Love Me Not (28 page)

Penny was always my best friend. Even after I was with Cassie, we were close. I don’t know when we lost that.

No, I know exactly when it was—when I decided to live in a way I couldn’t share with her, a way I knew she wouldn’t approve of. I didn’t realize it at the time. I never felt guilty—I wasn’t hurting anyone. I just stopped talking with her. We had nothing to talk about. I spent my days fucking women, nothing else, and I knew she couldn’t handle hearing about that. I had nothing else to share other than sex.

At least that’s what I thought.

It was you who made me think—hope—there was more for me. That one night was all I needed, just the fact that you wanted to be with me. I stupidly thought I’d be able to keep you. I never would’ve made love to you otherwise. I spent months fighting you, and that night was when I finally gave in. I suppose I should be thankful to Penny for making you go away. Surely, I would’ve hurt you worse had you stayed longer
.

Penny stared at the page.

She hadn’t seen it—what was so wrong with him for all those months. It started when she hired Kimber, and she realized everything revolved around Kimber.

She stood and walked out of Heath’s apartment, the notebook held tightly to her chest.

Chapter 52

The Black Notebook

Kimber sat down and opened the book, the same book she always read. She could recite certain passages now.

She was exhausted from work, no energy even to change, let alone put the dishes away. She always read, though. It was becoming a compulsion. She wouldn’t admit to herself why. It hurt too much, and confused her more than anything. She was angry, nothing else—that’s what she told herself.

A knock.

She looked up from her book and hesitated to go to the door. No one ever came to see her. She’d sent her family letters, with her return address on the envelopes, but they never responded, let alone came to see her.

Another knock.

She decided she should at least look through the peephole. She crossed the tiny room.

Penny was there, holding a notebook. Her eyes were red and puffy as if she’d been crying for hours.

Kimber opened the door.

“I’m sorry to, um, intrude,” Penny said, “but can I come in?”

Kimber stepped back out of the way, and Penny passed her into the room. She didn’t look around, only focused on Kimber. She held the notebook tightly to her chest.

“Um, do you want to sit?” Kimber said.

Penny nodded and then followed Kimber over to the worn olive-green couch. Kimber waited for her to talk. Penny set the notebook on her lap and looked at the black cover.

Finally, Kimber spoke. “Is…everything all right?”

Penny shook her head, and a tear ran down her cheek.

Kimber shifted closer. “Penny, what is it?”

“I’m sorry. I…I thought I was protecting him.”

Kimber paused. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” She’d only told the truth.
I was the idiot who’d believed him.

Penny took a shaking breath. “Did you care for him?”

“He lied to me.”

Penny looked up. “Did he?”

Kimber turned away.

“Did he ever lie about what he did for a living?” Penny said.

“He should’ve told me.”

“He was trying to push you away, without hurting you. He thought that was the best thing he could do.”

Kimber’s gaze snapped back to Penny. “So why in the hell did he sleep with me?”

Penny’s voice was quiet. “Because you wanted it.”

“Right, I forgot. That’s his job—acquisition of new clients. Hopefully, my last check was enough to cover it.” Kimber had refused to deposit her final check. “Or is that why you’re here—to collect the balance?”

Penny’s face crumpled, and she stared at the black notebook.

Kimber took a silent breath. She didn’t like to see Penny cry, though she had no idea why she was so upset. It scared her a little. This wasn’t like Penny.

“Did you…” Penny mumbled. “Did you care for him?”

A long pause.

Finally, Penny looked up.

Kimber knew Penny well enough to understand only one thing, only one person could upset her this much. She was terrified to ask. “What…what happened to him?”

Penny’s voice shook as if she could barely force the words out. “He slit his wrists.”

Kimber covered her mouth and closed her eyes. She squeezed them so tightly they hurt, but moisture seeped out anyway. Her hands trembled. All of her did, like that time her father hit her for talking back. She stood and turned away.

No, he can’t be…
She prayed. She wanted to drop to her knees and beg.

She turned and could barely see Penny’s fuzzy image. “Where is he?”
Please don’t let him be gone. Please, God.

Penny hesitated. “He…”

Chapter 53

White Room

I opened my eyes. Everything was white. I didn’t understand.

It was too bright. I could barely keep my eyes open. An intercom sounded from somewhere. I looked around the room. White walls. A floor-to-ceiling curtain on my right and a door to a white hallway on my left. I moved to get out of the bed. There were tubes in my arms. I yanked them out and stood.

Beeping and buzzing.

Someone hurried into the room, a woman in a lab coat. A large man followed, wearing what looked like white scrubs.

“You have to lie down,” the woman said as she reached out for my arm.

I ripped away. “What’s going on?”

“You’re safe.”

“Safe from what?”

She glanced at the man, and he stepped forward.

“What’s going on?” I demanded.

“Just lie down,” she said.

“No,” I roared.

The man grabbed the tops of my arms and began pushing me back toward the bed.

“Let me go.” I tried to pull away, but I was too weak.

“Be careful of his bandages,” the woman said.

I grabbed the man’s shirt in my fists and tried to throw him off. He stumbled back, still holding on to me.

“Jerry,” the man called, “get in here.”

Another man ran in. He grabbed me too, and they forced me onto the bed.

“No.” My voice filled the white room with black rage. I cursed incoherently and struggled.

They pushed me down onto the mattress. “Stop,” I roared. “Let me go.”

The woman moved closer, a syringe in her hand.

“No.” I pulled a hand free, but one of the men pinned it back down to the mattress. A bandage at my wrist tore. There was blood.

The woman pushed the needle into my arm.

Struggling grew harder until I couldn’t move anymore.

Everything went dark.

Chapter 54

Molly

There were drugs in my system. I could feel as they began to wear off. I didn’t know what in the hell was going on.

I opened my eyes and stared at the dark ceiling. The white room was gone—or was it just the light that was gone?

I tried to lift my hand. Metal clanged, and my hands jerked to a stop. I looked down. My hands were strapped to the metal bars along the sides of my bed. I yanked at them. My body hurt to move.

A woman ran into the room. “Calm down,” she said as she touched my shoulder. “Everything’s all right.”

“Where am I?” I demanded.

“Lie back,” she said, “and I’ll tell you. Please.” Her voice was gentle.

I lay back against the pillow.

“You’re at St. Vincent’s,” she said. “You’re going to be all right.”

“Why am I here?”

Her eyebrows pulled together as her lips curved a little. She looked down at my hand. “You’ve ripped your bandages again.”

I looked down.

“Don’t worry,” she said as she touched my hand. “I’ll fix it.”

My wrists. I could see the stitched cut from under the gauze, travelling down my left arm.

“No,” I said. “I killed myself.”

“Maybe I should get the doctor.”

I sat up as much as I could. “Please.”

She paused. “Your neighbor found you. The cuts were really deep. You almost didn’t make it.”

“I wanted to die.”

Her forehead wrinkled.

“Please,” I said. “I want to die.”

“Don’t say that.”

My voice rumbled from my chest into a growl. “Why did you do this?” I yelled. “I want to die.” My body strained as I pulled at the restraints.

She moved closer and set a hand on my shoulder. “Please, Heath.”

I stopped and looked at her.

“You have auburn hair,” I said.

“Yes.”

“Kimber has hair like that.”

She pressed gently on my shoulder, and I lay down.

“Is Kimber your wife?”

“My wife is dead.”

“Oh…um, so Kimber’s your friend?”

“No.” I looked away. The curtain was striped, blues and pinks, I think. I couldn’t see very well in the darkness.

A long pause.

“You should get some rest,” she said.

I turned back to her. “Where am I?”

“St. Vincent’s, remember?”

“Why am I here?”

“You, um, you were hurt, and the doctors are making you better.”

“But they stitched the cuts.”

“They’re making sure everything’s okay.”

“They tied me down.”

“You, um, weren’t yourself when you woke up the first time.”

“Yes, I was. I don’t like being held in place.”

“Me, either. I’m sorry about these.” She touched the strap. “I’m sure they’ll take them off soon.” She went over to a cabinet and took out some gauze and white tape. “I almost forgot. I told you I’d fix your bandages.”

I watched as she gently made the repairs. It didn’t hurt. I wasn’t sure how she did it so well with the restraints in the way.

Restraints.

My head was foggy. It was like being blind and having to feel your way around, but only being able to identify a few things within reach.

“I’m in a psych ward, aren’t I?”

She looked up from her bandaging. She had to be a nurse or something.

“Yes, Heath,” she said, “you are.”

“At St. Vincent’s.” I rested my head back. “This is where my mother died.”

“I’m sorry.”

A minute later, she put the gauze and tape away and left.

I stared at the ceiling for a while, trying to fight my way through the fog. I had to get out of here, and I had to do it soon—which meant I had to get my head straight, at least appear sane. It didn’t matter if I actually was sane.

A scream echoed from down the hall.

My head jerked up.

Then I remembered where I was. Screams were probably common. I set my head back down on the pillow.

I wondered if my mother had been the screaming type, if she’d been lucid enough to realize she was pregnant. Did she love me? I wondered if she’d picked my name. I never thought to ask Penny if she knew where my name came from.

Penny, my sister. I closed my eyes and focused on straight lines of thought. The hospital knew my name, which meant they would eventually figure out I had a sister. They would contact her. I had to get out of here before she came. But I didn’t even know how long I’d been here. They knocked me out with drugs at least once. How long had I been out?

I had to work quickly, convince the doctors I was fine. First, I had to get these damn restraints removed. Even if they didn’t release me from the hospital, if I wasn’t tied to a bed, I’d just sneak out.

Then I had to figure where to go, someplace where I could get it done right. Maybe out in the woods somewhere, deep in the woods where no one would hear me, or see me. No fucking rescues. And maybe I’d just decompose, so no one would have to deal with finding my body. Yeah, deep woods. That would be wise. There were some huge state parks up in Amelia Island. It was only maybe an hour drive.

I focused on my goals, on how to get it all done—not on why it needed done.

The more I focused on those goals, though, the clearer everything else became. That fucking sucked. After Cassie died, I’d wondered if going insane would be easier. Some days I was close to a breakdown. I swore I could feel the fog invading my mind.

Footsteps coming down the hall.

I opened my eyes and focused on acting sane. It was such a relative term. Who was to say everyone else was nuts, and I was the one seeing everything perfectly clearly? I supposed it was really a popular vote kind of thing. The majority had the power.

A woman walked into the room. Shadows fell across her face, and then she moved closer…

Kimber.

She smiled at me. Could it really be her?

No, Heath, you’re seeing shit. Kimber wouldn’t smile at you. Focus, damn you.

“How are you feeling this morning?” It was the same nurse.

“Better,” I said with my charming smile.

She checked the equipment next to my bed. “The sedatives are probably out of your system now. Do you feel more alert?”

“Yeah, uh, how long have I been out?”

“About a day and a half since they brought you in.”

A full day and a half? Shit.

“When do you think…” I looked down at my hands and lifted them the inch or so that I could.

“The doctor’s going to see you in a little while. It’ll be up to her.” She finished with whatever she was doing and moved so I could see her without straining my neck.

“I have to take a leak,” I said.

“You have a bedpan.”

“Yeah,
that’s
going to happen.”

She smiled. “I don’t think I could, either. I’ll see if the doctor will make you first on her rounds.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you need anything else?”

“I don’t suppose I’m allowed coffee.”

“I could bring you water or maybe some juice.”

“Ice water would be good.”

She smiled again—I liked her smile. It kind of crinkled into her cheeks. “Sure.”

Before she could leave, I said, “What’s your name?”

“Nurse Ratchet.”

I laughed.

“Sorry. Medical humor.”

“No, it was funny.”

“My name’s Molly.” She took my hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Heath.” She turned to leave. I realized she wasn’t shaped at all like Kimber. How had I confused her?

“Molly,” I said.

She turned back.