Love Is a State of Mind: Nobody's Life is Perfect (34 page)

Adam, Jane and I are walking towards departures, my heart feels leaden with the thought of having to say goodbye to him, but it lifts when I hear this.

“Of course … what type of thing would you want to do, ideally?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I’m easy.  I’d prefer not cleaning … I’ll definitely have had enough of it by then.  Waiting … labouring … anything, really.”

“I wonder if Ben would employ you for a few weeks?  He might … I’ll ask.”

“Cool … have you told Dad, Mum … about me?”  He looks worried and I can see the little boy he used to be.

“No, I haven’t yet … are you sure you want me to?  Wouldn’t it be better coming from you?  He’ll be fine with it.”

“Yea, maybe you’re right.  I’ve got to man up – ha ha!  Yea … I’ll write to him when I get back to Byron.  God, three more months of cleaning and Jake … maybe I’ll come back earlier.”

“It’ll fly by … of course, come back earlier if you want to … but I should stick with your plans.  I’ll work out what to do about Jake.  Holly says I must tell Laura …”

“I’ll try and make him see sense, but I don’t hold out much luck.”

Jane hugs Adam and says she’ll see him at Holly’s wedding – she said they’d come over for it and stay for Christmas, the moment she heard the news.  She walks away and looks at some magazines, leaving me to say my goodbyes to Adam, alone.

“Well, it’s been a fantastic few days, Mum.  I’m so glad I came.  Thank you for being so understanding … about everything.”  He puts his arms around me and I can’t help it, but tears well up.  As we pull away from each other, he sees my eyes and says, “Don’t be upset, Mum … I’ll be home in three months and then you’ll have me hanging around the flat, leaving things around for you to trip over and eating you out of house and home!”

“I know … it’s not long, but I hate goodbyes … they’re so … final.”

We hug again, and he walks slowly away, turning once to wave.  And he’s gone.

Jane grabs my arm and we walk in silence back to the car.  “I’m going to miss that boy …” says Jane.  “He’s turned into a really great person, Anna.”

“I know, I’m so proud of him.”

*

Now that Adam’s gone, I have to do something about Jake – I’ve promised I would and I must follow it through.  Adam’s given me permission to ring Jake’s uncle Brad, as long as I make it clear that he must never be implicated.  He thinks if Brad has words with Jake, as his employer, from the point of view that he’s not doing his job properly, that might go some way to sorting him out.

So, I take the plunge and ring his number.  I explain who I am and how Adam is so concerned for his friend.  Brad sounds like a lovely bloke and is really complimentary about Adam, but says he’s noticed the change in Jake and was worried about him himself.  He promises not to say anything about the phone call to Jake, but promises he’ll give him a ‘right kick up the backside and set him straight’.  I ask him what I should do about Laura and he says he’ll ring her if I write and let her know the situation.  Hopefully, we’ve caught it in time, he says, but doesn’t sound too convinced.

I sit down to write Laura the email.  It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to write.  I know if I received an email like this, I’d be devastated.  This is part of what I wrote …

Adam’s been here for a few days and I thought I really ought to write to you, as he told me something about Jake that you should know.  I’d want to know, but I hate to be the bearer of bad news.  He’s been taking drugs – and Adam’s worried about him.  I think they both smoked weed at school, but this is a bit more than that.  He assures me it’s not heroin or anything, but other things.  We talked for ages about what to do and Adam was keen for me to speak to Brad, although he didn’t want Jake to ever know he’d told me.  You know what kids are like, they don’t want to be seen as a ‘grass’ and I can understand that.  So, Laura, I rang Brad and he was great … he says he’ll give him a hefty kick up the backside and ring you in a few days.

I hope you’ll forgive me for interfering, but we all love Jake and don't want him to ruin his life.  I’m sure he’ll be fine in the end – let’s hope Brad scares him witless!

I feel I’ve done my bit – it’s out of my hands now.

*

I know I’ve neglected Ben with all these things going on, so I sit down and write him a long email, putting him in the picture – about everything.  As I write it down, I see that Jane and Marcus, Adam … and Jake are all striving to find their way into their futures and that hopefully, I may have helped in some small way.  I never thought, when I came out here, that I would help solve other people’s problems.  I thought I was solving my own.  But, helping others, being there for them, has helped
me
too.   Behind all the grinning selfies, the happy status updates and smiley emoticons are just people, with everyday struggles.  Facebook is fun, but it doesn’t half mask the truth from us all.

Ben wrote:
You’ve certainly been through a lot since you’ve been out there, but what lovely news you’ve had about Holly.  I know how happy that will make you; I can remember you saying you were convinced he was the ‘one’. 

Now Adam is facing up to who he is, I’m sure he’ll be fine.

I popped into your flat yesterday just to check everything – all’s fine.  Can’t wait for you to be back here – Bath seems empty without you.  Daisy was asking about you when I saw her last.  By the way, I met ‘him’ the other day and have to admit I quite like him, so that’s a relief.  Daisy, who is the most important person in all this, seems comfortable with him and he’s good with her.  Grace is still the control freak she’s ever been – I have to feel sorry for the bloke, being bossed around all the time!  Good luck to him!  Rather him than me.

Daisy’s coming down next weekend – they’re having a long weekend in Devon and I’ve got her for three whole days.  I can’t wait to spoil her rotten.

I expect your holiday is going way too fast now but, for me, I’m glad that it’s under two weeks till I see you. And by the way, tell Adam I’m sure I could give him some hours – I’ve been inundated recently – I handed out some flyers and they seem to have done the trick.  I hope he’s good at wielding a paintbrush.  All my love, Ben. xx

*

I worry as I don’t hear back from Laura.  I imagine she’s been in touch with her brother and maybe even Jake.  I hope she hasn’t spilt the beans about Adam and me.  Then, about three days later, I hear from her.  I open the email with trepidation, thinking that perhaps she’s writing to end our friendship, but to my relief, it’s not that at all.  She’s thankful I told her; she’s been in touch with Brad and Jake’s had his bollocking.  We all have to wait and see if it works.  She writes:

I’m just grateful you told me, Anna.  That’s what a true friend would do, so don’t beat yourself up about it.  I’ve been honest with Jake – I told him I’d been in touch with Brad – I never mentioned yours and Adam’s involvement – and I told him how Brad is feeling about him.  We didn’t of course talk about the main problem, as I’m not supposed to know, but I made it clear to him, that he’s got to pull himself together.  Brad’s going to watch him from now on.

The next week or so is a continuation of previous days – I go to the outdoor olympic size pool and swim up and down its long lengths in the sunshine, unburdened by dawdlers or overtakers.  There are so few people in whenever I go, I wonder where everyone is … but there are so many pools around, I don’t think they ever get crowded.  So, I can perfect my technique alone in my lane, breathing slowly under my left arm.  In, out, in, out … letting my thoughts float off into the azure waters.

I catch a glimpse of myself one day, walking towards the ladies changing rooms, reflected in the tall plate-glass windows.  I see this woman, not skinny, but slim for her age – she’s not wearing a hat or goggles and she’s striding along, confidently.  What a change from that woman, all those months ago.  I can remember how I felt then, but it’s as if it’s someone else.  The hurt’s gone, the bitterness has gone and in its place is … hope.

Chapter Twenty-eight

“Have you got plenty to read on the flight?” asks Jane.  “Shall I go and buy you some trashy magazines to keep you occupied for a while?”

“Don’t worry.  I’ve got my Kindle, the Australian … and I’ve already got a Hello magazine.  I’m hoping I won’t need to read too much on this leg – as it’s night-time, I intend to take a sleeping pill again.  Once they’ve fed us, I’ll watch a film and then nod off – that’s the theory, anyway.”

My case has disappeared into the black hole and we’re walking towards the place where we must separate.  Marcus had a meeting tonight, so it’s just me and Jane.  My stomach is churning with the anticipation of saying goodbye to my sister.  We’ve become so close during these weeks and have re-found that kinship we had as children – I hate the fact that we live so far apart.

Our arms are linked and our footsteps are in unison, as we walk across the concourse.  “So, you’ll keep me up to date with all your house news, won’t you?” I say.

“Of course.  These things always take ages, but at least we’ve had some interest already.  And you’ve got to tell me all about the wedding … and the handsome Ben …” she prods me in the ribs, grinning.

“He’s meeting me at the airport … I wonder how I’ll feel when I see him again?  It’s odd, I feel I’ve known him for years, but …”

“You’ll be fine.  I like the sound of him … can’t wait to meet him.”

“How long will you stay, when you come over?”

“I suppose it’ll depend on how things are going but … at least a month, I think.  We can’t go all that way for less.  Don’t worry, I know you’ve only got a small flat, we won’t be with you all the time.”

“No – don’t be silly …”

“No, seriously, Marcus wants to go up to Northumberland, where he lived when he was a boy … why don’t you come too?”

“Maybe … let’s just see what happens … we don’t need to worry now,” I say.  “Thank you so much, Jane … I’ve had the time of my life!”  I hug her to me and we don’t let go for a long time.

“It’s been so lovely having you and you’ve really helped.  I don’t know what would have happened to Marcus and me if you hadn’t come.  I mean it.  I feel as if we were heading for disaster and now … well, it’s looking good again.  And I’m so proud of you – you’ve handled everything  so brilliantly.”  She kisses my cheek.  “It’s onwards and upwards for both of us now.” 

I fling my arms around her, one last time. 

“Right … enough of this … I must go.  Give Marcus my love.  And see you at Christmas.  I’m going to hold you to that.  No excuses.  No – “It’s too far and I don’t like flying”!  You’re coming, whether you like it or not!”

“Okay, big Sis, I get the picture.”  We stand opposite each other, all four hands linked, tears in our eyes; we kiss and I turn to go.

“Bye … I’ll email when I get home,” and with that, I walk towards Passport Control.

*

When I eventually emerge at the other end of the journey, I feel as if I haven’t slept for a year, never mind twenty-four hours.  Needless to say, the sleeping pills only worked half-heartedly and I ended up watching about six films. 

Having collected my luggage, I go into the ladies loos to try to bring some sort of order to my bedraggled hair and worn-out face.  I let the cold water run and run, cupping it and splashing my face repeatedly.  I hope that by smacking my face with water, I’ll bring some colour back into my ashen skin; the tan I’ve acquired can’t hide the tiredness lurking beneath.  I want to look vaguely desirable for Ben – as much as I’ve restored faith in myself, I still have this secret fear of looking like his ‘older’ woman.  So, despite my utter fatigue, I carefully apply eyeliner and mascara, vigorously rub moisturiser into my skin, put on a bright red lipstick and squirt expensive perfume all round my neck.

This actually makes me feel a whole lot better and I walk through the Nothing To Declare channel with a spring in my step.  I scan the crowds of people at the barrier – and can’t see Ben.  All around me, there are people hugging and kissing, people holding placards aloft with names on and families with trolleys full of cases, making their way through the melée. 

I go and stand to one side, so that I’m not in everyone’s way.  I look at my watch and realise I’ve got through quickly.  Maybe Ben’s having problems parking; maybe he’s held up on the motorway?  I turn my phone back on – no message from him.  I look around – still no sign.

To pass the time, I quickly text Holly:
Hey, I’m back!  Just waiting for Ben.  Will ring when I’ve slept.  Knackered!  Love you, Mum.

A reply quickly pings in:
Hi Mum – Welcome back!!  Rushed off my feet today at work but all’s good.  Can’t wait to tell you all our wedding plans!  Speak tomorrow.  Holly xxx

I click on Facebook and scroll down my timeline, hoping to see Adam.  There’s one photo of both him and Jake with the words,
Off to surf … Yay!
and a smiley face with
Feeling excited
by it.  They’ve got their arms round each other – I scrutinise Jake’s face to see if I can see anything different about him.  He looks thinner – his cheekbones are more prominent – but apart from that, he looks okay.  Still the cheeky grin and handsome face.  Maybe this is good news; Adam had said he wasn’t surfing – maybe he’s trying to change?