Love Her Madly (26 page)

He stared at me with disgust, and I returned the favor. This was us. This was our great love.

Finally, he said, “I was watching you for a little while. Why were you doing that, Glo? Who was he?”

“I don't fucking know.”

“What the hell is going on?”

“You tell me!”

“I didn't see her.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Glo, I didn't see her.”

“Then where have you been? I've been calling you all fucking night. I saw your little messages on the theater. Ruby fucking Princess, Raj? Really? You disgust me.”

He stared up the street.

“Can we just go home? You're too drunk and I'm too pissed off to talk right now.”

“Why should I go home with you? You're just going to leave me anyway. I don't know why you bothered to come and find me. How did you even find me?”

Without knowing when I began, I discovered I was crying. The cigarette was growing soft in my hand from the rain. I wiped my face and took a determined drag on my failing cigarette, concentrating on my anger.

Raj walked a few steps closer. “I've been calling you for the last hour, but you didn't pick up. We put that missing phone app on both our phones, so I checked to see if you were home. You weren't.” He waited for me to say something, but I was silent. “Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I just didn't expect to walk in and find you sucking face with some fratty douche bag.” I heard him take a breath. “But I'm really glad I showed up when I did. I should have kicked that fucker's ass.”

I gulped back a sob. Goddammit, I wasn't prepared for him to be nice.

“I'm glad, too.” I whimpered. “That was fucking awful.”

He took another step closer, and I saw that his face was calm and deeply sad. I took a step toward him and rested my face on his chest. I felt his arms wrap around me, and I started to sob uncontrollably. We stood there like that for a long time, getting very slowly soaked.

“I'm sorry about the Cyn thing. It's over. I don't know what's wrong with me that I keep thinking she's back. Maybe it's stress—”

I pulled away from him and looked into his face. “She is back.”

“How do you know?”

“I met her boyfriend tonight. It's a long story, and I'm probably too drunk to tell it.”

He stepped back toward the curb, as if blown there by the power of my revelation. He hailed a cab, ushering me inside. As we sailed across the empty, rain-slicked streets, I leaned my head on Raj's shoulder and began to tell him about Ryan McMurphy and the videos that now resided in my laptop. As I spoke, the hand that had been cradling mine gradually tightened to the point of pain, and his body stiffened beside me. By the time we arrived at our apartment, he was as rigid as a rod of iron.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Raj

I helped Glo into the apartment and fed her a couple of aspirin and a vitamin B. When I went to check on her in the bedroom a few minutes later, she was passed out across the comforter, only half-undressed. I closed the door quietly and went to the kitchen to pour myself a drink.

My night had been a fucking farce.

It had taken an hour and nineteen minutes for my train to shudder back to life. When we pulled forward into the station, it was ghostly empty, except for a few lingering cops. I charged out like a racehorse the second the doors parted, fleeing the overpowering cloud of industrial-strength disinfectant that chased me all the way up the stairs to the street. It was still raining, so I had to dodge umbrella-wielding pedestrians cluttering the sidewalk like so many pinball bumpers. By the time I made it to the Chimera Café, I was breathless and sweaty. I took a moment to collect myself, but not long enough, and pushed through the door.

A bouncer halted me on the threshold, demanding ID. I produced it, all the while craning my neck to search for Cyn. He let me pass, and I spun a quick 360 in the center of the near-empty lounge. A lesbian couple pawed at one another in a dark banquette, and a trio of hipster guys sat rooted to bar stools near the television, but that was it. I walked to the rear of the bar,
ignoring the bartender's offer of service, hoping there was some unseen nook or back room that I'd missed. There wasn't.

The defeat I felt was mammoth.

I dragged myself to the bar and ordered a double bourbon. As she poured, I pulled out my phone. I had four missed calls from Glo and a voice mail from an unknown number, received about a half hour ago.

Feeling a surge of hope, I pressed “Play.” The message was only a few seconds long and all noise. I listened to it a few times and thought I could make out a female voice in the background. I swallowed half of my drink in one go and called the number.

“Hello?” a female voice answered.

“Cyn? It's Raj.”

There was a pause, and the woman's voice broke into laughter, exploding against my eardrums like jagged little crystals.“I'm sorry, Raj. It was a mean joke. Are you at the Chimera?”

“Who is this?”

“It's Oona. I saw your door, and I couldn't resist. Serves you right for giving me a beer baptism and then not bothering to say good-bye. Are you still there? That place was a hovel. I'm at the Delaware, two blocks away. Come. Let me buy you a drink.”

I couldn't speak.

“Raj?”

“I can't. I'm sorry. I have to go.”

I hung up the phone and finished my drink in one swallow. I couldn't even be angry with Oona. All of my fury and frustration surged inward. I was a tremendous rube. I saw with bitter clarity how deluded I was, how nuts I had been to think that one corny chalked message could magically undo seven years of silence. My own stupid naiveté had rendered me a modern Don Quixote, minus the elevating chivalry. I told myself that this absurd nonsense had to end. I would stop making a fool of myself. It was over.

Except, according to Glo, it wasn't.

I paced in front of the window, completely keyed up, though I should have been exhausted. I spotted Glo's bag, resting where she had dropped it by the front door, and seconds later I was powering up the computer and keying in Glo's password. She hadn't said not to watch them. I went to the Recent file, and found a handful of files with “CynX” in the name. I began with the oldest, turning the volume down low.

When Cyn appeared in full color, live and breathing on the screen, I paused it, refreshed my drink, and took a seat at the table.

Four hours later, I closed the laptop, feeling like a different man.

The few soft-focus feelings that I had harbored for Cyn lay in ribbons, viciously shredded by all that I'd witnessed on-screen. What truly shook me was not the many things she said or the acts performed, but the look on her face throughout. I knew that look. I had seen it many times during our last debauched week together. She had worked me, step-by-step, just as she'd worked this McMurphy.

I saw no conscience in those eyes. No warmth. Only calculation and expectation. Even when playacting the deepest throes of ecstasy, she watched McMurphy closely. You could almost see her tick off each hash mark as she put him through his courses, efficiently moving him toward climax so that she could, afterward, hit him with her next request. If McMurphy had ever once watched the videos with any sort of objectivity, he too would have seen how he was being played. But he was blinded by his love for Cyn. Poor miserable bastard.

I collapsed onto the couch with a lighter heart than I'd had in a very long time. Those videos of McMurphy's were a gift to me. They gave me permission to write Cyn off in a way that I'd never allowed myself before. As the first light of dawn began to
trickle through the window, I felt my guilt over our last days together evaporate. Cyn was a creature of a different sort. She operated under different rules than Glo and I. I closed my eyes and drifted into a light sleep filled with strange erotic overtones. Female forms of all colors ghosted in and out of sight, leaving impressionistic glimpses of breast and sumptuous rump. Not one of them was blond. I was, I thought, finally free.

The doorbell rang around eleven thirty. I heard it from inside the shower and finished rinsing off in a hurry. When I came out of the bathroom, I found Glo on the couch, a FedEx envelope ripped open on the coffee table before her. In her hand, she held a single sheet of white paper, covered with large blue script.

“What's that?”

“It's from Cyn. She wants to see me.”

I extended my hand for the letter. Glo looked at me, and I saw her hesitate before she handed it over. It was dated yesterday.

Dearest Glo,

I know that this is a surprise, and maybe not a welcome one, but as you know by now, I am alive and in your city. I need to see you. I don't have much time, and in truth I desperately need your help. I've wanted to reach out for so long, and it would mean everything to me to see you again. I have a room in the city. Please call the number below, and let me know if you can meet me today (Saturday). Just you. Once we talk, you'll understand.

Much love sister,

C.

PS—I know you've met RM. This will sound paranoid, but please check your coat and purse for tracking devices.
The one he planted on me was black and about the size of a tube of lip balm. Please understand, I can't let him find me.

I read it once. Twice. Glo picked up her handbag and upended it over the kitchen table. I read it again. I turned it over and looked at the back, to see if perhaps there was something I missed.

Just you.
It said.
Just you.

My mouth was dry. I emptied the mug of cold coffee that I had left on the table earlier and felt a surprisingly strong desire to throw it at the wall, or even better, at the window.

“What do you think?” Glo murmured, as cool as I was steaming. I watched her pale hands comb through the contents on the table.

“It's, uh . . .” Lights seemed to flash on and off in my head as I struggled to settle on a single way to feel. I crushed the paper in my sweaty palm and let it fall to the table between us. “It's pretty clear the only reason she deigned to contact you at all is because she needs something. She can go fuck herself.”

I choked up a bit on the last part, infuriatingly showing my hand. Some fantastic actor I was. But still, the absolute gall of it, of showing up and asking for something. But really, that wasn't what had my gorge rising and my heart thundering. It was those scalpel-sharp words that excised me entirely from the picture.

Just you.

They should have been written in blood, they were that malignant. The walls throbbed around me, wobbling like cellophane, my barely contained rage bubbling like magma. I was afraid any word, any gesture from Glo could crack me, and from that fissure, a steaming fury would escape. I didn't want to flip out on Glo. This wasn't for her.

“Son of a bitch,” she said, and lifted a small black rectangle from the table. “That fucker planted a bug on me.”

She turned to me and showed me the tracker, her eyes flashing with outrage.

“We are not doing this,” I stated.

“What do you mean ‘We're not doing this?' ”

“We're not getting involved in whatever it is she wants.”

Glo slapped McMurphy's bug onto the table. “First of all, she didn't ask you for help. She asked me. It's my decision.”

“Are you kidding?”

“No. I'm not. What difference does it make to you if I see her?”

“You're joking.”

“No.”

“Are you too blind to see that she's manipulating you?”

“How is asking for help manipulating me? It's pretty fucking direct.”

“Direct? Sure. Maybe you also noticed that her letter makes no mention of me. Does that not seem just a little bit strange to you?”

“I knew it. You're pissed off because, for whatever reason, she just wants to see me. Your ego is hurt, and you want her to suffer for it.”

“This is not about my ego. You're getting suckered by your feelings. She's playing you! She's not your friend. She disappears for seven years and only shows up now, needing help? When conveniently, you happen to work for the district attorney's office? Who knows what kind of twisted shit she wants to get you involved in—”

“We don't have any idea what she wants!”

“Exactly! Not to mention this guy McMurphy said she's a danger to you.”

“Yeah, and he also put a fucking tracer in my bag in order to find her. She's obviously the one in danger.”

“You don't know that! She's not worth this. She's not even
worth a calm, safe cup of coffee in a café. I can't let you do this.”

“Oh, Jesus, Raj! Do I take orders from you now?”

We were shouting at one another in our living room. This was not us. I took a breath, trying to get my thoughts in order. I had to get a handle on this before it went too far.

I lowered my voice, speaking as calmly as I could. “Does it make no difference to you what I want?”

“It does make a difference.”

“Then don't see her. Don't let her back in.”

“She asked me for help. Do you really expect me to tell her no?”

“Yes! I do. But you won't, will you?”

She turned away. I couldn't stop myself.

“You know what your problem is, Glo?”

She turned around, her face steely with challenge. “Can't wait to find out.”

“Your biggest problem is you've never been able to tell her no. You've always done everything she's said, and gone along with everything she ever wanted to do, no matter how stupid and dangerous.”

“That's not true!”

“It is true! Did you want to go to that island? No! She did, and you went along with it, just like always. Just like you did on that first night after we slept together. You do what she wants at the expense of yourself, and at my expense, too. It was true even when she was ‘dead.' She became Saint Cyn, flawless angel, and it got easy to forget what a controlling bitch she was. Well, for me, one thing is certain, and that is I will be damned if I let this all start back up again!”

Glo looked stunned.

“What are you talking about? That night we slept together, I came back to our room and you two had it all sorted out. I
wasn't just going along with her, you two were already in agreement! I didn't have any choice at all.”

“No, Glo. That's not what happened. I wanted to be with you. I went to your room to find you and found her instead. The whole thing was her idea, and the only reason I didn't speak against it is because I stupidly imagined that you would. You could have told her no, but you caved. You let her win because you valued her more than you valued me. And now, fucking history repeats itself! You're more than willing to walk out that door and put your life in danger for her, without any thought to how it affects us.”

Glo seemed to reel, bracing herself against the table with a stiff arm. The letter slipped to the floor without her noticing.

“I thought you liked her more than me. I thought half was the best I could get.”

“Of course you did, because
you
liked her more. She was the sun, the moon, and the stars to you.”

“That's not how I remember it.”

I saw she was trembling, and I pulled her into my arms. She was reluctant to come, but as I held her, she began to soften.

“I know you don't,” I said into the warm thicket of her hair. “But, sweetheart, there's a time and a place for certain people in our lives. Her time has passed. Please, for me, don't do this. Don't let her back in.”

She pulled back, and I thought we might kiss. But she kept pulling back all the way out of my arms and halfway across the room.

“
Manipulation—” she said, the bitter word seeming to catch in her throat.