Love Is Overdue (48 page)

Avoiding him at work hadn’t been that
hard for those two days. He obviously hadn’t been interested in
seeing me either, and even though I knew he was back at the
restaurant, I kept my distance. The text he did finally send me
came mid-afternoon on Wednesday. When his name popped up on the
screen, my heart leapt immediately, and I almost choked on my cup
of coffee.

later?>

My body immediately eased and I even
smiled to myself as I sat at my desk.

I
hit reply.
when?>

I’ll give you a ride home.>

And that was it. I practically counted
the seconds until 5 pm.

Seeing him again had felt so good. I
smiled when I saw him approach – I just couldn’t help myself. I
just wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go…

But Ben held back. He didn’t look at
me the same way. I heard him unlock the car and step around to the
driver’s side to get in so I just hopped in beside him and
waited.

“
How are you, Gabby?” He
didn’t move to start the engine.

“
I’m okay,” I said quickly.
“How about you? How’s things with Sophie – what’s happening with
that? I’ve been worried but…I just figured if you needed me you
would call.”

He nodded slowly. “She’s still with
me. Maria’s back at her house and she told me Miguel is staying
with a friend for now while they figure shit out, but I don’t
believe her.” He hesitated, thinking. “I’m just taking it day by
day and doin’ what I have to do – what else can I do,
right?”

I nodded, watching him. “What are you
doing with her when you’re working? Who’s watching her?”

“
Sally mostly. She’s
picking her up after school and brings her to the restaurant by
about seven and she hangs out here with me until we go home. It’s
too late for her, though, so am workin’ on gettin’ someone to stay
at the house…”

“
I was thinking…I mean, I
get two nights a week now,” I cut in suddenly. “I could stay with
her those days, Ben, give Sally a bit of a break – I don’t mind. I
would enjoy it actually, spending time with Sophie…”

He didn’t say anything to that. He
just looked back at me with that same expression on his face that
was beginning to scare the shit out of me. It reminded me of what a
doctor would look like – about to break the news to a patient that
she was dying…

“
I can’t do that.” He
finally spoke and his voice was eerily quiet.

“
Why not?” I wanted to know. “Aren’t you the one that told
me it’s stupid to turn down help when you need it? I remember,
believe me, because you were right and I
was
stubborn. I
don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there for
me.”

He didn’t say anything again for the
longest time. It was getting pretty ridiculous, this insane amount
of silence between us. I didn’t fucking get it…

“
Gabby…” He turned towards
me in his seat then, running his hand over his head and resting his
elbow on the steering wheel. “You know how I feel about
you…”

I was confused. “No, actually, I
don’t,” I admitted.

He didn’t say anything to that. “What
I did the other day…that was wrong and I’m sorry, Gabby.” His voice
was so quiet again. “You didn’t deserve that, I was just…I’m having
a real hard time with this shit, and maybe I don’t handle stress
right – I don’t know – but I’m used to always being in control,
that’s the only way I know how to function – especially when things
are so fucked up – and right now, the only thing I can focus on is
gettin’ shit back under control…that’s all I know how to do…and
that’s the only way I’m gonna be able to do what I need to do for
Sophie…for myself…for my fucking restaurant that falls to fucking
pieces if am not around…and I can’t afford that – especially not
now and I just…”

“
What are you trying to
say, Ben?” My heart was beating furiously.

I could see the pain in his eyes and
it was killing me. “Fuck, Gabby…the truth is that I can’t control
anything when it comes to you…and I shouldn’t have to…but you
just…” His voice trailed off again, almost like he was fighting
with himself – with what he was trying to say. “Right now…with
everything going on…I just can’t do this. Me and you. It takes too
much out of me and the last thing I ever wanna do is hurt you, but
that’s all am gonna end up doing right now…”

“
Wait.” I found my voice
and cut him off. “What is this? Are you…are you breaking up with
me? Is that what this is? I’m confused.” And it was a fair
statement. I’d never experienced it before.

He stared back at me, taking in my
words in silence. It truly looked like he didn’t want to say it –
it almost gave me a glimmer of hope – but it was fleeting. He’d
already said it.

“
What if…I mean…what if we just slowed down, Ben?” My head
was spinning, racing, turning…again and again…there had to be
another way.
Any
other way. “I mean, like the way
things were with Amira and you – that was easy, right? That didn’t
cause you any stress.” I couldn’t even believe the words that were
coming out of my mouth.

But Ben just shook his head slowly. “I
could never do that to you, Gabriela. And I won’t.”

“
Well why the fuck not?” I was losing it now. “Wouldn’t it
be easier than just never seeing me again? Never kissing me or
touching me or making love to me ever again…
ever
Ben?
Really?” I was shaking. I wiped a tear from the corner of my
eye.

And that’s when he looked away. He
leaned over the steering wheel and dropped his head onto his arms.
He couldn’t bear to look at me anymore. I could feel it. And it
nearly killed me.

I caught my breath and just stared
back at him, as he lifted his head up slowly and leaned all the way
back in his seat, just staring out the front windshield yet again.
I wanted to just lean over and wrap my arms around him and never
let go – nearly as much as I wanted to just lunge on him and punch
him in the face.

“
Don’t you think you could
have decided all this shit before you made me fall in love with
you?” My voice was barely more than a whisper, but as soon as they
were out of my mouth, and I was regretting every word, his face
turned and his eyes locked with mine.

“
Gabby…”

“
What?” I shot back quickly – still hoping and praying that
he would take it all back and this whole nightmare would come to an
immediate end. “You never said it back. I know that.” I wiped at my
tears again. “I guess I should have realized it then but I just…I
guess I’m not that good at keeping shit to myself, I just…I say
everything that I feel and you always said that’s what you liked
best about me so I guess I thought that…you know…maybe you would
appreciate my honesty…maybe that was what could make you love me
too…” My voice broke then. I was done. I was beyond done. I just
wanted him to say
something
…

Ben met my eyes once more. And then he
finally spoke. “Love is a very complicated thing, Gabriela…” He
paused, and then turned and stared back out the front window. “And
this thing between you and me…it’s too much for me…that should tell
you something...” His eyes fell then. “But you don’t love me,
Gabby. And if you do, you shouldn’t. I just made a mistake…and I
got into something that I’m just not ready for. I’m
sorry.”

His words
were so final. And they stung so deep. He couldn’t even look at me
anymore. I’d never known this kind of pain. And now he was just
gonna drive me home? Fuck that.

I opened the passenger door and just
got out, slamming it hard behind me, and I refused to look
back.

Ω

And so three
weeks to the day later, there I was. Alone. And in so much pain it
took every ounce of strength I had to function. But somehow I did.
I had to. I had my mother and I had my job. Two things that in all
honesty gave me very little joy anymore, but it was all I had, and
if I lost either of them I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
Maybe jump off a bridge. Or spike my mother’s tea and then polish
off the rest of the pills myself…

As soon as that thought came, though,
I called Tony. I was fucking losing it. And I had respite that
night, which in that moment was a terrible combination.

“
I told you a thousand times already, Gabby, you need to
just come out with me and Matt – shake ya ass with us at
Celebrities
– that fuckin’ stank-assed shit-faced nigga didn’t
deserve you anyway.”

Oh Tony. He really knew how to lay it
on thick. I had so many new names for Ben, I couldn’t keep them
straight anymore.

“
I can’t go to the gay bar
with you again, Tony. The whole place just depresses
me.”

“
How is that even possible?
It’s the happiest place on earth.”

“
No, Tony, it’s a straight
girl’s version of sexual hell.”

“
So…staying home and eating buckets of Chunky Monkey and
watchin’
Beaches
over and over again in a pair of
dirty pjamas is gonna get you laid?” Tony wanted to
know.

“
I don’t wanna get laid…”
My voice trailed off.

“
Then the gay bar is the
place for you!” Tony chirped. “We’ll pick you up at eight. We’ll
pre-drink it at Spuntino’s. He drives a Chevy Spectrum but I’ll
make sure he parks it underground somewhere.”

Ω

Sitting in
my office at work during the week is what really killed me. Just
knowing he was less than 30 feet from me behind the concrete wall
that separated the travel agency from the restaurant was absolute
agony. All I wanted was to see him, to see if he was okay…didn’t he
miss me? Even just a little bit? Maybe if he saw me he would
remember how much he needed me. Maybe all I needed to do was walk
into the restaurant like I did that very first day four months ago
and step up to the counter to order my lunch and he would walk out,
carrying that fucking tray of patties, but this time instead of
just casually sliding them onto the hot-cart rack he would lose his
grip and they would go flying to the ground and he wouldn’t care,
he wouldn’t even notice, instead he would just step around the
counter and pull me close and wrap his arms around me and tell me
how much he loved me…

“
Gabby!”

I quickly minimized the window open on
my computer screen. I was stalking his facebook page again. Why the
hell didn’t anything ever happen on it? Why couldn’t he just update
his status so I could read between the lines and agonize over what
it meant for the rest of the day? What the fuck else was I supposed
to do with myself? He hadn’t unfriended me, though. That was a good
sign. Or maybe, just as he paid no attention to his facebook page
in general, he hadn’t even noticed…

“
Gabby, I think we need to
have a talk.”

It was Tammy. She didn’t look too
happy either.

“
Oh. Sure. I’m sorry, I was
just checking something…” I said pathetically.

“
I got about three emails
this week alone from some of your clients.” She sighed, just
staring me down. “A four hour layover in Panama City? When there is
a direct flight to Lima that would cost nearly four-hundred dollars
less if they left a day later? How could you not give them the
option? This is exactly why everyone books online nowadays – what
use are we to our clients if we aren’t providing any real benefit?
I think if it would save me four-hundred dollars I would spend two
hours out of my busy schedule to book my own vacation too. Wouldn’t
you?”

How the hell would I know? I’d never
even taken a fucking vacation.

“
I’m sorry, I know. I just
saw that cancellation this morning – the flight was actually fully
booked as of yesterday. I’ll call the Johnsons back right
away.”

“
Johnsons?” Tammy glanced
down at the print-out of her email. “This here says Thomas Boreman.
But it’s funny that you should mention Johnson, because I have an
email from Susan Johnson that says she’s been waiting for a reply
on her itinerary since last week Friday.”

I noticed Jeannine looking
uncomfortable at our exchange from her desk across the room. Or
maybe it was just the black velvet choker and pendant that was
strangling her. She’d been tugging at it all morning…

I nodded. “I know. Again, I’m sorry.
If you forward me their emails I’ll make sure to take care of
everything this afternoon.”

“
Gabby, I don’t know what’s
going on with you, but I’m not sure we can keep this up for much
longer. I know you’ve been having a hard time with your mother
these past few months and I’ve really tried to be more than
understanding – believe me, when my sister was diagnosed with
breast cancer last year and we had to fly her down to Arizona for
chemo, and Jim and I had to watch the girls for her, believe me –
my head was in the clouds, I didn’t know if I was coming or going,
so yes, I know what you’re going through.” Tammy did her best
attempt at looking empathetic. “But the only way to get through it
sometimes is to just focus on the things you can control, like your
work. Because you are more than capable. I wouldn’t have hired you
if I thought otherwise.”