Losing Control (8 page)

I turned my back to him and slid up against him, pulling his arms around me so we were both facing the East. I thought about what he’d just said.
He doesn’t want to lose me right when he’s so close to getting to know me? He wants to help me find myself? He really was sensitive, and he wanted to get to know me, but what about what I want?
It did feel nice to sit here with him, though. I felt stupid that I’d wept in front of him but I did appreciate the way he held me carefully and let me get it out. I couldn’t help getting emotional every time I thought about my past relationships, Lex and his disapproving looks every month when I got my period. Jason when I asked him to leave my apartment in tears after I practically seduced him and then chickened out. And then I met Ethan, this great guy, sexy as hell, and all I wanted was to get laid, but he turned into Mr. Fucking Sensitive.
Will I ever have a normal relationship?

He rested his chin on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, “I’m so glad that we talked, at least we know what each other is looking for. I’m more than willing to give you what you need, and I’m hoping that you’ll trust me enough to open up and give us a real chance to get to know each other.” He squeezed me and kissed my neck. We watched, in silence, as the sun peeked up from the horizon, it was majestic. It reminded me of the artwork hanging in Mr. Evans’ office. I was feeling peaceful at that moment, and that was a rare feeling for me.

I turned back around, still on Ethan’s lap, wrapped my legs around him, put my hands on his beautiful face and kissed him, slowly, seductively, running my fingers through his hair. Everything about him felt strong and safe. I didn’t know why I felt safe with him. I guess it was the fact that he hadn’t taken advantage of me or my foolish behavior, even though that’s what I’d wanted. He put his hands under the back of my shirt and ran them up my skin. It felt nice and made me arch and put my face up toward the stars. This gave him the opportunity to kiss my neck, slowly up to my ear and back down again. I started to breathe heavier. Then he went slowly up to my other ear.

Every kiss was very deliberate and made me want more, but this time he whispered, “I want you, Gia. I want to give you what you need. Let’s go back to my place.”

I looked into his eyes. “Yes,” I whispered. “Take me there.”

Chapter 8

When we got back to Ethan’s house, he carried me inside and laid me on his fluffy bed. It smelled really fresh and clean. I watched him as he made his way around the room, closing blinds and pulling curtains shut. After each one he would look back at me as if he was waiting for me to change my mind or something.
No chance, this was my moment, I wanted to do this, I had to do this.
When he finished, he came to me and picked me up again.

He carried me to the bathroom and turned on the shower, never saying a word. My mind was racing, along with my hormones and nerves. He slowly pulled off my jacket and let it fall to the floor, watching my eyes, still waiting for a sign to stop. He wasn’t getting any. He unbuckled my belt and slowly pulled it all the way out. When it slid across my skin, it gave me a shiver and I took a deep breath. He let it fall to the floor. He knelt down in front of me, never looking away from my eyes and slowly pulled my boots and socks off. As I was looking down at him, I felt naughty. I liked that feeling, a lot. Carefully, he reached up to my waist and undid each button, one at a time, on my jeans. As each button popped open I could feel it in my chest like the drums in my favorite rock song. I felt nervous that I was going to be naked soon, but the excitement of the way he was undressing me slowly diminished that feeling. He pulled my pants down and I stepped out of them. His eyes were still locked to mine.

He stood and took the bottom of my t-shirt and slowly pulled it over my head and let it drop to the floor. Then he reached around and undid my bra in one easy motion. When his arms touched my bare skin, I could feel my nipples harden and became aware of the wanting and the wetness between my legs. Here I was in nothing but my panties in front of someone I’d just met. The nervousness was gone now and I was more than okay with it. My breasts were heaving and I was almost panting at this point.

He knelt in front of me again and very slowly pulled my panties down. I stepped out of them. He moved them aside and stood. I felt free, not embarrassed or stripped, because the way Ethan looked at me made me feel sexier than I’d ever felt. He pulled his t-shirt off. I wanted to look so badly but he hadn’t left my eyes and I couldn’t pull out. He kicked off his shoes and brought his feet up and took off his socks. I noticed how agile he was and wondered what moves he’d show me next.

He put his hands on his jeans button and hesitated—he was giving me every opportunity to stop, but this was what I wanted, what I needed. My eyes were asking him to keep going. He unbuttoned and unzipped, and down they went. He kicked them away. Our eyes were still locked. I could tell he was naked. I didn’t know if his underwear went with his jeans or if he wasn’t wearing any, and I could also tell he had a huge cock. I was so fucking turned on. I wanted to look at him, I wanted to touch him, why did he have to be so sensual?

He reached back and opened the shower door. I walked toward it. I had to leave his eyes, finally, to step in, and he followed. I turned to him, put my arms around him and started kissing him. He tasted delicious. My hands were exploring every inch of his upper body. His shoulders were broad and powerful, his back was smooth and soft, yet so strong and firm. His biceps were alive, bulging with every move he made. His chest was silky except for the nipples where I could feel his hairs tickling and teasing me. And his abs, fuck—his abs were tight and defined, unlike any I’d ever actually touched before. I found the goody trail and started to follow it, but just before I got to the goodies, he pulled away.

Our eyes locked again. He slowly squeezed shampoo into his hands, rubbed them together, and lathered up my hair, massaging my head. It felt so good I had to close my eyes for a moment. He took my hand and squeezed some shampoo into it. I reached up and massaged his head, his hair felt thick and healthy. I pressed my fingers hard against his scalp. He ever so lightly pushed me back so my hair was under the shower head. I closed my eyes and let it wash over me as he ran his hands through, rinsing the suds. Every time his hand touched the back of my neck, I got a tingling sensation between my legs. We kissed again, slowly, I pulled him to me so his head was under the water, too. I ran my fingers through his hair until it felt like the suds were gone.

I pushed him back until he was against the wall and kissed him more urgently, I could feel his hardness against my stomach and I wanted it inside me. I sucked on his tongue and bit his lip. Then I pulled back and I looked at him, all of him. I was right—his cock was huge. He finally looked at me. “Jesus, Gia,” he whispered. It was the first words we’d had since we left Sunset. I turned and shut off the shower.

I took him by the hand and led the way to his bed. Both of us were soaking wet. I pushed him down on the bed and opened his night stand drawer, assuming that if he had condoms, this was where they’d be.
Oh, thank you!
I pulled out a condom and opened it. I wanted to put it on him, but I had no experience doing that, so I handed it to him. I watched him slowly set it on the head and roll it down the shaft.
Fuck! That was sexy.
I climbed on top of him and started kissing him, hard. I was rocking my clit against his cock and I was on the verge of taking him in when he turned quickly and was on top of me.

“Fuck me now,” I said, pleading. Ethan looked into my eyes. He slowly put his cock right against my opening and very slowly moved his hips back and forth, putting pressure against me, but not entering me.

“Please, Ethan.” I tried to thrust my hips forward enough to feel him inside me. I arched my back and he leaned down and put his mouth over my hard nipple, sucking on it briefly before moving to the other side. I moaned. He pulled his cock away from me and kissed my stomach, then back up to my nipples, and he was against me again. He was driving me crazy.

“Ethan, I want you to fuck me.” I was looking right into his eyes. He pressed harder against me. “Yes,” I whispered, our eyes were locked. He was beginning to enter me—it hurt—but I still wanted it.

He pulled back, opened his night stand drawer, and grabbed some KY jelly. He put it on his finger and put it against me. He rubbed my clit and then slid his finger inside me, watching my eyes with every move. He put another finger inside me and I was losing my mind. He pulled his fingers out and rubbed some KY on himself, and then he was pushing against me again.

“Just fuck me now,” I whispered loudly. He pushed forward, he was partially inside me when he stopped, watching my reaction. It hurt, a lot, but I didn’t want him to stop. I had to do this.

“Please,” I said. I could feel tears running down the sides of my face. “Don’t stop.”

He went in a little more, pulled back and pushed forward again. I closed my eyes now. “Harder,” I said, but he didn’t move. “Ethan, I want you to fuck me harder, please!” I opened my eyes, he looked scared.

“I’m hurting you,” he whispered.

“No, I want this, please,” I begged.

“I can’t,” he whispered. “I’m hurting you.”

“Yes, you’re hurting me because you don’t want to fuck me.” I felt rejected.

“Please, Gia, don’t do this,” he said as he slowly pulled out of me. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. But I’m not going to hurt you. Let me take care of you in a different way, please.” And he knelt beside the bed, between my legs.

“No.” I pulled my body backward and onto the other side of the bed. “That’s not what I want, Ethan. It’s okay, I’m fine.” I looked down. I was embarrassed, ashamed. I wanted to go back to the motor home before the girls woke up so I could just sleep without having to talk to anyone. “Could you just take me to the campground? I’m really tired.”

“Gia,” he said. I was staring into my hands nervously. “Gia, look at me.” I couldn’t. “Gia, I know that didn’t go as either of us wanted, but it’s okay. We just need to take it slow and easy, not fast and hard. We’ll get there, I promise. Let me take care of you, let me give you what you need without hurting you, please.”

“No. It’s okay, Ethan.” I got off the bed and went into the bathroom and got dressed. I was so embarrassed. I had to get out of there. I had to sleep. I couldn’t think clearly.

I walked out of the bathroom and saw Ethan sitting on the side of the bed. He had put some shorts and a t-shirt on. When he saw me, he stood up and walked toward me.

“Gia—” he started, but I interrupted.

“Ethan, all I want to do is get some sleep. I can’t even think straight right now. I’m physically and emotionally drained. I’m fine, you didn’t hurt me. Please take me to the motor home.”

“All right, Gia,” he said softly. He was the one who was hurt, and it was my fault. He picked his keys up off the table where he dropped them when he carried me in. He followed me out and opened the truck door for me. We didn’t speak until he pulled up to lot sixty-nine.

“Gia, I still want to take you on that date later and watch the concert with you.” He waited patiently for an answer. I didn’t know what to say—I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t even look at him. I opened the door and got out, ran to the motor home, and went in. I heard him drive away.

All the girls were sleeping, thank God. I took my clothes off and got into my little bed. I curled up into a ball and fell asleep. I dreamt that I was still married to Lex. He came up here and found me at a concert. He started scolding me about drinking and smoking while we were trying to get pregnant. Everyone around us was looking at me. I started crying and said I was sorry, but he persisted.

“Don’t you want to have a family?” he yelled at me.

“Of course,” I said, “I’ve been trying so hard, doing everything just the way the doctor said. I just wanted a fun weekend to relax. Please don’t be mad.”

“Is that the kind of mom you’re going to be, too? Just run off whenever you feel like it to party with your friends? Well, Gia, I’ll just find someone else to give me a family. Someone who’ll make a great mom and wife, someone who’s not broken inside!”

No!
I woke up in a cold sweat. I looked around, everyone was still asleep. I lay back down and closed my eyes. Thank goodness Lex never said things like that, although it may have been easier if he had. The silence was one of the hardest parts, because then I just imagined what he was thinking and feeling, and that was brutal. His disappointed face every time I failed to get pregnant or had a miscarriage pretty much said it all. I dozed off again.

Chapter 9

I awoke to whispers and the smell of coffee. I didn’t open my eyes just yet. I was remembering where I was and what happened last night and this morning. I could hear Dana telling Jo and Brittany about our breakfast and the god who took me off into the “Sunset.” They all sounded so alive this morning, excited for a new day and a new adventure. I wanted to be part of that. I didn’t want to worry about what happened earlier. Was it so wrong what I did, what I said, what I wanted? No, it wasn’t. Why shouldn’t I be able to get a man to look at me like a sex object? I should! Someone who wanted me so badly that he lost all control and took me down and fucked me before he thought twice about it? I could! Okay, now I was part of the girls’ excitement. I knew what I had to do today and I was excited, too. The butterflies were fluttering.

“Good morning, beautiful ladies,” I sang when I opened my eyes.

“Holy shit, you got laid!” Dana said as she jumped over to me and then sat there with big eyes, wanting details.

“A lady never tells,” I said and pulled my blanket up over my face. I acted playful because I didn’t want them to see the truth about my half-lay.