Love By Accident (17 page)

Nothing's wrong with you, sweetie. You've been through a lot, give yourself a break.

A lot of people in the world have been through worse and they get on with their lives. Why can't I?

Lauren left the room to get another handful of tissues. When she came back Carm's next words were already on the screen.

Maybe you can. I've never heard you this angry before. Maybe it means you're ready to change.

Lauren's fingers hovered over the keyboard. Was she ready to change? Yes, the answer came fast, certain things, anyway. Not the job. Driving a car...not likely. But a go-kart? God, she'd been mortified. She didn't want him to pity her. It was his respect she was after, not his sympathy.

"Then do something about it!" she yelled at herself.

You still there?

Yeah.

You okay?

I need to make this up to Matt.

I'm sure Mr. Green Pants will forgive you.

Probably, but I still need to make this right.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone copes differently. There's no time limit for grief.

Maybe not, but Lauren knew she'd been living inside a bubble for the last few years. Breaking out of it wasn't going to be easy.

***

Why couldn't Matt have been home? It would have been so much easier. Since the ranger's office was on the other side of the tracks and Lauren didn't own a car, the times she'd met Ted for lunch, he'd either picked her up or met her at the restaurant.

"What was I thinking?" she asked, pressing cold fingers to her lips.

She hadn't set foot into a ranger station since she'd finished her shift the day of the accident. After checking out of the hospital, there was no doubt what she was going to do. She'd phoned in her resignation, packed the bare essentials, made arrangements for the rest and caught the next bus out of Waterton. What little personal effects she'd had at work had been sent to her.

Biting her lip, Lauren leaned her forehead against the brick building.

"I can't do it."

Shame seeped into every pore. Crushing her eyes closed, she wished with all her might she were a stronger person, that the good intentions and strength she'd finally found last night hadn't abandoned her.

Her eyes stung with unshed tears. Dammit!

She turned to leave, shoulders sagging in defeat. The door to the building opened behind her. Lauren spun around, smiling weakly when she recognized Danika. She watched her cross the sidewalk to her truck and drive away.

Lauren shifted her attention to the mountains. They stood proud in the background, their peaks clearly visible against the endless blue Alberta sky. The range went on for miles and miles, and yet, right then and there, it felt as though it was only hers.

For centuries the Rockies had endured the tumultuous Alberta weather, and managed to stay beautiful and majestic. They'd eroded from the elements, but hadn't vanished. And, Lauren thought, neither would she. She could do this.

Drawing in a lung full of air, Lauren straightened her shoulders and, before she could talk herself out of it, marched into the station.

Denis was behind the desk. The fact that it was someone she knew and had served at the restaurant for months helped ease her tension.

"Morning, Lauren. What's my favorite waitress doing here? Did you bring cinnamon buns?" He stood to poke his head over the counter, as though hoping she had a basket of treats.

"Sorry, Denis. I didn't bring anything."

"Jeez," he mumbled, "talk about getting a guy's hopes up."

"Come by later this afternoon and I'll make a fresh batch just for you."

She could practically see his mouth water. "I'll do that, thanks. So if you're not bringing me stuff to clog my arteries, what brings you by?"

"I saw Matt's car out front, I was wondering if I could see him."

"Yeah, sure. You want me to call him or do you want to go right in?"

Lauren's stomach was in knots simply by being in the building, but she'd made it inside. Surely she could do more.

"Um, if it's not too much trouble, I can just go back and find him."

"Sure thing." He came around and opened the door separating the reception area from the rest of the building. "It's the one at the end of the hall, on the right. You're lucky you caught him. He doesn't normally work Sundays."

Once Denis was back behind the desk, Lauren made her way down the corridor, but her feet slowed with each step. God, it was so similar to Waterton. Her hands trailed the cinder block walls. She stopped and closed her eyes. A piece of the past slipped into her mind.

She saw her old desk. Cluttered by anyone else's standards, it had stacks of papers, each one placed strategically and there was hell to pay if anyone re-arranged her order. Empty water bottles that needed to go to recycling, a glass jar of pens, all black. Pictures of mountains, mostly postcards as she didn't have an eye for photography, tacked to her cubicle walls. Her diploma, framed and matted, on the hutch above her desk was the only item she ever dusted.

When more memories wanted to charge through, Lauren opened her eyes. This wasn't the place. Still, being here, with the smell of the outdoors lingering in the corridor, reminded her of Waterton. A place she'd adored with a team of people she'd both liked and respected. Now she was just a visitor. The truth of that was bitter in her mouth.

It's what you wanted
, she reminded herself before forcing her feet to move.

The first thing she noticed when she neared the end of the hallway was the sound of ZZ Top pumping from the office on the end. Feeling a tug in her heart, she walked to the door. Sheets of paper littered Matt's desk. He was leaning forward, intently reading them, his hands lost in his wavy mass of dark hair.

Silently she watched him, feeling the pressure in her chest release with each exhale. She knocked softly on the door jamb.

"Am I interrupting?"

His hands fell away as he focused on her face.

"Lauren? What are you doing here?" Matt hastily grabbed the pile of papers strewn over his desk. She noticed a few glossy photos he'd missed and reached for them. He practically jumped out of his chair and whipped them into the pile, then flipped the whole mess over face down.

She wasn't sure what the big deal was, but it bothered her that he was so quick to hide it from her.

"Sorry, I didn't think you'd be so busy on a Sunday."

His eyes darted to the file, he shoved it further aside. "Just trying to catch up on paperwork." His smile showed a lot of teeth. "And I'm never too busy to see you, honey. Is everything okay?"

Lauren ducked her head for a second before meeting his eyes. The only emotion in the depth of blue was sincerity and concern.

"It will be. I came to apologize for yesterday. I'm sorry I ruined your plans."

"Hell, I'm the one who should apologize. I swear if I'd have known, if I had actually put two and two together before I made an ass of myself, I wouldn't have hurt you."

"You were being you, Matt. It's fine."

He grimaced. "You mean I'm always an inconsiderate prick?"

"Only sometimes," she grinned.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," he said seriously.

"I know. And I'm sorry I didn't explain it better. I shouldn't have stormed out on you. You didn't deserve that."

He clasped her hand and placed a kiss in her open palm. "There's nothing to forgive. And while I'm always glad to see you, you didn't need to come here for that."

"I had another reason for coming by. Is there any chance you can re-schedule the go-karts? I'd like to try it again."

"Are you sure?" his brows creased into a frown. "You don't have to, Lauren. It's not worth it if it's going to hurt you."

Her heart swelled with emotion. "I need to. Can you do it?"

His smile lit up his face and made his eyes sparkle. "Honey, I can do anything you want me to."

Her belly fluttered. "Can we stick to go-karts for now? I have a few hours before work, or if it's not possible, I have a few days this week."

"Well, if go-karts are all you need from me," he said with a wink, "let me give the owner a call." Matt fished a business card out of his wallet and dialed the number. Less than five minutes later he set down the receiver.

"We're good. He was going to put the carts in the shed for the winter, but he'll wait until we're done. Are you really sure, Lauren?"

"I am."

"Then there's just one more thing we need to take care of."

"Which is?"

Matt poked his head out of the office and scanned the halls. He shut the door. Butterflies danced in Lauren's stomach.

"Don't you have work to do?"

"It can wait."

His arms pulled her close and his mouth swooped down over hers. A frenzy of feelings exploded through her system and weakened her knees. Heat flowed through her blood like lava. She pressed closer, moaning softly when his tongue took possession of her mouth.

Lauren clung to him, her fingers climbing into his hair. It was silky and sensuous, just like his mouth. Matt shifted the kiss, deepening the contact and the intimacy and before Lauren knew how it happened, he'd picked her up and set her on his desk. Judging by the bewildered look on his face when he stepped back, he didn't how she'd gotten there either.

"We'd better go, before one of your staff walks by."

He rubbed his hands over his face. "Yeah. Uh, I think that's a good idea." He scanned the desk.

"What? Did you lose something?"

"No, it's just--why are you here again?"

Laughter spilled from her. "Go-karts?"

He snapped his fingers. "That was it. Let's go."

***

It was painted a gorgeous cherry red. It sounded no different than her lawn mower. But when she stepped closer, when her hand touched the metal, she didn't see the go-kart. She saw her Grand Am. When she looked across the body of the machine, it wasn't Matt she saw, it was Gil. Sweat beaded Lauren's upper lip. Her heart rattled like a diesel engine on a cold January day. She heard the wheezing coming from her lungs.

"Lauren, look at me. You're in Jasper." The heat from his hand morphed the past into present, leaving Lauren humiliated on the small asphalt track. She swallowed the bile burning the back of her throat.

"I'm okay, Matt." She wiped her lip, filled her lungs with the crisp, pine-scented air. "I'm okay."

Jamming the helmet on her head, she forced herself to climb into the go-kart. He'd chosen a two-seater and Matt folded his long legs into the other side. Since he'd already started the engine, it was just a matter of pushing the gas pedal and steering.

The little car chugged and vibrated beneath her. Lauren reached for the wheel. The rubber was nothing like the smooth leather steering wheel of her car. For a moment the forest vanished and she was looking down a stretch of snow-covered highway.

Again, Matt's touch brought her back.

"It's just a go-kart track, Lauren, we're not in Waterton," he said as though he knew she was fighting not to go back there. "See that group of tires up ahead at the turn? Just get us there. It's not far."

She couldn't look at him, it was enough that he was witnessing her weakness. Nodding, she depressed the gas pedal. The go-kart lurched, taking her heart along with it. Immediately, she yanked her hands back and her foot off the gas.

Matt shifted beside her, but he didn't look at her. Instead his gaze drifted over the treetops to the mountains behind them. It was almost like he, too, went to another place and time.

"I remember when I was learning to walk again. Just standing took all my energy. To try to cross the room seemed insurmountable. It may as well have been a marathon. One of the doctors told me to set small goals. "Just two steps, Matt, and we'll go from there," he'd said.

"That's how I started. After a few days I made it four steps. A few more days of and I made it eight steps. Then I started to set myself bigger goals. If I could just get to the chair. Then, maybe, the sink. Maybe, if I pushed it, I'd make it to the door.

"I fell more times than I could count, but I got up. And the more I tried, the easier it became." He blinked, focused on her again. "I know what it's like to think you'll never get better, but you can. You just have to start slow."

Tears filled her eyes. She could easily picture his battle and it ripped her heart to think of him struggling. But if he could do it, then so, by God, could she.

Blinking to clear her vision, she pressed the pedal again, smoother this time. The kart rolled to the first turn. She wiped her hands onto her thighs, sighted the next corner and gave it gas. It was a series of stops and starts for the first half of the track, but then Lauren kept her foot firmly on the pedal. She didn't go fast, because the speed threatened to snap her already taught nerves, but she finally succeeded in finishing a whole lap without stopping.