Love me ... Again (4 page)

Chapter five

I gallop my horse faster, spur him like demon across the sprawling foot of a mountain called Devil’s Middle.  It’s rugged, with juts of rocks which looks up-thrust knives, daring any foolhardy climber to test its fourteen thousand feet of hell. Pine trees skirt safely down its middle and fan out towards the plain we’re cutting through.

Colt, in a black shirt and well-worn jeans looms up ahead of our moving herd, and even from this distance, he looks back as if he feels my eyes.

I smile, even if we’re too far apart to make eye contact, I stick up my hand and wave hard at him.

He sees, waves back. His teeth flash across his dark face.

I spur my horse towards him, past a thousand heads of white faced Hereford cattle.

Sunlight stings my cheek, making me turn to the east. The sun is still rising, it’s only 6 a.m. and thick shards of golden streaks barrel down past the smaller hills to the grass. It’s so freakin beautiful here, I feel as if I’ve found my place on earth.

I can’t wait until we get to the river.

I reach Colt, who comes to meet me, he leans over and grabs my horse’s reins.  We come to a standstill.

“Is something chasing you?” he teases me with a crooked grin, his tone soft, eyes considerate.

“Nothing I can’t outrun,” I reply and watch him from under my lashes. We’d slipped back to camp just before our wakeup call at 4 a.m.

His nostrils flare at the challenge, “Are you sure about that?” he grunts in a deep voice.

“Absolutely.”

He shouts over his shoulder at one of the hands several yards away, “Simon take the lead, Angie and I are going for a run!”

I take off before he’s done speaking, firmly lashing my mount whose hooves fly over the soft grass and firm earth. The wind whips my face, turning I see him over my shoulder, gaining speed. Turning back I laugh with delight and use my legs to urge my horse faster.

The mare takes off from under me and I have to lean low to stay atop her. Fear flashes through me that I’m going too fast but I’ll be damned if I’ll let fear hold me down. What Colt thinks of me has already become important. I want him to see that I belong … here. I grin. Plus I’ll be damned if I slow down to let him catch me.

The river widens up-head and the mare instinctively speeds towards it. Behind me I hear Colt gaining fast, his stallion’s huff of indignation at being beaten by a mare probably matching his own.

Tasting victory I urge the mare to even greater speed.

Colt’s hoarse cry breaks through to me the moment I splash into the river. I’ve just a split second to tense because the water rushes up to me and we’re falling.

I scramble back onto the horses but it’s no use, I’m sinking, the horse’s face is all that remains above water.

“Oh God!” I grip the reins and yank backwards with all my strength but the mare is frightened, she leaps and I scream as she nearly dislodges me under the cold flow.  Gasping I clutch handfuls of her main as she surges again beneath me, trying desperately to free her legs from the soft silt mush of quick sand that is dragging us both down. She flings her head back and mindless with fear leaps out further into the depths of the dark fast moving water.

I know what I need to do despite the fearful plunging of the dark, cold water rushing up above my waist. I need to give her a shot at life.

I let go of the reins, throw myself sideways off her back and too late I spot the thick, murky specter of a tree trunk that had been sent downriver by the winter runoff. My eyes widen as I watch it rush up to me, unable to stop the momentum of my body as I zoom face forward in a collision with it.

The touch of the freezing cold water hits my face first, immobilizing my senses, stopping the blood in my veins, I fling my hands up, turn my face aside in a bid to stop a blow that will render me senseless.

The force of it slams my head backwards, so sharp I hear the crack of my bones against the wood and the jar of my teeth as my gums scream in pain but only for a moment as ice cold water dives down my throat. My hands clutch into helpless fists as my body shudders from the impact. Robbed of motor control my head falls forward again, and even beneath the paralyzing effect of the cold water I feel the rough bark of the trunk scraping across the skin of my cheek from ear to mouth. Salty blood gushes down my throat, squeezing out the last bit of air left. Pain rattles its way from the back of my neck down my spine in wide sweeps that clutch my whole body into a vice.

I’m freezing and drowning and going down, my legs thrash helplessly fighting for the ground but somehow I’ve been dashed further out into the river.

Still, I can’t stop my body’s claw towards survival. Half-conscious I kick with all the strength I’ve got left, whip my hands about in the water hoping for another trunk to help drag me to safety.

Nothing. My hands waves through the water without effect, grasses and leaves tease and flirt with my fingertips but are helpless to give me the aid I need. I open my eyes and further doom rushes in as the river’s bottom is dark and tangled with dead leaves that block out the sunlight. Instinctively, stupidly, I open my mouth to scream for help.

Colt …

I feel him. Though I’m nearly unconscious. Cold, hard unrelenting hands grip my shirt, the fabric rips but my flesh doesn’t as his hands fasten into an iron vice around my waist and I stop sinking.

Something hits my face. Again and again. … I drift as my body is forcibly pumped and my mouth wrenched open. None of it hurts because it’s as if I can’t feel or think. As if I’m not truly there.

I hear another voice rough and loud.

Jett?

“Why the fuck did you let her do it!” Jett’s shout of pure rage knifes through my sodden brain, I wince and try to turn from it but that makes it even worse as the movement sends agony across my shoulders and down my spine.

I open my mouth and a moan leaks out.

There is a rustle, a gentle hand grazes my face. “Ang? It’s Jett.”

I try my eyes and they slowly open. Blue eyes brighten as my vision clears out.

Jett is kneeling beside me, his eyes are hard with anger and worry, “that was pretty stupid,” he says glacially, a frown draws his dark brows together.

Yeah, tell me about it
. But it’s not what I need right now, I hiss, “kiss my ass.”

Jett’s lips pinch into a thin smile. His eyes soften just a fraction, “this isn’t entirely your fault,” he bites out as he throws a scathing look at Colt.

I try to struggle upwards and Jett gently cups the back of my head to help me. Colt is sitting cross-legged at my feet, his eyes are carefully blank as our gazes meet but beneath it I see the turmoil … and guilt rolling inside him.

I look away as quickly as my sluggish responses will allow back to Jett. “It wasn’t Colt’s fault!”

“Yes it was,” snarls Jett, “if he had done his fucking job you wouldn’t have nearly died!”

“What do you mean?” I gasp.

Jett glares back at Colt, “I asked him to look after you when we spoke last night. Big fucking mistake,” he yells.

I try to sit up but Jett firmly holds me in place, I am swaddled in some of my sodden clothes and a rough sheepskin blanket, “Don’t,” I cry out against his hold.

“Stop!” Colt’s bark shakes the corners of the tent, he grasps Jett’s hand and removes it forcibly from my chest. Both men glare daggers at each other.

Jett wrenches his hand from Colt’s grip, says through gritted teeth, “I think you should leave.”

“No!” I burst out.

Both men look at me.

I shake my head wildly, ignore the nausea which rolls up into my stomach. I can’t meet Jett’s stunned eyes, I plow ahead, “Colt saved me. He stays.”

Jett grumbles darkly, places a light kiss on my forehead, compassion wipes out some of the fury in his eyes. He looks much more like the easy, fun loving Jett I’m used to, he tries to smile for me, “I’ll wait outside until he leaves then we can talk,” he says stiffly.

Colt doesn’t move as Jett leaves.

I look beseeching up at him, the veil has fallen from his eyes revealing a wealth of pain and regret. I want to share it with him, let him know I don’t blame him.  I reach out shaking hands, “I need to hold you,” is all I can say for feelings that cannot be truly explained.

He shudders as if he too is holding something in and would like some excuse to let it out. He gathers me carefully into his arms, buries his face in my damp hair.

He sucks in ragged breaths as he fights to hold it all together, “Angie …” his voice breaks and he struggles to not fall apart, “I’m so sorry.”

Safe in his arms … the pain is there but the feel of him around me takes the edge of it.

His words make no sense, “No,” I say again and this time there is growing strength in my voice, “I was the idiot, just like you’ve said before. I went in without thinking.”

He turns his face slowly to mine, our noses brush. Delicious warmth spreads across my cold cheeks … and I do it.

Chapter six

The kiss is soft, just a slide of my lips against his closed mouth. His eyes flare wide, large flecks of amber burn trapped in their depths, it makes me shiver because I’ve never seen them so clearly before. I tremble, his eyes are eating me alive, they rove my face, I suck the stubborn edge of his bottom lip into my mouth. Still he doesn’t move. He’s frozen. I begin to shiver violently. Aghast at what I’ve done, I close my eyes to block out the disgust which will leap into his eyes any moment.  I lean back, breaking our lips apart.

Shame snakes like bile through my mouth, making it bitter, bringing back the cold from the river. Maybe I’d been mistaken? I’d gotten my signals messed up and he is now wondering what kind of slut his brother is involved with.

With shaking hands, I draw back, keeping my eyes cowardly closed.

He doesn’t let me.

“Open your eyes Angie,” he commands softly.

“No, I can’t,” I reply brokenly.

His hot breath fans my face, he’s so close.

“Yeah, you can darlin,” he pauses here and I flinch from the coming hurt, but his next words nearly make me cream my pants, “I want to look into your eyes as I taste your mouth for the first time.”

My eyes snap open and I see what I’ve been dying to see, his need. It’s there in the taut skin across his lean cheekbones, the softened slant of his harsh lips.  I lunge forward but he stops me with a flick of his palm.

“We do this, it changes everything darlin.” His eyes are hard with purpose.

I nod, heedless of the hard truth behind his words. Tenderness blossoms in his eyes but I’ve barely enough time to take this in as I charge ahead and slam my mouth against his hard lips. He chuckles tenderly against me and it feels so sweet that what is within me cannot merely be called desire, it’s too weightless and vast to be satisfied to be explained with such a trite term. I need him. I know with a sense of searing loss and elation that it can be never be the same again for me. His lips are hot and I swoon against a thick rush of pleasure which pools inside my blood.

His hesitation lasts for just a heartbeat … then he begins to devour me. His tongue is sweet and hot, the taste of intense black coffee seeps off of him, tasting so good I’ll never allow him to drink anything else. He ignites me, the cold, aching spots on my body begin to take flush with vibrant need. He drills it into me, kissing me hard, bruising my lips, pulling out the taste of me through my skin. He wants to know me in this moment and his kiss is one of desperate longing and too soon he knows what I like.  The deep stab and hot twirl of his tongue around me, his hands fisted in the hair at my nape with my neck extended backwards. He wants to dominate me, claim a right he’d only have if we had been lovers for years instead of moments. He delves beneath the soft spots under my tongue, on the side of my gum, the tickly, erogenous zone at the roof of my mouth, which zings through me and I tear out a handful of hair from his scalp. He doesn’t break the kiss. He roots deep, determined to get all I have to offer. My fists curled against his chest begin to pummel at him, there is no other way, sort of scalping him that I can let out the storm of intensity that rides me without mercy.

He lets me as I suck crazily on his lips, I’m so greedy I nip it hard enough to draw blood, and though my limbs are still weakened by my ordeal I strain against his pounding heart which jerks both of us, demanding more. He palms my head in his work roughened hands and kisses me so good I have a mini orgasm that shakes me so hard I grind my bottom into the packed dirt beneath my sleeping bag, the jolt of it forces me to scream and he has to hold me ruthlessly still, his lips sealed over mine, so not a sound escapes. Moments that last forever pass before I lurch back to reality. And the slow, unpredictable swipes of his tongue still inside my mouth, jolts of afterglow arch my back again. Shuddering I thread unsteady fingers through the baby soft hair at his nape, my fingertips come away sodden-

I pull back, our mouths disconnect with a wet, juicy sound that sends another zap of pleasure up my spine, the hair on my head gets goose bumps. His chest is rising hard beneath my palms and the front of my blanket is moist. I look up and the need in his eyes squeezes the breath in my throat, it’s so desperate that I blink up at him several times to try and focus on something other than my raging hormones.

I point at his white shirt, “you’re wet,” my voice is low and breathy.

He looks down at his shirt as if he too just realized that he’s sitting beside me soaking wet, his brows scrunch in confusion, “Yeah, so?”

“You should change,” I turn away and looking for something to do to keep my hands from holding him here with me, grasp at the edge of my damp blanket and pull it up to my neck. Pretty late I know but being around him makes it so damn hard to hide. It’s like I cannot hide what I want from him. The worst part is after what just happened he should know
exactly
what I want.

He studies me for a few moment, I squirm, my cheeks burn. He gets to his feet, he doesn’t let go of my eyes all the way out of the tent. And he doesn’t say another word.

I watch him leave, moments later Jett comes back into the tent. He reaches for me and I stay still, hating myself but I just can’t touch him now. Not after what I’ve done.

He misses all of this, “mom and dad should be here in a few minutes, they set out this morning behind me,” he says and reaches for my hands, he plays with my fingers.

I try to pull them from his touch but his grip is firm and I have to relent or come up with an explanation, I chose the safer route for now. In an ironical twist I’m protecting him from me because … I still love him and having that feeling there sitting inside my chest, beside the gnawing hunger for Colt, hurts more than when I thought I’d die.

He draws me into his arms, I flinch from the familiar scent of him, the tangy scent of fresh pine leaves crushed between your fingertips. I fight to relax against him, he drops a kiss on my cool cheek, an adorable smile splits his lean, handsome face, his blue eyes sparkle, “I’ve got a surprise for you,” he says and his face is filled with light.

My mouth drops open but words don’t come.  He scoops me up and I start to struggle terrified, “put me down Jett!”

“No,” he’s cheerfully adamant as he carries me from the tent, he looks fondly down at me, “I had wanted this to be very romantic and in a way you nearly dying, fucked up as that was, is even better.”

“What?” I gasp, look around and there are all the ranch hands, Marjorie, Michael, Jett’s grandparents who are sitting in an ATV.  Big, happy smiles on their proud, weathered faces.

Jett turns back to me, “will you marry me, Angie?”

It’s almost as frightening as my near drowning. I can’t breathe, I hunt for air, turn away from the faces swarming me, their love and happiness pull me down as surely as the cold waves that came close to taking my life hours before.

But there is one face I have to see, I search and he’s there. At the back of the small crowd. Beside him stands several old ranch hands, men in their seventies who didn’t drive cattle anymore but who Jett’s parents keep around because loyalty and honor are as important to them as the air they breathe.

But I don’t care! It’s Colt I need … but as I watch him, feel our eyes find each other in the awful press of expectation and bodies, his broad shoulders slump, he’s still wearing the wet shirt from earlier as if he’d not had time to change before our world smashed apart.

The torment in his eyes makes me gasp, Jett holding me takes the gasp for shock at his proposal, my lips burn to tell him to put me down. Now!

And this nearly causes me to miss it.

Colt nods once, hard, unforgiving and turns away from me, breaking eye contact … and my heart.

I cry out as the cold, unrelenting pain of rejection slices down into me, I bury my face in Jett’s shoulders and shake with horror.

Jett cradles me protectively in his arms, “folks she’s overwhelmed,” he says gaily to them.

I feel like a deer caught in the savage glare of headlights, with not enough time to escape cause I know I’ll be hit, I just don’t know how hard or bad it will be.

Laughter and claps ring out, it rakes on my nerves, makes them bleed more.

“Put me down,” I whisper hoarsely, surprised that I can still speak, though my voice trembles with effort not to start screaming at them all to leave me the hell alone.

Jett’s brow scrunches, but love shines tenderly from his eyes, it rips me apart just a little more.  I can’t face him, instead I stare at a random grey button on his worn plaid shirt. He places me carefully on my feet that wobble with weakness. He doesn’t let me go.

He winks at me, throws back his head and shouts with laughter, turns to our audience, “that’s my gal, nothing does her in.  She’s like this land and my family,” his eyes glitter with tears of happiness, makes me feel like the lowest piece of shit. He gets to his knee, pulls out the ubiquitous black velvet box from his back pocket, opens it and holds it up to me, “it’s your favorite color,” he says, I groan and fight the urge to sob. A ½ carat yellow diamond set about with crushed smaller diamonds in a bed of 18 carat gold looks steadily at me. It’s like sunlight wrapped in stars … Like Colt’s eyes. I nearly choke on the guilt that crushes my wind pipe, Jett must’ve spent a good chunk of his savings on it.

Behind me gasps of delight ring out.

“Oh Jett,” Marjorie croons behind us with such longing in her voice I want to snatch the ring from Jett’s fingers and fling it at her, say here take it on me. But she stays put in the back and I don’t have the guts to hurt this man whose love for me shines so peacefully in his earnest blue eyes.

He slips it onto my unresisting finger, plants a feathery kiss on my fingertips, gets to his feet and hugs me close, he looks into my eyes and I know he’s got to be seeing the terror there, the absolute certainty that I don’t deserve him.

But he smiles as if he’s getting a glimpse of paradise instead, he says for my ears alone, “Please Angie, marry me?

From somewhere I understand instantly why Colt had turned away from me, no matter what he feels for me, he doesn’t have it in him to hurt his little brother and … neither can I.

“Yes,” I whisper in a scratched voice to Jett, his face bursts open with dazzling happiness, the blue of his eyes blaze like a clear summer’s sky. He whips me up into warm, strong arms. I close my eyes, let the last of my strength leave me and collapse into him.

He must never know and I will never stop hurting. I struggle to breathe as I look forward into the future I’ve created for myself. And all the while it feels as if someone is taking their fingers and driving them into my chest one by one.