Love Is More Than Skin Deep (A Hidden Hearts Novel Book 4) (15 page)

“Did you ever find any answers?” I ask almost sarcastically.

Tanyanita shrugs as she answers, “Actually I did. Do you remember how volatile I was after Ketki was born? I probably had undiagnosed postpartum depression. When you combine that with Ketki’s autism, it was like emotional TNT.”

I can’t keep the skepticism out of my glare as I probe, “Nita, our daughter is nine. So, where have you been all the rest of the years? I’m guessing you didn’t suffer from postpartum depression all those years.”

“No, I didn’t. I
obviously
got treatment,” she snaps defensively. “It took me a couple years to get on my feet. After I did, I remembered what all those doctors were telling us about Ketki – that she needed consistency and stability. If I had come rushing back in to your lives, I would’ve destroyed all that you were trying to build with her. I know you, Mark, as soon as you had a solid diagnosis for Ketki, you would’ve been off and running—using as many types of therapy as you could possibly pack in. You are just that organized and practical. It was all I could do to get myself to work and back. I had worked so hard to get myself healthy and sane that I didn’t want to upset everyone’s applecart by trying to pretend that I was some great mother when I didn’t even have a clue. You are a better mom than I’ll ever be.”

“If what you say is true, you’re not being fair to yourself. If you had postpartum depression, you don’t even know what it’s like to be Ketki’s mom without having an impairment. How do you know you wouldn’t be spectacular?”

“Don’t do this to me, please,” Tanyanita pleads with tears spilling from the corners of her eyes. “I’ve had my chance with Ketki. I don’t see any way to go back. She was too little when I left and I was too detached. She doesn’t know me from a stranger in the line at the local warehouse store. It would be foolish and delusional for me to think otherwise. I don’t know that my heart can handle the pain.”

“Nita —” I start to interrupt.

She holds up her hand to stop me as she continues, “Mark, it’s obvious to me that Shelby loves your daughter to pieces —note that I said your daughter— she is yours. I might be her mother biologically, but she is everything to
you
. Go on and build a family with Shelby. Don’t hold out hope for me, I’ve got my own life. Be happy Mark.”

“Tanyanita, you know it’s not that easy.” I argue. “This isn’t some game of SIMS, where Ketki can just create another character if she wants a mom.
You
are her mom, whether I date Shelby or twenty other women, that doesn’t change.”

“Well, it seems that Ketki hasn’t suffered any by not having me around —” she replies defensively.

“How do you even know that?” I counter, bitterly. “You don’t know anything about her! You don’t field all the questions she asks. You don’t hear her when she talks about how she feels abandoned by not having a mother. You don’t know anything! You can’t make those assumptions. Do you want to know the honest truth? Our daughter thinks you hate her. She thinks she wasn’t good enough for you to stay around.”

Tanyanita sways in the seat next to me as she absorbs my words. “How could you tell her such terrible things about me?” she whispers hoarsely.

“Nita, I didn’t tell her any of that stuff. She made it up to try to make sense of what happened. It didn’t matter how many politically correct answers I gave her about why you left, she made up that story line in her own head and it’s the only one she will believe. It’s probably the one she’ll believe forever — unless you tell her the real truth.”

“Are you sure that Shelby didn’t tell her that just to push me out of the picture? It doesn’t seem like her, but some women will do that, you know,” my ex-wife suggests skeptically.

“Good God no! I only started dating Shelby a few months ago. Ketki started with this schtick about you hating her about the time that one of her teachers adopted her stepdaughter and brought a slideshow to school to show the ceremony. I think she was about five at the time. Since the little girl had two moms and Ketki didn’t have any moms, the math didn’t add up to her so she made all sorts of assumptions about why that was, but no explanation from me made any difference.”

“Mark, I’m so sorry. I guess I never considered how hard it would be to explain my absence. I just figured since my brain somehow didn’t operate correctly, you would be better off if I wasn’t there somehow. In retrospect, it all sounds so selfish and weird, but I never intended it to be that way, I swear.”

“Nita, I think deep down in my heart I knew that. That’s why I don’t hate you. Sometimes, I’m downright furious with you, but I never hated you for your decision. I have to be honest with you though, I don’t know what route is the healthiest for Ketki. There is a part of her believes wholeheartedly that the reason you’re not in her life is because you hate her. I think she needs to know that you don’t. On the other hand, if you’re going to be in and out of her life, I don’t know that that’s good either.”

“I don’t know where I’m going to be in your life. I don’t want to step on Shelby’s toes,” Tanyanita replies cautiously.

“That’s a whole other topic — What if Shelby doesn’t get better? How am I going to break the news to Ketki?” I ask. “I would like forever with Shelby, but what if we don’t have forever?”

“Mark, you can’t think that way. You have to think in terms of Shelby making it because you and I have had our shot and we didn’t work out so well. We make really good friends, but very bad life partners.”
 

“There’s a reason Shelby is in your life,” she says. “Let’s fight to keep her there.”

“SHELBY, WHY IS MY DAD acting so weird? Is it because you’re so sick? He wasn’t acting this way the last time. Maybe it’s because his trial got changed. Do you think that’s it?”

By now, I should be used to Ketki’s unorthodox pattern of speech bursts. This one, however, caught me off guard because I was already lost in my thoughts and one of my medications is giving me a colossal headache. Her barrage of questions draws me up short, though. Mark and I haven’t had a chance to have a heart-to-heart conversation about what he wants her to know about her mom. If I answer any questions, I would just be winging it and I’m not really comfortable with that approach. I’m more of a “honesty is the best policy” kinda gal, but I’m guessing by the weird vibe that Ketki has obviously picked up on the fact that her dad might not be in the same camp.

I try for the indirect approach as I remark, “Your dad hasn’t been getting very much sleep because I’ve been really miserable. I’ve been throwing up a lot and since I have incisions everywhere, it’s next to impossible for me to get any sleep. I’ve been bugging him a lot. Maybe he’s just cranky because he’s not used to having me around.”

Ketki twirls her hair around her fingers and wrinkles her brow for several moments before she answers, “No. No, I don’t think that’s it. You were sick before, and he didn’t act this way. Maybe it’s about Uncle Callum. Dad’s always in a weird mood when he goes to see that Jade lady. I think it has to do with the dream catcher on his back. Maybe he’s catching bad thoughts in it instead of nice ones. I wish I could draw as good as her, because then Dad would smile more.”

I’ve been half listening to Ketki’s spontaneous barrage of words until her bizarre non sequitur catches my attention. I pivot my head until I’m looking directly at her and ask, “Wait. What did you say? What do you mean?”
 

“Remember when my aunt had to drop me off early because she had a doctors’ appointment? Dad wasn’t at work; he was visiting the Jade lady. When I was there, she was showing me how she used this tattoo-pokey machine to put color in the feathers on his back. That was the first time I saw Daddy smile in a while. I just thought maybe if I could draw pictures instead of playing computer games, Dad would smile more at me. I wanted her to do one on me too, but she said she couldn’t because I’m too little.”
 

My heart crumbles in a million little pieces as I realize once again the airtight family unit Ketki and Mark really are. It breaks my heart to realize how much responsibility Ketki feels for Mark’s well-being.

I pat the couch next to me so Ketki can sit down as I reply, “You know, I’ve watched you and your dad play games on the computer before. He smiles plenty of times when you guys play together.”

Ketki’s eyebrows raise in surprise as she answers, “I don’t think you’re telling me the truth. Daddy doesn’t smile when we play computer games. He frowns a lot and then pretends not to say bad words.”

I snicker at her response, the child does not miss much. Her answer is actually dead on. “I can’t argue that you’re wrong—because you’re not. Still, in between those times when you do something really complicated or something that he can’t do, he smiles and cheers for you like you would not believe. Your dad enjoys seeing you do well.”

“
R-i-i-ight,
” Ketki replies dubiously. “So, I suppose that’s why he calls me an ungrateful winner?”

“For the sake of peace, you could tone down your victory dance just a tad. It can get a little obnoxious,” I concede.

“Maybe we should send daddy on a staycation,” she suggests.

I giggle as I respond, “A stay what?”

“On a staycation,” Ketki answers confidently. “I saw it on one of those travel channels. It would be like daddy went on a business trip. Whenever I ask him how he is after he goes away for work, he says he’s ‘absolutely fine and that the trip was super-duper relaxing’. If he has that much fun on a real business trip, he would have a really great time on a staycation where he didn’t really have to work.”

I can’t help but grin, because her logic makes me smile. Just out of curiosity, I ask her, “Now, that you got your dad taken care of what are we going to do?”

“We’re going to have a slumber party, a’course.” Ketki answers with a shrug. “My dad already said I could do it weeks and weeks ago — but you got too sick. I guess we’ll have it in the summertime instead.”

“Hmm, it might make it tricky to invite your classmates,” I remark.

“They wouldn’t want to come anyway. Remember the birthday party?”

“How are you going to have a slumber party with no guests?” I ask, puzzled.

“I’m inviting you. Dad just said that the people I invited had to go to school and be as nice as me. Since you’re a teacher, you go to school.”

I can’t fault her logic. Unorthodox, yes. Wrong, no. “Ki, that might be kind of a quiet slumber party since I’m not up to getting up and dancing and having fun. Do you mind if I invite some of my new friends?”

Ketki is pensive for a moment before she answers, “Does my dad know these people? I think that’s a rule too.”

Doing a brief mental catalogue, I nod my head. “I think all my friends are students too. I’ll check and make sure everyone is free. So, who is going to break it to your dad that he’s not invited to this shindig — you or me?”

Ketki examines me closely before she responds, “Normally I would say you, but you look a little beat up. Maybe we shouldn’t point that out to Dad right now. He might not let you have friends come over to play if he thinks you don’t feel well. I’ll handle this mission solo.”

“Good strategy. I’ll see about the rest of the crew. How does pizza and ice cream sound for the menu?”

“You’re not going to put anything yucky on it, right?” Ketki clarifies.

“No yucky stuff allowed, this is going to be an epic slumber party!” I confirm.

“Ketki, I have to say you are a most excellent video game coach. When my brother was alive, he tried to teach me this game and it just never worked because he was way too impatient with me.
Tetris
is way more fun than I ever remember. Thanks for teaching me,” Jade compliments.

“Is that why you’re friends with Shelby? Shelby’s brother died too. What happened to your brother?” Ketki asks abruptly.

I can tell that Jade isn’t prepared for the question as she visibly flinches, but she quickly recovers and responds, “I don’t know exactly, but some people that knew him said that some people were being really mean to him and it made him feel really sad. He didn’t know that he had lots and lots of other friends, so he killed himself to get rid of the pain.”