Love Left Behind (32 page)

"You said you
would answer my questions," Jackson demanded, his face tense as if my answer
was of paramount importance.

"No, it was just
an excuse. I felt too guilty. Guilty about Sean's condition that I had caused.
Guilty about you giving up your opportunity. I thought it was best for everyone
involved if I lied," I answered flatly. "Next question."

I wasn't prepared for
Jackson's reaction. His mask slipped and his face was ravaged with pain.
"Why, Emma. Why did you do it? You were my life. I would have given up
everything for you."

"That was the
problem," I said dully. "I didn't want you to give up everything for
me." I didn't mention his betrayal. I didn't think I could take his
matter-of-fact attitude about it again.

"What happened
with Sean?" Jackson's face was remote again, the pain I had seen earlier
having vanished.

"He got better through
a lot of rehabilitation. He can walk, although he'll always have to use a
cane."

"You never thought
about starting again with him?"

I shook my head,
wanting this conversation to be over. "No. He and my best friend fell in
love and got married."

"You mean
Trisha?"

I was surprised that
Jackson remembered her name, but I just nodded. He stalked away from me, his
back towards me as he stared out the window of my living room. I didn't know
what to do so I just stayed silent.

When he finally turned
back to me, he looked lost. "All these years I thought you were with
Sean."

"Does it
matter?" I asked sadly. Jackson walked towards me and I tensed when he
gently grasped my cheek with one hand, lifting my head up to look at him.

"Of course it
matters," he said softly. "If I had the slightest inkling that you
wanted to be with me, that you didn't want to be with Sean, I wouldn't have let
anything get between us." He hesitated before continuing. "The thing
with Claire-"

"Stop," I
said, my voice trembling. "Please, just stop. I can't talk about what you
did with Claire. I realized long after we broke up that we weren't right for
each other. I was young and naive. I'm not that person anymore. You said it
yourself. I've changed."

"But I
haven't," Jackson whispered, lowering his head. "I still want
you."

My mind reeled when
Jackson's lips touched mine. I wanted to push him away but I couldn't seem to
control my body's reaction to him. Instead of being tentative, his kiss was
demanding as his lips slanted over mine, insisting on a reaction. And my
traitorous body gave it to him. My mouth opened, admitting him entry inside,
and his tongue immediately entered, stroking mine frantically. I felt a
desperation in both of us as Jackson pushed me against the wall, pressing his body
against mine, his erection rock hard. Our kiss was wild and I felt out of
control, but I couldn't seem to put a stop to it.

His hands seemed to be
everywhere and I was vaguely aware of them at the front of my shirt, hearing
buttons pop and roll on the floor as he ripped my blouse open. Our lovemaking
had been intense in the past, but there was now a violence in his urgency that
I had never felt before. He roughly pushed up my bra and broke our kiss, moving
his head down to draw a nipple into his mouth, sucking painfully hard as his
hands lowered to my belt, scrambling to unbuckle it.

I couldn't deny the
pleasure I felt, my body hungering for his. But I was also frightened by the
savagery of his touch. I didn't know this man that seemed intent on consuming
me.

"Jackson,
stop!" I pushed his hands from my belt, shocked when his hands slammed
mine against the wall, imprisoning them while he continued his assault on my
nipple. He then moved to the other nipple, suckling hard, and I watched him
immobilized, not knowing what to do.

"You're hurting
me," I finally whispered, even though a part of me wanted him to continue
his rough treatment of my breasts. I couldn't deny the pool of wetness that was
between my legs.

Jackson froze at my
words and then released my nipple, lifting his head. His eyes looked wild as he
stared at me, his gaze unfocused. He closed his eyes and took a deep uneven
breath. He looked ashamed when he opened his eyes again, his gaze traveling
down my body. The tips of my breasts were red and abraded from his mouth and my
wrists were still trapped against the wall by his hands.

He stepped back,
releasing my hands, and I hurriedly pushed my bra down and pulled together the
edges of my gaping blouse. I looked down at the loose buttons on the floor, not
knowing what to say.

"I'm sorry,"
he choked out. "I'm sorry, Emma."

I didn't look up as I
heard him walk out and slam the door behind him. I couldn't move for a while as
I just sagged against the wall, unable to believe what had just happened.

When I was finally able
to move, I slowly made my way to my bedroom, feeling as if I were in a dream. I
threw my ruined blouse in the trashcan and quickly shed the rest of my clothes,
pulling on shorts and a t-shirt. My nipples were sore from Jackson's harsh treatment
as they brushed against my t-shirt. But instead of angering me, the constant
reminder was insidiously arousing. My fear had stopped Jackson, but I realized
I was more afraid of what Jackson re-entering my life could do to me.

I couldn't stop
thinking about him that night as I tried to sleep. I didn't think about what it
meant when I got up and rummaged in my jewelry box, taking out the diamond
pendant Jackson had once given me with love in his eyes. I didn't ponder the
consequences of my emotional state of mind when I clasped it around my neck
before returning to bed. I didn't make excuses when my hands drifted down
underneath the waistband of my shorts, beneath my panties. I just wanted to
feel. My fingers found my cleft slick with arousal and I imagined Jackson's
mouth between my legs, suckling on my tight bud. One hand drifted back up to my
nipples that were extra sensitized by their soreness. My hand was wet with my
arousal and I imagined it was Jackson's mouth as my other hand rubbed my clit
faster and faster, my hips rising from the bed as I felt tension mounting. I
didn't hold back my cries when I found my release, calling out Jackson's name.
I spent the rest of the night pretending that he was beside me, loving me.

It was hard not to jump
every time my phone rang, wondering if it was Jackson. I found myself
constantly checking my phone, feeling both relief and disappointment when I
didn't hear from him. I told myself that even though I still had the same phone
number as when we were dating, it probably wasn't noteworthy enough for Jackson
to remember it. I put away the necklace he had given me, telling myself that it
was a mistake to wear it, but it didn't stop me from thinking about him.

Long ago, I had banned
myself from looking him up on the internet. It was too painful to see pictures
of him with other women, to delve into the details of his life, whether they
were reported accurately or not. But my last encounter with Jackson made the
temptation too great and I soon found myself searching his name online. That's
how I found out he was currently abroad promoting his movie. It made me breathe
a little easier, realizing that there was an ocean separating me from Jackson.

Two weeks later, I was
still feeling vulnerable from what had happened between Jackson and me when
Drew knocked on my open office door.

"Hi, Emma, do you
have a moment?"

"Sure, come
in." I watched Drew stride into my office and settle into the chair
opposite my desk.

"So, how do you
like working at Forrester so far?" Drew was tapping his thumb on his leg,
a restless movement that was at odds with his confident and commanding
demeanor. He seemed fidgety, something I never associated with Drew.

"I really like it.
Everyone has been great and I really like the clients I'm working with." I
paused, waiting for Drew to tell me the reason he had stopped by.

"Good, I'm glad to
hear that."

I cleared my throat
when Drew continued to sit there, watching me. He had stopped fidgeting but the
intensity of his gaze discomfited me even more.

"Did you need
something, Drew?" I asked gently. He smiled faintly, as if he were
slightly embarrassed.

"Sorry, I didn't
mean to just sit here staring at you. I was wondering if you wanted to get
together for a drink after work today."

I sat there flummoxed,
not understanding the intent behind his request. I wanted to assume that he was
just being a friendly colleague, but I had a feeling there was something more
behind the invitation.

"I'm not sure what
time I'll be done. I have a lot of work to get through."

"I can wait. I
have plenty of work to do too."

"Well..." I
stalled, not knowing how to ask if this was just a friendly drink or if he was
asking me out. I didn't know how to refuse either way, since he had volunteered
to wait until I was finished with my work.

"I'm usually not
this clumsy asking a woman out," Drew said with a wry grin. "I'd
rather ask you to dinner, but Celeste said I was better off asking you out for
drinks."

"What does Celeste
have to do with this?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. Celeste had been on
a mission to set me up once she found out I was single, and I was mortified to
think that she had pressured Drew into asking me out.

"I didn't know if
you were involved with someone, so I asked Celeste," he admitted.
"Celeste, being Celeste, didn't let things rest until I told her I was
interested."

"I'm flattered,
Drew, but it's probably not a good idea to get involved considering we work for
the same company." And I
was
flattered that someone as accomplished and attractive as Drew Stephens was
asking me out, but I couldn't banish the thought of Jackson from my mind.

"Forrester is
pretty lax," Drew said. "There's no non-fraternization policy and we
don't work directly together." He frowned before continuing. "This is
the worst way to ask a woman out. Let me be frank. I'm interested in you. I've
been interested since we both worked at Mass Comm, but I was in a relationship
then and I believe you were as well. You're beautiful, smart and ambitious. I
admire that."

I swallowed, not knowing
how to respond to such a candid admission of interest. I was about to gently
refuse when I thought about Jackson with Candace Stile. During my
self-destructive searches online, I had seen a picture of them together in
Spain, taking time out from promoting their movie to enjoy the sights. She had
been leaning into him, looking up at him and laughing. I had been sickened that
the image still had the power to cut me, to make me ache to be the woman that
Jackson looked down at so lovingly. At the same time, I was disgusted that
Jackson hadn't changed. He had pawed at me while he was in a relationship with
another woman.

Drew Stephens had
everything to offer a woman and he was interested in me. Work was just an
excuse since I knew he was right - Forrester didn't frown on interoffice
relationships as long as they didn't involve direct reports. I needed to
cultivate a life outside of work, and Drew was an attractive distraction from
obsessing over Jackson.

"How can I say no
to that?" I responded with a wry smile. "I'd love to get a drink with
you after work."

"Great," Drew
said beaming. "Just let me know when you're ready to leave."

I was able to push both
Jackson and Drew to the back of my mind for the remainder of the day, busy with
meetings and clients. I wasn't surprised when Marie announced that Celeste was
on the phone for me, claiming it was urgent.

"Hi,
Celeste," I said, resigned to the interrogation I knew I would be
receiving.

"I had to wait
until Drew left for a meeting so that I could call you! What happened?"

"You mean you
weren't hiding in the hallway listening to the entire conversation?" I
asked, only half-joking.

"I wish,"
Celeste harrumphed. "Marie shooed me away, telling me it wasn't
professional to crouch in the hall."

I reminded myself to
thank Marie later. "You know just as much as I do. Drew asked me out for
drinks tonight and I accepted."

"I knew you would
say yes!" Celeste squealed. "Drew just raised his eyebrows when I
asked what happened and then gave me a stack of folders to file. He's never
really shared anything about his personal life with me, so I about fell over
when he asked me about you earlier."

All the information I
knew about Drew was from Celeste, and she didn't know much about him beyond
work, despite having been his assistant for years. He seemed like a very
private person, much to Celeste's chagrin, and all I knew was that he traveled
a lot for work and had never been married.

"I think I need to
follow his lead and stop disclosing details about my personal life to
you."

"You wouldn't!"
Celeste sounded horrified, as if I told her I kidnapped babies in my spare
time.

"You'd get it out
of me sooner or later," I said chuckling. "Now I really have to get
back to work or I'll never be able to meet Drew later and give you all the details
tomorrow."

"Okay, no
problem!" Celeste said eagerly. "Remember, I want
all
the details."

I felt a hollow pang as
I put the phone receiver back in the cradle. Celeste's words were reminiscent
of the past when she would make me promise to share all the details of my
relationship with Jackson. I remembered the giddiness I felt when I recounted
one of Jackson's sweet gestures to her, and the excitement Celeste had shared
when Jackson had given me the diamond pendant. I reminded myself that those
memories were tainted with Jackson's betrayal.

It was almost eight
o'clock when I finally powered down my computer, happy with the amount of work
I had accomplished. The halls were quiet since a lot of people had already left
for the day. I quickly dialed Drew's extension, waiting for him to pick up
since I knew Celeste was gone.