Lost In Rewind (Audio Fools #3) (4 page)

“Don’t fucking say her name. You dirty piece of shit,” I yell back. I try to get up and finally have it out with him like we should’ve done two years ago in that hotel. If Sara hadn’t fainted that day, if he wasn’t holding her in his arms, I would’ve annihilated this scum.

“You have a family, mate, and you’re breaking your family up right now. Wake up! Your kids need you. They don’t know where you are. They just lost the only mum they’ve ever known, and their father is on the other side of town getting wasted. I despise you, Jeffery. You are a coward, and I can’t stand the sight of you. But I love Sara more than I hate you, and for some reason, she wants you to come back to your kids and be their father. Be a bloody man. Go help them with the loss of their mum. Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” he preaches to me.

“Those kids don’t need me. They need Sara, but you stole her from us. I’m nothing without her. Don’t lecture me on what and whom they need. I won’t go back unless I go back to her.”

He smirks at my words. He thinks I have no chance with her. He clearly doesn’t understand what we share and what fate has waiting for us. But one day, he will, and then I’ll be the one visiting him while he’s hiding somewhere drunk and confused.

“Who’s stopping you? Go and get yourself and Sara sorted. She’s been bloody waiting for you to show your mug for over two days now. Did you know your wife’s funeral is today? If you stay here a bit longer, you may even miss the hearing where Sara is granted full custody of Juliet and Jacob, and then I’ll be their father. Is that what you want, Rossi?” His words are like acid—they burn all the open, oozing wounds inside me. I want my kids and I want my fair chance with Sara.
Sara, Sara, she’s my Sara!
I waited so long for this moment, and never have I imagined it would end and hurt like this.

“I’ll go back and figure everything out with my kids … if you leave New York. Let me talk to her without you. I have things I need to say that have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with our kids. Respect what we share and let her deal with me without you.”

William’s eyes enlarge as he instinctively glances over at Louis, who simply shakes his head, and then to Eddie who makes a “don’t look at me” gesture before his worried eyes meet mine again.

“All right, go talk to Sara and I’ll be waiting in St. Lucia for her. We have a wedding to get to. I’m not the reason she’s not with you—you’re the reason,” he proclaims with that cocky smile again. “She came back to New York to see you and her children, but you made the wrong decision, like you always seem to do. Your choices are to blame, not me, mate,” he finishes, turns his back on me, and walks toward the door.

As soon as Louis leaves after him, I drop back on the couch. I have no strength nor will to go on. Eddie comes and sits on the blue velvet couch his sister once picked out, not looking at me but captivated by the dozens of black and white photographs of Juliet and Jacob—his niece and nephew—covering the walls.

“Jeff, I’ve known you for way too long, dude. I’ve never seen you like this. Are you high? Those kids … they’re your kids, man; they depend on you. Jacky, poor Jacky died knowing that you would take care of them in every way possible, but they physically need you right now. Stop obsessing over my sister; it’s over. It’s been over. Get your life together, brother. Look at everything you have. You own one of the largest, most prominent law-firms in New York. There’s a plethora of people depending on you. Sara is finally happy. Please, leave her alone. She doesn’t have that sad look in her eyes anymore. My sister is not keeping you or the kids inside like a dirty secret.” He finally looks at me. “He’s a good guy, and he loves her. He makes her happy and they’re getting married. I blame myself every day for bringing you into her life, but I love you despite everything you’ve done to her. I love you because you’re the father of my niece and nephew, even though they know nothing about me. I know you’re not a bad guy. You’re fucked in the membrane, but you’re not a bad guy. Please, don’t prove me wrong. Come home and deal with your life like the man I once thought you were.”

I know he’s right. I just need to convince my heart to keep beating and be strong enough to go back home, even if nothing ever feels like home anymore.

“I’m sorry for all I’ve done. Eddie, I love her so much—you have to know that. I’m sorry I couldn’t make her happy. She deserved to be happy. I tried to make them both happy and not break either of their hearts, but I fucked up. I would never have asked her to wait for me or promised her a future if I’d known Jacky and I would be together for all those years. I fucking hurt her so much. I would do anything for her.” I fail to hold back the sob.

“If you love her, get up, clean up, and be present for your kids. They need you. That’s what Sara and Jacky want. I’ll be waiting outside to bring you home.”

He gets up and pats my back, not like a friend, but more like a stranger looking down on you with a mixture of revulsion and pity. I don’t blame him one bit.

I’m left on my own to chew over all the words they left floating around me in this cold, soulless space that no longer feels like home. This was once our sanctuary. When we walked through those doors, life made sense, but nothing makes sense right now. Isn’t this who everybody—including Sara—thinks I am? A bastard who cheats on his sick wife with a girl he brainwashed into loving him, asking her to wait for nothing? They all think I’m a dirty lawyer who fucks anything that moves or looks my way. Would they believe me if I told them I haven’t made love to another woman since Sara, in that hotel room, over two years ago? Probably not, and the only woman who knew the truth is now dead, anyway. Will Sara ever stop hating me? How do I get through to her? How can I win her love back if I’m here, hiding? They’re all right. I need to stand up and start fighting for her and our family like a man or I may as well be dead.

“
Never Gonna Give You Up
” by Rick Astley

A
good person, a good man, a good father wouldn’t leave his children a few days after their mother died to go hide in a secret love-shack he once kept with their biological mother. Juliet and Jacob deserve a good parent, and not a shit mess like me. I’m a worthless, empty excuse for a man without my wife, I’m nothing without Sara, and they can’t see me like this. If they look into my eyes, they’ll know I’m dead, too.

My secretary has left no less than two voicemails every fucking hour on the hour—my father-in-law, too. The whole world wants to tell me how sorry they are for me. I only check my phone to make sure it’s not my babies trying to reach me. My parents and my whole family are at my house with them, and all I can think about is how alone we are. My mind won’t let me forget about Sara—the girl I once met in a New York club on a dirty dance floor, the girl that offered to blow me as a joke, only the joke was on me. Just one kiss and she fucked me up for life, but I’d do it all over again because I owe her everything.
What the fuck is wrong with me
? It’s as if my heart is finally allowed to explode and all the feelings and thoughts I’ve trained my mind to keep under control are blasting out, and I can’t do anything but let it consume me. The prophecy I’ve held onto for fourteen years has waited long enough, and it begs to finally play out
.

While Jacky was alive, at least I had her there to remind me every day why I kept my feelings for Sara inside. I couldn’t add to her pain, I couldn’t abandon her and go to the girl I left indefinitely waiting. She knew—she always knew—even if we didn’t talk about it, she still knew. I can’t even recall the last time Jacqueline and I made love—it’s been years. Why did I walk away from Sara that night at The Pierre? Why did I let Louis Bruel talk me into surrendering? When the dust cleared and I tried to fight back and finally give her more, it was too late. William found her, he got a taste of her, and our paused, twisted love story wasn’t a good choice for her anymore. She wanted a new story, an untainted story.

I stand in front of the same door I walked out of two years ago and I can’t imagine not being able to touch her and lose myself inside her like I did that night before we became strangers. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, I can still taste the saltiness of the tears running down her cheeks on her eighteenth birthday when I kissed her in the back of that cab, the weekend fate brought us back together.

Ring the bell, you coward.
What do I say to her? Don’t marry him!
How do I make her give me and us a real chance?
I love you, I miss you, I can’t live without you.
I need to tell her there would be no more lying, hiding, and waking up in separate beds. I survived her last fake, loveless marriage, but I had Jacky and the kids to keep my mind from thinking about her every second of every day. I don’t think I’ll survive this one. It’s different this time. I saw it that night with the way he looked at her and she at him. It tasted like love, I felt it.

I lift my left arm to ring the bell when I spot my wedding band on my finger. I remove the gold ring to reveal her name under it. She was always there with me—in my dreams, in my heart, and etched into my every fiber. I got her name tattooed on the inside of my finger the night before Jacqueline and I got married. Sara and I made a promise that I never forgot, nor do I intend to. I kiss my wedding band and place it in my jeans’ pocket.
I love you, Jacky. I will never love another person the way I loved you, and I wish everything was different. I made mistakes that hurt everybody, but you still loved me and I am forever blessed for knowing you.
Before I ring the bell, I say a silent prayer and prepare myself for whatever it is I’ve got to do to make Sara remember our promise. I’m here to return my heart to its owner and let her do with it whatever she sees fit
.

The bell rings over and over. I know she’s here since the manager personally escorted me to the elevator as soon as I uttered my name. Her new man arranged smooth passage. The elevator attendant knew exactly where I was headed as well, and silently whisked us off to the penthouse.
Of course he bought her the penthouse at The Pierre hotel where it all started for them
. I vividly recall reading in the paper about a year ago of this monumental real estate transaction between Louis Bruel and William Knight.

It takes an eternity for her to open this damn door. My heart beats in my throat and I can hear my blood rushing through my ears. I’ve missed her, all of her. The last time we saw one another was in a room full of lawyers as she was declared a legal guardian to our kids—without any opposition from Jacky or me. I remember how broken I felt to have her sit only a few feet away from me and not be able to hold her, to calm her, and tell her how sorry I was for putting us in such a fucked-up mess. How sorry I was that we needed a bunch of clowns to negotiate the parenting terms of our incredible kids. I held on to Jacqueline instead as she told me over and over that this was a good thing. She was happy and proud that Sara finally stood up for our kids, and she felt that Sara had at last grown up after all these years. I never spoke to my wife about the girl that was a fixed, silent part of our life, my heart, and my every thought. I was afraid she’d know how much I loved Sara, too. But she knew everything. The only person I lied to was myself. She knew who the egg donor was for our twins, and she obviously approved. Looking back now, how could she not have known? She was the one who suggested we use a donor that we know, someone who would be a part of our baby’s life when her time was up. Jacky always wanted a family, but at the same time, she wasn’t ignorant; she knew her ticking cancer wouldn’t allow her such a luxury. Three days ago, hours before she closed her eyes for the last time, she told me that her borrowed time had ended. She whispered she loved me, that she was sorry, and that was it—she was gone, and I’ve been lost without my best friend ever since.

Tears pool in my eyes as I realize I’ve traveled millions of miles away and Sara has at last opened the door and is standing there, observing me. My heart is lodged in my throat as our eyes lock on each other, completely paralyzing me. Time stands still while everything between us evaporates into memory dust. My tears spill over as my wretched heart attempts to say the words my brain continuously denies
. Please don’t leave me. We promised. Don’t marry him. Give us a chance. Don’t do this to me again. I don’t want to live without you. I love you.
My mind is bombarded all at once, and yet I’m a fucking mute—a speechless, soundless, wordless fool.