Love Blind (10 page)

I shook my head, snapped my notebook shut, and shoved it into my backpack. I could tell Hailey that she couldn't see my list. That I'd tackle the list with her, but we didn't need to review all the things. It didn't really change anything.

Backpack hoisted on my shoulder, I stepped into the school hallway and kept my eye out for anyone looking to break the monotony of their afternoon by scuffing me up. No one seemed interested.

My brain fogged in and out with each step I took toward the door.
List. Hailey. List. Hailey.

I unlocked my bike, jumped on, and pedaled hard to stop myself from chickening out. I'd been to Hailey's house before. Today was no different.
Shouldn't
have been different. But her street felt like a full-on shift beneath my tires, pedaling through sludge until I finally got to her house.

Hailey was making out with the bouncer on her porch. His mouth looked like it was swallowing her entire face.
Jesus, dude, give the girl some air.
My bike brakes squeaked, and she pulled back, spit and lipstick smeared around her mouth. She was made up for him. Dark eyeliner and pink sparkly blush. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Stupid asshole. Him. And me.

“You came,” she said. “We were . . .”

“Yeah. I see. Okay. I'll catch you later.”

The bouncer. Jazz or Jizz or whatever the fuck his name was
stood up and shifted himself. Gearshifted his dick like I cared at all. Which I didn't. Not about him.

“I didn't realize you called in backup, babe,” he said, and Hailey blushed.

She wasn't supposed to be the girl who fell for shit like that. And she'd made a goddamn plan—with me. I gripped my handlebars and situated my foot on the pedal.

“Kyle,” she said. “Chaz has work. He was leaving anyway.”

Was she playing us against each other? Christ, tell me she wasn't
that
girl. Every part of the afternoon was suddenly mired in shit.

Chaz leaned over and gave her a long openmouthed kiss. Then he nodded at me and took off without even saying good-bye to Hailey. Classy.

“I'd kiss you, I'm so proud of you for actually showing up, but I don't think I should with Chaz and all.” She patted the spot next to her.

That was it? That was all she was gonna give me? Not
hey, sorry about the PDA
or
my bad for double-booking you when I had plans to hook up with my d-bag boyfriend
?

I should have left. Didn't need the aggravation. I stared at my feet. Green shoes, scuffed for real now because I'd worn them every day since Hailey had given them to me. My shoulders slumped.
Cultivating a friendship here. Need to try harder.

I slid off my bike and parked it along her porch. I moved
to the spot next to her, not touching but close. What the hell was I doing?

“Don't make that face. You said you weren't interested. When you
are
interested, you need to say so.” She grabbed my chin with her callused fingers. “You do it like this:
I'm interested in you, Hailey
.” She dropped her hand. “Speak up if you want me. But if not, don't give me any shit over Chaz because he gets me into clubs, he doesn't care that I'm sixteen, and he's hot.”

“Yes. Those things will get him so far in life. There aren't enough dick-shifting bouncers with a thing for minors. Thank goodness he's filling that gap.”

She nudged me with her shoulder. “Kyle made a funny. I like. Now, where's your list?”

I swallowed. “Where's yours?”

She lifted herself off the porch bench and pulled a wrinkled piece of paper from her back pocket. Tight cut-off skirt and a tank top. Almost-summer was the best time of the school year.

My hands shook again when I took the paper from her. Excitement maybe. What could a girl like Hailey have on her list of fears? I looked at the first two and handed the paper back.

“What?” she said, and I thought I saw hurt flash on her face.

“It's crap, Hailey. Those aren't fears. Grocery shopping? Painting? Really?”

She blinked and took her glasses off. She rubbed her eyes with both hands, smearing her eye makeup, and then put them back on.

“It's really fucking hard to read the signs. I'm already reading at three hundred percent on my iPad or getting my textbooks on audio. Grocery stores are a nightmare. That was a big damn thing to cross off my list.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Nice going, insensitive asshat.” But she nudged me, so maybe it was okay.

I took the paper back and she smiled. A big smeary red-lipped grin to match her bright red glasses.

“So yeah, guess you've covered that tongue-kissing thing more than once.” I tried to sound light, like I didn't give a shit that she had scrubby razor burn on her cheeks and chin from the d-bag's kiss.

“Have you?”

I looked down so she wouldn't see my cheeks. It was hard to say how much of my inner brain she could read with her eyes and all. Hopefully not that much.

“Um. No.”

She giggled and leaned against me. “Guess you've got some catching up to do.”

I shifted away and looked back at her list.

“Sex? You're afraid of sex? Haven't you? I mean, I figured with the bouncer guy or whatever. He doesn't seem the type to wait.”

There was too much space between us. Too much quiet. I got up to leave because I was fucking up this friendship before
it even really started. It was a stupid idea to come over. And what was I doing talking to her about sex? I was a babbling asshole. I knew better than this. I made a move to the steps, but she yanked me down and dropped her bare knee across my leg so I couldn't move.

“Chill, Kyle. Chill.”

Yeah, that was gonna happen.

I
peered at Kyle, willing him to relax. He was so tense I wanted to toss him into Lila's yoga class until he turned into a jelly squid.

“So Chaz and I've only hooked up a few times, not for sex. And anyway, everyone should have sex on their list if they've never done it before.”

“Why?”

“Because I don't know anyone who isn't afraid of fucking it up, you know?” I grinned and elbowed him a few times, but he shook his head, the same sort of petrified look on his face.

“Come on, Kyle. That's funny. Fuck up sex?” I laughed and knocked my knee on his thigh, refusing to let him ignore my hilarity.

The moms pulled into the driveway between the house
and the pottery shop in our boring, sensible gray Escort. Why couldn't grocery shopping take them as long as it took me?

“Wipe your mouth,” Kyle said under his breath.

“What?”

“Lipstick.”

“Oh. Shit.” I rubbed it on the bottom of my tank, so when the moms came onto the porch, I was still wiping my lips, and Kyle was staring at my stomach.

“Kyle.” Even from here I knew Lila's mouth was locked in her thin smile.

“Hi. Um . . .” He cleared his throat and rubbed his hands on his thighs a few times. “Hailey asked if I'd drop by.”

It all was awkward, and needed to be over, but probably worked in my favor, because Kyle was a lot easier to bring home to the moms than Chaz. It wouldn't be horrible if they thought Kyle and I had been making out on the porch. I stood up and grabbed Kyle by the arm until he stood next to me. “Kyle's doing a fear list with me.”

They were still half frowning. Not good.

Think. Think. Think.

“You know. Fear list. Like mine.
Therapeutic
,” I choked out.

He was smart enough to hold up my list for them to see. The problem was they were nice enough to let me keep my list private, and then I realized that maybe it wasn't cool that he could see it, and they couldn't.

Rox readjusted her grip on the grocery bags before opening
the front door. “We're going to get started on dinner. You're welcome to stay, Kyle.”

“They want to grill you,” I warned.

“Oh.” He stared down.

“We won't grill you, Kyle,” Lila said.

“We're going to my room.” I pulled him inside behind Rox.

Kyle's face turned red.

Lila pointed to the downstairs. “Keep the door open.”

Kyle looked again like he wanted the floor to swallow him.

“Lila. Seriously. My bed squeaks. I'm smart enough to make sure you're not home. Give me some credit.” I smirked.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't love embarrassing Kyle.

“Jesus. Hailey. Don't.” But that was all he could get out. It was like the blood rushing to his face drew the air from his lungs. Hilarious. Definitely worth doing again.

“Hailey. Mildred. Bosler.” Lila's eyes widened.

“Ahhh!!” I screamed, holding my hand up between us, but kind of laughing too. “You win. I think I've been punished enough.”

I ran down the stairs, dragging Kyle with me.

“Why did you do that?” Kyle asked as I pulled him into my room and shut the door behind us.

“Do what?” Even though I knew perfectly well what he meant, I wanted him to say it. Probably because I'm meaner than I should be, but also because it'd be good for him.

He stood for a minute, taking in my room. My plain white
walls. I'm sure he expected something different, but the plainness relaxed me. There would be nothing to miss when I couldn't see anymore. Hence
Painting
near the top of my fear list.

“Ever been in a girl's room before?” I teased as I elbowed his side.

He shook his head and took a step away from me. “Fear of paint?”

“Not a fear of paint. A fear of falling in love with whatever I do in my room and not being able to appreciate it when I can't see.”

Kyle nodded, processing probably.

“It's a rush, though,” I said. “Crossing something off your list. Especially when you're not sure what to tackle and how to do it. Like the paint? How do I take care of that?”

Kyle shrugged.

“Well, you think on it. But trust me, if you haven't crossed something off yet, look forward to it.” It felt like control. Conquering. Strength.

He turned a half circle as if waiting for my room to turn into whatever picture he'd had in his head. That same afternoon, I hadn't even let Chaz in the house, but now . . . Kyle stood in my room, and it didn't feel weird or otherworldly like Chaz had. Chaz had expectations. Kyle was easier.

“So. You know I trust you, Kyle. We could do it. I mean, I'd have sex with you.” I was half-joking, but it would be a simple, albeit awkward, cross off the list. Might be nice to get
another one behind me. And Chaz might expect something different or fancy or experienced. Kyle would probably be on overload with being naked—assuming we stripped all the way down for it.

“Wha . . .” A million new shades of red hit his face. Or new to me. At any rate, I could tell he was seriously blushing. And his breath had gotten sort of raspy. “Jesus Christ. Are you serious? You said that out loud.”

“Yeah, I know. But it's sort of an easy mark off the list. It's going to be awkward and weird no matter what, right? You and I could get it over with.” I stepped forward and flattened my hand on his stomach. Then I realized it might be the furthest he'd ever gone with a girl and laughed.

“We're not going to . . . you know . . .”

Silence.

“Have sex?” I waited for him to blush more or walk away.

He shook his head like he didn't know what to do with me. Probably he didn't. The unbearable quiet made me push him further. How could he stand all the not-talking?

“What if we did?” I stood closer, facing him, putting my hands on his sides, more serious now. It didn't feel as weird as I thought it might to be so close. Probably having sex with Kyle wouldn't be half-bad. I bet he'd be really sweet about it, and it wasn't like Chaz and I were totally exclusive or anything. I didn't think.

“No.” He squirmed under my hands. “Hailey.”

“Think about it.” I dropped my hands, and he immediately relaxed.

“Aren't you supposed to want it to be
special
or something? You barely know me.”

“I'm a realist.” I sat on the floor, giving him some space.

I wanted to hang out for a bit longer, and I knew he'd walk if I kept harassing him. Though maybe having to pass both moms upstairs would be enough to keep him in my room.

“Look, I'm not trying to be a dick, but it's a little insulting that you're suggesting we have sex when you just had your tongue down another guy's throat.” He sat a few feet away, crossing his legs, and leaning forward enough to rest his elbows on his knees.

“Point taken. I wasn't trying to insult you. But this . . .” I leaned over to plant a kiss on his cheek. “This is why we're going to be friends.”

Kyle didn't move.

“So. Anyway. I'm still adding to my list. I mean, ‘Spiders' is pathetic, but I can't see them well, and they're fast. I have no idea how to cross it off, you know?”

He nodded.

“Doesn't have to be a huge fear to be on the list. Sometimes you need little things to cross off so you feel like you're doing something.” I grabbed his arm. “Oh! Tess said she had an idea for that one. The spider thing. We could totally do it together.”

“Um . . . that's not on my list. And I'm not sure how someone gets over a fear of spiders.”

“You don't have to get over it, just conquer it.” I shifted slightly closer to him. “What's on your list?” I asked as I took my folded-up list back from him. He could skim the rest later. Maybe.

“I . . . uh . . .”

He was totally bailing on me. Or backing out.

“No way, Kyle. I show you mine, you show me yours, remember?”

He scratched his head a few times, and I almost snatched his pack, but he opened it and slid out a notebook.