my hands in the air in a questioning gesture.

‘Where can you find a multitude of places to rent in one place?’

‘An estate agent.’

‘Exactly. That’s where you should start. Would you have wanted to stay in the area or move somewhere else?’

‘I’d want to stay here. It’s closer to work, and I know the area.’ I think of the town centre. Loads of estate agents are there.

‘Then that’s the next step. You just have to see where it leads you.’

30

I think about phoning Summers and telling him about the estate agents but decide against it. It’s not as if I have concrete proof of a crime happening yet, so he’d just fob me off anyway. He isn’t going to save me, and he can do nothing that I can’t. No, it’s simply a matter of seeing if someone remembers me.

When Jordan comes back from college, we walk into town. He offers to drive, but I would’ve been walking before, so I want to relive it as accurately as possible in case it sparks off a memory. We hit the town centre from the same end I would’ve arrived at from Sara’s. Two shops down on the left is the first estate agent. Jordan opens the door, and we step inside.

The place has four desks, all empty. As we close the door, a suited man in his early twenties, who smells as if he’s poured half a bottle of aftershave over himself, appears through a doorway at the back, chewing something.

‘You caught me eating my lunch!’ He grins sheepishly. ‘We’ve got two people off sick with this flu bug that’s been going around, so I’m trying to do everything.’ He shakes first Jordan’s hand then mine. ‘I’m Guy, how can I help?’ His gaze lingers on my face for a moment longer than necessary. I’ve covered my skin in concealer and foundation to try to hide the scratches, so I don’t know if that’s what he’s looking at or whether he recognizes me.

‘I was wondering if you remember me coming in here nine days ago?’ I ask. ‘I was probably looking for a place to rent.’

‘Probably?’ He tilts his head, seemingly unable to tear his gaze away from my face. ‘Don’t you know?’ He laughs.

‘No, I had an accident, and I can’t remember. I looked different, though. My hair was long and dark.’

‘Oh, sorry to hear that.’ He looks awkward then. ‘Um…I don’t remember you, but you could’ve seen one of the other members of staff. As I said, they’re off sick this week. You can come back another time if you like and ask them.’

‘It’s pretty urgent I find out.’

‘Let me just check our database and see if any of them added you to our mailing list.’ He leans over a computer screen at one of the empty desks and types in a few things. ‘What did you say your name was?’

‘Chloe Benson.’

‘Right.’ More tapping. ‘Well, I can’t see your name on here, so you probably didn’t come in. We do try and get everyone on the database so we can send out details as soon as any property comes in.’

‘Could you possibly ring them at home for me, just to double check? Maybe they forgot to add me to the list for some reason.’ I give him a pleading smile.

He gives me a strange look. ‘Wow, you’re really desperate for a rental, aren’t you?’ He shrugs. ‘I suppose there’s no harm in phoning them.’ He waves a hand at a couple of chairs in front of the desk. ‘Have a seat.’

I chew on the skin at the side of my finger while we wait, listening to Guy as he tries to explain to his colleagues what I’ve told him and then give a description of me.

Ten minutes later, we’re back on the street. No one remembers me.

Jordan points to an estate agent across the road. ‘Let’s try in there.’

Two women sit behind desks. An older woman with severely cut short hair and glasses is on the phone. The other one, with a black ponytail and heavy makeup, gets up and greets us with a smile. ‘Can I help you?’

‘Yes. Do you remember if I was in here nine days ago looking for a place to rent?’

She scrutinizes my face for a moment. ‘Which property were you interested in? Or did you just want to go on our mailing list?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I definitely did come in. Do you remember me? My hair was different, though.’ I smooth a hand over my head. ‘It was long and dark and wavy.’

She glances at Jordan questioningly before dragging her gaze back to me. ‘You don’t remember?’

I sigh impatiently, sick to death of explaining. ‘I’ve lost my memory. I had a head injury, so I can’t remember whether I came in here or not. That’s why I’m asking if you recognize me.’

‘Oh. God.’ She tilts her head, appraising me again. ‘Um…I don’t think I recognize you.’ Her colleague puts the phone down then, and she turns back to her. ‘Sheila, do you remember this lady coming in about nine days ago looking for a place to rent?’