Losing Me Finding You (20 page)

Eventually I pull back, sit down in the chair, still holding his hand in mine.

“You okay?” he asks, squeezing my fingers.

I shrug, because honestly, right now, I have no idea if I am. I know I need to be positive to get Ben better again, but right now this whole situation, and everything that’s happened, is just too much to take in.

Ben smiles at me. “You found me again,” he says, lifting our hands to his lips.

“Yeah,” I say. “Eventually anyway. Your sister wasn’t too keen on helping me out.”

Ben presses a kiss against the back of my hand. “She just doesn’t understand, Evie,” he says. “She’s protective, you know that. But she doesn’t get it, despite what I’ve said to her.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I say, shrugging again. “Your mum was good at least, she seemed to be okay. Paul too.”

“Paul?”

I nod. “Yeah, Paul. He’s the one who eventually told me, who brought me here today.”

“I’m really glad,” Ben says, moving my fingers so they brush over his cheek and the whiskers he has.

I smile back at him. “You need a shave.”

Ben’s eyes light up and my smile gets wider. “What I really need is a sponge bath, you volunteering?”

And I laugh as I squeeze his hand in mine. “Anything you need Ben, I’m here. I promise, I’m here.”

I’m not going anywhere.

12th March 2000

Twenty-four years old

I walk down the corridor to Ben’s room, carrying a bunch of magazines and CDs in one hand as I try to balance two cups of tea in the other. I’ve been spending every day with him, only leaving when I need to go and get stuff for him. It drives him crazy being stuck in bed, as I knew it would, so I’m constantly trying to find ways to distract him, keep him entertained.

Nick still calls me and I’ve been talking to him more and more. He’s dropped by my work to see me too, but I’ve taken time off to be with Ben. I’ve caught up with him a few times though, tried to explain to him that I’ve actually done the one thing he wanted, met someone. He wants to meet him of course, make sure he’s good enough for me, but at the moment Ben’s still too out of it and in too much pain for that to happen.

Plus for me, it’s all still too raw, too uncertain.

I don’t know if Ben and Nick will ever meet, I’d like them too, but until Ben is better, I don’t know how to make that happen. I’m still not sure of a lot of things, including what happens next between Ben and me.

“Shit,” I say as I drop a magazine on the floor. I bend to pick it up and as I do, another hand reaches out for it at the same time. “Thank…oh,” I say, looking up and seeing Rachel crouching in front of me. “Rach…hi.”

Rachel stands and I do the same. She hands me the magazine I dropped and I look down, take it from her hand, before looking back up. “How are you?”

Rachel blinks at me as though she doesn’t understand what I’m saying. “So you and Ben are really back together then?” she asks.

I swallow, not really knowing how to answer that; it’s not something we’ve actually talked about. “Yeah…I don’t, I mean…I’m not…”

“Even though you left him? Even though you just disappeared for four years?” she asks, the bitterness in her voice impossible to miss.

I can see how pissed off she is too and I know it’s because she doesn’t understand, doesn’t know the full story. “Yeah, Rach it’s not like…”

“How come, I mean, I don’t understand?” she says. “How can he just take you back like that?” Her words are harsh, but I feel like I deserve them. I bite my lip, trying to work out how to explain it to her, knowing it’s impossible to do without telling her the whole story. “Evie?” she asks.

I take a deep breath. “Rachel, look…” Shit, I really don’t know how to do this. I have no idea what Ben’s said to her, what he could possibly have said the morning after the party when I’d gone, let alone for the next four years. “That night, the night of the party,” I say, unable to look at her. “Something happened with…”

“Yeah I know,” she says, interrupting me. “Ben told me.”

“He did?” I ask, finally lifting my eyes to hers. I wonder what he said, how much she knows.

Rachel shrugs. “Yeah, he told me what Katie did, how you guys had a fight,” she says. “What I’m wondering though, is why you’ve been away for so long, why you just disappeared like that and never came back until now?”

I exhale, shifting the magazines in my arms. “I don’t know, Rach,” I admit. “I really don’t know.”

Rachel takes a step towards me, grabbing the magazines and arranging them so they’re easier to hold. “Look, I get why you were so pissed off, Evie…”

“You do?”

Rachel nods. “I do, she’s a bitch. I know that now, okay?” she says, smiling at me. “We aren’t friends anymore you know, not after she tried the same thing with one of my boyfriends. But I guess what I don’t understand is how you could do that to Ben, how you could stay away from him for so long? Especially when it wasn’t exactly his fault.”

I close my eyes knowing there will never be a time when I don’t regret my decision, when I don’t hurt from all of the things I did to Ben by staying away for so long. I force my eyes to open as I meet Rachel’s stare. “I don’t know,” I whisper, knowing this is both a pathetic excuse, but also the truth. “I was angry and hurt and upset.” I stop; take another deep breath before continuing. “But I know it was a mistake. I know that what I did was unfair, to Ben, and to you. To all of you.”

Rachel gives me a half smile. “It felt like you shut all of us out, Evie,” she says, her hand reaching for mine, but resting on my forearm. “I mean Ben was destroyed by the whole thing, but he wasn’t the only one, okay? You were part of our family, Evie, you left all of us.”

Her words hurt, but they are words I need to hear. I close my eyes now as I try to work out how the hell I can ever possibly apologise for all of this. I feel like I’ve messed everything up so badly. “I know, Rach,” I whisper. “I know what I did was wrong, okay. And as much as I wish I could take it all back or change things, I can’t. All I can do is apologise.”

Rachel doesn’t say anything and we stand here staring at each other. I have no idea what she’s thinking or whether she can ever possibly understand, much less forgive me for it. With Ben it’s always been different because he knows so much more than anyone else does.

“I wish…” I say, unable to get the words out. “I just wish I could…”

“You idiot,” she suddenly says, pulling me into her arms. “You are such an idiot.”

I nearly spill the tea as Rachel hugs me, the magazines all falling to the floor. “I’m so sorry, Rach,” I say, one arm wrapping awkwardly around her waist as my eyes close. “You have no idea how much I wish I could change the last four years.”

Rachel pulls back, smiling at me as she says, “I know you do, okay. And you should know, I haven’t seen him,” she adds, gesturing to Ben’s room behind her, “this happy since, well, since you were last around.”

I smile at her, hoping her words are true. “Really?”

Rach leans in and kisses my cheek before picking up the magazines and tucking them into my arm. “Really, Evie. So make sure you stick around this time, okay? He’s pretty much been unbearable since you left.” The laugh falls from my mouth without me even realising and Rachel smiles. “He was you know. He’s been a right fucking grump actually. None of us wanted to be around him.”

“God, I’ve missed you, Rach,” I say, pulling her in for another hug.

“Me too, Evie, me too,” she says. “Now go and see mister cranky pants in there and get him smiling again.”

We hug once more and then Rachel leaves and I’m taking a deep breath before I plaster a smile on my face and walk into Ben’s room.

“So I got you tea, magazines and some more CDs,” I say, walking over to the bed. Ben is watching me, a concerned look on his face as I put all of the things I’ve brought him on the table beside the bed. “What?” I ask.

He gives me a half smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Did you see Rachel just now?”

“Yeah,” I say, taking a seat beside his bed.

“And?”

“And what?”

Ben exhales. “Did you talk to her?”

I smile. “We talked.”

“Really?”

I nod. “Yeah, I mean she doesn’t know the full story obviously, but I explained things as much as I could.” I don’t elaborate on everything we talked about. The thought of telling Ben that Rachel asked if we were together again makes me nervous. I still don’t exactly know
what
we are and I have no idea if Ben even wants us to be together right now, despite all the things he’s said to me.

Ben reaches out and grabs my hand, lifting it to his mouth for a kiss before glancing up at me. “She knows you spend every day here, you know. She asked me if we were really back together,” he says, my fingers still against his lips as he somehow reads my mind. It’s hardly surprising, Ben has always been able to see through me, see exactly what I was thinking or feeling. “She wanted to know if I was taking you back after everything that happened.”

My heart stops in my chest, as I force myself to hold his stare. I’m sure my hand would be shaking if it wasn’t in his and pressed against his warm, soft lips. “What did you tell her?” I whisper, afraid of his answer. This is the first time we’ve actually said these words out loud.

Ben lifts his other hand and gestures me closer with his finger. As I lean over, that hand slides onto my cheek, cupping my face and pulling me even closer. “Baby,” he whispers, his eyes holding mine. “I never let you go, okay. You’re the one who ran away from me, but I was always here, just waiting for you to find me again. In my mind, we never broke up in the first place.”

My eyes close at Ben’s words and I can feel the tears starting to well. He’s right, I did run away. I ran away and I never gave him a chance to explain about that night. I have no idea how he could even think we could still be together though.

“I…I’m…” I start, not even sure where to begin with my apology.

But Ben doesn’t give me a chance, the hand on my cheek pulling me even closer. I feel his lips against my ear, hear his whispered words as he says, “Eva, nothing happened with her that night, I promise. What you saw, it was a mistake, a fucked up situation that I only realised was happening after it was too late.”

I feel Ben’s thumb as it brushes away the tears I know are now falling. I can’t bring myself to open to my eyes because I don’t want to see all of the pain that I know will be reflected in Ben’s. The pain at what happened and the pain at what I did to him for the last four years.

“I was drunk, baby,” he continues, lifting our joined hands to rest on his chest. His heart beats steadily beneath them and I know he’s telling me the truth. “I spilt my drink all over me. I went upstairs to change my shirt and look for you. When I saw the time, I knew you’d be up soon. The last hour together remember?” he whispers.

I don’t move, frozen as he tells me all of this. I don’t want to even breathe; I’m so afraid of breaking this moment.

“Evie?” he says, pulling me down so I’m sitting on his bed now and my head is buried in his shoulder.

“Yes,” I breathe out, my words lost in the warmth of his skin, which smells so much like home, it hurts. So many memories flash through my brain, memories I found only five days ago, but which feel like they never left me at all. How can this, how can everything about this man, still be so familiar? How is it, I possibly forget him in the first place?

“I didn’t see her come in, baby, I only felt her hands on me,” he says and I hear his voice catch, as though the idea makes him feel sick. “I thought it was you, I was so fucking stupid, but I was drunk and I knew we had that last hour together and I thought it was you… God, baby, I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry…”

He trails off and I think we are both crying now. I’m lying on his chest, our hands trapped between us and my face is buried in his shoulder. Ben’s other hand slides into my hair, to the back of my head and he holds me against him, as though he never wants to let me go.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Evie,” he whispers. “Can you ever forgive me?”

I lift my head, forcing myself to meet his stare. His eyes are shiny and bluer than I ever remember them being. “Forgive you?” I ask. Ben swallows hard as he nods and I don’t know how he can possibly understand what he’s asking. Or just how wrong he’s got it. I don’t even know how to explain it to him.

Instead, I crush my mouth against his in a hard kiss that is four years worth of kisses. It all pours out at once, all of the anger and hurt and pain, wrapped up in a kiss that tries desperately to erase it all.

Ben’s fingers tighten at the back of my head and I still don’t think he understands. “Ben…” I force the word out, needing him to listen. “Ben…”

He pushes me back, his thumb running across my bottom lip, which feels bruised from our kiss. “Can you ever forgive me?” he whispers again.

I shake my head, a sob catching in my throat as I say, “I’m wondering if you can ever forgive me?”

I see the shock on his face, his confusion at my words. “What?”

“Me, Ben, can you ever forgive me for what I did to you, for staying away for so long?”

“Baby,” he breathes out, pulling me back towards him. His lips touch mine again, but this time it’s softer, gentler. It’s a kiss that says I’m sorry and I forgive you and please forgive me, all at the same time.

We eventually pull back, both of us breathless. My face is streaked with tears and although something has lifted, I know it’s going to be a long time before I believe that any of this is okay.

“You okay?” Ben asks, his thumbs brushing the last of my tears away.

I shrug. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Do you believe me?” he asks, uncertainty in his voice. “About what happened that night?”

I stare down at him, at the blue eyes that look back at me. I know he’s telling me the truth, that that night was just a huge misunderstanding, a mistake we have both paid the price for. “I believe you, Ben.”

“Really?” he asks and I know he
needs
me to believe him, that for him, the last four years have been just as painful, only for different reasons.

I smile as I lean in and kiss him again. “Really, I promise.”

“I’m forgiven?” he whispers at the same time as I whisper, “Am I forgiven?”

Ben smiles. “Yes.”

I smile back and touch my lips to his as I breathe out, “Yes.”

I feel his smile against my mouth now as he kisses me once before saying, “Good, because I’ve never stopped loving you, Evie.”

And with those words, I finally exhale and let go of all of the hurt and loneliness and pain that I’ve been carrying around for the last four years.