Love Me: The Complete Series (25 page)

He tucked the flowers into the opening of her neckline, patted it, and turned back to the hill to continue stomping through the plants with little regard for their beauty. The dainty scent filled her nostrils and she lifted them from her blouse, wishing she had water to store them safely.

It was difficult to match his steps, but she tried hard to keep her shorter footprints well within his, in order to minimize their destructive path. Even if it
was
okay, it didn’t seem appropriate. They moved down the hill toward the pond. Again, she imagined a small boy running through the fields and stopping to throw a hook in the water.

“Are there fish in the pond?”

“There used to be. We haven’t used it much in the past fifteen years or so. Dad stocked it when I was little and we pulled a few catfish out.”

There was a large yellow and white boat tied to the dock. It was anchored by a small grouping of faded plastic flowers. A shrine? A tribute? Oh, shit.
No.

When Carter’s footsteps suddenly veered away from the dock and toward the trees, her gut turned over in pain. “Carter, was that for Carley? I know you don’t want to talk about it, but it’s nice someone took the time to leave something for her.”

He shrugged and kept trudging, not appearing to care whether she followed. “I imagine that was Jennifer Seely. She used to come down a lot and sit and talk to the water as if they were down there. She started seeing a shrink after her parents caught her out here in the dark one night. Mom said she still comes out every two or three years when she visits her parents. They live a few miles down the road.”

Abby’s stomach turned. She hesitated to ask. “Jennifer was a friend of your sister’s?”

He stopped suddenly. Abby slammed into his back. His scent shot through her as her face smashed against his shirt. He turned, steadied her, and held her forearms—in a death grip. His knuckles were tense and white. “She was Carley’s best friend. She was with them when they drowned.”

Drowned? No wonder he avoided the area, but—did he say
they?
More than just his sister? Her curiosity was piqued and she bit her desire to ask. Would she have wanted to talk about it in his shoes? Crap.

“I’m sorry, Carter. So sorry. I didn’t know. I don’t really know what else to say.”

“There’s nothing
to
say—and no need to apologize. It’s not your fault. And despite what Mom wants to think, it’s not hers either. Carley did it to herself. She wasn’t supposed to be there. She lied. To all of us. So, when things went wrong, there wasn’t anyone around to help.”

Abby noticed the tic in his jaw. Anger? He was angry at her for dying? “Even if she had told you, would you have been able to save her—them?” Abby searched his face.

“She wouldn’t have been there. I’d have told. Or stopped them.” He released her arms and lowered himself to the grass that sloped gently toward the water. Carter lifted a knee and rested his forearm across it then pulled a dandelion from the ground and started plucking the yellow flower apart, piece by piece.

Abby squatted next to him and wrapped her legs under her. “Which is why she didn’t tell you.”

He closed his eyes, while lifting his head toward the sky. “Abs … she’d be alive today if she hadn’t been lying to all of us over and over again about where she went, what she did, and who she was with. She was such a—”

“Teenager. She was a teenager, doing normal things a lot of teens have done. Was she a good swimmer?”

“Swim team six years. That wasn’t the problem.”

“Then … ”

“She and Jennifer had been doing these sunbathing and swimming outings for weeks. They even skipped school on occasion … and that day too. They wanted to get tanned so they could look good when they went to the lake with Jennifer’s parents the week after school let out. I don’t get why that’s such a big deal with women. Deanna, the doc’s daughter, heard them talk about it and bribed them to take her with them—she was going to tell if they didn’t take her. Her dad knew nothing until the sheriff came by his office just as he left for the night.”

Abby stood silent while a bee buzzed her head. She wanted to jolt away or swat it, but moving might break the mood and she wanted to hear—whatever needed telling. The golden body and silky wings flitted around her arm then up toward her face. The buzz rang out between them until Carter moved closer and swatted on her behalf.

“Deanna neglected to tell them she couldn’t swim. At all. I mean, what kind of parent doesn’t teach their child to swim? That’s a basic thing, for God’s sake, and he’s a doctor. Hadn’t he ever considered the danger? When Carley and Jennifer decided to jump in and cool off, Carley thought it was funny to push Deanna off the dock.” He pointed at the end of the wood planks. “Into ten foot deep water.”

“Oh my God, Carter.”

“I know. Carley had no idea because she jumped in too and swam to the dock. She and Jenn panicked when Deanna never came up. They could see her hair floating and jumped in. Or at least that’s what Jennifer said. They tried to pull her up, but Deanna lost it and started squeezing and clinging to Carley. She tried to grapple with Jennifer too, but she pulled free and swam.”

“She didn’t try to get them out? Or call for help?”

He nodded. “She screamed and screamed, but everyone was either at school or work. She ran up to the shed and got a rope then dove down and tied it to them and pulled them in—but it was too late.”

“You were angry.” She stated it matter-of-fact. The pain in his eyes flashed and he squeezed them tight. Did his lip quiver?

“It was an accident. She tried to save both of them but couldn’t. I wish—it’s amazing how much can change in just a few minutes—and no matter whether a person wants to go back and do it again, you can’t. It’s not like playing a game where you get a do-over.”

“You wish she’d told you they were going.”

“I—Yeah, like I said, I could have stopped her. Or at least been the one trying to help. I was bigger even then. She was such a liar. Why? I mean, we were close growing up. She had no need to keep secrets from me.”

Abby hated to state the obvious, but he was her little brother. “You said yourself you would have told. You really think a teenage girl’s going to skip school to sunbathe and let her little brother in on it?” How many times had her brother and sisters been caught doing similar things? She had no idea. She only knew what she heard her mother and father fighting over. That had been a lot. The only times she was ever informed was when her older sister wanted to use her as an excuse to go somewhere. “Are you telling me you never did anything like that?”

His gaze bored holes in hers. “I’ve done a lot of things, but nothing that could have killed someone.”

“Oh, come on. I doubt she even considered that at the time. They were just getting a tan.”

He shrugged and reclined into the grass, resting his head on intertwined fingers. “Who cares what was going through her head. All I know? She lied and she died.”

Abby’s stomach sunk. That made what she’d done even worse. It wasn’t just a lie—it was a lack of trust. A whole series of them, in fact. Was he projecting what happened with his sister onto the stories she, herself, had told? Her throat suddenly closed up.
She lied. I lied. We both weren’t who you thought. Who you hoped.
Who could be?

Abby lowered back onto the grass at his side and closed her eyes also. What was there to say? Obviously he thought, had he known, his sister would have lived. That he could have prevented it. That her dishonesty killed her. What had Abby done? She’d lied also—about even worse things. There was no way this could possibly end well, and damned if she hadn’t wanted it to. All the mistakes she made were done to, what? Protect him? Or maybe just cover her ass?
Shit.

The wind brushed gently against Abby’s face and carried footsteps on wood. Soft steps along weathered-gray slats above the water.

She rose to her elbows. A figure stood at the water’s edge. A young woman in scrubs? Recognition wafted over her—the pharmacist.

“Jennifer?” Abby started at Carter’s voice just as the woman spun around and saw them. She wiped her face and forced a smile. From where they were, Abby had no idea whether the woman’s eyes joined the smile or sparkled with tears. She imagined the latter.

“Hi there.” Jennifer waved and strode up the bank to stand over them, blocking the sun. “Your mother said you were here. I thought I’d stop by. When you didn’t answer, I came to see—”

Carter swept a hand around him, motioning at the flowered hillside. “Can you believe how they’ve grown? Who would have thought two little packets of seeds would do all this?”

Jennifer swiveled a head up the hill and back. “Nice, isn’t it?”

He nodded. “She’d have loved it.”

Jennifer’s eyes misted and she crossed her arms over her chest, looking up to the house behind them. “I suppose.”

Abby was lost to some extent and lifted a hand to shade her eyes. “You planted the bluebonnets?”

She nodded. “It was a tribute to them. I had to do something. I’d already tried everything else—drinking myself into a stupor, nearly flunking out of school, drugs—you name it. Then I decided if I hadn’t already killed myself, maybe I wasn’t supposed to die that day. Maybe none of us were, but at least I had a chance to do
something
. So I planted these and told myself if they grew, then that meant my friends were in a beautiful place.”

Carter leaned back again and closed his eyes tight. A sting of water puddled in Abby’s lids. She stroked a hand over his stomach without thought. He caught her fingers and strung his into them. She stared at his hand clutched to hers as if draining some strength—or maybe comfort from the touch. With his eyes still closed, he spoke. “Well, this is certainly a beautiful place.”

A bee zipped over Jennifer’s head and she waved it away. “No—not here. I meant, I come out here and talk to them sometimes. When I planted the flowers, I remember saying … ” Her voice drifted, quiet.

Abby turned. “Go ahead. It’s okay.”

Jennifer squared her shoulders and dropped a hand to play with the hem of her shirt. “I told them I was sorry. That I tried but I wasn’t strong enough. I wished I had been—every time I think back, I wish I’d stayed down there with Carley and been able to get Deanna calmed down enough to bring her up. When she kicked and scratched, I got scared and just saved myself. Carley stayed with her. I didn’t.”

She stopped speaking for a few minutes and Abby couldn’t look up, just kept her hand clutched with Carter’s while he lay silent.

Abby swallowed the lump in her throat. “You would have died too.”

“Maybe I should have.”

Carter bolted up, his hands clenching Abby’s tight enough to cause a painful gasp. “No. It was an accident, Jennifer. It wasn’t your fault. You tried your best.”

Jennifer’s eyes met Carter’s. “When I planted the bluebonnets, I said, Carley, if they die, I’m going with you. If they don’t live, then maybe I shouldn’t either.”

Carter cursed. “That’s crazy.”

Jennifer’s head wagged back and forth. “Maybe so, but look.” She held out both hands and did a three-sixty turn to admire the sea of blue flowers. “The first year, there was only about a ten foot patch of them. Every year, there are more and more. I figure that’s her way of telling me I have to keep going. I have to do all the things we used to talk about because—”

Abby’s voice was soft as she finished the sentence. “Because she can’t?”

Jennifer closed her eyes and nodded.

Carter stood and pulled Jennifer into a hug that probably sucked the breath out of both of them. “It was an accident, Jennifer. It was just a bad accident, but these flowers are an amazing tribute. Thanks. You can’t blame yourself. You know it wasn’t your fault.”

Abby now understood why the local pharmacist had such a thing for Carter. It had nothing to do with a crush, but a driving need for forgiveness. Only he never thought of forgiving her, did he? No, of course not. He never blamed her because he was too busy blaming himself. “You’re right, Carter.”

Her words broke their comforting embrace and tore them apart. “Huh?”

“You’re right. It was an accident. No one’s fault. Not hers and not yours either.”

“I never thought it—”

“Sure you did. You thought if she trusted you enough to tell you, you could have prevented it. That was just another way of trying to accept the guilt—trying to find an explanation for something that’s unexplainable. It happened. That’s all.”

He walked back to her and slipped his arms around her, his eyes filled with sorrow. “I wish it were that easy.”

“I blamed myself too.” Dr. Bernard’s knees gave as he approached from above. In the distance, Becky waved from the hill above. “I should have taken the time to put Deanna in swimming lessons. I should have signed her up for soccer and softball—all that stuff. All I did was work every waking hour … all the time. If I’d been a decent dad, I’d have done those things and Deanna would have been able to save herself. They both would be alive.”

In her gut, Abby knew his burden had been the hardest to bear. Mainly because there was truth to his words. Guilt was the worst of internal adversaries. It ate a person up from the inside out. While Abby barely knew the man, he had probably lived with a massive amount of guilt. It must have been unbearable at times.

While her eyes rained down cheeks that most likely were blotched as well as wet, she had to stop the massive amount of finger pointing, all of which were pointed inward by each of them.

“Stop. All of you.” Her voice cracked on the last word. She sucked in air, rattling on wet lungs. “It was my fault. If I’d known them then, I would have saved all of them. I mean, I was a damned lifeguard for four years. I was trained in CPR—I knew what to do.” She whirled on Carter, hoping her tactic worked and didn’t piss him off. “Why the hell didn’t you meet me when you were in high school? I mean, I only lived what—three hours from here. What was your problem?”

Three mouths dropped open and six eyes stared as if she’d lost her mind. Uh-oh, maybe that had been a bad plan. Seconds ticked past.