Lost In Rewind (Audio Fools #3) (13 page)

I get up, unable to restrain myself and maintain an acceptable distance, and walk over to sit next to her on the bed I’ve placed her on. I know I can’t touch her, but I need to be close to her. She looks confused, like she needs someone to be close to her, and right now, that someone is me. Her eyes enlarge with an emotion I hope to God is not fear. As soon as I sit next to her, I regret our proximity. I immediately feel more than I should for a woman I just met. When I hear her gasp, I instantly get up, because I have no business feeling anything.

There are moments in your existence that you know your life will change forever. I had that moment when I met Sara almost seventeen years ago in that club in New York City. I had a moment with that fortuneteller over a decade ago a few feet from where I stand now. I had that moment when I married Jacqueline, and when my children were born, and I just had that moment with Kali two minutes ago. You can’t explain it to anybody except to the person who caused it in the first place.

I hate myself for what I think I feel. I can’t bring myself to even look at her and, God forbid, see in her eyes the same feelings I have. I begin to frantically look around the room for things that can take my mind off this striking girl who keeps watching me with expectations to deliver her answers, but I don’t have any … just more questions. If she only knew how lost I am. If she only knew what kind of man I really am, she’d stop looking at me with hope. Everything I touch, I ruin. It’s best I touch nothing from now on.

I pretend to examine an intricate tapestry hung on the wall, distancing my thoughts away from how attractive she is. Without warning I feel her arms engulf me into a hug from behind. I glance down to find her hands lace together and wrap around my waist; her chest molds flush against my back. The air I’ve held inside from the second she touched me deflates, allowing her to momentarily incapacitate me.

“You look like you need a hug,” she whispers innocently. I shouldn’t be imagining anything but an innocent hug with this girl.

I turn to face her. Her eyes study me with such anticipation I almost wish I could give her the information she so desperately seeks. Against my common sense I hug her tight to me, not letting my feelings rule this peculiar situation we’re both in. “I think we both need a hug,” I answer with a chuckle, hoping to hide how nervous I am.

She looks up to give me a small smile, and I pull her close again, resting my chin on her head. Embracing her feels as natural as breathing, and yet we know nothing about each other. We stand huddled in the middle of what I suspect used to be her grandmother’s bedroom, and I can’t help but feel for the first time in a long time that I’m in the right place, with the right person, at the right time.

“Please don’t faint again,” I beg her as we begin to pull away from our hold.

“Deal.” She nods with a smile. “Do you think we should stay and talk here?” She’s already moving farther away from me, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like having her close.

I look around the small room covered in old books and photographs with the dried flowers immortalized in dozens of colorful vases scattered around religious statues. I look up at the ceiling draped in a dusty white fabric coming from the center where a dim chandelier gives off almost no light. I return my gaze to the bed, with Kali standing by it. It’s too much for me to stay here and pretend that I don’t feel the things I know I shouldn’t after being numb for so long. This room feels like a hidden lovers’ tent suspended in another lifetime. In a way, this room reminds me of the place Sara and I once called home, and I know I will never again have a home.

“Would it be okay with you if we talk in that first room? I don’t want you to faint again, but this room feels wrong,” I confess honestly.

She nods. I motion for Kali to go back through the doors I carried her across once she fainted. She leads the way, looking down as we pass first the living room and then the room just beyond the curtains, taking a seat at the round table. There are only two seats, so I naturally sit across from her. I just now noticed that this room is completely round, and if I release the black curtains, we’d be in total darkness. Maybe I’ve been in total darkness ever since I stepped into this room years ago. Knowing your future is unnatural. Perhaps I allowed the darkness to live inside me, and instead of forgetting it and running as far as humanly possible toward the light, I ran right back to it.

I hear a scraping sound across the floor. Kali moves her chair, positioning it close to mine. I instantly have a need to tell her how unstable I am. She shouldn’t be moving closer to me, she should be running away. I can end her curiosity in five minutes and get the fuck out of here. I’ll tell her the futile prophecy bestowed upon me by her dead grandmother, and then she will leave me alone and let me live out the rest of my life sentence on this earth without the ones I love.

“What are you doing?” My voice sounds harsh. I know exactly what she’s doing, but she shouldn’t be nice to some stranger. She knows nothing about me. “You know what? I think it’s best if I just write down what your grandmother said to me and then go. You’ll have all the time in the world to read it over and over and then try to decipher what her fortunetelling actually meant. I can assure you that her prophecy never came true and I have yet to understand any of her predictions.” That’s my head talking.

She smiles at me—a knowing, one-sided grin revealing no teeth but plenty of disappointment. She looks away, nodding her head to herself. “Okay, Jeff from New York City. You’re right—perhaps it’s best you go. I don’t want you wasting your time on a dead fortuneteller’s granddaughter. I mean, what can I possibly say to you that would give meaning to Joella’s reading if you yourself haven’t a clue? After all, it must not have been that important to you if you’ve waited all these years to come here to make sense of her words.” The chair scrapes the floor with a soul-piercing sound, the loss of eye contact and her sudden withdrawal from my space begins to cause a panic that makes zero sense.

I feel like I’m letting this girl I know nothing about down. Why is she agreeing for me to go so quickly? Only minutes ago, she had her hands wrapped around me and moving her chair to be closer and now she’s prepared to walk away?

“Kali!” I call after her. “Kali, look at me!” I say her name with more ownership. She finally turns with a victorious, knowing grin on her lips.

Checkmate.

She knows I don’t want to go.

“
I Can’t Hold Back
”
by Survivor

H
e seems too old to still be playing games, but then again, some men just play games forever. I can see how badly he wants to talk to me. I can feel how much he wants me to help him make sense of things he’s probably never spoken to anybody about. He and I may have just met, but we have one thing in common—Joella. I never knew enough to be able to talk about her, and I’m pretty sure he’s been pretending they never met. But he can’t pretend with me that this is no big deal to him. I didn’t miss the look of fear that just passed in his eyes. He needs me just as much as I think I need him.

“Are you going to stop pretending and playing games? I’m not your girlfriend—you don’t have to worry about me. You have information that I want, and I may have the explanation you seek. I’m not trying to come on to you … I just want you to feel comfortable enough to talk to me. If my gut is right, I bet I’ll be the only person you’ve ever spoken to about what Joella Gitanos enlightened you with, right?”

He nods.

“Let’s start over. I get that I first need to know you a little better in order for my grand-mère’s words to mean to me what they mean to you. Are you willing to be truthful and open about your life with me?”

I hold my breath as I wait for him to answer. I may have just said that I am not his girlfriend, but I feel something, and he intrigues me in more than a brotherly way. I can’t deny that his eyes are doing silly things to my stomach. But he doesn’t need to know that, he just needs to feel at ease to want to talk to me.

He takes two huge strides toward me, and a tingle a little south of my stomach comes to life. He holds out his hand again, as if to shake mine, and I comply. But instead of a handshake, he just holds on to me, and then turns his hand in mine, opening it to show me his open palm. He lowers himself close enough to whisper, “I’m not happy about how I feel around you. I can count the number of times in my life that I’ve felt this way. I promise you, I’m not playing games. I’m just trying to play it cool. I know you think that you’ll be able to understand your grandmother’s words, but once I tell you about myself, I’m worried you’ll only inherit the burden of knowing me.”

My heart stops beating as his breath warms my cheek, while my shaking hand still rests in his palm. I’m certain of my attraction to him, and I’m certainly not proud of it, either. I have no business being attracted to a man that is probably married, or at the very least, has a girlfriend waiting back in New York. I tilt my head to the side to try and move away from him, and I swear it’s harder than it seems, because I feel the electromagnetic pull between us.

“Do you feel that?” I ask him.

“I do, but I don’t want to do anything about it,” he declares, retrieving his hand.

His response leaves me livid; I don’t like feeling rejected. But once I calm the petulant only-child-complex that lives in me, I’m silently thankful for his dismissal of the things we’re both feeling. I agree that we shouldn’t be trying to explore some weird emotions we’ve stirred in one another, and start exploring the reasons why Joella chose Jeff—an unknown bar patron—to bestow one of her last known readings.

“Let’s not talk today.” I need to clear my head and catch my breath.

His eyes enlarge at my statement.

“I mean, let’s just take it easy today. It’s too much for me to take in, and I’m not sure what I’m feeling … my brain is all out of sorts, and I’m sure you’re tired, too, from driving here. Let’s meet up in the morning.”

He sighs at my words and takes a few steps away from me to go sit back down. He watches me, and once again, I feel as if he’s breaking down my features. His gaze finally lands back on my eyes. “Did I offend you, Kali?”

I shake my head, which we both know is a lie.

“You don’t need someone like me to come on to you. Trust me, I’m nothing.” He can keep saying that, but I know that my grand-mère wouldn’t choose a “nothing.” He’s special, and hopefully soon, we’ll both find out why.

I begin to leave when I feel him grab hold of my arm and slowly pull me toward him. “Don’t go, Kali,” he whispers. I turn without looking directly at him. I take a few small steps back to where he’s sitting, and wait for him to make the next move. He continues addressing me in a low, desperate voice. “I can’t wait until tomorrow. I want to tell you everything now.”

I instinctively bring my hands to touch his face, as if I have a right to touch this man I know nothing about. But the tone of his voice gave me consent to touch him. I run my fingers around his eyes, which forces him to close them, and allows me to keep touching him. My hands eagerly graze his mouth. He opens his lips and lets out a breath, almost as if to kiss the inside of my hand. His breath against my palms sends responsiveness down my entire body. I never knew attraction could feel this way. It’s tangible. I have this slow-simmering hunger, a need to climb into his arms and kiss him until we both pass out. What’s happening to me? Who am I?

“You feel that?” he asks.

My eyes are closed to allow myself a moment to enjoy the feelings he speaks of. I nod my head, shouting
“yes”
on the inside. Every part of my body can feel him.

“Are we going to do something about it, or should we ignore it?”

I open my eyes at his question. I want nothing more than to do something about it, but this is not who I am. I don’t just recklessly act out on my lustful desires. I’m not one to have this kind of reckless desire in the first place.

“Are you married?” Time stops as I wait for him to answer.

He looks away from me and exhales heavily, before whispering, “Yes.”