Looking for You (Oh Captain, My Captain #1) (10 page)

“No, baby, I swear, I didn’t tell you because I wanted to have a normal relationship. I didn’t want someone because of my money or who I play for. I wanted you, and I found you, and I fell in love with you.”

“Don’t,” I point my finger at him, “don’t you dare say that you love me right now. You’re a liar, and I don’t believe anything you say.” I can hear the hurt and anger in my voice. I almost didn’t recognize it.

“Ellie, it’s true.”

“No, it’s not. Here is what is true: I hate that you let me fall in love with you under a lie. I hate that I believed you. I hate that I’m so naïve that I didn’t know who you were. I hate that because of you I probably just lost my job because I can’t stand to be in a room with you.” I step closer to him and look him in the eye. “I hate you, Hudson.”

I see the hurt and sadness in his eyes, but I don’t care. I do hate him. He lied to me. I stare at him for another moment before I walk past him. He doesn’t follow me as I go to my car. I calm myself enough for my long trek home. I turn the music up loud so I don’t have to think about anything but the beat of the music.

I’ve never been so relieved to pull into my driveway. I rush into my house and slam the door. I go straight for my bedroom. I throw my heels into the closet with all my might. Then I practically tear the dress off me and fling it in the corner. I don’t ever want to look at it again.

I go into the bathroom and scrub my face of all the makeup. I’m still furious that when I’m done, my face is red. I slip on one of my nightshirts and go into the living room. I turn on my laptop and Google: Hudson King. There he is right there staring back at me. I begin to read all about him.

He did go to Boston College and major in architecture. I think back to that day sitting on the trail:

“Hey, I never asked you what your major was in college?”

“I majored in architecture.”

“Oh, you’re an architect!”

He never said he was an architect. I assumed that he was one. I shake my head. He wore a hoodie that day with his name on it. I should have questioned him about it, but I didn’t. I continue to read and see that he’s one of the highest paid captains in the league. I roll my eyes. Of course, I’m dating some multimillionaire and didn’t know it.

I read that the Vikings were having a rough season right around the time we first met.  I remember the first time I saw Hudson at Jim’s:

“Oh, what do you do?”

“Right now he is working with a bunch of uncoordinated monkeys,” Jim said.

“You work for the circus?”

“No, he means the people I work with are like uncoordinated monkeys.”

I close my eyes. I’m such an idiot. I even remember the look on his face when he thought I knew who he was. Why didn’t I know who he was? It isn’t like I’m Lacey and keep up with the latest gossip.

Lacey.

Lacey would have known who he was. I grab my phone, and ignore all the miss calls and texts and call her.

“I figured you were dancing the night away still,” she answers.

“I need to ask you something and I want the truth, please. I’ve had a very bad night.”

“Oh my God, Ellie, what is it?” Her voice is full of concern

“Did you know that Hudson is a hockey player?”

There is nothing but silence on the other end.

“Lacey, did you?” My voice cracks, but I already know the answer.

“I did know who he was that night. But I told him to tell you. I swear.”

The tears fall again. My best friend. “Why didn’t you tell me? I looked like a fool tonight.”

“Wait, where were you?”

“I was at the dinner. He was there as a special guest or something. My boss and his assistant coach introduced us. I left and probably lost my job too.”

“Oh no, Ellie, I’m so sorry.”

“Yea, well, maybe my best friend should have told me so I wouldn’t have to feel so betrayed by everyone.” I hang up on her before she can say anything.

I just sit there in the quiet. It reminds me of how alone I am. I close the laptop, and turn off my phone. I lay on my bed and cry myself to sleep.

Chapter Seventeen

Hudson

I absolutely hate that I watched Ellie walk away from me, that I let her go, but I have to get back to the event and maybe some time away from me is what she needs right now. This isn’t how I wanted her to find out. The look on her face was devastating with the hurt and betrayal staring back at me. None of my worst nightmares could compare to how I felt when I saw that look in her eyes. I desperately wanted to hold her and make her feel better, but I couldn’t.

There is one thing I can do right now and that is to make sure that Ellie doesn’t lose her job because of me. With a little time to spare before the event gets started, I find her boss. He even looks like an ass.

“Excuse me, Mr. Martin. Could I speak with you for a second?”

“Of course.” He follows me out into the hallway, muttering about how he wonders where his employee is.

“I need to talk to you about Ms. Sullivan.”

“You know where she disappeared to?” He asks.

“Yes, something very important caused her to go home early.”

“I’ll be damned,” he says under his breath, running a hand over his balding head.

“Please, whatever you do don’t fire her. She couldn’t help it and you’ve said yourself that she’s your best employee. I’m asking, begging you not to fire her.”

Jeffrey scrutinizes me and my pleading face for a second before he says anything.

“Please,” I add.

“Since it’s coming from you, I’ll take it into consideration.”

All I can do is hope that I didn’t cost Ellie her job. Underneath the smiling hockey player, trying to raise money for a children’s hospital, I’m an antsy man waiting to run out of here to fix this mess. If I can even fix it. Ellie said herself that she hates me. I deceived her, I deserve her hate and her anger, but she didn’t deserve to be hurt. Why didn’t I just grab her shoulders, tell her to shut up for a minute and listen and then tell her?

Because I’m a fucking idiot who procrastinates.

I’m supposed to see her tomorrow, doubt I will now, and then I’ll be back on the road for hockey. The longer I don’t see or hear from her, the worse it’s going to get, I’m sure of that. My mother said that eventually it’ll work out. Eventually. I hate that word almost as much as I hate myself right now. It’s late when I leave the fundraiser and I reluctantly decide to leave Ellie be for tonight. I’ll be at her house first thing in the morning though.

~ ~ ~

My coffee sucks, not helping at all considering that I barely slept last night. I tossed and turned the whole time. Ellie’s hurt expression permanently glued behind my eyelids, so I saw it every time I closed my eyes. Traffic is horrible and my mood makes it worse. I just want to see Ellie. That’s all. I don’t want to deal with bad coffee or traffic. Finally, I make it to her house. My heart rate increases with both nerves and a bit of excitement that I’m about to see her. I get out of my truck, walk up the steps, and knock on her door.

“What are you doing here?” She asks exasperated when she sees that it’s me.

I shove my hands into my pockets. “We need to talk. Please, Ellie.”

She stares at me for a moment. “Two minutes. Starting now.”

“It’s not an excuse, but I’ve been trying to tell you. I was going to tell you on the trail that day and you told me that you didn’t like pro athletes. I was going to tell you the day you thought I was married. Then I decided that no matter what, I would tell you today and you ended up finding out last night.” For some reason, I feel like if she knows that I’ve been wanting to tell her, it’ll make it a little better. Not really, but it’s worth a shot.

“So, you didn’t think that telling me that you're an NHL player and a multimillionaire was important? We were together more times than those couple of times you’re talking about, Hudson. Why did you lie to me?” Her voice breaks, ripping my heart straight from my chest.

“I only kept it from you because I was tired of being that person to women. You didn’t know and that meant you weren’t going to think of me as a captain or as a ‘multimillionaire’ or anything other than
me
. Hudson. I craved normalcy and because you didn’t know, you treated me as such. Can you honestly say you would have taken my number if I had of told you that day?” I’m almost positive that she wouldn’t have.

“Hudson, that day at Jim’s I liked you. I’ve liked you every moment since, up until last night. I don’t care about your money or your status. I fell in love with guy who didn’t push me into sex every moment he was around. I fell in love with the guy who watched Harry Potter movies with me. I fell in love with a guy who liked me for me.” She pauses and then adds, with sad eyes, “But I don’t know that guy anymore.”

“Yes, you do.” She has to know that. “I’m still that guy. I’ve always been that guy. Now, you know all of me instead of parts of me. I shouldn’t have hid that from you, I know. It just continually got harder to tell you, but our date today? I was going to show you one of the most passionate parts of myself, the hockey piece of my life. I wanted to share that with you and I’m sorry I didn’t do that from the start.”

“I should have known this from the first date. Do you know what I did last night after I ripped that fucking dress off? I Googled my boyfriend and found out everything about him. Everything that I had no damn idea existed. Only to find out that my best friend knew more than I did. And to find out that I am nothing but some naïve hick from Idaho. What did you do last night, Hudson? Mingle with the fancy, big city people?” She went from almost crying to glaring at me, radiating with anger.

“What did your web search tell you aside from the details of my job?” That was the only thing she didn’t know. “Ellie, I’m still me and I spent last night wishing I was already here with you. A beautiful, hardworking girl who thinks I’m overpaid, a girl who blushes and has takeout more often than cooking. A girl who likes a quiet evening on the porch and who wants to go to Paris because it’s the ‘City of Love’. Ellie, I love that girl and I was scared to let you see the hockey part of my life. Hockey isn’t anything like that at all, but it’s a piece of who I am. I’m so sorry.” So unbelievably sorry.

“Do you know why I think that about pro athletes? Because you don’t care about the outcome. If hockey is this great passion of yours, then why wasn’t I a part of it? Didn’t you care enough to share that with me?” I care so much, but I’m an idiot. Ellie keeps talking. “And yes, I’m all those things you say, but I’m also an adult. You should have let me make the decision to stay with Hudson, the hockey player, or Hudson, the regular guy. Instead, I was embarrassed in front of my boss, humiliated by my best friend, and the one person I ever trusted enough in my bed, lied to me and broke my heart.” Ellie’s hand grips the door tighter and I know she won’t listen to me much longer.

“Let me show you then. Let me make you a part of it like I was going to do today. Please,” I beg. I’d do anything she wanted me to do to get her back. Absolutely anything.

A steel resolve overcomes her instantly. She’s done talking to me and listening to my pathetic apologies. “Your two minutes are up, Hudson. Good luck in the playoffs, and I hope that you find what you’re looking for. I really do.”

Ellie slams the door and quietly, I say, “I’m looking for you.”

What the fuck am I going to do now?

Chapter Eighteen

Ellie

It’s been six days since that day on the porch. I haven’t talk to Lacey either. Hudson never texted or called me. On the other hand, Jeffrey did call. He told me that my job is there, but I couldn’t ever leave another event again.

Now, all I’ve done is work, come home, and cry myself to sleep. Even though, I slammed the door on Hudson, I miss him. He made me feel like a real person, and my heart is truly broken. I even watched some highlights from the games. I don’t understand what is going on, but according to the announcers, Hudson is doing great.

It’s Friday night, and I just want to sulk on my couch. I know in my head that I need to move on, but my heart won’t let me. I’m staring at the next Harry Potter DVD sitting on my coffee table. We were supposed to watch it last night, but we obviously didn’t. A knock on the door brings me back to reality.

I open it and almost stumble backwards. It’s the last person I ever expected.

“Are you going to stare at me or may I come in?” Whitney puts her hands on her hips.

I step to the side to let her in. “How did you find my house?” I ask quietly.

“Unlike you, I know how to use Google,” she smarts back to me.

“I know how to use Google. I didn’t think I had to use it for my boyfriend. I mean, ex-boyfriend.” I cross my arms to protect my heart. I don’t know why she’s here, but I don’t feel like talking about Hudson.

“Well, I’m here because I’m worried about my brother, and you’re the one person that can fix it.”

I shake my head. “I can’t fix anything.”

“Let me speak first.” She puts her hand up to stop me from talking. “We all told Hudson to tell you right away. We knew you would eventually find out. What he did was wrong and none of us blame you on that part.” I stare at her eyes as she continues. “However, it’s your fault he is in the depressive state that he is in right now.”

“Me? What did I do?” I’m shocked that she’s blaming me.

“Ellie, my brother loves you. I’ve never known my brother to love anyone besides us. You’re mad because he didn’t tell you about his career. But that isn’t all of Hudson. You saw the real Hudson. The one that only a few of us know exist. Now, you have the chance to see all of him.” I feel the tears burning my eyes. She pulls something from her pocket. “There is a big game tonight, and I want you to be my guest.” She hands me a ticket. On the front of it is Hudson. His face is full of determination and is fierce.

“I don’t want to go.” I try to hand her the ticket.

“This isn’t a debate. The game starts in a couple of hours. Traffic is heavy since it’s the playoffs. So you should leave soon.” She turns and leaves.

I stand there in my living room, holding the ticket. My heart is broken, but the words are sinking in. The same words that Hudson said. I mentally went back and forth on whether to go or not. I need a voice of reason, but I haven’t talked to her in a while.

“Oh my God, Ellie,” Lacey answers the phone.

“Hey,” I say quietly.

“Ellie, I’m so sorry. I should have told you right away. I hate that we aren’t talking.” She is talking so fast I can’t get a word in.

“Lacey, I need a huge favor?’

“Name it. Anything you want.”

“What do I wear to a hockey game?”

~ ~ ~

Whitney wasn’t lying about the traffic. It’s bumper to bumper all the way to the arena. I make my way through the ticket line, and I head in. I soak in everything. There are people everywhere, young, old, and in-between. I see so many wearing Hudson’s jersey, and it brings a small smile to my face. The fans must really love him.

I look up and see Hudson’s face hanging on numerous banners. He’s wearing that steel hard face. It isn’t the face I know. I know the soft, loving face. I look at my ticket, trying to find my seat. When I can’t find it, I ask the attendant.

“That’s a family ticket. You’re in the box. Go to the end, up the stairs, third door on the left.” I thank him and head in the direction he told me to go to.

When I find the door, it’s closed. Do I knock or just go in? I decide to walk on in. The first thing I notice is that it looks like a small boardroom. There is food and a bar to the left, large leather chairs in front of me and to the right it’s all open to see the crowd. I gasp, looking out to the arena. Whitney turns and smiles.

“Well, you missed warmups but the game is about to start.”

“Whitney, stop being mean,” a short, older female says. She is sitting by the bar. I know right away that she is Hudson’s mom. She has the same hair color and the same chocolate brown eyes. “I’m Wendy King.” She walks over to me and shakes my hand. “You have to be Ellie.” I nod. I can’t believe that I’m meeting Hudson’s mom, especially under these conditions. “I know this seems strange, but Hudsy told us everything that happened. I’m glad you came.”

I give her a small smile when she says ‘Hudsy’. It’s the cutest thing ever, the way she says it.

“Hey, the game is about to start,” Whitney announces.

Wendy loops her arm in mine and leads me to the leather chairs. “I know that you’re still mad at my son, and you have the right to be, but I wanted you to see this before you made your final decision on him.” Wendy pats my hand as we sit down.

I’m not sure what to say. I just look at the massive ice rink in front of me. “I don’t know anything about hockey,” I say.

“Hockey is an easy sport to follow,” Whitney says.

“Does...does he know I’m here?” I fiddle with the hem of my shirt.

“No, he doesn’t. This is just my way of getting to know you better.” Wendy gives me a kind smile. “Hudsy has told me a lot, but I wanted to know the real you.”

My attention is pulled from her when the crowd begins to roar. I look out and every person is standing and cheering. When I focus on the rink, I see navy blue jerseys as they skate onto the ice. It’s the Portland Vikings. I feverishly search for number fourteen. When my eyes see him, I almost cry. He’s skating around with a hard look on his face. When his face comes up on the massive screen in the middle of the arena, I can tell that he’s tired.

“Are you ready to learn some hockey?” Wendy leans in a little towards me.

I nod. They go on to tell me there are five players on the ice at all times and one goalie. They explain that there are three periods and two intermissions. They even tell me what the lines on the ice mean.

“Hudson has played a long time if you know all that,” I quietly say.

“All my children played hockey. My husband and I are huge fans. Ethan played, even through college, but he fell in love and chose a different path. Whitney played through high school.”

“But I got tired of it,” she adds.

“However, Hudson was different. The moment he touched the ice, it was like he was home. We put him in a pee-wee league when he was about five, and that was it. After his first game, he told everyone he was going to be in the NHL.” She smiles proudly, talking about her son.

“Here we go.” Whitney points to the ice.

I can see Hudson in the center getting ready for what I was just told is a faceoff. I lean forward and watch as Hudson and the other members begin. Hudson gets the puck and skates like he was hit by lightning down the ice.

“Oh my God.” I look at his mother.

“Yeah, he skates pretty fast,” she confirms without me saying anything.

I look back out on the ice and watch as everyone fights for the puck. That is when I notice that almost everyone has a beard. “Um, is it a hockey thing to have beards? When I met Hudson, he didn’t really have one,” I ask shyly.

“Hockey players are extremely superstitious. When your team makes the playoffs, they don’t shave. They’re called ‘playoff beards’,” Whitney explains to me.

Everything is beginning to make sense to me. I still can’t believe that I didn’t pick up on the hints and clues. After a little bit on the ice, he jumps over the wall and sits down.

“Is he hurt?” I ask them both.

“No, nothing like that. Each shift only goes out for a little bit. Keeps them from getting worn out,” Wendy explains.

I watch the game and keep an eye on Hudson. After several minutes and no score, he comes back on the ice. I can’t believe how fast he is, and he looks so graceful. I remember that day on the trail:

“Are you not a runner?”

“No, I mean, I run, but in a different fashion.”

This is what he meant. He is a fast skater, not a fast runner. I watch in awe of his ability. He’s standing close to the wall when a player from the other team slams into him, knocking him into the wall. Hudson falls to the ground, and I jump to my feet, gasping. He has to be hurt, but instead he hops right back up.

“Ellie, sit down, dear. He’s fine,” Wendy coos.

“But did you see that?” I point to what happened as I sit back down.

“It’s called being slammed into the boards. It’s a move all players do. The point is to regain possession of the puck,” Whitney explains.

I can’t even speak. What if he got hurt? How would I handle that? Wait, we’re not together. He lied to me, and I should still be angry.

As if she is reading my mind, Wendy pats my hand, bringing my attention to her. “Deny it all you want, but you’re wrong. Your heart belongs to Hudsy, and his belongs to you.”

She’s right. I love Hudson. I love the real Hudson. I love the guy I almost pepper sprayed, the guy I whipped in the face with my ponytail, and the guy who held me at night, never asking for anymore. I swipe the tears away as Whitney hands me a napkin.

“Oh, sweetie.” His mother embraces me. I stop the tears from flowing as the sounds of the arena surrounds us. “It will be okay. If it’s meant to be, then it will happen,” she whispers in my ear.

I freeze and sit back. I stare at her wide eyed. “What did you say?”

She smiles and repeats, “If it’s meant to be, then it will happen.”

“Ellie, are you okay?” Whitney asks. “You’re white as a ghost.”

I nod. “My aunt used to say that all the time. She always thought that everything happened for a reason.”

“That’s true. Even though what my son did was completely wrong, it happened, and there is a reason for it. Even if we can’t see it now,” Wendy says.

The sound of the horn startles me. The first period is over. I watch as everyone skates off the ice. Hudson waits to be the last one off the ice, and I stare at his number fourteen as he goes into the tunnel. Through intermission and the second period, Wendy, Whitney, and I talk. They ask me all about my life, and I ask about theirs. I don’t think I’ve talked that much at one time, ever. We even laughed a few times.

By the time, the third period starts, there is still no score. I can’t believe how intense this game is. None of us say a word as we watch Hudson and the players’ battle for the puck. I cringe every time someone hits Hudson or he hits someone. I don’t want him to get hurt.

There is less than a minute on the clock, and I’m not sure what is going to happen.

“What happens if no one scores?”

“They keep going until someone does,” Whitney declares.

Just then there’s a loud boom, and the crowd is screaming. I look up at the screen and see that Vikings have scored. We’re jumping up and down, even though it wasn’t Hudson that scored. There is just a few second left, and when the final buzzer sounds, the Vikings have won. I watch the celebration on the ice and see their smiling faces on the large screen. I’m so happy for him.

“Ellie,” Wendy touches my arm, “we’re going to head down to him. You’re more than welcome to come with us. Now, I won’t lie to you or my son. I will let him know that you were here, and what an amazing person you are. I know my son did wrong, but I hope that you can forgive him soon. He loves you, and I know you love him.” She hugs me tightly and heads for the door.

“Do you want to come down?” Whitney asks.

I shake my head. He needs his family right now, not me to complicate everything.

“I didn’t figure you would, but I want to give you this.” She hands me a piece of paper.

“What’s this?”

“Hudson is off the next two days. He has practice in the morning, but nothing else planned. That is his home address and the code to get into his building. I figure that you should have it. You know, in case you need to talk to him.” She winks at me before she turns and leaves me.

I take a deep breath before sitting back into my chair. I stare out at the ice rink. This is Hudson’s life. The question is do I want to be part of it? I stare at the piece of paper in my hand. Hudson’s address. This is something that I’m not sure what to do with.

I stand up and head home.

~ ~ ~

When I get home, I take a hot shower and try to relax. I throw on an oversize shirt and head into the living room. I don’t feel like reading or doing anything for that matter. I just sit and listen to the silence. On the coffee table sits the movies that Hudson and I were watching. A smile pulls at my lips thinking we were only on the fourth movie.