Losing Me Finding You (10 page)

23rd December 1992

Sixteen years old

“God, I wish you could just come with us,” Ben says, pulling me against his chest.

I bury my face against him, wishing the exact same thing. “I know,” I mumble against his jumper. “Me too.”

“I can’t even believe I have to go,” he murmurs, his face buried against my hair. “I’m eighteen for fuck’s sake, I should not be holidaying with my family.”

I smile, knowing this is really his parents’ last-ditch attempt to hang on to their son. “You know it’s only because they know you’ll be leaving home soon,” I tell him. “Indulge them, Ben, they’re your parents.”

“I’d rather indulge you,” he says, nuzzling against me. It makes me laugh, the prickles of his chin brushing against my temple. “Are you going to be okay, though?” Ben asks, pulling back so he can look at me. “Really?”

I plaster a smile on my face. “Sure, I’ll be fine,” I tell him. “Well, except for the missing you part.”

“I’m going to miss you too, babe,” he says, his hands cradling my face.

“I know,” I say, trying to smile up at him.

“It just doesn’t seem right to go away like this,” he continues. “I barely get enough time with you as it is and I hate leaving when I know you’re still around, when you haven’t…”

He doesn’t say the words but I know exactly what he’s talking about. It already feels like we have so little time together as it is. Never really knowing how long it’s going to last for, because even though we know exactly when I’m going to disappear now, neither of us knows when I’m going to come back.

And what if one day I never come back?

“I’ll still be here when you get back, Ben,” I say, forcing the smile to stay on my face. I don’t want to put these thoughts in his head before he leaves; it’s bad enough that I already carry them with me. “And I’ll be here waiting for you, always.”

Ben’s thumbs brush over my cheeks, his eyes holding mine as he slowly leans in and presses a kiss to my lips. “You better be,” he whispers.

“Come on, Ben,” his dad suddenly shouts. “I need you to help me bring these cases down.”

“Fuck,” he says, pulling back. “I’m sorry, babe.”

I smile as I reach up, run my fingers through his hair. “It’s okay, really. Have a good time okay and I’ll see you when you get back on the fifteenth, right?”

Ben nods as he kisses me again. “Yes, the fifteenth,” he says. “So fucking far away.” It is and even though he hasn’t even left yet, I’m already counting down the days until he comes back. “You’ve got the keys for our house right, everything’s sorted?” he asks.

I nod, stepping back so we don’t just stand here forever. “I do. I’ll check the mail and feed the cat, promise.”

“And stay here whenever you want to,” Ben says, his face serious as he steps towards me and pulls me back into his arms.

“I’ll be okay, Ben,” I say, looking up at him. “Promise.”

I can tell he doesn’t believe me, his arms tightening around me and pulling me even closer. “I mean it, Evie. Anytime you’re scared or don’t feel safe, I want you to come and stay here. Anytime.”

I nod, trying to convince him. I know he’s talking about my parents. I don’t spend many of my waking hours at home, especially after the fire and Ben finding me again. It still drives him crazy what happened that night. I think deep down, a part of him blames himself, as though he somehow didn’t do enough to protect me. It’s crazy because until that fire happened, I didn’t even remember him. I might not like the parents I have in this life, but at least in some strange way they gave Ben back to me.

“Promise me you will, Eva,” he says again.

I can’t help smiling now, knowing he means business when he calls me that. “I promise,” I whisper, pressing up on my toes so I can kiss him again. “I’ll even sleep naked in your bed when I do,” I add with a smile.

Ben groans as he mumbles, “Tease,” before pressing his mouth hard against mine.

8th January 1993

Sixteen years old

“You are an ungrateful little bitch, you know that?” my dad shouts, reaching into the fridge to grab a beer before slamming it shut.

I back up against the counter, my fingers knotting together as I try to work out how I can get myself out of this one. All I asked was whether there was any bread so I could make something to eat.

“Why don’t you get a fucking job, buy your own bread?” he spits and I shiver at the look he gives me.

“I’m sixteen,” I say, knowing this is a mistake. “And in school.”

“Sixteen!” my dad shouts. “Sixteen! Do you know what I was doing at sixteen?” I shake my head, too afraid to say what I already know the answer to. I watch as he gestures towards my mother who’s sitting at the kitchen table nursing her own beer. “I was supporting her arse while she was knocked up with you,” he says, pointing at me now.

I watch as his beer spills, soaking the front of his shirt. He barely notices though, he’s already half drunk, having been drinking all day. That’s why there’s no bread, because all their welfare money went towards buying more beer.

“It wasn’t my fault,” my mum slurs, standing on wobbly legs. “Was hers.”

She’s walking towards me now and I’m frozen to the floor. I don’t understand how a simple request for bread has escalated into such a mess. I know what comes next and as I brace myself against the kitchen counter, I force my eyes to stay open, to watch her.

“Was the pair of you,” my dad grunts as he lowers himself into his seat. But I don’t hear anything else after that. All I feel is the sharp sting of pain as my mother’s hand connects with my face. I’m not sure if it’s a punch or a slap, it doesn’t really matter. And when I don’t move, when I force myself to keep staring at her, I watch as she does it again, harder this time.

Somewhere in the background, my dad laughs and it’s in that moment, that my eyes fill with tears and I know I have to get the hell out of here. Tonight isn’t just going to be a one-shot deal; tonight it’s become a game.

It rarely goes this way and usually requires some strange combination of a lot of alcohol and the pair of them getting along for once. When that happens, the anger and aggression they always seem to have isn’t inflicted on each other, but instead, it’s dished out to me.

I blink hard, trying to stop the tears from falling. I can’t show any weakness towards them, no matter what.

“Do you think it was my fault?” my mum asks me, swaying as she tries to stand. I shake my head and bite my lip before I blurt out the truth. “That’s right,” she says, taking a swig. It seems to steady her, as though the alcohol is the fuel she needs to focus all of her anger and energy in one cohesive way. “It was yours,” she adds on, before reaching out and hitting me a third time.

This time the force throws me back. My eyes finally close as my head hits the cupboard behind me and it takes a second before I realise that I’m still conscious. I really need to get out of here.

When I open my eyes, there are stars in front of them, but I can still make out my parents as they share a laugh, a mutual humour at my expense. I use the moment of distraction to run from the room, catch the end of my father’s, “Get the fuck back here, you little bitch,” before I slam the front door behind me.

Then I leg it down the street towards the safest place I know, grateful that I’ve still got the keys in my pocket from when I stopped off this afternoon. My parents don’t know where Ben lives; they barely even know he exists. They’ve only ever seen him over at our house on two separate occasions, but that was more than enough.

The first wasn’t too bad because both of us were walking out the front door as my dad came home from wherever he usually spends his days. He’d merely looked at us and grunted, “You better not knock her up,” as we’d walked past. I was embarrassed, but Ben was pissed and the second, more recent time, only fuelled that anger even more.

It had been one of those rare days when we’d gone back to my house after I’d finished one of my finals. Rachel had had a bunch of friends at their place and for once, I knew my parents weren’t going to be home, so we went there for a change. Ben and I had had the place ourselves. Total peace and quiet.

Of course we’d used this alone time to do what we spent most of our alone time doing these days. And for once, we thought we were actually going to get further than we had in a long time. Of course the minute my parents had stumbled in, we knew that wasn’t going to be the case.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” my dad had yelled, catching us on the couch, half undressed.

Ben had immediately jumped up and put his body between mine and my dad’s in a way that suggested he wasn’t going to let him anywhere near me. I’d tried to get in front of him, at the same time as I was doing up my jeans. The only saving grace in all of this was that my parents were drunk and so probably didn’t fully understand what they were really seeing. Unfortunately this also made them very unpredictable.

“You little whore,” my mum had slurred as she’d walked into the room, catching me pulling my jumper over my head as I threw Ben’s at him.

I felt Ben tense in front of me and as much as I would’ve loved to have let him unleash on my parents, I knew we had to get out of there. “Come on,” I’d said to him. “Let’s go.”

It had taken a minute or two to actually get Ben out of the room, but it didn’t stop my dad from picking up an astray and throwing it at us as we’d walked past. I remember hearing it smash as it hit the wall beside the front door and then we were running back to Ben’s house, no longer caring that Rachel and all her friends were there.

“Evie, fuck,” Ben had said, trying to get me to slow down. “Is that the kind of shit you have to put up with from them?” I’d dragged him down the footpath, not wanting to admit that was actually pretty standard behaviour from my parents.

“Evie, stop,” he’d said, having different ideas.

“What?” I’d asked, turning to face him. I could see the anger that was curling through him, the shock on his face at what he’d just seen unfold with his own eyes.

“Is that what your mum and dad are like all the time?” he’d asked. I bit my lip as I’d tried not to admit that actually, sometimes it was a lot worse. “Baby,” he said, his voice softening as he stepped closer. “Talk to me.”

I nodded, whispering, “Sorry,” as he brushed his fingers across my cheek, before he pulled me into his arms.

“Jesus, Evie, you don’t need to be sorry for anything,” he’d said, holding me to him. I’d spent the rest of the day at Ben’s house, only sneaking back into mine when it was past midnight and I was sure they’d have both passed out.

Now though, I was running towards no one. Ben and his family were still away at his grandparents and wouldn’t be back for another week. Luckily I had the key and a promise that I could always stay there, whenever I needed to.

When I finally reach their house, it takes me two attempts just to get the door unlocked and my hands are still shaking as I disable the alarm. Once I have, I lock myself in, reactivating the perimeter alarm and finally breathing a sigh of relief. I’m safe here.

I walk into the living room where Fluffy, their cat, is curled up asleep on the couch. I scratch her head, earning me a purr, before I walk out and slowly climb the stairs to Ben’s room.

The achingly familiar scent of him hits me as soon as I open his bedroom door. Even though my heart surges with longing, I know he isn’t going to be back anytime soon. Kicking off my shoes, I walk over to his bed and curl myself up under his duvet, my nose pressing into his pillow as I try to breathe him in.

I don’t cry and I’m not sure how long I lie here for, but eventually I fall asleep, safe in the knowledge that I am surrounded by Ben, and my parents can never find me.

9th January 1993

Sixteen years old

“Evie,” I hear Ben whisper.

I must be dreaming, but right now I don’t care. I’m wrapped in a warm blanket, surrounded by Ben’s smell. His fingers are running through my hair and I swear I just heard him speak.

“Evie, baby, wake up.”

My eyes open and I immediately realise I’m in Ben’s room, in his bed. When I roll over, he’s sitting beside me and I’m so happy to see him that I sit up, instantly awake and totally forgetting about the reason I’m here in the first place.

He’s smiling at me but when he sees my face, that smile quickly disappears. “What the fuck?” he says, his hands coming up to cup my face until he realises he can’t. “What the fuck happened, baby?”

I duck my head, a little embarrassed even though I have no reason to be. I know this shouldn’t have happened and I know I didn’t deserve it, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I also know that Ben will know exactly what’s happened and why I am lying in his bed with a bruised face.

I feel his hand as it slides gently along my other cheek, slowly tilting my head so I have to look at him. “Talk to me, Evie, please,” he begs and I can hear the pain in his voice now. See it written all over his face. I have no idea what he’s doing here; he’s supposed to be at his grandparent’s house.

I try smiling up at him, even though it hurts. “What are you doing here?” I ask. “You’re not supposed to be back for a few more days.”

Ben shakes his head at me, as though the reasons why he’s back early don’t matter. “Which one of them did this?” he asks, his voice harder now as he continues to hold my face and stare down at the ugly bruise I know has formed on my left cheek. “Evie?” he says, when I don’t say anything.

I blink, swallowing hard. “She did,” I whisper.

Ben’s hand slides to the back of my head as he pulls me close and wraps his other arm around my shoulders. I melt into his body, resting the cheek she didn’t hit, against his chest as he holds me. He feels so warm and safe and despite not ever wanting to be dependent on anything, I can’t help but feel like I’m home when Ben holds me like this.

“Are you okay, baby?” he whispers, his chin resting on the top of my head.

I nod, even though I’m not entirely sure I am. I don’t know if I can last another two and a half years with these people. I’m not sure if I’ll actually survive it.

“I can’t believe this has happened,” he says, his fingers running down my back. I close my eyes, curl my fingers in his jumper and pull him closer. I can feel his heart pounding beneath my cheek, as though he’s run home. I have no idea what he’s thinking right now.

“Wait here,” he suddenly says, pulling back now so he can look at me. “Just stay here and wait until I come back okay?”

“What are you going to do?” I ask, my voice rising in fear.

“It doesn’t matter, Evie. I just need you to wait here for me, okay. Wait. Here,” he says, emphasising his words. “I won’t be long.”

I’m shaking my head, kicking off the duvet as I try to scramble from his bed. “No, Ben, please. I don’t want you doing anything, don’t go over there. Don’t, please don’t.” I grip the front of his jumper with both hands, refusing to let go.

Ben puts his hands over mine and gently pulls them off his chest, lifting my knuckles to his lips where he places a kiss on each hand. “Evie, I have to, okay. I can’t stand back anymore, baby, I really can’t.”

“But, Ben,” I cry, my heart pounding. “What about you?” I ask, tears threatening. “I’m scared about what he might do to you.” My last words are a whisper, fear stopping them in my throat.

Ben leans in and kisses my lips. “Don’t be, I can take care of myself.”

“Please, please, just let me come with you?” I beg, knowing I need to be there to step in when this all goes to shit.

“No,” Ben says, shaking his head at me as he stands. “I need you to be safe, Evie. Please.”

“Ben…” I whisper, my stomach in knots at the thought of him going over there.

Ben bends down and presses a quick kiss to my lips and then he’s out the door and I’m left tangled in his duvet, wondering whether he really did just show up and hold me or if it was all just a dream.

But then I hear the front door slam, and I know that it wasn’t. As my fingers gently prod at the bruise on my face, the sensation of Ben’s touch still lingers. I can’t just stay here and do nothing. So, I slip out of bed, pull on my shoes and run down the stairs, closing the front door behind me and racing after him.

By the time I reach my house though, I wonder if I’m too late. I can hear the sound of yelling from the street. Three voices, all shouting to be heard and Ben’s voice, the loudest of all.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” he screams, so loud I wonder if the neighours will come out. “She’s your fucking daughter, you arsehole!”

Then my dad. “Get the fuck out of here, you little shit.”

And my mum. “Mind your own business.” Her words are slurred and I know she’s really drunk now.

It’s only just gone midnight, but they’ll probably be at it for several hours yet. My dad will take a little longer to reach her level, his heavy build meaning he can spend the entire day drinking before it really hits him. That’s actually worse, because it means I spend the whole day waiting to see what he’s going to do to me. At least with her, she drinks, it hits her, she hits me and then she passes out, finally leaving me alone. With Dad, it’s like watching that scary movie all over again, only this time it’s being played out in real life, right in front of my eyes. And I know there’s never usually any chance of escape.

I hear the sounds of something crashing into the wall and I’m about to run inside when Ben yells, “You’re a fucking disgrace. You should both be in jail.”

And then the front door slams and Ben is marching towards me, heading right to where I stand on the footpath in front of my house. He hasn’t seen me yet and I have no idea what he’s going to say when he does, his face is murderous right now. I step to the right, so I’m standing under the street lamp and as soon as I do, he immediately stops.

“Are you okay?” I whisper, my hands twisted together in front of me.

Ben shakes his head once and keeps walking, straight towards me. I don’t move and when he is in front of me, he stops, his hands reaching for and landing on either side of my neck as he leans down to kiss me. I expect his kiss to be hard, urgent, and it is. It’s filled with anger and fear, but at the same time, love and something else. I know he’s trying to hold back and I know he doesn’t want to scare me, but he’s pissed. He’s pissed at them and he’s pissed at what I have to live through each day. But most of all, he’s pissed that he can’t protect me from any of it.

Ben finally pulls back, his hands still on my neck. His face is calmer now, but it’s more like a mask, as though he’s desperately trying to hide what he’s really feeling so he doesn’t scare me. “I thought I told you to wait for me at home,” he whispers.

I give him a tiny smile. “When do I ever do as I’m told?” I ask, biting my lip as I press up on my toes to kiss him again.

I hear Ben exhale, almost in relief, as he murmurs, “Never,” just as my lips touch his. Our kiss is much softer this time, gentle, but still passionate. Ben’s lips are barely touching mine as he kisses me and my fingers finally untwist themselves and grab on to the front of his jumper, holding him to me.

A distant roll of thunder finally breaks us apart. “Let’s get out of here,” Ben whispers, his hand reaching for mine as he turns and starts to walk us both back towards his house. I’m going with him, of course I am. There’s no way in hell I’m staying here now, not after what just went down between him and my parents. Although I didn’t see any of it, listening to it all was bad enough.

Ben is focused and silent the whole walk back to his place. To anyone who crossed our path, he’d look determined and very pissed off. If I didn’t know him like I do, I certainly wouldn’t mess with him. But to me, he looks amazing. He looks like the man who would do anything to protect me, who would defend me without question and who would rescue me if I ever needed it. I never thought I did, but Ben has a way of surprising me when I least expect it.

It’s not until we reach his house that he finally stops again. Turning to face me, he doesn’t say anything, just pulls me into his arms, wrapping them tightly around me, but careful of my face. I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him closer as I bury my face in his chest and breathe in his scent. I know he’s still angry, but he’s doing his best to let it go, and I know that’s for my sake.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asks, kissing the top of my head.

“Me?” I ask surprised, pulling back so I can look at him. “What about you, Ben, are you alright?”

I watch as his jaw clenches and I think he’s probably very far from alright at the moment. I know he probably wanted to say more to them and I’m pretty sure he’d have liked to punch them both, but he didn’t because that would’ve only gotten us both in trouble.

“Ben?” I ask.

He unwraps his arms and slides his hands to either side of my neck. Smiling, he leans down and gently kisses first my lips and then the bruise on my left cheek, which is still throbbing with pain. “We should put some ice on this,” he says, kissing my lips again before he pulls me around the side of his house.

“Ben,” I say again. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

He turns and looks back at me as we round the side of his house into the backyard. “I’m okay, Evie, really. Wait here a sec and I’ll go and grab some ice.” He gently pushes me into one of the chairs on their back deck before he quietly opens the kitchen door into the house. I sit down and lean back, my eyes toward the sky where I can just see the stars trying to peek through the clouds. I get the feeling it’s going to rain any minute.

My eyes close as I think back over what happened tonight. We probably got lucky for now, but I’ve got no idea what tomorrow will bring, no idea the shit I’m going to face when I finally go back home.

The door opens and the next thing I know, Ben is kneeling between my legs in front of me, gently holding some ice, wrapped in a tea towel, against my face. I place my hand over his and for a few minutes we stay in this position, just watching each other. I reach out and stroke my free hand across Ben’s cheek and he smiles at me, watches as I lean in and kiss him.

“I’m okay,” I whisper. “Really.”

Ben kisses me again before he stands up and takes a seat in the chair next to me. It’s only now I notice the two beers he’s holding and when he hands me a couple of Advil with mine, I smile, swallowing the pills with a mouthful of the cold liquid. As I lean back in my chair, Ben takes hold of my wrist, his fingers wrapping gently around it, still cool from the beers he was carrying.

We both sit in silence as we drink our beers and stare at the sky. It’s cold outside, but I get the feeling both of us needs it at the moment. Eventually half my face feels completely numb and I stop holding the ice against it, moving my beer to that hand. Ben’s fingers slide down my arm to my now empty hand and thread through my fingers, lifting our joined hands to his lips. I turn to look at him in the darkness.

“Thank you, Ben,” I whisper.

Ben’s head rolls on the back of the chair so he’s facing me. “You don’t ever need to thank me, Eva,” he says, his voice a whisper in the darkness. “I promised I’d always look after you. I intend to keep that promise.”

I smile at him now, my face no longer hurting thanks to the ice, drugs, and beer. “I know you did. I remember the first time you made that promise to me.”

Ben smiles. “You do?”

“Yeah,” I say laughing a little. “I was five years old, remember? You wanted to walk me to school.”

“I did,” Ben says laughing as he takes a sip of his beer.

“It was adorable, I think I fell in love with you that day,” I say, still smiling. “I think my mum from that life did too actually.”

Ben’s eyes close as though he’s remembering that exact day, nearly thirteen years ago. “I fell in love with you the year before,” he says, his smile gone. “When we first met.”

My heart stops at his words and when his eyes open again, I’m held in his piercing blue stare, unable to look away. All at once, I’m falling just a tiny bit more in love with him. “You did?” I whisper.

Ben nods. “I did. Walking you to school, that was kind of like our first date, wasn’t it?” he asks, smiling.

I laugh. “Yeah I guess it kinda was,” I say bringing his hand to my lips.

“I haven’t stopped loving you since that day, Evie,” he whispers. “And no matter what happens or where you go, I won’t ever stop.”

I’m staring at Ben as I hold his hand, my lips resting against his knuckles. “No,” I whisper. “Me either.”

And I know that I never will. No matter what happens, no matter where I end up, I will always love him.

There is a sudden flash of lightning across the sky, lighting up the entire garden, followed immediately by a crack of thunder so loud it’s almost deafening. The storm that I thought was coming is much closer now. As I look up at the sky again, it is lit up by another bright flash of light.

“Shit,” Ben says, his fingers tightening in mine just as the skies open and the cold rain starts bucketing down on us.