Love & Loss (43 page)

‘Well I don’t want to sleep without you and I can’t get in bed with both of you in there, it’s weird.’

‘Think of it as a threesome, without the sex.’

‘Would you be happy sharing a bed with Doug and I?’

‘That’s different.’

‘Why? He’s my best friend, maybe he needs a sleep over too.’

‘Gabe, have you
ever
shared a bed with Doug?’ I laughed.

‘No, of course not, he’s a bloody guy.’

‘So that would be weird, I sleep with Lexi all the time and it’s not like you’ll notice, it’s a massive bed and I’ll be in the middle.’

‘You know I’ll be a bloody laughing stock if it gets out that I slept with two women without actually sleeping with them?’ he sighed as he ran a hand through his hair.

‘No one needs to know. Please don’t make me kick her out Gabe. What can I do for you to make it worth your while?’ I batted my eyelids at him and licked my lips as I twiddled my hair.

‘Damn it Mia, you’re getting me hard again,’ he groaned.

‘So, name your price, sexually.’

‘Carte blanche?’

‘Carte blanche,’ I nodded.

‘We haven’t used all the restraints on the bed yet.’

‘Ok.’

‘And I’d like you blindfolded.’

‘Ok,’ I squirmed.

‘And gagged.’

‘O God,’ I groaned, the thought of it bump starting my libido.

‘In that white baby doll we got in New York.’

‘Ok deal.’ I nodded.

‘No way baby,’ he laughed. ‘I need more than that, you’d agree to that any night if I told you that was what I wanted.’

‘Ok.’ I bit my lip trying to think of something he’d really enjoy and I remembered something he’d said in New York. ‘I’ll start off on the bed, with my hair fanned out around me, my lips all glossed up with Vaseline and I’ll masturbate for you while you film me, sound and everything and I’ll even dirty talk for you,
filthy
dirty.’

‘Deal,’ he uttered instantly as I saw the flames surge in his eyes. ‘But I still need sex tonight before this weird sleeping arrangement.

‘Ok we’ll sneak off somewhere for a while, but it will have to be a quickie so she doesn’t feel like we’ve abandoned her.’

‘Trust me, I’m so horny right now it’ll be quick, in fact fuck this drinking with the boys, I’m getting a taxi now. Go and take your knickers off now and put that black wool mini skirt on so I don’t have to waste time getting inside you,’ he ordered.

‘You’re so hot when you’re in control.’

‘And you’re so hot when you submit.’

‘Shut up and get back here, I want that beautiful cock in me right now.’

‘O God baby, you know all the right things to say to a guy,’ he groaned. ‘See you in a while.’

I blew him a kiss and hung up smiling.

I woke up in bed alone and sighed. Gabe had stormed out of the apartment last night, slamming the door on his way out and I had no idea where he was. His irritability had escalated again, first it was me doing my pole dance on Saturday night, then yesterday he started getting really stressed about me returning to Uni, going over and over his list of requirements for me to stay safe, as well as seeming to be stressed about going back himself. The only thing he wasn’t stressed about, which ironically was the one thing
I
was stressed about, was his swimming. I’d invited Doug around for dinner so we could try and talk some sense into him about not returning to swimming practice, when he refused to listen I made Doug ring Davies, the swim coach, to get him to refuse to allow Gabe to take part, which had been the catalyst for a shouting match and him leaving.

Doug had chased after him, but had seen him speeding off in his car and he’d ignored all of our calls. Doug had driven me over to Gabe’s house, but he wasn’t there either, so he brought me home and sat up with me until 3 a.m. in case Gabe came back drunk and rowdy. I rubbed my eyes, I’d hardly had any sleep and needed caffeine desperately, so I had a quick shower, dressed and headed into the kitchen.

‘Morning Doug, sleep ok?’

‘Mia, this sofa is comfier than my bed. No news?’

‘No, take it none at your end either?’

‘No, none of the swim team have seen him either.’

‘Should we call the police?’ I wrung my hands as I bit my lip. I was so worried that he’d had an accident and was lying hurt somewhere, again.

‘They won’t do anything Mia, not for at least twenty four hours.’

‘God damn it Doug, I thought he was getting better. This isn’t the behaviour of someone who’s getting better.’

‘He’s been on holiday Mia, with you, twenty four seven. He’s had no stress, suddenly all this is happening at once and he’s not seen Dr Jarvis since before Christmas.’

‘But to not even let me know he’s ok? You know how he’d react if it was the other way around. Where the hell would he go?’

‘Well I know where he’d have gone in the past.’

‘Where?’ I wrapped my arms around myself as I looked at him and he pulled a face and looked down at the floor and it hit me like a punch to my gut. ‘O my God, you think he’s gone to
her
, to Chelsea?’

‘I hope not Mia, he was pretty adamant after the way she was with you that he wasn’t even going to stay friends with her.’

‘I feel sick. What if he got drunk? What if did run back to her? I don’t know if I can deal with him having slept with her.’ I choked back the tears and covered my face with my hands. The thought of him with anyone else filled me with horror, but
her.

‘Shit Mia, I’m sure he hasn’t. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,’ he exclaimed. I looked up as I heard him walking towards me and he pulled me into a hug.

‘Doug I’m so worried about him,’ I mumbled into his chest.

‘Do you think we should ring Robert?’

‘What can he do? He can’t keep flying back from New York every time Gabe has a melt-down.’ I looked up at him and we both whipped our heads around as we heard a noise. Gabe stood framed by the door, a look of fury on his unshaven face.

‘What the fuck’s going on?’ he growled.

‘Gabe, where the hell have you been?’ I uttered as Doug let go of me.

‘Don’t start on
me
. What are you two doing? You messing around behind my back?’ he snapped. I gasped and looked at him shocked. His fists were clenched and the muscles in his neck were corded. ‘I’ve seen the two of you lately, always touching, kissing each other and texting.’

‘Don’t even go there Gabe,’ snapped Doug. ‘She’s just being caring and sweet with me over this breakup with Lexi. We drove around looking for you last night and I stayed up with Mia until after 3 a.m. waiting to hear from you, she was so upset I didn’t want to leave her alone. I slept on the bloody sofa, so you don’t get to come in here making ridiculous accusations. You should be apologising to her.’

‘
Apologising?
I trusted
both
of you and you ganged up on me last night. The thought of getting back to swimming has kept me going and you both just snatched that away from me,’ he glared.

‘No one snatched anything Gabe, you’ve not be cleared to train that hard or compete, we’re just trying to look out for you, why can’t you
see
that?’ I asked.

‘What do you know? You know fuck all about swimming or what it takes, or what it means to me,’ he shot back with a scowl and I stood in stunned silence.

‘Gabe, that’s unfair, apologise to Mia right now.’

‘Or what? You going to punch me again?’

‘If it gets you out of this shitty bloody mood yes.’

‘Like to see you try when you don’t have the element of surprise on your side.’

‘I’ll bloody do it anyway if you don’t apologise to her.’

‘When did you become
my
girlfriend’s knight in shining armour? Just because you couldn’t hold onto your own, don’t fucking think you can muscle in on mine.’

‘I can’t believe you just went there, you’re so fucking out of order Gabe,’ snapped Doug.

‘Enough!’ I yelled as the two of them glowered at each other, I could feel the simmering tension in the air and was worried where this was leading. ‘Enough already. Gabe look at me. Look. At. Me.’ I ordered and he slowly turned his head, his eyes filled with anger. ‘Listen to me carefully, Doug’s your best friend, nothing is going on with us. You’re acting irrationally, just like you did the night you really scared me and we broke up. Do you want that to happen again?’ I asked softly. His brow creased and he just stared back at me, angry and confused. I went to step towards him, but Doug put his hand on my arm and I saw Gabe’s eyes automatically drop to where Doug was touching me and his nostrils flared. ‘Doug it’s ok, step back, you’ll make him worse, trust me, please,’ I advised while maintaining my focus on Gabe. I heard Doug sigh and he let go of me and stepped back.

‘If he makes one wrong Mia I’m stepping in,’ he warned. I nodded as I kept my eyes on Gabe.

‘Gabe, baby, you need to calm down for me. Nothing’s happening between Doug and I because I love you ok?’ I stepped towards him. ‘I love you and I’m going to come and take your hand and take you to bed, you’re tired and you need to sleep. Will you let me do that?’

‘I feel so angry. I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘I know you’re angry, but you’re not going to hurt me, you’d never hurt me Gabe. I trust you because I love you.’

‘You haven’t cheated on me?’

‘No, I promise you. Your best friend has been here trying to help me find you. We both love you and want to help you.’ I gently stepped to him and reached up and palmed his cheek. He groaned and closed his eyes.

‘What’s wrong with me Mia? I thought I was better, I felt so much better.’

‘You’re over tired, stressed and upset and it’s all hitting you again. Come on, you need to sleep and then we can talk about it ok?’

‘I’m so sorry … I just saw you and Doug hugging and … you get on so well … I snapped,’ he sighed as he rubbed his hands over his face.

‘Well Doug’s your best friend and he would never do anything like that to you, he loves you like a brother.’

‘Mia?’ he opened his eyes and I could see the pain and confusion swimming in the deep blue pools.

‘It’s ok Gabe, I’m here ok? I’m not going anywhere.’ I tiptoed up and kissed his rough stubbled cheek and heard him gasp. Suddenly his arms were around me as he hugged me tightly and buried his face in the crook of my neck and I felt his tears. I closed my eyes and grimaced. I really hadn’t seen this coming, not him taking such a massive backwards step and my heart hurt for him, it also hurt for me at the thought that he might have had his arms around Chelsea hours earlier. I wanted to scream at him, to slap him for putting me through a night of worry, to demand to know where he’d been, or if he’d cheated on me, but that was far from what he needed right now. I heard Doug closing a door and could vaguely hear him talking on the phone as Gabe just clung to me.

‘I’m sorry for … everything,’ he whispered.

‘I know, we can talk later, please just come with me to lie down.’ I reached behind me, unhooked his hands and took one gently tugging on it and he slowly straightened up and followed me to the bedroom. I stood him at the side of the bed and undid his shirt, shrugging it off his shoulders as he just looked down at me with a strange expression on his face. ‘What are you thinking?’ I asked as I undid the buttons on his jeans.

‘Why you’re still here, with me.’

‘Because I love you. You think I’m going to run because we’re experiencing another little bump in the road? I thought you knew me better than that.’ I wriggled his jeans down, he was definitely upset, he didn’t even have an erection. ‘Step out of them please.’

‘Why do you love me?’

‘Many reasons Gabe, you’re kind, generous, funny, caring, protective and you love me back.’ I reached down and pulled the duvet back and indicated for him to get in. ‘Did you take your meds last night?’

‘No,’ he replied with a frown.

‘Then get into bed and I’ll go and get them for you,’ I smiled. He sat down on the edge of the bed and his shoulders slumped. He looked totally broken. I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair. ‘Where did you go last night? I was so worried.’

‘A hotel.’

‘On your own?’ I asked as my mouth went dry.

‘Yes, I wanted to be alone and thought you might go to the house looking for me, so I just went to the first one I saw. I hardly slept though, I was so angry.’

‘I know you were,’ I nodded as I let out the breath I’d been holding. He’d never lied to me before, I had to trust he wasn’t now. ‘Lie down, I’ll be back in a minute.’

‘Don’t go,’ he pleaded as he grabbed my hand.

‘I’m just going to get your meds and some water, I’ll be back in a minute ok?’ I headed out and shut the door and let out a deep sigh. So much for starting the new term as I meant to go on with not missing any lectures. I found Doug sitting at the island and he shook his head as he looked at me.

‘I called Dr Jarvis for an emergency appointment, he’s coming over some time after eleven.’

‘Thanks Doug, I’m so sorry about earlier.’

‘You have nothing to apologise for, you’re amazing with him. I was scared shitless he was going to hurt you.’

‘He wouldn’t Doug, but I worry he’ll take out his aggression on you, knowing you can take it.’ I poured a glass of water and passed another over to Doug.

‘I rang Chelsea to ask if she’d seen Gabe as I was looking for him and she said she hadn’t seen him since Boxing night, so you don’t need to worry.’

‘Thanks,’ I smiled, pleased to know my trust wasn’t misplaced. ‘What time are your lectures?’

‘Nine, like yours, but I’m not leaving you alone with him just in case. I’ll play Xbox or something so you just shout if you need me ok?’

‘Thanks. He didn’t take his meds last night before he stormed out, so that with the extra stress is probably what set him off. I better go and give them to him. I hate to ask, but would you mind telling Lexi what’s going on, so she knows why I’m not ready to go in with her?’ They still hadn’t spoken since they’d broken up last week.

‘Well it’s a better excuse than I’ve come up with to face her again.’

‘You’ve been trying to think of reasons to speak to her?’

‘I miss her Mia, even if we can’t be together like that, I’d like to be friends, I just didn’t know how to approach her.’

‘Well she’s the same Doug, she’s been trying to think of excuses to see you without getting your hopes up, so get over there now,’ I ordered.
Honestly, when did I become the mature one of the group?
I wondered.

‘Fine, I’m not far, scream if you need me.’

I went and got Gabe’s pills and found him curled up in a foetal position, clutching my pillow which he’d buried his face in. I pulled off my jeans, peeled back the duvet and got in and ran my fingers down his cheek.

‘Ok, come on take your tablets and we can have a sleep.’

He propped himself up and glugged them back before looking up at me. ‘You’re sleeping with me?’

‘Yes, I hardly slept last night worrying about you, I’m tired too.’

‘You have History.’

‘You need me.’

‘I don’t deserve you.’

‘Stop talking rubbish, I’m your forever remember?’ I wriggled down into bed and held my arm out. ‘Come and cuddle up with me,’ I ordered. He shuffled over and lay his head on my chest and I curled an arm around his back and massaged his scalp and started telling him about all the moves I’d learned in my first self-defence class last week, talking until he fell asleep in my arms. I was tired but there was no way I could sleep, my head was racing, so I just lay holding him trying to think what I could do to help him deal with all of this. I looked at the clock when I heard a gentle knock at the door. Where had the time gone? It was already half eleven. The door opened and Doug stuck his head in.

‘Mia, Dr Jarvis is here,’ he whispered.

‘Ok, give me five minutes,’ I smiled. He nodded and shut the door. ‘Gabe … Gabe, wake up for me.’ He groaned and nuzzled my chest as I stroked his hair. ‘Come on baby, I need you to wake up.’