Love & Light (2 page)

“I don’t think she’s trying to be emo,” I say. “I think she’s just depressed.” She pretty much admitted that to me yesterday, and it made me want to know why. Unfortunately, just when I might have been making a little headway in getting Kori to talk to me, Amanda had to show up and send her running off. I don’t even know if she wants to be my study partner. Hopefully she will be at practice later and I can ask her again.

“Whatever,” Amanda says, and her tone makes me understand why my dad hates it so much when I say that word. “Are we going to get lunch, or what?”

There she goes again, assuming we have plans together, even though we never discussed it. “Not today.” I take a step away so that her arm is no longer draped around my shoulder. Too late. I should’ve done that as soon as she showed up. Now Kori probably thinks Amanda and I are an item or something. “I’ve got some stuff to do before practice.”

“Oh.” Amanda’s face takes on a pouty expression that I’m already way too familiar with. “Call me later?”

“If I have time.” I walk away before she can respond.

––––––––

~Landon~

“H
ey, looks like your girlfriend’s here,” my buddy Jaden says as we’re walking out to the practice field.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I say, looking in the direction of the bleachers. I hope he doesn’t mean Amanda, but I doubt she’d come to watch practice. First of all, she doesn’t like baseball, and second, I don’t think I’m her favorite person right now.

Fortunately, it’s not Amanda. Instead, Kori’s sitting in the same spot as yesterday. I wasn’t sure she’d show up after what happened earlier, but I’m glad she’s here. I smile and wave to her, and she returns the gesture.

“New fan, then?” Jaden asks. “Noticed you talking to her yesterday is all.”

I shrug. “Just a friend. She’s in my Psych class.” I notice I am already calling Kori my friend, even if I didn’t really admit it to Amanda.

There’s no time to talk to Kori before practice. With Coach Brooks, if you’re early, you’re on time, but if you’re only on time, you’re late. And if you’re late, you don’t play. I don’t want to risk being marked late because I stopped to talk to a girl in the stands, so hopefully Kori understands.

I notice she stays the whole time, watching as Coach puts us through a pretty rigorous practice, including a few pitching drills I don’t really like. They seem to work, though, as I’ve already noticed my velocity increasing.

“Want to go get some food?” Jaden asks me as practice ends. “Or do you have other plans?”

I glance at Kori and then back at Jaden. “I might in a few minutes.”

Jaden laughs. “Yeah, I figured you’d say that. See you later.” He gives me a fist bump before heading off to the locker room.

I walk over to the bleachers. “Hey,” I say as I sit down. “Wasn’t sure if you’d make it today.”

She shrugs. “It’s a nice day.”

It is. The sun’s shining, and it’s warmer than usual for March in New Hampshire. I think about Amanda’s remark about how pale Kori is, and what she told me about her doctor saying fresh air is good for her. I wonder if she’ll open up more to me about that. “I’m glad you came. Hopefully you didn’t think it was boring.”

Another shrug. “It looked a lot like yesterday.”

“Yeah, practice can get repetitive,” I say. “Games are more fun.” I’d still like to get her to come to one of those, but I’m not going to press the issue and risk scaring her away. “Did you think more about about the Psych test?” I ask.

“A little,” she says. “Won’t your girlfriend get upset if you study with me? She looks like the jealous, possessive type.”

She’s undoubtedly referring to Amanda putting her arm around me, which I did nothing to discourage and should have. “She probably would be if she were my girlfriend, but she’s not.”

Kori’s eyebrow arches up. “If you say so.”

“I do, yeah. So with that cleared up, are you saying yes?”

After a few seconds, she nods. “Sure, why not? I do need someone to study with. You said your stepmother is a psychologist?”

I nod. “Yeah, so it’d look pretty bad if I bomb out on this test.”

Kori’s lips curl in the hint of a smile. “Probably. So you’re close to her, then? Your stepmother?”

Now it’s my turn to shrug. “I guess so.” It’s something I never thought would happen, but it just kind of did. I mean, she’ll never replace my mom, but I’m glad she’s around.

“How long have your parents been divorced?”

“They’re not,” I tell her. “My mom passed away a few years ago.”

“Oh, jeez, I’m...” her voice trails off, and I’m afraid she’s going to say she’s sorry, the way almost everyone does, and I get so tired of hearing. Then she surprises me.

“Mine died last summer.”

For a second, I’m not sure what to say. She probably doesn’t want to hear the ‘I’m sorry’ bullshit that solves nothing. “How?” I ask instead. “If you want to tell me, that is...”

~Kori~

I didn’t plan to tell him about my mom, but when he told me about his, it just kind of came out. At least he didn’t give me the sympathy act that everyone else does. Probably because Landon understands.

Just because we have this in common, though, doesn’t mean I’m totally comfortable opening up to him. He gets points for not prying. “Brain tumor,” I say after a minute, but don’t elaborate. “You?”

“Car accident,” he says. “Some asshole ran a red light.” He looks down at the bleachers. “Some days I want to kill him, but that won’t bring my mom back.”

“No, it won’t,” I say softly. “Life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?”

“It sure does,” he agrees. “So that’s why you’re depressed, then. Because of your mom.”

It’s a statement, not a question, and I feel myself getting defensive. “Who says I’m depressed?”

“You basically did, yesterday.” Landon smiles, and there’s nothing arrogant or judgmental about it. Instead, it just seems sweet and understanding. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know. I’ve been there too.”

I nod, but I’m not sure what to say. “Was it weird, when your dad got married again?” I ask instead, partly to change the subject and partly because I really am curious. I don’t even want to think about my dad marrying someone else.

“It was at first,” Landon says. “She’s pretty cool, though. She likes baseball.”

I laugh a little. “Is that all that matters to you?”

He shakes his head. “Of course not, but it’s a start.”

“I guess it is.”

“I have to go grab a shower and change,” Landon says, standing up. “But do you want to meet back up in a little bit, maybe go eat?”

I don’t answer right away. It’s a lot more social interaction than I like these days.

“We don’t have to talk about your mom, if you’re not ready,” he says, sensing my hesitation. “We don’t have to talk about anything, really. We can just eat.” His eyes search mine, and I know I need to say something.

Saying no would be easy, but it won’t help me any. I know that’s what Dr. Morris would tell me. “Sure, okay. Food sounds good.”

––––––––

~Kori~

I
t surprised me how easily the acceptance flowed from my lips, but half an hour later I find myself sitting at a table in the HUB’s Union Grille.

“Pizza should be ready in ten minutes,” Landon says, taking the seat across from me.  He’s got his Plymouth State ball cap on again, but wears it backward so it’s not concealing his bright blue eyes. His hair’s still damp from the shower, and curling a little where it’s touching the hood of his sweatshirt.

“Sounds good,” I say. It’s hard to remember my proclamation against dating jocks, or dating period, when he looks this cute. “I love pizza.”

He grins, looking even cuter, if that’s possible. “Does anyone not love pizza?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know. If they don’t, they’re weird.”

“I was a little surprised you agreed to join me,” he says.

“So was I,” I admit. “Tell me something. That fist bump thing with your teammate...was that an ‘I hope you score’ kinda thing?” I hope not, and Landon doesn’t seem like that type of guy.

“No, nothing like that,” he says, shaking his head. “Just a guy thing. Jaden’s my best buddy from high school. We both got scholarships here. Anyway, I’m not looking to ‘score’ as you put it. Just get to know you a little better.”

I exhale, relaxing a little. “I’m glad. You seem different from other guys I’ve met,” I say. “Which is why I’m here even though I’m not too crazy about social contact these days.”

He nods. “Yeah, I totally get that.”

“It’s like nobody understands. They just think I’m an anti-social freak.”

“I understand,” Landon says. “And I definitely don’t think you’re a freak.”

That’s a relief, because so many people do. “Tell me something. Did you talk to someone after your mom died? How’d you get through it?” He seems happy, well-adjusted, normal. And I’m not sure I’ll ever feel normal again.

“You mean like a therapist or a counselor?” He asks, then shakes his head. “No. My dad tried to get me to, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to handle things my way. He went to grief counseling, though, and that’s how he ended up meeting my future stepmother—on a blind date set up by his therapist, who works in the same building she does.” He takes a drink of soda. “Totally weird.”

Yet it must have worked out, because the way he talks, everyone’s happy now. “How did you handle it, then? What’s your way?” I’m curious, because even though I know Dr. Morris means well, I’m not sure he’s helping me. I’m still just as depressed as when I started. I’m not sure seeing a therapist is the answer either, though, so I’m interested in how other people have gotten through something like this.

“I don’t know,” Landon says. “I kept busy with school and baseball. I wanted to win a scholarship to make my mom proud. That kept me motivated. Sometimes, though, I just wanted to hit something. Hurt something.” He takes another drink. “It’s gonna sound like a total guy thing to you, but I went to the gym and I hit the punching bag. A lot. I pictured it as the jerk who hit my mom’s car. And I pretended I was hitting him when I hit that bag.”

I smile a little, in spite of myself. It does sound like a guy thing, but it also sounds like it might work. “At least you could pretend you were hitting the asshole that caused the accident. Something tangible. Who am I supposed to hit or blame for my mom getting sick? God? Because I do get angry with Him sometimes.” It takes a lot to admit that, and I wonder if it’s all too heavy and might scare Landon off.

“Totally understandable,” he says. “If you want, we can go by the rec center after dinner and I’ll show you how to hit a bag, let some steam out.” They call our order number and he pushes his chair back. “I’ll go get our food, but I mean that. Think about it.”

~Landon~

I’m relieved when our food’s ready, because things are getting kind of heavy. Definitely not the sort of conversation I’m used to having the first time I have dinner with a girl. This isn’t a typical date, though. For one thing, it’s not a date. And Kori’s not like other girls. She’s seen more and lived through more pain.

“Here’s the pizza,” I say needlessly as I set it on the table.

“It looks great,” Kori says and reaches for a slice. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure.” I grab my own slice and take a bite. I’m not sure how to handle things from here. Does she want to talk more about her mom, open up to someone? Or is it too painful for her yet?

It makes me wonder how my stepmother can do the work she does and be so good at it. She always seems to know the right thing to the say. Maybe it’s years of practice and training. I asked her about it once, and she said she has to trust her instincts a lot.

Instincts. My instincts say Kori needs a break from the heavy stuff.

“I don’t even know your last name,” I say.

“Walsh,” she answers. “You?”

“Grayson.” This is easier. Typical getting to know someone type of stuff. It’s just a little weird to be getting around to it after we’ve already talked about losing our moms and being angry with God. “Are you from New Hampshire?”

“Yeah, Ashland,” she says, naming a town only about ten miles from Plymouth. “I didn’t want to go very far away from home. Things are still hard for my dad and my little brother, you know?”

“For sure.”

“I was going to live at home, but my dad actually wanted me to live on campus.” She takes a bite of pizza and washes it down with a swallow of soda. “What about you? Where are you from? And any siblings?”

“I’m from a little suburb of Concord called Hampden Park,” I say. “And I was an only child, but when my dad married Liz, I gained a stepsister. And she recently made me an uncle. My niece, Grace, is six months old.”

“Wow,” Kori says.

“Yeah, I’m still getting used to that. To go from being an only child to Uncle Landon in about a year’s time. She’s a cutie, though.” I could take out my phone and show Kori some pictures, but I’m not going to do that unless she asks. She may not be the baby type. I didn’t think I was, either, until the first time I held Grace.

“So you’re just the perfect, happy family now, huh?” Kori asks, and I’m pretty sure she’s being sarcastic.

“Nontraditional family, and far from perfect. We do okay, though.” She’s made me a touch defensive.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to strike a nerve. I’m glad you’re happy.” Kori turns her attention back to her food, so I reach for another slice of pizza and we eat in silence for a few minutes.

It’s Kori who starts the conversation again after we’ve almost finished off the whole pizza. “I’ve thought about what you said earlier. I would like to go punch that bag, if the offer still stands.”

.

––––––––

~Landon~

“H
ave you ever kickboxed before?” I ask Kori once we’re at the rec center on campus. “I know they have some classes here.”

She shakes her head. “No. I’ve done Zumba a couple times, and yoga, but no kickboxing.”

“My stepmom’s into yoga. She tells me I should try it, but I don’t think it’s a guy thing.” I shrug. “Anyway, I’ll show you a few basic boxing moves, then let you take over, work some frustration out.” I have no idea if this will help her, but what can it hurt?