Love and Secrets (3 page)

Sarah was woken
by a knock on her bedroom door. It was Boxing Day and the house was quiet. Her
brother John opened the door and sat on the edge of the bed silently. Sarah suspected
that John would speak to her about Adrian in his own good time. She had learnt
over their years growing up together that rushing her brother would not give
her what she wanted. Time was a great friend of John’s and if you knew that,
then he would be loyal and honest. So Sarah had waited and now she had him
where she wanted him, but she was still a little sleepy, starting with nonsense
banter would work best until she had her mouth and brain working cohesively.

They chatted
about how much they had enjoyed Christmas yesterday, their parents and mutual
friends, until Sarah could not hold the question in any longer. John moved
closer to Sarah after she had asked about Adrian and gave her a quick hug,
before gathering his thoughts, taking a deep breath and starting with a ‘well’.
Tears trickled down Sarah's face as John started the story, just the word
Adrian coming from John voice choked Sarah up. John spoke for what seemed to be
an eternity and when he was finished he just sat with a look of sadness and
regret. He asked if Sarah had any questions, shocked she shook her head and
asked to be alone, this was something that she had to process and work through
alone and now it was her that needed time. John did not press her, got up,
kissed her on the forehead and left.

Sarah put her
head under the covers and never wanted to see the world again. When had life
become so complicated? She stayed until the heat of the day was beginning to
suffocate her, or was it what she had learnt that gave her this feeling? She
got up, showered, and put on the kettle to make herself a strong cup of coffee.
The tears did not stop and she ended up back in the bathroom washing her face
over and over. She had to get out so she picked up her bag and car keys and
drove. She ended up at Adrian’s home football field and again the tears would
not stop. She then drove to the next town and parked outside one of her and
Adrian's favorite cafes, got out of the car and pressed her face to the glass.
Thankfully it was closed, the memories and the sound of Adrian's voice came
flooding back and so did the tears. When she got home she went straight to her
bedroom feigning a headache and cried herself to sleep.

The next morning
the fog had cleared from her head and she was able to contain her emotions. She
knew what her first step was and that was to go and see Adrian. Or should she
ring James first and tell him what was going on? Both had fundamental
consequences that could determine the rest of her life. She had known Adrian
all of her life and was content with the lifestyle he would provide her, James
was the polar opposite, known for such a short time, just weeks in fact, yet their
connection was so strong that it had all the ingredients of a couple deeply and
truly in love forever. She had no time to tell James much about her life before
coming to Sydney so maybe it was best to deal with Adrian first and see what
happens. The power of James’ love had Sarah tangled in her ability to think
rationally and she sat paralyzed, doing nothing. She stayed in her room until
her mother brought her up soup and tea, leaving her alone as she knew Sarah had
to work this one out for herself.

Logic and reason
are fantastic things. They let you look at each situation with some form of
clarity, that is, unless love is involved. She drove and ended up at Adrian’s
house. She knocked on his studio apartment door. It was nearly 11pm, but she
could hear music coming from inside. Mango barked and the door opened. Adrian
stood staring at Sarah before tears welled up in his brown eyes, he beckoned
for her to come inside and shut the door with the tenderness of a lion with a
new born cub. Sarah did not leave until 4 am, tired, relived and eager to talk
to James.

James was at
Sarah's house by lunchtime the next day. The conversation had been short, no
more than 1 minute, and James was in his car, ready to rescue his Sarah from
whatever had made her so emotional that she could hardly get the words out. No
sentence was coherent or even finished; whatever had happened was not some trivial
upset with an old friend or parent. James felt like he was walking into a minefield;
this did not shorten his stride or stop him to think about consequences however.

When he arrived,
Sarah opened the door to him. Sarah clung to him as if gravity had left her and
she needed him to stay grounded. Together they left the family home to go
wherever they could find privacy. Within the hour James had driven to a nearby
forest, the sunshine filtered through the needles of the pine trees that looked
like an army standing tall and straight in perfect rows waiting for instructions.
A small cabin had been built to accommodate men cleaning up the area for breaks
during the day. James broke the lock and opened the door for Sarah to go in. Shutters
were opened to let the light in and the breeze flow through, a wooden bench,
table and a cupboard furnished the single room.

Sarah took a
deep breath. Repeating what she had been told by her brother John, elaborating the
finer details from Adrian were difficult enough for her to hear, now she had to
explain it to James. James who had rocked her world in the most magnificent
way, made her think about the adventures that one life could have if you were
game enough to take them on. This was the man that had dropped whatever he was
doing and just taken control of a situation that he knew nothing about without
question. How was she ever going to find the courage to tell him what she had
just found out? Start at the beginning, the only place to start.

Sarah told James
all about Adrian and how they had planned to not just to get married, but have
a whole life together. It seemed to take ages just to get to the part where
Sarah moved to Sydney and how devastating and confidence draining the upheaval
had been. Now, telling James she realized that she had totally changed her
direction in life and how hard it had been, sadness seeped into every emotion
that she had. The rareness of her heart exposed to every human act, even
kindness had a melancholy undertone to it.

Until the moment
James entered her life, the dark cloud lifted instantly, hope restored and the
old Sarah reborn like a new bud in spring after a long cold winter. Now with
the bud in full bloom, Sarah was able to process what had happened and was able
to work out that she was at a crossroad in her life, although she would like to
explore both roads, this was an impossibility, and a decision had to be made.  

Sarah needed
some space before she continued her account of what had so overwhelmed her. Again,
James seemed to understand, and suggested a walk to clear their heads. The walk
took the best part of an hour and by the time they got back to the cabin they
had seen the sun set over the hills with just enough glow from dusk to lead
them onto the right road. The evening was so calm and still, whereas Sarah’s
heart was turbulent and her head frenzied with what she was about to tell
James. She just needed to open her mouth and let the words come out.

 An evening tranquility
spread across the forest, and Sarah finally started to regain some control of
herself. Her brother was astounded when he heard that Sarah and Adrian’s
engagement had been called off with no explanation. He knew something was going
on two days beforehand, when Adrian’s parents rang to arrange a meeting between
all the parents. John had overheard the phone call and the tone of his mother
voice sent a shiver up the back of his neck. He made it his business to be
secretly at home when the meeting was to take place the next day at 2pm. Even
the time was peculiar as everybody worked, not a lunch hour, so John had to
pretend he was unwell, and hide in his bedroom so that he could find out what
was going on. As he sat in his room waiting for the minutes to tick by he
wondered if he was just rash and maybe the meeting was to do with finance for
the wedding.

Adrian’s mother
started in her usual matter of fact way; no wonder she had trouble relating to
her son. It was as if she had left all her emotions at home and was delivering
a historical factual event that had no bearing on anyone. John only heard bits
and pieces of the lecture but enough to know a secret was out. The gasp from
his mother and empathic voices from both fathers gave further merit to whatever
facts where being delivered by Adrian’s mother. After leaving the house, Sarah
and John’s parents did not go back to work but sat and spoke quietly till the
evening. John had to jump out his bedroom window and walk in the front door as
if nothing was amiss at his usual time.

The next day,
after Sarah went to work, John asked was everything was OK and was told that
something had come up, was going to be sorted out within the week, and not to
worry. After John left, the tears came flooding out for her daughter. How had
this been kept a secret for so long, especially as Adrian and Sarah
relationship grew and grew from a childhood sweethearts to a serious life
partner connection? Sarah’s mother was never an angry woman, but she was angry
now. Now all she could do was wait and wait for the ensuing catastrophe to
unfold and hope to contain that anger or place it where it belonged, for it did
not belong on her daughters shoulders.

Adrian's mother
had hoped and prayed that they would want an exciting life. Sarah had been such
a happy self confident person that she had convinced herself that Sarah would
want to explore all options and countries before considering settling down. She
had taken into account Sarah's sense of fashion and her social, easy going
nature, and made herself believe that Sarah would change her son into an
adventurous person. Her son had lived in Rockdale his whole life, and she felt
he needed to see more of the world to be truly happy. When Adrian had shown his
parents the engagement ring, his mother froze and before she knew it, they were
engaged, making plans for a home and a family.

An illness when
Adrian was seven years old revealed a gene that made Adrian a carrier,
inherited at birth, of a rare blood disease that had an 80% chance of harming
any child that Adrian fathered. When Adrian was told he showed no emotion at
all, went to his studio apartment, put on some music and went to bed. The next
morning he had gone over to Sarah's home and called off the engagement without
any explanation. He did try to talk to Sarah, but no words would come out of
his mouth, so he left. To his amazement everyone took his side and he went
along with them; it seemed the easiest way. Sarah went over to see Adrian's
mother but she was aloof and hurtful, no help at all.

Adrian knew that
he would not make neither Sarah nor himself happy without the perfect picture
of a home full of love and children. The love that Sarah had for him, and he
did not doubt it to be, would slowly be eroded as the years rolled by without
children. Adrian knew that Sarah would be happy to adopt or find a different
route for them to have a family but he also knew that this was not for him. He
was not sure that he would be able to cope with not being the biological
father, whether he would be able to love these children and endure the gossip
of the town. So he had made the decision for both of them.

As time went by
Adrian understood why his mother had always seemed to interfere in his life, always
so pushing. He had a close relationship with his father and a somewhat strained
one with her. Although he had formed a wonderful bond with his father, would
things with his mother been a lot closer if there was not this secret left in
the closet? He felt really guilty for the way Sarah had been treated, the love
of his life, with him not defending her at all. He had also been astonished
that she had packed up and moved to Sydney to start a new life. The guilt and weakness
that Adrian had endured made him depressed and he went from a happy person on
the verge of a wonderful life to a void that seemed to have no ending, to a man
without a heart or an interest in life. He had stopped playing football and as
Sam now was in a serious relationship, he felt alone. John had recognized the
change in his friend and kept an eye on his mate. A drink at the pub became a
quiet drink at Adrian's studio. Eventually Adrian had opened up to John, and as
mates, the reason for the broken engagement never left the walls of his place. John
was torn by the secret he had to keep and felt guilty as he knew his sister was
struggling also, without answers.

Now John had
shared all this information with Sarah. Sarah was speechless, no words could be
found for her to express herself so she had folded herself into her brother as
he had spoken, silent except for the sniffling of heartache tears. Without a
word she had eventually left John’s comfort and went to see Adrian, and then
she rang James.

When she
finished telling James in the little cabin, it was late at night and they were
both exhausted. Neither knew what to do next, but James eventually suggested
Sarah needed her family and he would take her home and he would stay in town.
Sarah snuck into the family home and headed for her bedroom. Just before she
opened her bedroom door her mother was beside her with no words; a warm
comforting hug all that we needed as conversation and a goodnight kiss.

Next morning the
sun streaming through the window woke Sarah and she knew this was the day of
reckoning. Over a big pot of coffee she and her mother dissected all the information
that was now exposed, all the burden lifted and through honesty, some sense was
restored. Morning turned to afternoon and still mother and daughter had not
left the kitchen table. By evening every question had been answered and every
crossroad had been visited except the most important one; what should Sarah do
now? She knew there were no certainties in life, but she also knew she had to
jump in whole heartily, with no regrets.

Sarah had
considered everything that Adrian had said to her. At first she was amazed at
how shallow Adrian thought she was. She had been upset and hurt at these
assumptions. The clarity that she was able to come to, with her mother’s help,
had made her realize that she had been, not shallow, but foolish. She had created
a vision of her future life that didn’t have any unpredicted hiccups. Her
mother had suggested that she had a better perceptive on life due to leaving
Rosedale and having come out of her limited life sphere. All those
conversations that she had listened to had made her think that her mother was
right and she had become a better person for it. More willing and accepting of
different ways to live life, finding her own convention, understanding that
twists and turns are part of life, not to be avoided, but to be embraced and
explored. Sarah was then able to understand and even sympathize with Adrian’s
situation. She went to bed that night with no clear thoughts of what she would
do.

Next morning
Sarah was up early, washed, packed and sitting in the kitchen when the car
pulled up in the driveway. She ran to it with her bag, flung her arms around
the man who was waiting leaning against the front of the car, felt the warmed
and was escorted into the passenger seat. As they drove from the house they
could not keep their eyes of each other. They cried then laughed, held hands
and prepared for a future together, driving to the local park they got out, put
the lead on the dog and walked and talked and talked.

They sat and
watched Mango run with all the freedom that Adrian and Sarah, for the first
time ever, felt together. Sarah wondered how support from her family had made
her see things clearly and make a decision about the rest of her life. Plans
for a future can only be a guide, and not a rule.

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