Lost in a good book (48 page)

As my father said, it’s funny the way things turn out.

1
. “Thursday Next!”

2
. “Miss Next—hello? Testing testing. One, two, three.”

3
. “If you’re busy, Ms. Next, we can talk later.”

4
. “The name is Snell, Akrid Snell. Who was that disturbingly attractive woman in the tight pink—”

5
. “Really? Is she married?”

6
. “Sorry. Should have said. I’m the defense attorney assigned to your case.”

7
. “Of course not! That’s our defense strategy in a nutshell. You are
completely
innocent. If we can convince the examining magistrate we can probably get a postponement.”

8
. “Miss Next, I’m
so
sorry, I had to take a call. Portia again; she wanted to discuss the timing of her ‘drop of blood’ defense. Bit of a feisty one, that. Your hearing is next Thursday—so be prepared!”

9
. “That’s good, Thursday. Can I call you Thursday? Keep up that sort of wide-eyed innocent babe-in-the-woods stuff and we’ll have you off the hook quicker than you can say verruca.”

10
. “I’ll explain it all when we meet. Sorry to have to communicate with you in footnotes but I’m due in court in ten minutes. Don’t speak
to anyone at all
about the case and I’ll see you on Thursday, Thursday. That’s quite funny, that. ‘Thursday . . . Thursday.’ Hmm. Maybe not. Got to go. Remember: Speak to
no one
about the case, and if you have a moment, see if you can find out anything about that Flakk girl’s domestic arrangements. Well, chin-chin and toodle-pip.”

1
. “Thursday, for heaven’s sake what have you done?!”

2
. “I told you not to talk to anyone about your case!”

3
. “How can I be expected to help you if you go and blab everything to the prosecution?”

4
. “Why Hopkins, you idiot! You pretty much confessed there and then on your own doorstep. This is going to really screw things up for us. Don’t speak to
anyone
about
anything,
for Christ’s sake—do you want to spend the next thousand readings imprisoned in
Castle Doubting
or something?”

5
. “No time. I’ll speak to you before we go in to court. Remember: Don’t talk to
anyone at all
about the case. By the way, did you manage to find anything out about that delightfully odd Flakk girlie?”

6
. “Really? That is interesting news. Well, must dash. Pip pip.”

1
. “Miss Next? Havisham speaking!”

2
.
“I hope you didn’t say what I thought I heard you say!”

3
. “I am here, young lady, but I am
shocked
by your coarse language!”

4
. “Really? Well, I will not hear it from my apprentices. But I forgive you, I suppose. I need you to attend to me right now. Norland Park, Chapter Five, paragraph one—you’ll find it in the travelbook Mrs. Nakajima left for you.”

1
. “Loud and clear, whiskers pressed, fed and watered, boots on and laced, ready to—”

2
. “Not yet—none of the names appear in the register of fictioneers— I’m just going through the reams of unpublished characters from the Well of Lost Plots—it might take some time.”

3
. “I hope I’m mistaken but you’ve got the Questing Beast approaching from the southeast—one hundred yards and closing.”

4
.“He’s in
Middlemarch
at the moment. I’ll try him on the footnoterphone—but you know how deaf he is.”

5
. “He’s not answering. Do you know, this reminds me of the time the Demogorgon met Medusa in the 1923 Miss Loathsome competition—”

6
. “Coming up!”

7
. “Any second now, Tweedy.”

Contents

1.
The Adrian Lush Show

2.
The Special Operations Network

3.
Cardenio
Unbound

4.
Five Coincidences, Seven Irma Cohens and One Confused Neanderthal

5.
Vanishing Hitchhikers

4a.
Five Coincidences, Seven Irma Cohens and One Confused Thursday Next

6.
Family

7.
White Horse, Uffington, Picnics, for the Use of

8.
Mr. Stiggins and SO-1

9.
The More Things Stay the Same

10.
A Lack of Differences

11.
Granny Next

12.
At Home with My Memories

14.
The Gravitube

15.
Curiouser & Curiouser in Osaka

16.
Interview with the Cat

17.
Miss Havisham

18.
The Trial of Fräulein N

19.
Bargain Books

20.
Yorrick Kaine

21.
Les Artes Modernes de Swindon ’85

22.
Travels with My Father

23.
Fun with Spike

24.
Performance-Related Pay, Miles Hawke & Norland Park

25.
Roll Call at Jurisfiction

26.
Assignment One: Bloophole Filled in
Great Expectations

27.
Landen and Joffy Again

28.
“The Raven”

29.
Rescued

30.
Cardenio
Rebound

31.
Dream Topping

32.
The End of Life as We Know It

33.
The Dawn of Life as We Know It

34.
The Well of Lost Plots

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s Imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

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