Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 05 (18 page)

“Ciao, Georgia.”

Ohmygiddygodspajamas, Masimo!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooo.

He caught up with me and was running alongside me. I just kept running and turned and gave him what I hoped was an attractive smile. Attractive if you like a smiling tomato in a jogging outfit. He looked sooo cool, and not even sweating. Also he seemed to be able to breathe. And talk.

He said, “You know, I didn't get your phone
number. Would it be possible for you to me for to tell?”

I gave him another smile. It might be the last living thing I did. Then I saw the hill path and my brain was so starved of oxygen it had no control over any part of my body. My legs started stumbling down the hill path. They were just merrily careering down the path, carrying my head and body along with them. Thank God Masimo didn't follow me; as he continued along the top path he shouted, “OK Miss Hard to Get, I will see you later when I get back from America, ciao
caro
.”

At that point the hill path curved around and I crashed into a bush and fell over.

in bed
9:30 p.m.

Oh ow ow. Ouch and ow.

He wanted my telephone number and I couldn't speak. I could only be very very red.

I can't stand this.

I hobbled downstairs and phoned Dave the Laugh.

“Dave, he asked me for my phone number tonight but I couldn't give it to him because I was
too red. He called me ‘Miss Hard to Get.'”

Dave said, “Excellent work. You are of course studying at the feet of the Horn Master.”

11:00 p.m.

Boys truly are weird. Dave says that I have accidentally done the right thing—I have become the mystery woman.

11:10 p.m.

He said, “See you later when I get back from America.”

That is far beyond the usual “see you later” fandango.

wednesday may 4th

evening

Today was fifty million hours long. I have made Jas find out from Tom who can find out from Dom what is going on with Masimo.

8:30 p.m.

Jas said, “Masimo has gone to London for a week and then he is off to Hamburger-a-gogo to visit his olds.”

11:00 p.m.

Hamburger-a-gogo land.

11:10 p.m.

Merde.

11:15 p.m.

Vati roared up in the Robinmobile. Bang bang clatter clatter. Shout shout. He is so shouty and trousery.

Then Mutti started going, “Wow!! Oh wow. Fantastic!”

Pray God he's not got some new even more embarrassing trousers.

Oh dear
Gott in Himmel
and Donner and Blitzen, now they're tramping up the stairs to my room. They burst in and I pulled the blanket over my head.

Mutti said, “Go on, tell her the news. Tell her!”

Now what?

Vati said, “We're off to America at half term!”

I shot up in bed.

midnight

I hugged my own father.

12:05 a.m.

We are off to Hamburger-a-gogo land. I can track down Masimo.

12:10 a.m.

I don't know exactly where he is, but how big can America be??

airing cupboard •
This is a cupboard over the top of the hot water heater in a house. It is used for keeping towels and sheets warm on cold winter nights. Er, at least, that's what it is used for in normal people's homes. In my home it is Libby's play den or Angus and Gordy's winter headquarters. It is therefore far from hygienic. In fact, you would be a fool to put anything in there.

 

arvie •
Afternoon. From the Latin “arvo.” Possibly. As in the famous Latin invitation: “Lettus meetus this arvo.”

 

bacofoil •
Aluminum foil for cooking things in the oven. By the way, why do you leave out the second “i” in aluminium? Because if you just can't be arsed to have vowels later on in words, where would we be? Do you say plutonum? Or titanum? No, you don't. Otherwise the whole thing would just become a sham and very very tedus. Not to mentin, confusng.

 

Blimey O'Reilly •
(as in “Blimey O'Reilly's trousers”) This is an Irish expression of disbelief and shock. Maybe Blimey O'Reilly was a famous Irish bloke who had extravagantly big trousers. We may never know the
truth. The fact is, whoever he is, what you need to know is that a) it's Irish and b) it is Irish. I rest my case.

 

blodge •
Biology. Like geoggers—geography—or Froggie—French.

 

Blu-tac •
Blue plasticine stuff that you stick stuff to other stuff with. It is very useful for sticking stuff to other stuff. Tip-top sticking stuff actually. I don't know why it is called Blu-tac when it clearly should be called blue sticking stuff. Also blue is spelt wrong, but that is life for you.

 

Bovril •
A disgusting drink which is supposed to be good for you. It is made out of cows' feet. It is. Well, I think it is.

 

boy entrancers •
False eyelashes. Boys are ALWAYS entranced when you wear them. This is a FACT…unless of course they get stuck together and then boys think you are mad and blind and not entrancing at all.

 

clud •
This is short for cloud. Lots of really long boring poems and so on can be made much snappier by abbreviating words. So Tennyson's poem called “Daffodils” (or “Daffs”) has the immortal line “I wandered lonely as a clud.”

Ditto Rom and Jul. Or Ham. Or Merc. Of Ven.

 

Curlywhirly •
A choccy woccy doodah bar which is all curly and whirly. See milky pops.

 

div •
Short for “dithering prat,” i.e., Jas.

 

do •
A “do” is any sort of occasion. We say “It's your birthday, let's have a bit of a do.” Or, as in Elvis's case, “Let's not have a leaving do, can't he just go?” Or perhaps I am being a bit harsh. No, I am not.

 

dodie •
Dummy or pacificer.

 

duffing up •
Duffing up is the female equivalent of beating up. It is not so violent and usually involves a lot of pushing with the occasional pinch.

 

Ethelred the Unready •
Ah, I am glad that you asked me this because once more I am able to display my huge talent for historiosity. Most English Kings and Queens get nicknames like “Richard the Lionhearted” (because he was brave and so on) or “Good Queen Bess.” Ethelred (who lived a long long time ago, even before Slim was a young boy) is famous because of being “unready.” The Vikings came to England to pillage and shake their big red legs at the English folk. They sneaked into his castle and caught Ethelred in the loo and took over the castle. Hence his name Ethelred the Unready. He's lucky that's all he's called. Things could be much worse. He could be called Ethelred the Pooey. Or Ethelred on the looey.

 

five's court •
This is a typical Stalag 14 idea. It's minus 45 degrees outside so what should we do to entertain the schoolgirls? Let them stay inside in the cozy warmth and read? No. Let's build a concrete wall outside with a red line at waist height and let's make them go and hit a hard ball at the red line with their little freezing hands. What larks!

 

fringe •
Goofy short bit of hair that comes down to your eyebrows. Someone told me that American-type people call them “bangs” but this is so ridiculously strange that it's not worth thinking about. Some people can look very stylish with fringe (i.e., me) while others look goofy (Jas). The Beatles started it apparently. One of them had a German girlfriend, and she cut their hair with a pudding bowl and the rest is history.

 

gorgey •
Gorgeous. Like fabby (fabulous) and marvy (marvelous).

 

half term •
Oh, of course you know what this is, you are toying with my emotions, you naughty minxes. A term is when you have to go to school, i.e., spring term, summer term, autumn term, etc. Half term is halfway through the term when you get time off the sentence for good behavior. Not really; you get time off because otherwise all the teachers would have a nervy b.

 

heavy manners •
This is Jamaican patois and means keeping you under surveillance and possibly house arrest. I had a Jamaican mate and instead of saying “Hi,” or “Hello,” he would say “Iry.” But I thought he was saying “Highway” so I would say “Highway” back. He thought I was obsessed with motorways. It can be very difficult to get on with other nations if they will insist on speaking their own languages.

 

hobbit •
Do we really have to do this? Oh God, are we never to be free? A hobbit is one of those little creatures in the Lord of the Rings with really big ears.
They're bloody lucky to get away with the ears compared to a lot of the other things in the books, orks and so on. Is there anyone in Lord of the Rings who is normal? Answer: no. The whole thing is a nightmare of beards.

 

japes •
Enid Blyton wrote children's books about the Famous Five in the 1950s. These five complete wets and weeds had lots of “japes” and “jolly wheezes.” If, for instance, they hid behind the door and then leapt out to surprise their parents, that would be a “wizard jape.” I think you get the picture of what extraordinarily crap books they were.

 

Kiwi-a-gogo land •
New Zealand. “A-gogo land” can be used to liven up the otherwise really boring names of other countries. America, for instance, is Hamburger-a-gogo land. Mexico is Mariachi-a-gogo land and France is Frogs'-legs-a-gogo land.

 

“Late and Live” •
A late-night gig which has live bands on.

 

loo •
Lavatory. In America they say “rest room,” which is funny, as I never feel like having a rest when I go to the lavatory.

 

lurgified •
The eagle-eyed amongst you will know that this is an extension of a word I told you about before. Lurgy. To have the lurgy is to either have a physical or mental illness. So lurgy could be to have the flu but it could also mean to have “stupid brain.” As in when you
see a gorgey bloke and become lurgified, i.e., touched by the lurgy.

 

milky pops •
A soothing hot milk drink, when you are a little person. (No, not an elf, I mean a child). Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, when you are a child, people give words endings to make them more cozy. Chocolate is therefore obviously choccy woccy doo dah. Blanket is blankin'. Tooth is tushy peg. Easy is easy peasey lemon squeasey. If grown-ups ever talk like this, do not hesitate to kill them.

 

nervy spaz •
Nervous spasm. Nearly the same as a nervy b. (nervous breakdown) or an F.T. (funny turn), only more spectacular on the physical side.

 

nippy noodles •
Instead of saying “Good heavens, it's quite cold this morning,” you say “Cor—nippy-noodles!!” English is an exciting and growing language. It is. Believe me. Just leave it at that. Accept it.

 

nub •
The heart of the matter. You can also say gist and thrust. This is from the name for the center of a wheel where the spokes come out. Or do I mean hub? Who cares. I feel a dance coming on.

 

nunga-nungas •
Basoomas. Girl's breasty business. Ellen's brother calls them nunga-nungas because he says that if you get hold of a girl's breast and pull it out and then let it go—it goes
nunga-nunga-nunga
. As I have said many, many times with great wisdomosity, there is something really wrong with boys.

 

Pantalitzer •
A terrifying Czech-made doll that sadistic parents (my vati) buy for their children, presumably to teach them early on about the horror of life.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I am not reassured that Eastern Europeans really know how to have a laugh.

 

parky •
Another jaunty word for nippy noodles.

 

pash •
Passion. As in “I had a real pash on him until I saw his collection of vole droppings.” Or, in Masimo's case: “He is my one and only super-duper pash.” That is official.

 

pensioner •
In England we give very old people some money so that they can buy thick spectacles and snug incontinent pants and biscuits. This is called their pension money.

 

pingy pongoes •
A very bad smell. Usually to do with farting.

 

polo neck •
Polo neck is the same as a turtleneck. Having a turtleneck has never been a big selling point for me…but have it your own way if you LUUURVE turtles so much.

 

rate •
To fancy someone.

 

R.E. •
Religious education.

 

Robin Reliant •
Oh, please please don't ask me about this. Oh very well. You know how English people keep inventing things? For no reason? Well, we do. There's
always some complete twit from a village called Little Beddingham or Middle Wallop—anyway, somewhere where there are no shops or television (or a decent lunatic asylum), and the complete twit is called Nigel or Terence and he invents things like a tiny shower for sparrows, or an ostrich eggcup. A nose picker, etc. You get the idea. Anyway, one of these types called Robin invented a car that only had three wheels. A three-wheeled car. Er—that's it. That was his brilliant invention. No reason for it. It's a bit like that bloke who invented the monocycle. All they do is encourage clowns. They should be stopped really, but I am vair vair tired.

 

schiessenhausen •
Quite literally (if you happen to be a Lederhosen type person) a house that you poo in. (
Schiesse
is poo and
hausen
house). Poo house. Lavatory. Or restroom as you Hamburger-a-gogo types say. No one knows why. Oh no, hang on, I think I do know. When you all lived in the Wild West in wooden shacks, one room was both your bedroom and your lavatory. Cowboys don't mind that sort of thing. In fact they love it. But I don't.

 

Sellotape •
Sellotape is a clear sticky tape. Usually used for sticking bits of paper to other bits of paper but can be used for sticking hair down to make it flat. (Once I used it for sticking Jas's mouth shut when she had hiccups. I thought it might cure them. It didn't, but it was quite funny, anyway.)

 

Sherpa Tensing •
When English people were stopped from conquering places by spoilsports who said “Clear off, this is our land,” we had to have plan B. Plan B was to conquer other things like mountains. English blokes began hurling themselves up Everest like knobbly-kneed lemmings. The Everest folk got sick of them falling off or wandering around saying, “Where am I?” and blundering into their villages day and night in unnecessary anoraks. So they (the local folk called sherpas) decided to lead them up Everest just to get rid of them. And the head sherpa type bloke was called Sherpa Tensing.

 

smalls •
An ironic term for underpants. Well, ironic in my vati's case. If his underpants were called massives, that would make more sense.

 

tig •
Apparently you call this tag. I won't ask why because I am full of exhausterosity and also want to go to the piddly diddly department.

 

Water Board •
A bunch of blokes who look after the nation's reservoirs and water supply.

 

wet •
A drippy, useless, nerdy idiot. Lindsay.

 

whelk boy •
A whelk is a horrible shellfish thing that only the truly mad eat. Slimy and mucuslike. Whelk boy is a boy who kisses like a whelk, i.e., a slimy mucus kisser. Erlack a pongoes.

 

work experience •
Essentially this means that teenagers who are happily filling in time at school, you know, painting their nails, chatting and snoozing, etc.,
are forced to go to a shop or hospital ward or office or science lab and spend a day there, so that they know what it is like to work. As I have said many times to my mutti, I am far, far too busy to work. And anyway I know what work is like; it is crap.