Love Is a State of Mind: Nobody's Life is Perfect (23 page)

But Ben has been wonderful to me and our growing happiness with each other has helped a lot.   After that first night when he stayed, I wondered if it was a one-off and just something that ‘happened’ after the trauma of the vets and his news about his daughter … but it hasn’t been.  We’ve tried to cheer each other up and made a pact not to talk about anything depressing. 

We’ve been out together – to the little cinema that puts on unusual films; to the Theatre Royal to watch a funny play that made us both belly laugh and we’ve even been to the Comedy Club and seen three comedians – one of whom was hilarious; the other two were average, but we had a great time anyway, eating and drinking and enjoying each other’s company.  We’ve been swimming together, going up and down lanes, trying to outdo each other.  We’ve gone for long walks and had pub lunches.  It’s been good.

We’re taking things slowly – he doesn’t always stay; sometimes I go to his.  Each time has been better than the last – I’m amazed how he makes me feel.  When you’ve been married for so long, it’s difficult to start at the beginning again with someone. 

I feel shy when I take my clothes off.  David and I had got to a point years ago, when we’d walk around naked and not even notice each other’s bodies, except for making jokes about his paunch or my boobs.  Now, just revealing my body, with all its flaws, its wrinkles and its flab, is embarrassing.  I’m aware of my age and even though I’ve lost weight, my skin looks saggy and old and it’s true what they say, everything ‘drops’ with age.  Ben, however, being ten years younger than me and a whole lot fitter from having an active job, looks great.  Sometimes, I look at him and can’t believe it.  His body is taut and muscly; he has chest hair, unlike David, and although it’s not a six pack, his stomach is flat. 

He doesn’t notice the things that worry me about my body; he says things like, “I love your body,” and “I’ve never liked skinny women – your body is perfect.”  He boosts my confidence and says things like he really means it, and not only when we’re making love.  He’ll come up to me when I’m cooking and put his arms around me, nuzzle my neck and say, “God, I fancy you …” 

I’d forgotten what it feels like to be fancied.  David and I – things had become so routine, so ‘unseeing’ that we took each other for granted and never said things like that. 

Now, looking back, maybe I’m beginning to see where it all went wrong.  I’d let myself go, quite literally.  I’d gone happily into the mist of middle-age and was utterly complacent about how I looked, how our relationship was and our future.  I’d assumed David would always love me and I made no effort to help him.  Perhaps he found what I have now with Ben, when he met Suzie.  I feel as if my eyes have been opened – I’m not just sleep-walking into the rest of my life, like an automaton, any more. 

I love just looking at Ben’s face.  I could drown in his cornflower eyes.

His daughter is coming to stay with him soon and we’re going to meet up and go out for the day.  We didn’t meet up the weekend after Gaz died – I didn’t feel up to it.

We’re planning to take her swimming at the local pool and then maybe to the cinema afterwards, if there’s something suitable on.

*

“Daisy, this is Anna, my friend,” says Ben, holding his cherubic daughter in his arms.  “She’s the lady I was telling you about.”  They’re standing at my door, looking cold.  I usher them in and we go into the kitchen.

“Hello there, Daisy.  And who’s this?” I say, pointing to a cuddly rabbit she’s holding tightly.

“It’s Peter Rabbit,” she says.  “Daddy gave him to me.  He used to hold a carrot, but I lost it.”

“Never mind.  He’s lovely, anyway,” I say, smiling up at her.  Ben kisses her cheek and she cuddles into him.  I gaze at her; she’s just as gorgeous in the flesh as she was on Ben’s mobile phone.  She’s got the most beautiful face – huge blue eyes, like her Dad’s, a little button nose and hair like spun gold, framing her face with unruly curls.  I begin to think that Grace must be a beautiful woman.

“So … would you like a drink of … orange juice?  Or milk?”

“Mummy says I should drink water.”

Ben pulls a face at me over her head.  He says, “I’m sure you can have one drink of orange juice, poppet.  I expect Mummy means not too much …”

“Mummy says it’ll make my teeth fall out.”

“Well, just this once,” I say, grinning at Ben.  “Would you like a biscuit?  I’ve got some chocolate ones here.”  I could almost predict what Grace would say to that.

“I’m allowed one biscuit.  Mummy says … biscuits fill you up and then you can’t eat your dinner.”

I feel like the indulgent grandparent, allowing the child to eat terrible things, but Ben seems very laid back and just says, “Mummy won’t mind, Daisy.  This is a
special
day and on special days, we can eat biscuits and drink orange juice.  I may even buy you an ice cream later …”

“Can I have a purple lolly?  I had one with my friend Maisie …”

“I’m sure you can.  We’ll go hunting for a purple lolly, after our swim.”  He strokes her hair and looks at her with such love, my heart breaks for him.  “Now, where’s your costume?  Have you got your arm bands?”

“Yes, they’re in my bag,” she says, pointing.  “Are we going now?”

“Daddy and Anna are just going to have a cup of coffee, and then we’ll go, sweetheart,” he says, putting her down.

“Come with me, Daisy,” I say, “ and we’ll see if there’s anything good on the telly for you,” and I take her by the hand and lead her through to the sitting room.  I can almost hear Grace, who I haven’t even met, saying, ‘no longer than twenty minutes’.  I know you shouldn’t plonk children in front of the TV but sometimes, when they’re in a flat that has nothing of interest for a five year old, it’s the only answer. 

When I see her happily ensconced in front of something, I go back to Ben and say, “She’s absolutely gorgeous, Ben.  She’s beautiful.  I can’t imagine what it must be like for you, only seeing her now and again.”  I put my arms around him.

“I hate it, I really do.  And you’ve probably gathered, I get Grace’s rules thrown at me all the time.  It’s not Daisy’s fault, obviously, but I feel I can’t escape Grace’s hold, even when she’s not here.”  I watch as he takes his coffee and goes to sit with Daisy on the sofa, a protective arm around her, as she snuggles into him.

We try to forget things and concentrate on giving Daisy a lovely day.  Swimming is a great success – and the cinema too.  I really love being with her; I’d forgotten how joyous young children can be.  Her innocence, her laughter and her enjoyment of everything, brings back times I had with Holly and Adam and make me yearn for those times again.

If only life was as simple as a child’s perspective.

I feel sad when they both leave to go back to Ben’s place to sleep.  Daisy’s made me feel unsettled and I’m dwelling on the past too much.  I’ve
got
to look forward, I’ve
got
to make a future.  When I see Ben struggling with his present and his uncertain future, I realise that I’m not so badly off. 

I’ve got Australia to look forward to

Chapter Nineteen

“Do you want me to take you to the airport on Friday?  It’ll be much easier than getting a train.”  We’re in my flat, cuddled up on the sofa and he kisses my head, gently, and strokes my arm.

I hesitate.  I’d love Ben to take me, but am I taking advantage?  It would be so much more fun if he came and if I’m honest, a lot easier being taken in a car, instead of struggling with cases on public transport.  Also, I want to spend my last few hours in England with him.

“Well?  I’m very happy to, you know that.  What time’s the flight?”

“9.05.  It would be an early start for you …”

“I don’t mind.  Really.  Early mornings aren’t a problem for me. You know me, up with the lark, unlike someone I could mention,” he smiles.  “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you, too,” I say, and mean it.  I smile at him and squeeze his hand.  “It’s come round really quickly.  It’s felt ages away for so long …”

“You’re going to have an amazing time.  You deserve it, Anna.  You’ve had a difficult few months and now it’s
your
time.  I’ll still be here when you get back.”

I look at him.  It seems wrong to be leaving him when we’ve been together for such a short time, but … it won’t be forever and if it’s meant to be, he’ll wait for me.  If it’s not meant to be … well … that’ll be the end of it. 

It’s Monday evening – four nights left to be with him.  Our nights together are now much more regular and I’m sure that he’ll stay for the next four.

“Okay, then, if you’re sure.  It would be lovely.”

“That’s a deal then.  Have you done your online visa thing, yet?”

“All sorted.  I had a horrible moment the other day when I suddenly wondered if my passport was in date – but it was, of course.  I’m being super efficient – all the paperwork for this trip is in a special folder.  I’ve even nearly finished packing my main bag – it’s hard to imagine needing summer clothes in March.”

“What will the temperatures be like then?”

“Well, around twenty-five degrees.  Not hot by Australian standards, but a very pleasant English summer’s day … it’ll get cooler as the holiday goes on, as it’s going into their autumn … so I’ve had to think of warmer things, layers and …”

“Swimming costumes?”

“Yes, got three of those … but I’m not convinced I’ll go in the sea.  Maybe a pool, if there’s one.”

“Have you heard from Adam about when he’s coming?”

“Yes, he’s even bought his ticket.  God, I can’t wait to see him.”

My mind wanders off – I try to ‘see’ Adam as he is now.  I’m sure I’ll notice a huge difference in him.  He sounds so much more mature in his messages.  “He’s going to stay for a few days.  It’ll be such a treat.”

I show Ben the latest selfie of Adam on Facebook.  “He looks so much like you, it’s uncanny,” he says, scrutinising the photo.  “He’s got exactly the same smile.”

“Poor chap,” I say, laughing.  “Don’t tell him, when you meet him.”

The significance of what I say, hits me – implying so many things: that Adam will come back to England … that Ben will be around in the future … that we’ll still be together.

“I hope I meet him, one day,” he says, handing me back my phone.  “And Holly.  Do they know about me?”

“Well … I’ve talked to Holly about you.  She’s always so funny about it.  She’s been egging me on, teasing me, asking questions.  She thinks it’s funny that you’re younger than me.  She seems to think you’re my toy boy, or something.  But I haven’t said too much … I wasn’t sure where this was going and I didn’t want to build her hopes up.  She’s so desperate for me to be happy.”

Ben turns the volume of the TV down with the remote and stands up.  I wonder what he’s doing or what he’s going to say.  He goes out into the kitchen and comes back with two glasses and a bottle of champagne.  “I bought this, this afternoon … I thought we’d treat ourselves and celebrate your imminent adventure.”

“Wow!  That’s so nice of you, Ben.”  He peels off the foil around the top of the bottle and after a few seconds, he pull the cork out, with a loud pop.  Gaz comes into my mind – he was always terrified of corks popping, poor thing – I quickly grab a glass to catch the liquid pouring out and then he fills the rest of the glass and the other one.  We stand, facing each other. 

“So, a toast to … Anna’s Australian Adventure,” he says, laughing and raising his glass to touch mine.  “And here’s hoping you have an amazing time.”  He leans forward and kisses me on the mouth.  I can taste the fizz on his lips and savour the moment.  We both swig from our glasses.  It’s taken a long time to get here, but at this precise moment, life is good.  I’ve come a long way from that dark day in the park, when my world collapsed.  I wonder briefly how Ben sees the future.  Am I in it or is this his way of waving me off into the sunset?

“And I’d like to add something – sorry if I get sentimental, but that’s me!  I’d like to tell you how happy you’ve made me, Anna.  That day I met you in the pub … well, it was the start of a new phase in my life …  I think you’re an incredible person and … I’m just so pleased I met you that day.”  He touches my glass with his again and his eyes burrow into mine.  I can feel flutters of excitement, joy … desire, in my stomach.  “I was so lonely till you and Gaz came along.  You’ve made my situation with Daisy more bearable.”  My eyes water and I lean forward to kiss him.

We flop back down on the sofa, the TV picture still flickering mutely in the corner.  We both put our glasses down and we kiss, the kind of kiss I’d forgotten existed, until recently.  I draw back and lie against the sofa cushions and say, “Thank
you
for helping me in my
new phase, Ben.  I honestly don’t know what I could have done without you.  Especially when Gaz …”

“Sh … shh …” he says and lifts my feet onto his lap and massages them.  He bends my toes slightly and expertly rubs each one in turn.  I close my eyes, loving the intimate sensation.

“You can do that all night, as far as I’m concerned,” I say.  “It’s heaven.”

“Let’s go to bed … and carry on there,” he grins.  “I think I’m falling for you, Mrs McCarthy.”