Love Lessons (25 page)

“He tried to buy me this crazy expensive vintage leather coat first. That was when we started fighting.”

“Interesting.” Rose leaned back in her chair. “You fought over him buying you the coat?”

Kelly nodded. “I was going crazy, because I’d realized just how much I care about him while I was away, and I was trying to be good and not let it show. But he takes me on a freaking date, then tries to buy me things. Then, while I’m almost rigid from trying to resist him, he takes me to a gay bar—and gets mad when I dance with other guys.”

“That’s when he put on your favorite song and made out with you on the dance floor.”

“Right.”

Rose raised an eyebrow. “This is pretty textbook fairy tale so far, hon.”

“Yeah, well, I’m starting to realize they’re leaving out a hell of a lot, ending at the kiss in the castle window.”

“Less Disney and more
Shrek
.” Rose sipped her coffee. “Obviously things have not been all HEA since the bar kiss. Give me the lowdown on that.”

Kelly told her about the ride home to Northbrook, about Walter running hot and cold and freaking out. “He said he didn’t know how to behave. He was all wigged out, and he wouldn’t stop, so I kissed him. Then we went back to his house, watched
Enchanted
on his bed, then made out and went to sleep.” After hesitating a moment, he added, “There was this weird stuff with his mom the next morning. I still don’t understand everything that happened, but that’s when he shut down. I came down to breakfast, and it was like I’d caught him trying to brick himself in. His mom was crying—crazy crying—in her bedroom. I guess that happens a lot.” He stirred his hash browns with his fork. “He’s always so cool and snarky. He wasn’t then. Not even on that map. It broke my heart. I tried to help, got him to talk a little.”

“But he’s been weird since then? Putting that wall back up?”

Kelly nodded. “It sucks, because he’s more distant now than ever. In the car on the way back, I thought we’d be fine, but now that we’re back, it’s changed again, and not to what we were before Boystown. It makes me mad that he kissed me, that we started on this, because I’d rather have our old way than nothing.” He put down his fork, feeling suddenly sick. “God, I had a boyfriend for three-point-five seconds, didn’t I? And now I’ve lost my best friend too.”

“Jesus.
Stop.
” She took his hand. “You haven’t lost him. But, sweetie, you’re going to have to talk to him. Ask him what’s going on.”

“I can’t! Don’t you get it? I did that. It’s when he got super frosty.” He sank back in his chair, his stomach making him sorry he’d eaten at all. “Anyway, he keeps ignoring me. He’s out late. He was great the first few days too, but now he’s all reserved. How can I live with him and hardly see him, especially in my shitty-small room?”

“Make a date with him. Stay up late or text him or something and get him to commit to Friday night. Even if you don’t want to talk to him, go do something together. Or hell, just fuck.”

Kelly snorted. “That’d be nice, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Rose gave him a look that told him, quite plainly, that he was being pitiful. “Try getting naked. I bet that will get things started without much additional effort.”

Kelly gasped. “I couldn’t!”

“So you won’t talk to your boyfriend and find out what’s wrong, and you won’t seduce him.” She picked up her tray and stood. “Good luck with that, Minnesota.”

Walter knew this thing with Kelly was a bad idea—he’d known it since the first moment he’d realized the only way to be with Kelly was to date him. Somehow in Chicago that certainty had slipped. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be a boyfriend. He
especially
couldn’t be Kelly’s boyfriend.

Except he couldn’t break up either, because it would break Kelly’s heart. Which meant he was fucked.
Fucked.
Fucked, and nobody but nobody could help him get out of the hole he’d dug for himself.

Certainly not Cara.
Jesus.
Walter had called her up, given her the backstory, and from then on all Cara heard was that Walter was dating someone and wasn’t that so sweet that they were both hooked up now. She refused to see the problem, and the more he tried to explain it to her, the more tense their conversation became until he had no choice but to hang up on her.

Which was awkward, because before they’d gotten to the Kelly part of the conversation, he’d agreed to be her First Attendant—the millennial version of best man/maid of honor. He’d be paired with Greg’s sister, their only other attendant. Walter was genuinely eager to be that for her too, which made their fighting One More Goddamned Thing he had to deal with.

That, at least, he could talk about with Williams.

“I was afraid of this,” the professor said, reaching into the bag of microwave popcorn Walter had brought over for them to share. “I’d hoped with you and Cara it would be different, but given how many factors you’re up against, that was probably foolish on my part.”

“Factors?” Walter prompted.

“Yes. First,” Williams began, ticking the incidents off on his fingers, “you have the fact that you’re still in college and she’s not. It’s a milder but significant version of that break you have after high school with your peers. You might have had an easier time if you’d graduated together and moved to the same town, but even then you’d be making adjustments. It’s the same kind of mental makeover everyone does at semester and summer break. Ever notice how everyone comes back with some new article of clothing or haircut or
some
physical marker of change? It’s like we have to mark the cycles with something physical, but if you really watch people, you’ll see they change internally at those moments too. Little cycles get little change. Big cycles get big change.”

This wasn’t exactly helping. “I don’t see how this explains why Cara’s suddenly turned into a bitch.”

“She’s female and she’s joining the biggest, fattest relationship cult we have as a culture. I’ve seen it fell the most counter-cultural of women. Even if they don’t get swept up in it, they expel fantastic amounts of energy rejecting the pull to succumb to the bride lure. So what I’m saying is that between all the different things hitting Cara, and you, it’s frankly a miracle you’re still speaking at all.”

“Golly, Dr. Williams, you really know how to cheer a guy up.”

Williams rolled his eyes and took the popcorn into his lap. “It’s not like things can’t turn around. All relationships take work and patience. So.” He paused to munch a handful of popcorn, but the waggle in his eyebrows told Walter what was coming. “Speaking of relationships.”

Walter sighed and stole the popcorn bag back. “Please. Not you too.”

“Are you kidding? Even the professors are talking about it, how the nice young man from Minnesota charmed Casanova.”

Walter rubbed at his temples. “I thought you were trying to play nice for the tenure people. Doesn’t asking about your student’s sex life count as a no-no on that count?”

“I didn’t ask about your sex life. I asked about your relationship with Kelly. Big difference.” He helped himself to a liberal handful of popcorn. “But if you’re feeling fragile, I don’t want to push you.”

Had there been sarcasm in that tone, Walter could have handled it, but Williams was serious. Walter put the popcorn bag on the desk and gave in with a slouch. “I’m not fragile. Things are just…weird.” He sighed and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “Never mind. I should stick to not thinking about it. Keep busy with something.”

“Well, that’s always been a popular strategy in your book. You’ve ever been the shark that has to keep swimming to avoid death, at least in your own mind.”

Walter raised his eyebrow at that, then decided he’d dissect that one in the privacy of his own head later. “I can’t date him, Williams. I’m not a dating kind of guy, no matter what Cara thinks.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Why can’t I date? Jesus, where do I start?” Walter trained his focus into the popcorn bag, into the half-burned kernels at the bottom. “For one, I have no idea how to do it.”

“From what I gather, neither does Kelly.”

Walter glared at him. “Right, so he deserves someone who isn’t stumbling around in the dark. Plus, he’s a virgin in every way. I’m so far from that it’s not even funny.”

“But you care about him.”

Williams was staring hard at Walter, and it made him twitch. “Of course I do. Don’t you get it? That’s why I have to find a way to end this. Before he gets hurt anymore.”

Now Williams frowned. “Don’t you think that’s up to Kelly to decide?” His gaze turned knowing. “Unless, of course, the concern for Kelly is just a front.”

For a second Walter stared at him blankly—then frowned as he cottoned on. “Get off. This isn’t about me.”

“Isn’t it?” Williams laced his fingers together, resting his elbows on the arms of his chair.

Walter flipped him off. “
Please
. What, you think I’m scared?”

Except that was supposed to come out a lot stronger than it did, and the crack at the end of the question didn’t do him any damn favors.

He shut his eyes. “I want to do right by him. I don’t want to fuck him up. I don’t want him to end up like me, especially by being with me.”

The hand on top of his head surprised him, and he held still as Williams gave his hair a gentle tussle before withdrawing again. “Walter, someday I hope you’re able to look back at the man you were at this moment and realize how proud you should have been of yourself.” When Walter gaped at him, Williams grinned. “Yeah, Lucas. I just rubbed your head and called you a good boy. Get over it. You deserved it.”

Walter reached for more popcorn. His cheeks, he knew, were as flushed and bright as Kelly’s were wont to be. “So, this tenure shit. When are they going to let you off the short leash so you can chill out?”

“Last day of finals week.” Williams slumped back into his chair. “God, I think I’m going to go out and get drunk, either way it rolls.”

“It’s going to be fine. You told me yourself, they have to have a really damn good reason to deny you, and if they try, you already have that in with the AAUP. You’re worrying over nothing.”

“I sure hope so.” Williams reached for the popcorn bag, but he didn’t take any, just flicked the edge of the wrapper and sat back again. “I sure hope so.”

The Friday night after their return to campus, Kelly sat in the green rocker waiting for Walter to make it back from class. In the hall were muffled male curses and guffaws as their floor mates prepared for a night of partying, but in room 412, Sia’s
We Are Born
album played softly from Kelly’s laptop speakers. He stared at the underside of his loft while he rocked back and forth.

He’d set up a date, like Rose suggested, and any second now Walter was due back to the room. At which point Kelly had to figure out what to do with him. He kept trying to think of how best to start the
let’s have more sex
conversation, because it was the only one that felt safe. Except he had no idea, and the more he thought about it, the more knotted his stomach became.

When the door finally opened and Walter came inside, Kelly turned to smile at him, hoping for last-minute divine intervention. He got a good look at Walter, and his smile died.

“Hey.” He sat up in the rocker. “What’s wrong?”

It was a little surreal to watch Walter wipe his face clean of the heaviness Kelly had glimpsed there. “Nothing.” He nudged Kelly with his toe. “What do you want to do tonight? Stay in? Go out? Watch online porn?”

The last one was tossed out to make Kelly blush, he knew—and distract him, Kelly realized. Walter didn’t like that Kelly had caught him vulnerable.

Which was maybe why Kelly said, “Sure, porn sounds good.”

Walter paused, backpack suspended over the futon. Glancing over his shoulder, he raised his eyebrows at Kelly. Kelly knew he was blushing, but he kept his expression as even as possible. Something was up with Walter, but Walter wasn’t telling him. Something told Kelly it was all related to the sex thing. Or maybe that was just his ego.

Whatever. He was tired of being a predictable virgin. Watching online porn with his boyfriend seemed out of that territory. He was going for it.

Drawing his laptop into his lap, Kelly tried to play it casual. “You have anything particular in mind?”

“Why, do you?”

Walter was laughing at him, Kelly could tell—and it irked him. Kelly said nothing, only opened the locked Word document in the folder he kept very deliberately buried, retrieving a few web addresses and loading them into his browser. “This site isn’t always great, but it has a few of my favorites.”

His heart pounded as the Man Hub video began to load—at the last second he remembered to turn down the volume, just in time for the bartender to tell his waiter friend to “Suck on it.” It was loud enough still for Walter to hear, however, and though Kelly kept his gaze on the screen, he trained one eye on Walter, watching his roommate come around to stand behind Kelly. For a minute they stayed that way, Kelly with the porn going in his lap, Walter behind him. Kelly waited for a wry comment, for Walter to tease him.

What actually happened was that Walter squeezed Kelly’s shoulder and said, “Scoot forward, hon.”