Love Locked Down (5 page)

I'd also lugged in an entire bedroom set along with pillows. All of which had to be searched by hand and ran through the scanner. The strip search was so beyond humiliating I didn't know if I'd be able to go through it again. Those horny ass guards were touching and feeling all on my panties and bras. Fuck that. I'm not going to
ever
go through this again. Terrence better stay his ass out of jail if he wants to stay married to me.

This damn sure better be a great visit despite the circumstances for me to ever go through this shit again. Prisoners were only allowed conjugal visits every few months anyways so we'd see how this one went. I heard a knock at the door.

“ Come in” I called out nervously.

Terrence was escorted in by the guard.

My heart sped up at the mere sight of him.

“ Okay you two enjoy your weekend. You've both been searched for contraband and from here on out the only things you need to do are this. Every six hours this phone...,”The guard said pointing to the phone in the kitchen “...as well as the phone in the bedroom will ring. Your obligation Hill,is to answer it each and every time it rings. Do you understand?”

“ I most certainly do.”

“ No screwing around Hill. If you don't answer that phone each and every time it rings guards will be here with guns within minutes. The rest of your visit will be over and you wont be eligible for any other visits and I don't just mean conjugal.” the older senior corrections officer said sternly.

“ I definitely understand Officer Richards you'll be tired of hearing my voice by the end of this visit.” Terrence said trying to contain his laughter.

I thought seeing him like this would put me at ease but I was more nervous than ever. I'm about to actually spend two nights with my husband.

“ Okay you two well,have a great weekend and see you when it's time for the night count. You still  have to do that the next two nights. Someone will be here to see you at ten.” he said walking out the door.

We both stood there a few moments silently looking at one another before Terrence slowly walked over to the door and locked it.

“ I'm glad you came Dana” he said a slow smile spreading across his face. “ I appreciate it. I know it wasn't easy going through all you had to just to make it to this room.”

“ This weekend better be damn good Terrence. Checking in was the most humiliating experience I've ever gone through. I've done some things to be with you I've never even considered.”

“ I know you have. I hope by the end of the weekend you feel like I'm worth it. I keep telling you that, but I know you have to feel it for yourself. I know it's hard to see given my situation right now but trust me. Haven't I done everything I said I would and then some concerning you so far?”

“ You keep saying that...I don't know it though. You're my husband and I don't know anything about you.” I said wringing my hands together. I don't know why my palms were so sweaty all of a sudden.

“ Dana we've been married for months now. Our conversations don't mean anything to you? They've come to mean a lot to me. You know more about me than you think you do. I intend to make every minute count this weekend so you don't feel like that anymore. Can we start by me hugging and kissing my wife? I haven't kissed you since the day we got married...and I'm sorry baby but that really didn't count. You kissed me on the cheek.” Terrence said laughing.

“ All those strange people were there Terrence! Might I also add it was a week after I first laid eyes on you. The third time I'd even seen you.” I said shaking my head.

“ Well by no means just because you're here do I want you to feel pressured....,”

“ No pressure? I find that hard to believe. We're together but the clock is ticking. It's already ten minutes after nine. We don't have a minute to waste.” I was a wreck. My nerves were all over the place.

Terrence walked over to the small dinette table I was standing near until he was towering over me. I took a few nervous steps back and leaned my head back to look him in the eyes. My heart felt like it was swimming in a sea of warm, sweet chocolate just looking in his eyes but my mind was warning me to be careful. I didn't want to offend him but I couldn't help being a little bit scared and a whole lot intimidated by him. Besides even though there were guards nearby,it was my first time being all alone with him and he
was
a convict.

We'd spent countless hours talking over the last few months during our visits. Terrence told me about his past affiliations with selling drugs and it was still hard for me to accept the fact that was his lifestyle. I wasn't completely innocent to the ways of the world but I'd never openly associated with people who sold drugs. I didn't have a problem letting anyone know that in that regard I'd grown up sheltered and with the exception of the situation my father had put me in six months ago ,all my life I'd never wanted for anything.

“ It's not going to always be like this Dana. When I get out I hope you decide to still be my wife. I actually think this has taught me a lot. You shouldn't take the time you do have with your loved ones for granted. People should spend every minute with their loved ones as if it's their last.” Terrence said taking Dana's soft hands in his.

“ Let's just enjoy our time getting to know each other okay? No pressure. Just you and I getting to know each other a little deeper. You makin' me feel bad ma. You over here shaking an shit. I'd never hurt you Dana. I need for you to believe that about me if you don't believe nothing else.”

Dana's body sagged a little as she exhaled.

“ How do you know how to do that?”

“ What?”

“ It's like you know exactly what to say to me to make me want to know you a little more every time. I keep waiting for you to say something to make me run from this crazy ass situation we're in but it's not happening. You keep pulling me in more and more. You might just be running some crazy game on me. I hear that's what all you men in jail do anyway. You might be saying the same thing to five other women right now.” I said suddenly angry with myself. I was an idiot. Terrence jail or no jail was too goddamn fine to just be talking to me. Writing just to me. Who else was coming to visit him on the days I wasn't here?

“ That's what you really think about me Dana? When you look at me, when you come visit,after you hang up the phone from talking to me every day...sometimes twice a day. That's what you feel?Those are the only thoughts that come to your mind when you think about me is that I gotta be some low-life ass nigga sittin' in my cell writing 50 letters a day to women? To what Dana? Put money on my books? Send me pictures to jack my dick too?

I'ma say some shit to you right now that I hope I never have to say again. At this moment right now,even with me locked up Dana, you don't bring nothing to
my
table but you. You feel what I'm saying? I'm paying your bills to make it easy on you. That wasn't even part of our deal mind you. Not the other way around. I do that because even though I ain't never even touched you, you're still my wife and I'm a man who takes care of mine. I ain't never kissed your lips, tasted your pussy or been inside you and trust me when I say plenty niggas around here gettin' that on visiting day. I ain't never came at you like that have I? And it ain't like I don't want it from you because I damn sure do.” Terrence said stepping into my personal space leaving me nowhere to go. Nowhere to escape. Terrence literally had my back against the wall.

I felt my breath quicken with just the simple touch of his hands. I took a deep breath hoping to quell the surge of heat I could feel building at being so close to him but as I looked into his eyes I didn't see that happening anytime soon. Terrence pulled me close to him and bent down gently placing his lips on mine,his tongue parted my lips and slipped inside. I slowly melted into him,wrapping my hands around his waist, my arms seemed to have a mind of their own as they they traveled up his muscular back. Terrence's lips scattered kisses all over my jawline and then blazed a path down my neck ,my entire body was coming to life under the deliberate touch of his hands and mouth.

* * * *

I
willed himself to break the kiss. I damn sure didn't want to but I didn't want to rush Dana no matter how much I wanted her right now. It was hard as hell too. Can you imagine not being touched by a woman in almost two years? For some reason this shit felt even worse to me because for some crazy fuckin' reason I wanted to be touched in the worst way by this woman. Dana. My wife. I don't know how this shit happened so quick,but my “ marriage” wasn't turning out to be quite how I thought it would be.

Crazy as the whole idea was, I thought I would just get a down female on my side. I wanted someone to handle certain things for me I needed done while I was still in and I didn't want it to be my sister. I for damn sure wasn't letting my mama handle my business. My mama hadn't handled her own since I was 15. When this shit came up with Dana's tuition, I figured why not? She'd owe me,feel obligated and we'd take the shit from there. The fucked up thing was, I hadn't even asked her to do the shit I thought I wanted her for! All that mattered to me was that she was stress free and finishing up her school. I wanted that for her because for the last six months, a huge part of our conversations centered around her career. I can't even lie, I admired that shit. Dana had a passion for something and she was determined to follow her dreams. Not many people could say that. Most of us just got stuck in situations and had to deal with the hand we were dealt. Like me.

Now here I am done fucked up for real and caught feelings for her ass. Dana got me over here standing in the muthafuckin' phone lines to talk to her ass sometimes twice a  day. Making late night phone calls occasionally on my secret cell which I really didn't too much like using unless I had too. Making sure my man hooked me up extra tight in the barber shop every Saturday before she comes to visit- Shit a nigga gotta do all he can to shine in this orange jumpsuit. I'm writing letters every week.

I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore. I don't do shit like this for women. Any woman.

Basically I'm doing all the shit with Dana, I
didn't
want to do with my ex Camyrn and I knew damn well she would have rode out this little bit of time with me. I wasn't into Camyrn like that though. So I didn't want to put in that little bit of effort for Camyrn even though a nigga ain't got nothing but time up in this muthafucka. Now look at my ass? Done caught feeling for a broad I barely know.

“ That was worth waiting for. I'm glad it was private and between us. I ain't gon' even lie Dana. I was feeling some type a way when you hit me with the bullshit kiss on the cheek on our wedding day,but now I understand it. That wasn't our real wedding day anyway.”I said with a smile on my face. Dana and I had agreed that once I was released, if we made it another solid year married,we'd do our shit up the right way. Something in me was determined to see her walking down the aisle towards me in a white wedding gown designed by her. It was gonna happen. I was positive.

“ Me too. It seems like I've been waiting for this forever and when I blink my eyes this visit will be over. You're going to make me want something that I can't have. I'm scared Terrence.” Dana said her voice shaking. Dana by no means wanted to put a damper on the time they did have together but she couldn't help but note that every minute that passed between them counted.

How much of her heart and soul could she squeeze into three days and two nights so that Terrence would understand just how deeply she'd fallen in love with him?

“ I know baby. Let's just make the most of the time we do have okay. Dana I promise you on my life. You'll never be in this position again. Ever. Honestly, I'd considered not having you come for one of these visits at all but I can't lie after all our talks and conversations...your letters. I couldn't wait to be around you. Even if it was just for a weekend.”

“ If you want to stay married to me Terrence you damn well better mean it. This right here...,” Dana said waving her hand and looking around the tiny trailer, “...I'm not made for it. This will be the one and only time I ever visit a man I love behind bars.” Dana couldn't stop the tears that began to smart in the corner of her eyes. She looked away hoping Terrence didn't see.

He had.

“ You love me?” I asked turning her head back towards me.

“ No. I..., I don't know what the hell this is I'm feeling but you know what I mean Terrence. If you plan on living your life doing things that land you behind bars,don't involve me in that bullshit. That's all I'm saying. I don't have that much experience with men anyways and this just makes me feel like I jumped in way over my head. I don't know what I'm doing.” Dana said looking up at me her green eyes wide with fear.

Damn. I can see it in her eyes, she's really scared to love me. I ain't gon' lie, the look in her eyes put a little fear in my heart just then. It made me realize just how innocent she was about a lot of things. I was used to chicks around the neighborhood who were pretty much up on game. Out to see what they could get from a nigga off jump. Be it shopping trips,bills paid a Happy Meal shit,anything.

All Dana wanted to do was work her way to the top. And here I was, a detour in her plans but she was trusting me not to fuck her over. I know good and well that wasn't no slip of the tongue about loving me. I can hear it in her voice every time we speak, Dana is deeply in love with me. She just may not realize it yet.

“ I understand. But let me say this Dana, ain't nothing about me and what we have going supposed to add no confusion to your life. That's not what this is about Dana...,”

“ Well what is it about? Because I still don't know...”

“ I want balance Dana. I want some peace. That's what I want you to bring to me. I want a best-friend. I want you to tell me when I'm doing wrong because let me tell you baby girl, two years ago out in them streets? I wasn't nothing nice. But I want better. I got my mom and Tamera out there yeah,but why you think I did all the shit I did out in them streets? For them Dana, since I was 15 years old. So baby believe me when I say, when I walk out them doors in a few short months,they ain't gonna have my back. They ain't gonna be the two women telling me to do right. You know why? Because if I do right, they lose out. They ain't gonna benefit from it.” I said staring deep into her eyes,.