Looking for a Love Story (22 page)

Ellie turned on her side and tried to stop her racing thoughts. But they came anyway.
What will the woman do to me? How will she … but Benny says I mustn’t think about that. Benny will be there with me. Think about Benny. He says this is what I have to do. And he knows. Because Benny loves me, and … and he wants me to get rid of it … it … my baby…
. She sat up.
It’s not an it, it’s my baby!
It was as if a mist had been lifted, and for the first time in days she could see clearly.
I can’t do it
. The thought was so simple.
I won’t do it
.

The nausea was gone. She got up from the bed, and ran out of the room and down the hallway to the room Benny shared with Joe. Benny was going to be upset when she told him she couldn’t do what he wanted. She was prepared for that. He thought he’d solved their problem, and he wasn’t going to like hearing that he hadn’t. But she’d tell him how she felt, and when he understood, he wouldn’t want her to go through with it. Not her Benny, who smiled at her with his warm blue eyes and bought her hot fudge sundaes and made love to her. He’d said she was different from all the other girls he’d ever known. He’d said she was good for him, and he’d stayed faithful to her all these months. Benny loved her. And he wouldn’t do this to her. Not when he understood. She knocked on the hotel room door and said a quick little thank-you to heaven when Benny opened it and there was no sign of Joe. She and Benny could talk in private. She drew in a breath and began.

“WHAT DO YOU
mean, you can’t go through with it?” Benny demanded. His face had gone as white as the sheets on the bed behind
him. “You have to go to the midwife,” he said. “There isn’t any other way.”

“Yes, there is! I love you. And you—” But his eyes were dark and big with panic, so she couldn’t finish her thought. She couldn’t say,
And you love me
.

She was starting to shiver; she had to clasp her hands together to keep them from shaking. She’d been so sure she could explain this to him, so sure she could convince him, but now, as she looked at his stricken face, she was shivering. “There is another way, Benny,” she said. She waited for him to answer but he stayed silent. Finally she repeated, “There is another way.”

“I can’t do that.” She could barely hear him.

“Can’t do what?” He turned away from her. “What can’t you do?” she asked, and suddenly she stopped shaking. Her voice was low and calm. That was the way she reacted when the worst was about to happen.

“You know. I don’t want to hurt you, so don’t make me say it.”

But that was exactly what she was going to do. “What can’t you do, Benny?”

He started pacing—he seemed to be doing that every time he was with her. “I locked in the job with Keith’s, just a couple of days ago. When this tour is over I’m going to work in New York as an assistant booker.”

“And I’m going to have a baby.”

“I’m just getting started. Don’t you see? I’m finally on my way! I’m going to make it!”

“And you’re going to be a father.”

“Ellie, when we started out … in the beginning … I thought it was just for fun. But you’re the kind of girl—you’re everything I want. You’re beautiful, and you’re smart, and you’re classy…. And you make me happy.”

I think the same thing about you. Or I used to
.

“I thought we’d wait and see … and in two years … or even a year—” He was stumbling now. Benny never stumbled. He had the gift of gab. “We never talked about the future, Ellie! We never promised anything. You know we didn’t.”

And that was when she realized that he was right. A lot of words had been said, but none of them were about the future. And no promises had been made.

“Things have changed,” she said.

“They don’t have to!” He was pleading now. “I know how it must feel to you right now, sweetheart. You’re scared of … what’s going to happen today. But you’re not the first girl to go through this. It happens more often than you think. And it’ll be over in a few minutes. Afterward, you’ll know you’ve done the right thing.”

“I won’t.”

“Ellie, for God’s sake. I’m not going to be making a dime. I can’t afford a wife and a kid. Not now!”

“Other people manage.”

“I’m not
other people
, damn it! I thought you knew that.”

Of course she did. She’d loved him for it. But now she had to live with it. “I guess you finally said it,” she heard herself say. “You won’t marry me.”

“I can’t do it now.”

“And I can’t go to the midwife in Poughkeepsie.” She started for the door, but he stopped her.

“What are you going to do?”

She had no idea.

“You can’t have a baby on your own.”

“That’s none of your business anymore,” she said, and she walked out.

She went back to her room and lay down on her bed. She had all the time in the world now. She didn’t have to catch a bus. She
didn’t have to be in Poughkeepsie for a three o’clock appointment. She could stay here for the rest of the day and night, if that was what she wanted.

E
LLIE HAD NO
idea how long she’d been sleeping—she must have dozed off—when she was awakened by someone knocking on the door. She sat up fast. “Benny?” she said joyfully. She flew to the door and opened it and the joy died. Because it wasn’t Benny standing in front of her, it was Joe. And his expression was grim.

Joe looked at Ellie’s face and saw the traces of tears. She’d been crying again. She’d been doing that a lot lately. And of course he knew where to lay the blame. Every girl who fell for Benny wound up crying sooner or later. There had been times in the past weeks when he’d thought it served Ellie right for being a fool. Then he’d tell himself she was just a kid—not even seventeen—so he should try to understand. But then he’d get mad at her all over again. She should be smarter than that. Damn it, she
was
smarter than that.

He knew how quick and smart she was, because when he started telling his jokes about things he’d read in the newspaper she got the punch lines faster than anyone else. And once she’d even suggested some dialogue for him and Benny to say in the act, and they’d put it in and it always got a big laugh.

So why was a smart girl like that throwing herself away on Benny? Benny couldn’t love anyone but himself. It was because Mrs. Gerhardt died while she was still mad at him, and all the girls laughed at Benny when he was a kid—and there were probably other reasons Joe didn’t even know about. But why couldn’t Ellie see what a phony he was? Even if he did decide he was in love with her, Benny would never take care of her. Sometimes Joe would see her smiling at Benny with her beautiful eyes shining and he’d want to shake her.

And he had to admit that he was angry at Ellie for not realizing that he was the one who did take care of her. He saw to it that she had the bottom bunk on the train on the overnight jumps, and he made sure she had the best hotel rooms. He took care of her onstage too. He upstaged himself to make sure she got her one laugh, and he was always trying to come up with new bits for her that weren’t too difficult, so she would look good.

And what had she done? She’d started sleeping with Benny. After he’d found out, Joe told himself he was through looking out for her. When they’d checked into their new hotel, he had let the clerk book her into the worst room—he’d figured what the hell, Benny was spending his nights there, let him complain about the ceiling that was falling on her head. And Joe had let Ellie fend for herself onstage when Benny went up on his lines and didn’t feed her the right cue.

But then she had tried to act tough, like she didn’t care that she was sleeping in a dump, and she tried to pretend she didn’t care that she hadn’t gotten her laugh and instead she’d just looked young and hurt. And so beautiful. So Joe had made the desk clerk change her room, and he’d been real careful to set up her punch line the next night so she’d get a roar from the house. And she’d gone off to dinner with Benny after the show. And that night, after everything was quiet, Benny had made his way down the hall to her new room.

But then a couple of weeks ago, Ellie had started crying all the time, so Joe figured Benny had finally gotten tired of her. Joe told himself he wasn’t going to try to comfort her—she’d had a longer run than most girls did—and he had waited for the dust to settle. But it hadn’t. Instead, it looked like whatever had gone on between the lovebirds had caused a catastrophe. And now, Joe was standing in Ellie’s doorway, preparing to deliver some very bad news.

“Benny’s gone,” he said. “He packed up all his clothes and left. The desk clerk in the lobby says he checked out of the hotel. Do you know where he went?”

“New York City.” She started to cry some more, in big gulping sobs. And even though he’d promised himself he wouldn’t try to help her this time, that this time she’d have to face the consequences of her stupid romance on her own, he couldn’t do it. He walked into her room and made her sit down until she had finally sobbed herself dry. And then he made her tell him the whole sad, miserable story.

CHAPTER 21

Ellie was sitting on the edge of her bed. Joe was in a chair opposite her. It was funny, she thought. This was the second time she’d sat in this same spot and told a man she was going to have a baby. But this man wasn’t pacing back and forth and avoiding her eyes. This man was facing her. And after she’d told him about the midwife in Poughkeepsie he’d asked very calmly, “Are you sure that’s not what you want to do?”

And because he was so calm she was able to answer firmly. “Yes. I’m sure.”

He took a moment; then he said, “Benny won’t change his mind about marrying you.”

He could
, said her heart.
He could walk in the door and say he’d made a mistake. God could let him do that
.

“I know,” she told Joe.

“What are you going to do?”

“I thought … maybe one of my sisters …” But Dot lived in a room in a boardinghouse, and her landlady wouldn’t welcome a pregnant sister who had no husband. As for Florrie, her husband was so straitlaced, even if he did take Ellie in he would be ashamed of her and would lecture her about the disgrace she’d brought on his family. “I don’t know,” she said. She made herself smile. “I’m not the first girl to get into this pickle. What do the rest of them do?”

That seemed to make Joe angry. He jumped up out of his chair. “Stop that!” he said. “Stop trying to be a wiseguy!”

“Well, what do you want me to do? Cry? I’ve done that and it doesn’t help. Anyway, this isn’t your problem, so you better go.”

“Right,” he said and headed for the door. Then he turned back. “You can’t have a baby on your own.”

“Looks like I’m going to.”

“It won’t have a last name.”

“I think what you’re trying to say is, it’ll be a bastard.”

“I told you not to try to be tough.”

“You don’t get to tell me anything.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“How do you figure that?”

“Because … Look, Ellie, you’re in a jam, and I … can help.”

And suddenly, she knew what he was going to say. And she saw in his eyes that he knew she knew. “No. I can’t let you—”

“What else are you going to do? We’ll get married.” And for a quick second she thought she saw something else in his brown eyes, something she couldn’t understand. Then she thought how desperately she had wanted to hear those words from another man just a few hours ago.

“Why?” she asked.

She watched him decide not to answer. “That doesn’t matter now.”

“It does to me.” Then she added brutally, “I don’t love you, Joe.”

“I never said anything about love.”

“Then why?”

“Stop asking so many questions. You’re going to have a baby. It’s going to need a father’s name on the birth certificate. I can give you that. Take it. For the baby.”

“And what happens to you and me after the baby is born?”

“We stay together until you’re on your feet. Eventually one of us is going to want to get out. We’ll split up.”

“Get a divorce.” Pa would have said divorce was a disgrace. She didn’t even want to think about what her mother might have said.

Joe was reading her mind. “It’s better than the alternative.” Then his face got red. “And … if …” Now he was stumbling around. “If you’re worried about … I don’t expect …”

“I know,” she said quickly. Joe would never ask a girl who didn’t love him to sleep with him.

“So it’s settled?”

It was wrong to let him do this for her. For a moment she wondered if, in spite of what he’d said, he might be a little in love with her—which would make it even worse. But she couldn’t believe that. Joe had never been the least bit romantic with her; half the time she thought he didn’t even like her. There had to be some reason why he was willing to do this for her, but clearly he didn’t want to tell her. And no matter what his reason was, she couldn’t turn him down. He’d said there was no other way for the baby, and he was right. She told herself not to remember the time, just a few short weeks ago, when she’d thought that the day she got married would be the happiest of her life. “When?” she asked.