Love Me Again (34 page)

Oh, yes, he and Tina were worth every moment of this unending sorrow. As Varek had told her, this was one of those times that she would just have to suffer through, for one day...

They arrived in Brussels by mid-April, shocked at the sight of the beautiful little city in such turmoil. It seemed to take forever to wend their way through the congested streets, the noise so deafening that their heads were pounding with pain by the time they arrived at the rented house that had been secured for Metternich. News seemed to travel fast, for Christina and Laure had just crossed the threshold when Robert burst into the room and grabbed Christina up in a strangling hold.

Stunned at his abrupt entrance, Christina stiffened for such an infinitesimal moment before wrapping her arms around his neck that he didn't seem to notice.

“God, how I have missed you!” Robert murmured into her neck.

Over Robert's shoulder, Christina was surprised to see Sergei lounging against the mantel as he watched her with a smile. Closing her eyes to shut out his sympathetic gaze, she gave her husband her full attention. She
was
glad to see him, she assured herself. She was.

She returned his embrace with an earnestness that she finally did believe in.

The next hour was spent over tea as he brought them up to date on what was happening in a city preparing for war. Ever yday more regiments marched into Brussels, rations were cut back on an hourly basis as the city struggled to feed a population that was growing several times its size in mere weeks. Living space was nonexistent and men were sleeping with their horses just to have a roof over their head. Robert told them that Napoleon was already marching toward Flanders, gathering men into his Grande Armée as he went, and it could be just a matter of weeks before battle was engaged. Wellington had chosen the site where the battle would be engaged, a town twenty-one miles outside of Brussels, Quatre Bras.

Christina watched Robert's excitement, thinking how very much like Eddie he looked, as if he were getting ready to deploy his wooden soldiers in a mock battle on a counterpane spread out of the floor.

Looking away from his animated face, she wondered what Varek was doing. Glancing at Sergei, she tried to read his expression, find a hint that he had communicated with Varek and that everything was fine. Sergei had come days ahead of them, in the hopes of connecting up with Varek through the Austrian generals, but by his restless manner as he wandered about the room, she had to assume he'd had no luck so far.

“What do you think, my dear?”

Christina jerked her head around and stared into Robert's expectant face. She blinked slowly, afraid to open her mouth. She had no idea as how to respond.

“I think Christina was planning on staying here with Laure for a few days. At least till she has settled in a little more.” Sergei inserted smoothly, covering as usual for Christina's wandering thoughts, which seemed to happen frequently since Varek's departure.

When Robert's face fell, and he started to frown, Christina hastily added, “It will only be a few days, Robert, no more. It's just that Laure tires so quickly now.” She flushed with the guilt of using Laure's advanced pregnancy as an excuse to avoid him. Seeing Robert's hurt and confusion distressed her even more. But she didn't understand; she had just assumed they would be staying in the Metternich's large residence; after all, living space was at a premium. But far above all trivial reasons, she needed to stay close to Laure and her calming influence. Worried, she glanced over at Sergei.

Raising a brow, he merely shrugged.

“You are more than welcome to stay here, my lord,” Laure assured him as she refilled his cup.

Looking a little put out, Robert hedged, “Yes, your highness, I appreciate that, but I was hoping to have my wife to myself for a while. It has been so long since...” Christina's mind shut down and she missed the rest of what he was saying. She was suddenly sweating and shivering at the same time. Of course she had to expect this, and yet...

As the room tilted around her she shot to her feet and then swayed, her hand held over her eyes. Instantly, Robert and Sergei were on either side of her, both talking at the same time, but their voices sounded hazy and far away.

“I ... I don't feel...” She felt herself being lifted, and in the distance she heard Laure snapping orders, then everything went black.

Breathing deeply, Christina smelled rosewater, and felt a cold dampness heavy on her eyes. Raising her hand, she tried to push off the strange weight, but it was removed before she could touch it. Her lids opened slowly, then blinked as she looked up into Laure's concerned face.

“I don't believe I have ever seen you faint before. Are you all right? Shall I send for the doctor?”

“Of course not. Don't be a goose,” Christina tried to joke as she looked about her. They were thankfully alone. “Robert?”

“Pacing down below. I thought it better than to have him fretting over you.”

“Is he going to be staying here?”

Laure paused, her brows raised in surprise at the strange question. Watching Christina's pale face, she said slowly, “Why, I don't think so. He mentioned that until the two of you could be alone together he might as well remain in his room at headquarters.”

Christina swallowed a sigh of relief. How could she explain to her friend her sudden antipathy at the thought of sharing Robert's bed? To the princess, marital duty was everything. Not that Laure was a prude. One couldn't live amid the loose morals of European society and not accept the inevitability of affairs of the heart, and other parts down under. Laure, of course, knew about her and Varek's last night together and had silently supported her decision. But this sudden aversion to her husband's bed Laure would not be able to understand.

“You can't hide from him forever, you know.”

Rubbing her eyes, Christina shook her head. “Oh, Laure, I know. I don't know what came over me. It was just that the thought of him touching me after...”

“If that's the way it is going to be, then divorce him.”

Christina adamantly shook her head. “No.”

“Its not fair to him, Christina.” For the first time Laure was looking at her with condemnation in her eyes.

Looking away, Christina thought furiously. “I will get over this, Laure, I promise you. I will be a wife to Robert again. I owe it to him. And once we are back in England, it will be the same as it always was.”
Keep telling yourself that, my girl. Maybe one day you will begin to believe it.

“He needs you now, not when you get back to England.”

Christina couldn't blame Laure for her defense of Robert. Truth to tell, she needed Laure to shake some sense into her. Taking a deep breath, she nodded. “You're right, Laure, as usual.” Her lashes fluttered with uncertainty before she looked her friend in the eye and asked firmly, “Could you please ask Robert to come in?”

Standing, Laure smiled down on her friend. “Remember, Christina, you have a brave heart.”

Christina watched as the door closed behind the princess. Unfortunately, her heart, brave or otherwise, belonged to Varek.

And here she had selfishly thought that a night of bliss spent in Varek's arms couldn't harm anyone.

Oh, what a bloody fool she was! Her lies and procrastinations were turning into a vicious cycle from which she was beginning to fear she would never break free.

By the time Robert entered the room, Christina had carefully climbed from the bed and stood facing the door, as if about to face her executioner. As he came toward her, Robert tried to mask the anger he was feeling, but it was all too obvious to her, and she took a deep breath, expecting this encounter to be anything but pleasant.

“We are going to discuss this only once and then never bring it up again, do you understand?” he demanded, his voice flat. His eyes as he watched her were simmering with accusation.

Christina nodded, her face even paler than before, if that was possible.

“Did you sleep with him?” She stifled a hysterical giggle, and her eyes widened in horror at what she had almost done. But she couldn't help it. She understood what Robert was asking, but in reality she had not slept with Varek; they had been too involved in other pursuits.
Fool, don't dig yourself in any deeper than you already are!

But if she admitted to her perfidy, would she ever see her son again? Could her husband be so cruel? Staring into Robert's flushed, angry countenance, she thought it highly probable, especially when she considered his jealousy throughout the past months.

Her only chance was to lie. She had to lie. Yet, when she opened mouth to speak, a whispered “yes” feathered over her numb lips. She couldn't believe what she had just said, and devastated, she could do nothing but stare at Robert.

At her admission, he looked away and remained utterly still as he faced the far wall.

Christina swallowed.

“Will you again?” he asked quietly, his gaze darting sideways to watch her every expression.

“No.”

“Is he out of your life now?”

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. When she opened them again, he was standing directly in front of her, studying her intently. “Is he?”

She had come this far, it was best she finish it, she speculated with a calmness that surprised her. “I will always love Varek, but it doesn't matter for we shall never see each other again. We have both resigned ourselves to that fact.”

“It doesn't matter?” he bit out, incredulous. “You can stand there, shunning my touch, and tell me it doesn't matter!”

Anger flickered to life in her bruised heart. She was standing on the precipice of losing the one thing she held dearest and yet she wouldn't let him crush her beneath his hypocritical heel. “I am still a good commodity, Robert. Still a possession of value, I believe. If I can forgive you your numerous dalliances, than you can surely forgive me this one transgression!”

His eyes fluttered as guilt flushed his cheeks. When he spoke, he was clearly embarrassed. “I didn't know you knew.”

She stared him down. “Of course I knew.”

She was surprised when he shot her a sullen glare before turning away and wandering over to the fireplace. “And obviously you didn't care enough to mention it to me.”

In truth, she hadn't.

Sighing, she followed him and settled down in one of the armchairs facing the empty fireplace. After another hurt glance cast her way, he sprawled in the matching chair.

“I realized that I was not giving you what you needed and so you were seeking it elsewhere. For that I am truly sorry, Robert. You have to believe me when I say that I have only wanted you to be happy, and if turning a blind eye to your affairs was required, then so be it.”
Lord,
she thought in disgust at herself,
now who is being hypocritical?

He was silent for a long while as he stared into the cold hearth. His manner was sad when he finally wondered, “So where do we go from here?”

When she didn't answer, he looked up. “Do you want a divorce?”

“Can I have Eddie?” The question popped out before she could even think of calling it back, and she was appalled at herself.

His mouth tensed, but he shook his head and said gently enough, “You know that is impossible. One day he will be the Duke of Kerkston.”

Biting her lip, she nodded. He did not mention the fact that Eddie was also his son. Is that how he saw his own child? A commodity?

“I can't change what has come between us, Christina, but I do love you. I think I can make you happy again if you will give me a chance. I know that you will never love me as you do him, and I have come to accept that. Yet you do care for me; I am not mistaken in that. We have been close; indeed, you are the best friend I have ever had. If I promise not to expect so much from you and even not importune you to perform", he cleared his throat and colored slightly, “your conjugal duties, then perhaps one day we can be as happy as we once were.”

Tears glittered in her eyes as she whispered hoarsely, “Oh, Robert, you humble me.”

Leaning forward, he took her hand in his. “I do love you, Christina, and I want you by my side. The rest will work itself out, you will see.”

Christina wasn't quite sure if she was happy or devastated by his forgiveness. However, her fingers tightened about his. “And by your side I shall stay.”

His smile was relieved as he told her, “Then I am content.”

And in the back of Christina's mind echoed those same words in Varek's melodious voice. Could she find contentment again? she wondered sadly. Was she to live the rest of her life waiting?

Wait for me, lark.

Smiling softly, she answered in her heart,
Forever.

“One good thing I must say about having come to the Congress is that you are now able to maneuver about the floor with the grace of a dandy, my dear,” Christina teased her husband as they gracefully twirled about the floor at the Duchess of Richmond's ball. The glittering assemblage was held on the ground floor of the Richmonds’ rented house, and the duchess had outdone herself, as usual. Everywhere one looked pillars were festooned with brightly colored ribbons, leaves and flowers, and the doors and windows were so richly draped that they appeared as if they were dripping with the royal colors of crimson, gold and black. When Christina threw back her head and looked upward, magnificent crystal chandeliers winked down at her.

Robert quirked a brow and then mused with a thoughtful frown, “You know, I do believe you are right. In the three waltzes we have shared tonight not once have you limped off the floor in pain.”

She laughed out loud, happy to see Robert in such a playful mood. Despite the escalating tension during the day due to the booming cannonade and artillery in the distance, Wellington and his generals and corps commanders were putting up a good show of nonchalance this evening.

“I have heard a rumor spreading like wildfire through the crowd. Is it true?” she finally asked the question that had been worrying her since the whispers began.