Love & Hate (Book Two: Love) (19 page)

I know the conversation I need to have with Cutter is unavoidable. I also know that it isn’t going to be easy. He called me and said he would be over to my house soon. It was early evening and I just finished making dinner. I turned on the T.V. as an attempt to distract myself. I am nervous. This is going to be a horribly uncomfortable conversation.

“
Paige?” I heard the front door open.

“
I’m in the family room.” I yell back. My house is huge so I don’t really know if he will hear me but I’m too paralyzed with nerves to move.

“
Hey, there you are.” He says smiling at me. He comes over to where I’m sitting on the giant couch and leans over to kiss me.

I can’t help it, I kiss him back. He bends down further and I pull him by the shirt collar into me. He moans into my mouth and kisses me passionately. I love kissing this man. I think I am addicted to him.

He finally slows and pulls back from me. “I have missed you all day darling.” He says in his sexy deep voice.

As I look at Cutter I hear the warning Tess gave me in my head.

“
We need to talk.”
Way to just blurt it out Paige!

He looks stunned. He sits down next to me on the couch and I turn to face him. I open my mouth to start my litany of questions when he says “Paige, I need to say something first.”

“
Uh…okay.”
Crapballs what now?

“
I know you are questioning everything between us. It is written all of your face Paige. You forget baby that I know you so well. I get that we need to talk about things, but you need to know I’m not going anywhere. This is my second chance darling and I won’t be screwing things up again.”

I’m totally thrown off kilter now. I was all ready to launch into my barrage of questions and now I’m totally confused. “I….uh…”
Try full sentences Paige.

Cutter lightly chuckles. “What were you going to ask me darling, before I cut you off?”

I will my brain to work and stop analyzing his recent confession. “I’m not sure how I feel about things now.” I adjust on the couch sitting up looking straight at him. “I wanted last night, I know that. It’s just that I keep thinking of you with Laney. I keep seeing you with her and its killing me. Then I started thinking about how maybe Laney isn’t the only person you were with these last two years.” I look down now scared of his answer that has yet to come.

He lets out a deep breath and he reaches over to take my hand in his. “Paige, I won’t lie to you. That is what broke us before and I promise you I will never lie to you again.”

I know the answer now without him saying a word.

“
Yes, there were others. I went through a really dark time after I came back to school. I was drinking too much and I made some really bad choices. I finally got myself under control about a year ago and I slowed down on the drinking.” He doesn’t say anything after that he just lets his words hang in the air between us.

“
How many?” I can feel myself shaking and I know I’m going to cry.

“
Paige…”

“
How many Cutter? I need to know.”

“
Four maybe five I wasn’t exactly sober for any of it.” He says quietly.

I am reeling. I don’t know what to say. I feel sick to my stomach. He slept with four, maybe five other girls. I can’t freaking believe it. I try to remove my hand from his but he just clutches it tighter.

“
Paige, please don’t. Talk to me baby. I’m so sorry for hurting you like this but I refuse to lie to you.”

I know I shouldn’t look at him because I know he will break me, but I do it anyway. He looks so frightened. The pain is written all over his face. I take in a deep breath and consider my options in my head.
I can either throw him out and be pissed off until the end of time. Or I can sit here and try to work through how I feel. Throwing him out sounds pretty damn good right now but I know from the past that will get me nowhere.

CHAPTER 20

“
Then why did you start dating Laney? I mean I guess I kind of get you being a man-whore, but why start dating Laney?” I blurt out.

He sighs in relief. He knows I was considering just throwing him out and running from all of this. “Laney has been a family friend for years. She saw me going through a really bad time and she was there for me. She helped me when I couldn’t help myself. We were just friends. It helped having her around, it made me not want to drink so much.” He lowers his eyes and looks at the blanket crumpled up between us. “She would let me talk about you. I would tell her how much I missed you and how much I screwed up. I told her how much I loved you.” He says the last part in almost a whisper.

“
Are we talking about the same Laney Davis?” I know I’m being a bitch but I can’t help it. The person Cutter is describing is not the Laney Davis I know.

“
Laney tried to get me to go talk to you and explain everything that happened but I was a coward. I convinced myself that you were better off without me and that I needed to move on. Between the booze and the guilt I had thoroughly persuaded myself that I was solely responsible for your accident, and that I almost killed you that day.”

I watch Cutter and I can see the pain resurfacing by the way he speaks about the past.

“
So one night there was a party going on at the frat, Laney and I were in my room hanging out, and she kissed me. I don’t know why I didn’t stop her. I guess I just didn’t want to lose my friend. So from that day on we started dating, you could say. I know now that I was just using her to fill the void I felt from losing you.” He continues to look down ashamed at his own words.

“
Well I guess that explains why she is so nasty to me then.”

“
Paige there is something else you need to know and I need you to believe me. Do you trust me?”
Oh shit what could be possibly worse than all of this?

“
Yes.” I don’t even think about it. I trust him even though everything that has happened.

“
I want you to know I never slept with Laney.” He says staring me in the eyes willing me to see the honesty in his statement.

“
But I saw you that night.” I say back, astonished at his confession.

“
No, you saw us making out in my bed. We never had sex.” He says again.

I’m totally shocked. I just assumed they had been sleeping together. I don’t doubt what he is telling me though, but I still find it hard to believe. “I guess I just assumed you were sleeping with her.” I tell him honestly.

“
I know you did, but I need you to believe I never slept with her. I’m thankful for Laney’s friendship and I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m not in love with her. I love you Paige. You are the only one I have ever loved.” He is gazing at me with such vulnerability it’s hard to look at him.

I love him too, I just don’t know if I’m ready to say that back to him yet. I feel like I need to be cautious with my heart still and if I say back to him I can’t protect it. “Have you told her this?”

“
Yes. I told her weeks ago. When you came back to school I knew I hadn’t moved on. I wanted a second chance with you. I told her the first week of school we needed to just be friends again but she is taking it hard.” He says.

“
Well then why did I walk in on you two?” I ask pointedly.

“
I was upset from your birthday night. I wanted to tell you everything that night but I didn’t want you to hear it when you were drunk. I was so frustrated with myself. So the night of date dash I started drinking again because I had seen you with Holden. I had convinced myself that you hated me and moved on. Laney came over and saw that I had been drinking. She suggested we go talk in my room, so we did. I passed out from drinking so much and when I woke up she was kissing me. I didn’t stop her at first and I know it was wrong. I reverted back to my old ways of coping.”

“
Okay…” I say. I have more questions now and I know he is aware of this.

He takes in a deep breath and starts again. “When you walked in on us I pushed her off me and took off after you. Tanner stopped me though. He made me wait until he talked to you first. While I waited I went and talked to Laney. I told her she isn’t the one I want. I said I was sorry for using her, but she didn’t want to hear it and stormed off.” He says with shame in his voice.

“
Okay…so then why at the bonfire did I see her going upstairs to warm your bed for you?”

“
I don’t know. When I found her in my room that night I screamed at her to leave. I told her I would never love her and she needed to move one. She ran out of my room crying and I haven’t seen her since. I do feel bad for the way I treated her that night though, she didn’t deserve that.”

“
Well that clears up her attitude with me today.” I say with a sarcastic laugh.

“
You saw her today?” He asks shocked.

“
Yes, I had to go buy grain for the horses and she was working at her parent’s store. She was less than friendly to say the least.”

“
What did she say to you?” He asks clearly upset now.

“
She was her usual nasty self. She said you would never love me because I killed your dad and ruined your relationship with your brother. Oh and she said you couldn’t possibly love me after the things you two did together. I know now she was just trying to make me jealous.” I watch Cutter groan and rake his hands over his face.

“
I will fix this Paige. I created this problem and I swear to you I will fix it.” He says taking my other hand in his and forcing me to look directly at him. “You know those things aren’t true, right? None of those things are your fault, you understand that, right?” He says concern laced in his voice.

“
Yes I know now that you don’t blame me for your Dad’s death, but it still stings to hear it. And I hate that I am the cause of the rift between you and Cooper. You may not like what he has done but he is your family.”

“
I know I need to talk to him. I just am so angry with him still.”

“
You and I both know better than anyone that anger will eat you alive.” I can only imagine how hard it will be for Cutter to have that much needed conversation with Cooper.

“
I promise you I will talk to him soon.” He says.

“
Good.” I say back to him.

Silence settles between us now and I’m left with my runaway thoughts. I’m still not certain exactly how I feel about everything Cutter told me this evening. I feel relief that he didn’t actually sleep with Laney, but I am still hurt that he slept with other girls. It’s not like he cheated on me or anything, but it still feels like a betrayal of some sort.

“
Paige…” He says pulling me out of my jumbled thoughts.

“
Yeah?” I say looking up at him.

“
Did I ruin it? Did I ruin my second chance?” He asks in a sullen voice.

“
No...I don’t know.” I sigh. “I just don’t really know how to feel I guess. Part of me is really hurt that you slept with all those other girls and the other part of me kind of understands why you did it.” I remove one of my hands from his and tuck my hair behind my ears. “I guess for right now let’s just say we are working on things.” I tell him.

He closes his eyes for second longer than a blink and nods his head. “I can live with that.” He says.

“
Good.” I say back to him.

“
It’s getting late.” He says looking out the huge floor-to-ceiling window in the living room that overlooks the rolling pastures. It is completely dark now. When he got here it was still light out. We have been talking for hours.

“
Yeah, here let me walk you out.” I tell him as I untuck my legs from underneath myself to standup.

He shakes his head like I said something funny. “You are something else, you know that?” He says with a light chuckle.

“
What?” I am at a complete loss as to what is so funny here.

“
It’s cute how you always pretend like I’m going to just politely leave. It’s like you forget who I am baby.” He says in almost a dark voice. “You forget I’m not polite, Paige.” He bends down and picks me up cradling me in his large arms. He starts walking us back to my bedroom.

“
Cutter…I don’t know…” I don’t know why I even attempt to stop him. I guess putting up a bit of protest just makes me feel better about everything.

“
Nope, not happening darling. You had your chance to send me away and you didn’t. So now you are stuck with me.” He lightly tosses me onto the center of the bed. “And I have a lot of making up to do.” He says in husky voice.

Cutter crawls up on top of me. I shudder in excitement for what is to come. He pulls my shirt over my head. He makes quick work of my bra and then begins unzipping my jeans. He tugs them down my legs and then next my panties. I am now completely naked lying underneath him.