Lord of My Heart (36 page)

He broke the kiss and looked dazedly at her.

“Yes,” she said. Her vow had been washed out in blood, for she was now his accomplice in treason, and she needed him.

“I won’t be able to stop,” he warned.

“I won’t want you to.” She tightened her legs and pushed at him. “Please . . .”

“Our room . . .” he said unsteadily.

“No!” she cried as frantically as she had earlier, but objecting now to any delay.

He shuddered, looked desperately around, then carried her, still wrapped around him, into a wall-chamber full of barrels. He sat her on one and forced her legs to release him.

Madeleine slumped back against the rough, cold wall behind her and closed her eyes, but she saw only blood, visions of blood. She opened them to see his face, flushed with desire but troubled. His hands trembled as he pushed back her skirts, as he ran them up her thighs.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

She was trembling as if she had a fever. She didn’t know if it was lust or guilt, but she needed him to drive it away. “Yes, yes. Fill me now!”

His hands left to adjust his clothing, then he was in her. They groaned in unison. Madeleine clung to him, feeling the tremors shuddering through him, too. They must be rocking the very castle walls.

“Wrap your legs around me again, love. Hold me tight.”

She obeyed, using her legs to demand a fiercer loving. It wasn’t enough. She could still see the blood. “Take me,” she gasped. “Harder!”

“Mad . . .”

“Harder!” she cried. “Harder!”

He smothered her desperate voice against his chest. “Hush, love. Hush.” But he responded to her urging and pumped into her, hard and fast.

At last it came, the oblivion she sought. He drove her beyond speech, beyond thought, plunged her into an abyss of violent passion.

When reality returned, he had her cradled in his lap, safe in his strong arms. He was stroking her hair and singing a gentle, lilting song. He had never been so tender before, and she had so longed for it. Now it shot pain through her heart like an arrow.

“What is that song?” she whispered.

“It’s a shepherd’s song to a lost lamb he’s found.”

Madeleine moaned. “I ... I always wanted you to sing just for me . . .” She broke into bitter tears.

He held her and stroked her and murmured anxious soothings until the tears stopped. Madeleine had never felt so cherished in her life, but it could not last. She would have to tell him. Still burrowed against his chest, she whispered, “I’m damned.”

His hand stilled. “By the Rood, Madeleine,” he said with careful patience. “Is all this over that silly vow?”

“It wasn’t silly,” she protested hopelessly, “but it doesn’t matter anymore.”

His hand stroked her again. “Good. So what has damned you?” It was lightly said, indulgently.

She came out of hiding and faced him. “I ... I’ve killed someone.”

He merely looked puzzled. “What do you mean?”

Madeleine suddenly realized the time that must have passed, and pushed out of his arms. “Oh, Mary. We’ve got to do something. I left your knife in him!”

He was staring at her, but more seriously now. “Who? What have you done?”

“Hengar, the forester. He was going to tell the queen you were Golden Hart. I killed him.”

“With my knife?” he said alertly. “Where?”

“In the stables.” She grabbed his hand. “Come on. We have to get the knife out!”

He caught her and held her. “Are you sure?”

“I know when someone’s dead,” she snapped.

He shook her. “Then we had best be careful. We can’t go charging down there. For one thing,” he said with a little smile, “we have just missed the meal.”

Madeleine looked around and realized people were leaving the hall. “Oh, Jesu.”

“I think that’s the least of our problems. Our excuse is that you were not feeling well. I’ll escort you to our chamber, then I’ll go and see to the corpse.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“No.”

After a look at his face, she accepted it and let him steer her gently up to their room. Occasionally he gave a word of explanation to someone, that she was sick.

Madeleine felt strangely apart from everything, as if she were made of mist. It wouldn’t surprise her to be invisible. She looked at her hand and was astonished that it still looked solid and strong.

He sat her on the bed and poured wine for her, forced her to drink it. She came back to reality, and misery.

“They’ll burn me,” she said.

“Not unless you’re married to him,” he responded, almost as if he was finding the situation amusing. “Tell me exactly where you left the body.”

She described it. “What will you do?”

“Get the knife. Once that’s gone, there’s nothing to connect him to you.” He kissed her gently, then shook his head. “One day I’d like to make slow, beautiful love to you in a bed, Madeleine.”

“I’m a murderess,” she protested.

He grinned. “I’m coming to like the thought that you killed for me, love.” He rose to his feet. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He stopped and returned to grasp her chin. “You are not, under any circumstances, to confess your sin while I’m gone. Do you understand?”

She thought of arguing. She needed to tell the world of her wickedness, to be punished and absolved. But she nodded.

Once he had gone, she lay back on the bed. Fight it as she would, the memory of Hengar’s death throes haunted her. He had been a horrible man, but that gave her no right to kill him, not even to save her husband.

Then she thought of that ferocious lovemaking and pressed her hands to her face. It had been as if she were possessed by devils. And he was disgusted with her. He wanted ordinary, orderly lovemaking, and she forced him to that.

The queen came to see her. Matilda was not angry at their absence, but roguish. “I send your husband to find you and lose the pair of you. Do you intend to feed on love?”

Madeleine knew her burning face told all. “I beg pardon, Your Majesty.”

Matilda chuckled. “What it is to be young and lusty. I will have some food sent to you. You obviously need your strength. Where is Aimery?”

Madeleine swallowed. “He had to go and check on one of the horses.”

“I’m sure he’ll be back right speedily, so I will leave you in peace.”

The food came, but Madeleine could not face it, though she drank steadily of the wine. Dorothy and Thierry both came to see if they were needed and were sent away.

At last Aimery returned. “We have a problem.”

Madeleine sat up. “Someone found the body?”

He nodded. “Yes. And the knife was already gone.”

“A stable groom found the corpse, and he swears there was no weapon. I can see no reason for him to lie.”

“What will happen now?”

“The sheriff is looking into matters. I identified Hengar—it would be suspicious if I didn’t—but said he had no business here. Did anyone see you in the stables?”

She shook her head. “No ... at least, I don’t think so ... I wasn’t trying to hide . . .” Her teeth were chattering.

He came to sit on the bed and took her twisting hands. “Except from me. Don’t fret, Madeleine. If they bring it all back to you, you must simply say he attacked you.”

She pulled her hands free, remembering that this was all his fault. His treason. His adultery with Hengar’s wife. “A lie? You don’t like lies.”

“True enough, but is it a lie?”

Madeleine shuddered. “He attacked me, but only because I said I’d tell all Baddersley what he intended. And what he intended was a loyal act!”

“What he intended was petty spite,” Aimery said levelly. “Hengar is no lover of Normans.”

Madeleine glared up at him.
“Was.
And you know a lot about him, don’t you? If he was spiteful, it was because you can’t keep your hands off Aldreda! For that you’ve dragged me down into treason with you.”

He stood up sharply. “I haven’t dragged you anywhere, woman. Next you’ll be claiming I raped you this evening, when if anything, it was the other way around.”

Madeleine hid her face. “Don’t. I can’t bear the thought!”

Why, she thought, were they squabbling when they were finally bound together, even if it was only in evil? She heard the door close and looked up to see he was gone. Madeleine shivered as if an icy wind had cut through her.

What was to become of them? What of her vow? She supposed it still stood, but in their present situation it had no meaning. He didn’t need to seduce her into loyalty, for he now knew she was loyal to him to death and beyond.

He had said he would not lie with her if she did not trust him, but lust had overcome him. She felt the same way. More than ever she needed to join with him, as the only solid point in a quicksand world, but what kind of loving would come, she wondered, from such poisoned ground? More of that mindlessly violent rutting? She had needed it then, but now she cringed at the memory of her behavior. He said it had been like a rape, and he was right. Pray God she had not conceived a child in such a way.

There was a bath house in the castle, and Madeleine sought it out. The woman there filled a curtained tub with hot water, and Madeleine scrubbed herself fiercely, scrubbing away the memory of blood, the smell of sex, scrubbing until she was red and sore as tears washed down her face.

“Lady Madeleine.” It was the voice of the bath woman.

“Yes?”

“The queen has sent for you.”

Madeleine froze. Had it all come out already? She stilled the sudden tremble in her hands. So be it. She must try her best to keep Aimery out of it, for he was the one in real danger. She could easily say that Hengar had attacked her, and all would be well as long as no one looked too closely at his motives. She realized the most compromising feature was that she had not reported the attack.

She climbed out of the tub and accepted the drying-cloth. It would be easier if she had to face William, for she could pretend to be a gentle maiden overwhelmed by violence. She suspected Matilda would dismiss such an explanation.

Madeleine hurried to the queen’s chamber. She was admitted and found Matilda in bed, and Aimery already in attendance. He smiled at her, but Madeleine couldn’t tell if it was a feigned smile, or genuine reassurance.

“Madeleine,” said the queen. “You have heard of this foul deed?”

Madeleine had to think quickly as to whether she should have heard. Heavens, she was no good at this sort of thing. “Yes, Your Majesty. I have no idea what the man could have been doing here.”

“Nor has anyone,” said Matilda. Madeleine could tell the queen was tired and out of patience. “It would have been more fitting for you to concern yourself over your forester than to go off to enjoy a bath!”

Madeleine colored. “I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I didn’t think there was anything I could do.”

“I forbade her,” said Aimery smoothly. “She was not feeling well. We think she may be with child.”

Madeleine flashed him a startled look before hiding her surprise. It was a clever thing to say. It distracted Matilda and gained her sympathy.

“Good news,” the queen declared, then winced. “Though whether you’ll think so in seven months or so is another matter.” She rubbed her side. “This child is kicking my ribs to bits.” She frowned thoughtfully, then nodded. “We must leave the matter in the hands of the sheriff then, and hope this death is not connected with our train. Take her away, Aimery, and care for her. Perhaps she should not ride.”

Madeleine spoke up quickly. “I feel less sick when I ride, Your Majesty.”

Matilda snorted. “So you don’t like litters either.
Go
along with you.”

Madeleine and Aimery said nothing until they were safe in their room.

“That was very clever,” said Madeleine.

He shrugged. “It could be true. If not, such mistakes are easily made.”

Madeleine felt bone weary. She rubbed her arms, though the night was warm. “Will it be all right? What if someone saw me there?”

He came and gathered her into his arms. “It will be all right. If your part comes out, we’ll say he attacked you. If anyone contends it, I’ll make a court duel of it.”

“No! You can’t risk your life for me.”

“That’s my duty as your husband.” He grinned cockily. “Anyway, I’d win.”

“But your cause would be unjust. The hand of God would be against you.”

He sobered at that but shrugged. “Then that would be my
wyrd
.”

“Curse your foolish
wyrd.”
Madeleine shoved him away. “If only I hadn’t gone to the stables.”

“If only I hadn’t tried to force you. But if you want to look for God’s hand in this, look there. If you hadn’t gone to the stables, Hengar would doubtless have found a more sympathetic ear, and I could even now be in chains awaiting William’s judgment.”

Madeleine looked at him. “I know. I didn’t intend to kill him, but I think I would have driven the blade in deliberately if that was the only way of stopping him.”

“I know. That’s why I’ll pledge my life to save your honor.”

“But I’m damned. In intent, at least, I committed a terrible sin, and I can’t repent!”

He shook his head. “Don’t, Madeleine. We all kill if we have to. He was your enemy as surely as if he had faced you armed on a battlefield, and you cut him down. If that’s a damning sin, then heaven is going to be thinly populated. Get into bed before you collapse.”

Wearily, Madeleine obeyed. “But what of the knife?”

“That’s the interesting question, isn’t it?” he said as he joined her. “Perhaps it was just filched by a petty thief. It was a valuable enough piece.”

“Maybe,” said Madeleine, “but it feels more like the sword of Damocles.”

He took her hand. “I won’t let it fall on you. Trust me, Madeleine.”

Trust, ah trust. “I’ll try,” she said, and let sleep take her.