Losing You (53 page)

However, the decision about whether or not to let her go still hadn’t been forced on them, thank God. Whatever had caused the surges of pressure in Lauren’s brain hadn’t troubled her for over a couple of months now, and Emma had been repeatedly assured that she was in no pain. However, she might be in a place so removed from where her body was lying that the music they were playing to her was flowing into deaf ears; maybe the force of will they were all trying to connect with was a life energy that had long since fled, never to return.

Holding Lauren’s hand between both of her own, she rested her head against them as she felt herself sinking deeper and deeper into a fear she’d never allowed herself to acknowledge before. If she had any courage at all, would she be facing the fact that she was clutching at a hope that was no more than thin air? Was she making Lauren the focus of her world out of desperation, even habit, or because she truly believed she was coming back? Where were the answers? How could she find them? She needed someone to guide her, to tell her the right thing to do, not for her, for Lauren, because only Lauren mattered.

Maybe she should talk to a doctor again. Neil Duncan was in charge of her case now, at least until they could get her transferred to the Brain Injury Centre, but there had been no word about that since Dr Hanworth had sent them
a copy of his letter to the PCT. Emma hardly dared even think about how much she wanted Lauren to go there, because getting her hopes too high meant she’d crash that much harder if their request for funding was turned down. If it was, what would happen to Lauren then? She hadn’t asked that question of anyone yet, but knew she’d have to sooner or later, at which point she might well be faced with selling the house in order to pay for Lauren’s care.

She would do it, of course, she suspected her mother would too, but what would happen after that money ran out?

Afraid that Lauren might be picking up on her negative thoughts, she forced herself to try and suppress the gloom and reach for something more light-hearted. Her first thoughts returned to the arts fair, but then she found herself remembering the travel information for India that had come through that morning. She was about to take it out to read to Lauren when she stopped. What she ought to be doing was getting in touch with the agent to cancel the trip, not sitting here pretending it was something Lauren was still looking forward to, even stood a chance of going on. A scalding rush of tears stung her eyes as she recalled Lauren’s crazy idea that they should spend her first two weeks there together. What she wouldn’t give to make that come true. How could she even have considered not going? No job, no other commitment would ever be as important as time spent with her daughter.

Making another effort to brighten her thoughts, she put Lauren’s hand down. Lifting her head she dragged her hands over her face, as though smoothing away the tiredness. ‘Has Oliver Lomax been to see you?’ she asked. ‘I’d like to see him ...’ She stopped as her heart caught on a beat.

Lauren’s eyes were open.

‘Lauren?’ she whispered, mindful that this could happen and still mean nothing. But Lauren had never done this before, or not that she knew of, and there was something about her ... This was real, she just knew it. It had to be or she would lose her mind.

Lauren’s eyes moved, not to her mother, but to the lower sides of their sockets.

‘Oh my God,’ Emma gasped, pressing a hand to her mouth. ‘Lauren, can you hear me?’

Lauren didn’t respond, but she didn’t close her eyes either.

Emma jumped up, started to go for a nurse, but some instinct pulled her back again. ‘I’m here,’ she said, grabbing Lauren’s hand. ‘Oh my darling, can you see me? Can you hear what I’m saying?’

Lauren was staring straight ahead. It wasn’t possible to know if she was seeing or hearing anything, but
her eyes were still open
.

‘Nurse!’ Emma called. ‘Nurse. Please someone come.’

Putting a hand to Lauren’s face, she sobbed, ‘Sweetheart. It’s Mummy. Can you see me? Oh God, you don’t know how good it is to see you.’ She wanted to scoop her up, press her whole body to hers, envelop her in a tidal wave of love. She was laughing, crying, shaking so hard she could barely control herself.

Then Lauren’s eyes closed.

‘Oh no,’ she choked, feeling an overwhelming despair well up through her joy. ‘Please, please open your eyes again,’ she begged, squeezing hard on Lauren’s hand. ‘You can do it. I know you can.’

‘Emma? Is everything all right?’

Turning to Jo, the staff nurse, Emma said, ‘She opened her eyes. Just a moment ago. She – she didn’t look at me or anything, but they were definitely open.’

Jo’s gaze went to Lauren and she started to smile. ‘And they’re open again,’ she said softly, coming to the bed.

Emma turned quickly back to Lauren, and seeing her eyes, those beautiful, amber eyes, staring at nothing, she stood with her hands bunched at her mouth as Jo said, ‘Hello, young lady. It’s lovely to see you. You have very pretty eyes.’

Emma stifled a sob, then stopped breathing as Lauren’s eyes came unsteadily towards her.

‘Are you looking for Mum?’ Jo said, taking out a small flashlight to check Lauren’s pupils.

‘Can you see me, darling?’ Emma whispered raggedly. ‘I’m right here. Oh Lauren, can you see me?’

‘I think you can, can’t you?’ Jo replied, her voice full of affection. ‘I expect it’s good to see your mum, isn’t it? I know she’s very happy to see you.’

Emma was crying and shaking so hard she could barely speak. ‘What shall I do?’ she asked Jo as she picked up Lauren’s hand. ‘Shall I carry on talking to her?’

‘Absolutely. I’ll send someone for the doctor.’

It seemed an eternity, yet it was probably no more than minutes before a doctor Emma hadn’t seen before was there, checking Lauren’s vital signs and smiling widely as he said, ‘Well, you’ve taken your time to wake up, Sleeping Beauty, but I do believe you’re back with us now. Can you tell me who this is, standing next to me?’

Lauren’s eyes went slowly to Emma.

Simply seeing her respond that way caused more joy to flood Emma’s heart than she could possibly contain. Not only could she hear, she’d understood the question. ‘I’m still here, darling,’ she whispered, keeping a tight hold on Lauren’s hand.

‘Can you say Mum?’ the doctor asked.

When Lauren said nothing, Emma felt herself faltering.

Going to the other side of the bed, the doctor picked up Lauren’s other hand and said, ‘We’re going to do a little test, OK? It’s very easy. All you have to do is squeeze once for yes, and twice for no. Do you understand what I’m saying?’

Lauren’s eyes were on his, so it gave Emma a start when she felt a movement in the hand she was holding.

‘I think she said yes,’ she said huskily. ‘Can you do it again, my darling?’

The movement of Lauren’s head as she turned to Emma was laboured, but the pressure of her hand was more definite this time.

Emma broke into sobs of laughter. ‘She said yes. She definitely said yes,’ she cried.

‘Excellent,’ the doctor declared, his voice ringing with praise. ‘Can you do the same with this hand?’

Again it seemed to take some effort for Lauren to turn her head, but she managed it and looked at the doctor.

They waited.

Emma’s eyes darted between Lauren’s face and left hand.

Still nothing happened.

‘It’s OK,’ the doctor said kindly, ‘it would be very unusual if we had everything happening straight away. What’s important is that you’re moving your right hand. Is she right-handed?’ he asked Emma.

Emma nodded.

Returning his attention to Lauren, he said, ‘Do you know your name?’

Emma looked down at Lauren’s slender young hand as it flexed once under hers.

‘Is it Lauren?’ he asked.

Again a single flex.

Emma could never have imagined such a slight contraction of Lauren’s fingers would bring her so much relief and joy.

‘And is this your mum?’ the doctor prompted.

There was a longer pause as Lauren turned her head again to look at Emma. Then she squeezed her hand.

Emma gave a choke of pride.

‘And am I your daddy?’ the doctor asked.

Lauren continued to look at Emma as she squeezed twice.

Still gazing into her eyes, Emma leaned forward to smooth a hand over her forehead. The hand responses were vital, but it was the way Lauren was gazing back at her that was filling up her heart. Her baby was awake, alive, and though possibly damaged in ways they had yet to discover, all that mattered right now was that she was back with them, and Emma had no doubt it was to stay.

When the doctor finally left the room he was able to reassure Emma that Lauren truly was only sleeping now, tired out by her first brave attempts to communicate in a way that was already feeling like a miracle. She wasn’t speaking, or making any sounds at all, but Emma didn’t care how long it might be before her throat muscles strengthened (she was determined to believe that was all it would take), or before she could show them anything else she could do. All that mattered for now was the fact that when she was no longer tired she would wake up again. Not only that,
she could definitely see and hear, and the tiny pinpricks the doctor had applied to numerous places around her body had all met with a response. She still didn’t seem able to move her left hand, but the doctor had said that he wasn’t unduly worried about that, as it too had responded to his pin test.

‘We need to give the brain and body time to wake up completely,’ he’d explained, ‘and that might well take a little longer than you’d like.’

‘But she will be all right?’ Emma had insisted.

‘I’m afraid it’s still far too early to give you a reliable prognosis, but the fact that she’s started to respond in the way she has can allow us some cautious optimism.’

Though it wasn’t exactly the answer Emma had wanted, for now it was so very much more than she’d expected when she’d come here today that she was willing to embrace it as the greatest beacon of hope she’d been handed so far. Any optimism at all from a doctor was surely going to help them get her into the Brain Injury Centre – and once there, who knew how long it might be before she was able to come home?

Whispering, so as not to wake Lauren, she said, ‘I’m going to make some phone calls now, OK? I won’t be far away, and I’ve already asked if I can stay the night. They said yes, so I shall be here when you wake up again.’
When you wake up again
, and it was actually going to happen! Had Fate, God, whoever was in charge really turned a kinder side towards them at last?

She didn’t want to leave Lauren’s side for a minute, but at the same time she was bursting to tell everyone the good news.

Out in the corridor she connected to her mother first.

Before she could speak Phyllis was saying, ‘Emma? Are you all right? I thought you’d be home by now.’

‘Mum. Oh Mum,’ Emma laughed and sobbed. ‘You have to come. Please come. She’s woken up.’

There was a moment’s stunned silence before her mother started to break down. ‘Oh Emma, Emma. Are you sure? Of course you are, you wouldn’t say it if you weren’t. Our beautiful girl. We have her back?’

‘She knows me, Mum. She looked right at me and she can already answer yes and no by squeezing our hands.’

‘Oh my goodness, I never thought ... I was so afraid, but I knew she could do it. It’s all down to you, Emma. You know that, don’t you? You held on and wouldn’t let go.’

‘So did you. But I almost did let go, Mum. Today, I was thinking ... I mean it was in my mind for the first time that I might be wrong, and that maybe I was being selfish, and then ... then I looked up and her eyes were open. It was as though she knew she had to do it for herself now, and she did.’

‘I’m so proud of her,’ Phyllis laughed through a sob. ‘Of you too. You know what I like to think, that maybe she went to your father to rest for a while, and now she’s ready he’s sent her gently back again.’

Loving the thought, Emma let it resonate for a moment before she said, ‘Will you call Berry and Harry? They’ll want to know right away. And Polly will too, so ...’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll call them all. Are we staying at the hospital tonight, you and me? Will they allow it?’

Thrilled that her mother wanted to be there too, Emma replied, ‘Yes, they will, so can you bring a few things for the morning?’

‘Of course. Are you going back to her now?’

‘In a minute. I need to call Will first.’

After ringing off she took a few moments to prepare herself before scrolling to Will’s number and pressing to connect. She didn’t want to sound smug when she broke the news, but it was going to be hard not to.

Jemima answered after the fourth ring.

‘Hi, it’s Emma. Is Will there please?’

‘Yes, he is. Is everything all right? How’s Lauren?’

‘If you don’t mind, I’d like to speak to Will.’

‘Oh my goodness, has something happened? If it has, maybe it would be better for me to break it ...’

‘Lauren is still with us, now please will you put him on.’

It seemed an inordinately long wait before Will’s voice came snappishly down the line. ‘Emma? What is it?’

He sounded so cold, so resentful of being disturbed, but he didn’t know yet, so she wasn’t going to allow him to
spoil her mood. ‘She’s woken up, Will,’ she told him, feeling another rush of joy. ‘She came round. She’s not in a coma any more.’

Several seconds of silence ticked by.

‘Are you still there?’ she asked in the end.

‘Yes, I’m here, I’m just ... Is she ... all right?’

‘I think so. I mean, she hasn’t spoken yet, but she definitely seemed to know me and she can respond to questions with a squeeze of her hand.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, really.’

‘Well that’s great, isn’t it?’

The sarcasm in his tone felt like a slap. ‘Actually, yes it is great,’ she told him curtly. ‘I’ve looked into her eyes and she’s looked into mine, don’t you want to do the same?’

‘Actually, no, not if that’s all she can do, because if she’s a prisoner inside a body that’s useless, with a brain that’s functioning or not ...’